Hershey’s is looking to hire a Senior Manager in “Foresight Activation.” Somebody who can see what trends will be happening in the future and make sure that Hershey acts on those trends.
They should hire me. President Hershey, this is my resume.
I see people eating chocolate bars. That is the trend. I will act on that trend by eating a chocolate bar.
The end.
Hire me.
Still not convinced?! Looking for something a little more radical? Okay, Hershey, try THIS on!
Think about how you get a TV show. It’s just info over the air. The same with Wi-Fi at home. Data just going through you.
Well! How about doing the same thing with chocolate bars! I was thinking of calling it Wonkavision. Or Wo-Fi.
That might not be legal. So, how about Hershyvision! And He-Fi!
If that’s not enough to convince you, here’s my last idea.
Put stuff in chocolate bars. Not just peanuts and caramel. Do a full-on nut bar! With peanuts, cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, and walnuts! Make it BIG.
Or do a seed bar with pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds!
Put in caramel and chocolate goo and gummy bears and popcorn and waffles and honey and maple syrup! You can even do it with the Kisses. Put a gummy bear in each one!
This is what the people want!
Now hire me.
I’m off work my activision.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label waffles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waffles. Show all posts
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
master of dreamland
Do you ever wish you could control everything you do in your dreams? Of course you do! Everybody wants that!
Well, a company in California says they figured out how you can with a special headband that you wear on your head. Unlike the headbands I wear on my knees.
This headband keeps track of you while you are sleeping. Like your brainwaves and when you’re in REM sleep and stuff.
When you are in a deep sleep and dreaming, it creates lights and sounds that will make you aware that you are dreaming without waking you up. Then, when you know you are dreaming, you do whatever you want in your dreams!
What would you do in your dreams? There are so many choices! I mean, theoretically, we dream every night. So you could do something different EVERY SINGLE DAY.
One day you could be a princess stuck in a western movie and you have to save the town from an evil group of hedgehog outlaws.
I know. Hedgehogs in little cowboy hats is one of the most adorable things I can think of, too. I might dream of that for a few nights just for fun.
After that, you could dream that you’re a rhino space adventurer! You have a huge rocket ship that lets you go to different planets in search of magical treasures hidden by evil pirate waffles!
Then you could dream that you’re sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading a book on a warm day in Paris!
Well, they don’t ALL have to be so crazy. It might be nice to relax for a night.
I totally want this. As long as it’s not like Inception. Because I’m pretty sure bad stuff happened in those dreams.
I’m off to check my totem.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Well, a company in California says they figured out how you can with a special headband that you wear on your head. Unlike the headbands I wear on my knees.
This headband keeps track of you while you are sleeping. Like your brainwaves and when you’re in REM sleep and stuff.
When you are in a deep sleep and dreaming, it creates lights and sounds that will make you aware that you are dreaming without waking you up. Then, when you know you are dreaming, you do whatever you want in your dreams!
What would you do in your dreams? There are so many choices! I mean, theoretically, we dream every night. So you could do something different EVERY SINGLE DAY.
One day you could be a princess stuck in a western movie and you have to save the town from an evil group of hedgehog outlaws.
I know. Hedgehogs in little cowboy hats is one of the most adorable things I can think of, too. I might dream of that for a few nights just for fun.
After that, you could dream that you’re a rhino space adventurer! You have a huge rocket ship that lets you go to different planets in search of magical treasures hidden by evil pirate waffles!
Then you could dream that you’re sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading a book on a warm day in Paris!
Well, they don’t ALL have to be so crazy. It might be nice to relax for a night.
I totally want this. As long as it’s not like Inception. Because I’m pretty sure bad stuff happened in those dreams.
I’m off to check my totem.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, December 20, 2013
christmas letter review
Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year like babies, weddings, waffles, cuttlefish, etc.
I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! ("ALL" makes it sound like there are way more than there actually are.) Soon you will see my year of 2013, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last three years. Because my life never stops! It's like I'm regenerating ALL THE TIME! Much like the Doctor. Sorta. (Also, this is REALLY long. Sorry.)
_________________
christmas letter 2010
So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!
So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.
In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.
I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.
Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.
An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.
I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.
The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.
The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.
As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.
I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.
He said, “Why are you smiling?”
I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”
He said back, “And what is it.”
I said, “I am not left handed.”
BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.
And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?
Until next year.
THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.
I'm off to take a break and celebrate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
____________
christmas letter 2011
What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!
It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.
So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?
Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.
Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.
Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.
This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.
Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.
After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.
It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!
This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.
Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.
We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.
And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...
I'm off to take break from farming.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
________________
christmas letter 2012
I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)
This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.
My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"
My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.
Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.
After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!
I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.
Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!
He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.
The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.
Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.
The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.
Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.
I'm off to serve 67-93 people.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! ("ALL" makes it sound like there are way more than there actually are.) Soon you will see my year of 2013, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last three years. Because my life never stops! It's like I'm regenerating ALL THE TIME! Much like the Doctor. Sorta. (Also, this is REALLY long. Sorry.)
_________________
christmas letter 2010
So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!
So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.
In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.
I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.
Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.
An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.
I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.
The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.
The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.
As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.
I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.
He said, “Why are you smiling?”
I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”
He said back, “And what is it.”
I said, “I am not left handed.”
BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.
And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?
Until next year.
THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.
I'm off to take a break and celebrate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
____________
christmas letter 2011
What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!
It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.
So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?
Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.
Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.
Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.
This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.
Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.
After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.
It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!
This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.
Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.
We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.
And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...
I'm off to take break from farming.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
________________
christmas letter 2012
I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)
This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.
My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"
My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.
Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.
After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!
I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.
Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!
He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.
The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.
Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.
The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.
Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.
I'm off to serve 67-93 people.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, August 24, 2012
waffles within the border
It's National Waffle Day! It is NOT, I repeat NOT, INTERNATIONAL Waffle Day!
And that is just the start of the confusion!
Being excited about Waffle Day, you probably want to go eat waffles. But to celebrate properly, you don't want to eat any waffles that are outside national jurisdiction. Since it is not International Waffle Day.
But is Belgian Waffle really from Belgia? According to my team of researchers (wikipedia), the Belgian waffle was invented in the North America Nation (where we are)! So go for it!
Of course, if you want a Stroopwafel or a Pandan waffle, you are out of luck. I know. You're upset. But it can't be helped. If you even TRY to sneak a Gaufres a la Flamande onto your plate, the waffle police will arrest you and put you in a vat of syrup.
Which actually sounds fantastic.
It's hard to get it out of your hair, but it feels so good to soak in it.
Do they have a syrup soak? I know they do it with seaweed and chocolate, but I have never heard of syrup.
Maybe in Canada. Canadians do that sort of thing. Because it rains syrup there. Luckily, they can catch it on their waffle umbrellas.
And then eat the umbrellas.
That sounds good...is Canada in my nation?
Who cares! Spread the waffle love!
I'm off to check Canadian real estate.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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