nothing to hold flu back

A professor in Wisconsin has created a deadly flu virus. YEP! He did! For funsies!

He took the H1N1 virus that caused so many problems a few years ago and “genetically manipulated” it. He wanted to make it so the human immune system had no chance of stopping it.

Because that’s what people do in Wisconsin. You know, when they’re not leading the nation in cheese production, visiting the House on the Rock, or playing at one of their uniquely themed mini golf courses.

Isn’t this the beginning of some sort of apocalyptic thriller movie? Or the latest Planet of the Apes movie?

Whatever it is, who does that?!

Professor 1: “I love scansion. Don’t you? I find it STRESSES some people out, but that’s just SILLY-ble! Ha!”

Professor 2: “I made a flu that humans can’t fight.”

Professor 1: “Wow. This conversation did NOT go the way I was thinking. Like, AT ALL.”

Professor 2: “Sorry, I was trying to think of a flu pun, but nothing came up.”

Professor 1: “Well, it rhymes with ‘you,’ so any phrase with ‘you’ in it should work.”

Professor 2: “How about, ‘Flu had me at hello?’ Since, you know, you don’t have an immunity to this flu. It just takes you over.”

Professor 1: “It’s not the best I’ve heard, but…wait, what is going on here?!”

And the rest is history. Well, not history yet. It will be history after Bruce Willis goes back in time to stop the virus. Or something. I don’t think I’ve ever watched 12 Monkeys, but I think that’s what happens.

Or is that Looper?

Bruce! Stay in one year! Sheesh!

Anyway, hopefully this professor just wanted to find a way to fight the unfightable flu.

I’m off to look at verse with or without flu.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cheese on wood

I don’t know much about cheese. I don’t really eat it very often. I have nothing AGAINST cheese. I just don’t spend a lot of time with it.

But I know that some people do! And for you, this could be scary! The FDA is “concerned” about wood-aged cheese.

Apparently, some artisan cheeses are ripened on wooden boards. They use wood because there’s something about it being porous and allowing the perfect amount of moisture and bacteria to ripen the cheese. (Spruce and Ash are good wood choices for your cheese making.)

Well, the FDA is worried that a BAD bacteria is going to get into cheese, as well. Listeria.

Wooden cheese lovers are not happy about this, so they are trying to figure out if this is really a problem. And THAT is where Arthur Hill comes in!

Arthur is a food scientist who studies cheese at the University of Guelph in Canada.

That’s right! There’s a place called Guelph! Where you can rent a bike! See the Donkey Sanctuary! And enjoy the Just for Cats Internet Cat Video Festival!

You can also learn about cheese! Because that’s what Arthur does! He’s a cheese scientist. Which is real. I mean, there’s a science for everything, and cheeses has all sorts of molds and bacteria and curdles, so it seems like a study full of culture. (HA!)

Now, I found this story online. How does one even FIND a cheese scientist? Maybe that’s why I’m not a journalist. I wouldn’t even know where to look for that.

Well, I suppose I know now. The Dairy Building in Guelph.

Professor Hill says the FDA might be overreacting. Though, he might not really care because he’s in Canada and the FDA doesn’t really tell him what to do. Also, he might be distracted by the Cat Video Festival.

I’m off to visit the donkeys.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

follow the food rules

New York City got a new mayor. He likes pizza. BUT! He eats it with a fork and knife!

This has caused a STIR among New Yorkers. It’s right up there with Watergate. If you add flour and salt and yeast to the Water. Like, Waterfloursaltyeastmixandletitriseuntilyouarereadytoputtoppingsonitgate.

Or, just Pizzagate. If you want to be boring.

Apparently, there are specific ways to eat food. Just like in Victorian times. No white rice after Labor Day. No elbows on the table. No fork with your pizza!

This mayor, Bill, says that he eats pizza like they do in Italy. I didn’t know if that was true, so I tried to find out by calling Italy.

Italy: Ciao.

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: Scuse?

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: È questa la cosa di pizza? Ho detto di no più chiamate!

Here’s the problem. I only know how to ask for “one beer and cheese, please” in Italian. I didn’t actually take Italian. I learned a few phrases in high school. For some reason I remember that one. I don’t even drink beer. Or eat cheese.

If I’m ever stranded in Italy, I might die.

But I AM an expert at interpreting languages, so I’m PRETTY sure that Italy said, “Do we eat pizza with utensils sometimes? You better believe your chia pet we do, mate!”

So there you go. Mayor Bill wasn’t lying. He loves Italian traditions. Like forking a pizza, eating Neapolitan ice cream, and singing opera.

Oddly enough, that’s exactly what I do when I shower in the morning.

I’m off to get a cheese beer. (yuck.)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

beware the power of cheese

So…um…what’s your name? Is it Cheese? I truly, madly, deeply hope not.

I just found out that the name “Cheese” (yes, people actually consider that as a viable name for a human baby) has had a 450% increase over the past year.

I can’t find the actual numbers, but it does say that out of every 500,000 parents, nine babies are named Cheese.

I do believe that is eight too many. I think one per 500,000 is an acceptable number of Cheese babies in the world. I understand there are some people who REALLY love cheese. Like, insanely love it.

For those few people, name your baby Cheese. I’m surprisingly ok with that.

But the rest of you! WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED TO NAME YOUR BABY "CHEESE?"

Looking into strange baby names, fewer people named their children Superman than Cheese. Seriously. Cheese beat Superman! How does that even happen?!

I have no idea how to react to that news. Other names that are less popular, but still used, include Butterbean, Hotdog, and Elbow.

Now, I like creative names for kids. I don’t even mind different spellings of names. Or combining two names to make some strange new one. Whatever. They’re your kids.

But what happened this year to make Cheese so popular? Did I miss some big cheese-related occurrence? Is there a famous actress named Cheese? Did people forget that cheese is a dairy product and think it is a brand name of some orange or moldy snack?

The world confuses me sometimes. Almost as often as cheese does.

I’m off to be the cheese.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the royal society of chemistry

Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!

“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”

Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!

Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.

I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.

The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.

I am NOT making this up.

I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.

I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.

Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?

I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.

Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.

Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)

I’m off to cheese my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

where no dog has barked before

I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. It is one of my mostest favoritest shows ever! It was so good. STILL so good. 

Last night, movie theaters around the country showed two episodes from season one to celebrate the release of ST:TNG on Blu-ray.

It was awesome.

What was even more AWESOMER was the dog at the show! YES! There was a canine there!

It was in a rolling pet carrier thingy. I always knew that all species loved Star Trek. I just didn't know all species were allowed in the movies!

Can you bring a dog into a movie theater? Well...I now know that you can. Cuz it happened. I don't think they tried to sneak it in. It was pretty clearly a dog. In a carrier. Not, like, a lump in a suitcase that was barking.

They brought the dog in and it just watched the movies and didn't make a sound! It was so interested in the Enterprise going to the edge of the universe and Data finding his evil brother!

Does it cost extra to bring a dog in? It didn't actually take up any seats. It was sitting on its owner's lap. Maybe a child's ticket?

I should have asked, but I don't know much dog, so I probably wouldn't have understood the answer. All I remember from my dog classes is how to ask for cheese and where the bathroom is.

Grwoof wruf ruff whimper?

Huh...I guess they don't have cheese at the movie candy counter.

I'm off to the Enterprise.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj