a toast to toast

I love toast. I’ve said it a million times. It’s amazing. It’s ALWAYS amazing. It’s a magical food that magically appears from bread. Magically. It’s so good!

Apparently, I’m not the only person who loves toast! Because now you can get “artisanal toast” at special toast cafes! From toast baristas. (Baristoasts?) It’ll only cost $3-$4 to get a perfect piece of toast.

I know what you’re thinking. That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as unperfect toast. And I would agree with you.

That’s it. I really do agree with you.

I guess I should say more to defend these places, so I’ll give you some details. They are making it with special breads and fancy toppings. And they put on these toppings with so much care, that you probably don’t want to eat the food. Just look at its beauty.

That’s fine. Go for it. I don’t eat food because it’s pretty. I eat food so I don’t die. At least, that’s what I’ve been told would happen if I don’t eat food. I’ve never actually tried it. I’m too scared.

And this isn’t like some extreme sport where it’s fun and they say you COULD die. This is a risk that has a guarantee that you WILL die.

I like to live on the edge. But LIVE is the important part.

I suppose I can understand if you don’t want to buy a whole loaf of European Winter Wheat bread (only grown in winter and stone ground during the coldest day of the year) and a whole jar of strawberry jam made from Russian strawberries that were grown in blankets made of alpaca fur. Something like that might be better to just get by the slice and knife. (That’s a good name for a toast café!)

Making artisanal stuff is very popular these days. I recently wrote about a guy who makes artisanally sharpened pencils by hand.

Maybe I should artisanalate something. Like dental floss. I’d make every strand by hand. That could be my motto! And I’ll open up a floss bar where you come and floss with different flavored strands! $10 a visit! I’ll be rich AND help dental hygiene!

I’m off to get flossy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the royal society of chemistry

Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!

“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”

Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!

Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.

I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.

The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.

I am NOT making this up.

I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.

I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.

Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?

I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.

Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.

Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)

I’m off to cheese my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

for crying out loud

For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj