gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

soft foods for me

I am getting some crowns put on my teeth. Why? Because my teeth are royalty! That’s why!

Also because my teeth are a mess. I’ve had pretty much EVERY TOOTH EVER get filled in because of a cavity.

So now I have these temporary caps on my teeth and they are killing me! It’s so hard to eat! I don’t know if this is what it’s like when a baby is teething, but I’m going to say it is.

It’s super hard to eat. But it also feels good to bite down. So I eat to make my jaw feel better, but it’s so hard to eat that it’s a pain. I think this is a catch-22. Or a catch-twenty-tooth.

I have been eating a lot of bananas. They are easy. Also, tried an avocado for the first time. That was fun! Have you seen the pit in that thing?! It’s huge! I have no idea what’s in it, but I’m guessing it’s a baby dinosaur. That’s why I made a little nest and sit on it while I’m watching Star Trek.

Another new thing I tried is creamed spinach. I really never expected to eat that, but it sounded soft. It’s like a weird drippy green solid that actually tastes pretty good.

I know I’m not selling it well, but when you’re desperate for food like I am, you gotta learn to take what you can get! Life isn’t easy for us royal teethers!

Trying to find soft foods to eat has also made me appreciate the internet more. Like finding out what fruits have skin that I can and cannot eat. Honestly, I have NO idea what’s edible!

I started to look up if I could eat the skin of an avocado. Google automatically filled out my search with mango! I didn’t even know that was a question! I never bought a full-on, uncut mango at the store. But guess what! Some people could get a rash from it! So it’s kinda better not to risk it!

Shouldn’t fruit be labeled to let me know this? Am I really so out of touch with food that I should have known that? Should I just stick with bananas because that’s all I can afford?

The answer is “yes” to all of those questions.

I’m off to sit on my nest.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

give me a beak

Wouldn’t you rather have a beak instead of teeth to eat your food? Isn’t it such a chore to keep chewing everything and crunching stuff all the time? 

Yes! It is! That’s why we should have beaks and just poke at stuff! SO much easier! 

At least, that’s according to one biologist who says it could actually be possible that evolution will fuse our teeth together and create a beak. 

He makes a good point. Our teeth are lazy. We only change our teeth once. ONCE! Other creatures grow new teeth all the time! So, it makes sense that they keep using them!

Humans just get two sets! How lame is that?! If we had beaks, we wouldn’t have to worry about all these teeth issues we have. 

I think I would look pretty good with a beak. A lot of birds are really cute. 

In fact, I think I would just like to evolve into a bird. Because I could fly. 

Maybe I’ll stay human, but have bird wings and a beak. Then I could fly and eat seeds, but also walk and buy shoes and belts. 

I like my shoes and belts a lot. That is why I want to keep them. 

The only thing that COULD be a problem would be gum. I’ve never seen a bird chew gum. I think you would need teeth for that, right? 

I’m no gum expert, but it seems likely that gum sales would go down if we had beaks. 

Gummy worm sales would go way up, though. Since it would be the ideal treat for a bird! 

You know what they say! The early bird/human hybrid catches the sale on gummy worms at CVS! 

At least that’s what I say every day! 

I’m off to beak fast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

clean teeth at the gym

Do you know anybody who walks around and does stuff while chewing on a toothpick? I think I’ve seen it in movies. Maybe some sort of old gangster movie where one guy is chewing on a toothpick holding a tommy gun.

Well, I was at the gym and some guy was chewing on a toothpick. No joke. This really happened. It was just sitting while he used the weight machines.

Is this safe? Aren’t those pointy? I guess if he wants to chew on a toothpick, that’s cool.

I mean, I seriously only thought it happened in old movies! I never thought somebody actually did it in real life! But they do! At least, this guy does at the gym!

I think it’s supposed to make you look tough. (He looked tough. With or without a toothpick.) I’m not sure. I only think of dental hygiene when I see it.

Trust me, I’m all about keeping the gunk out of my teeth spaces! I floss about 10 times a day! Seriously, I do. Maybe this guy and I would have a lot of teeth stories to share.

We could sit down at a restaurant and eat vegetables with parsley. Then we could go look in a mirror and check our teeth! Once the flossing and toothpicking was all done, we’d laugh and laugh at everyone who didn’t have spotless toothees!

Oh the fun we’d have!

I’d like to become a toothpick chewer. I think it’s a look that would work on me. Of course, I like to think all looks work on me, which is why I’m wearing a cape and cowboy boots. Because I can pull it off.

Now imagine the cape and cowboy boots with a toothpick.

I understand...you need a minute to collect yourself because the awesomeness just made your mind explode a little bit.

Please, feel free to dress the same way. I don’t mind if we both look amazetastic.

I’m off to pick a tooth.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

make the itching stop

Scientists have often wondered why we itch. Because it’s really annoying and scientists hate having to scratch an itch when they’re doing something really important like solving the mystery of quantum entanglement.

Apparently, neuropeptide natriuretic polypeptide b, or Nppb, is the molecule that makes us feel an itch. Once it travels to the brain, we feel the urge to scratch ourselves. Are you feeling it right now? That’s cool. I am too.

They decided to breed mice without Nppb to see what happened. Guess what! They gave these mice a rash and they didn’t have to scratch it! Yay science!

They said that they didn’t want to do this in humans yet because it’s important for the heart and blood pressure or something. I don’t know. They make it sound important.

Here’s the part that I found really interesting. This work was done in the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research!

What?! Why are dentists trying to figure out my itching?! Do teeth itch? Is that a problem that dentists have to figure out?

Should I be worried about itchy teeth?! That’s freaking me out!

Maybe tooth research is done? We know everything about teeth, so dentists are bored and are looking at other stuff. I mean, what else is there? We can fix cavities, we have toothpaste, and we can even put fake teeth in!

Since these dentists were so bored, they started scratching their heads wondering what else to do and I guess they decided that scratching was interesting enough to study.

And they figured it out! We should get dentists to research everything. Clearly they know how to get results. Pearly, white results.

They also know how to get novocaine. Which is fun for parties and holidays.

I’m off to scratch my teeth.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

snails have teeth

Well that's something I didn't know! Did you? Did you also not know that snail teeth could make it easier to get a Prius?

They can! People who don't like running love to study snails. David Kisailus (who may or may not love to run) studies the gumboot chiton snail. Turns out this snail has a "conveyor belt-like arrangement of teeth." Which sounds totally scary, but isn't really.

Unless these snails eat some radioactive goo and grow huge. Then the conveyor belt of teeth will probably eat everything in the world. It would be impossible to fight this 50-foot snail because it will also have a shell. Let's hope they are peaceful snails of doom.

After a lot of big science words like ferrihydrite and nanocrystalline, the conveyor belt of teeth is kinda similar to the way we make lithium-ion batteries! Like for your phone or hybrid vehicle!

AND it does it at room temperature! Which sounds boring at first, but actually saves money on energy and cost! Making it cheaper to give you more phones and hybrid vehicles!

All of this snail/car talk reminds me of a joke I love. My brother told this to me once and I never forgot it. Partly because I did not get the joke at the time. Because I'm not too bright. When I did get the joke years later, I laughed for 3 days, 4 hours, and 28 minutes. Here is the joke that I hope gives you just as much enjoyment, if not more.

A snail goes to a car store. The car salesman shows the snail many cars. The snail says, "I'll take this car, but only if you paint a giant "S" on the side of it."

The car salesman says, "We can do that. May I ask why?"

The snail says, "Because when I drive down the street, I want everybody to shout, 'look at that S Car Go!'"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So funny! Hold on...I need a moment to catch my breath! Whew! Makes me laugh every time!

I'm off to paint an "S" on my car. You can guess why.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

my teeth feel soft

Do you sometimes notice your teeth feeling different? Like, one day they're all hard and ready to chomp. Then the next day they feel soft and all you want to do is bite your lip a little because it's squishy. 

Teeth are cool. I have a bunch of them. I love my calcified, whitish structures. (Thanks wikipedia!) Without these incisors and molars and amalgam fillings I would have to swallow candy whole!

Thank goodness for my teeth! And fake teeth inserts. Most of my teeth innards are gone because of cavities. That's not my fault, though. I blame sugar. If it didn't love my teeth so much, they wouldn't get all holey.

I sometimes wish sugar was spelled "shugar." Or "shuga." That's funner to say. Or shay. Nah...we'll keep it as "say."

"SH" words are fun to say. Whether you have soft teeth or not. I wonder why teeth feel different sometimes? Or is that just my teeth?

Don't you hate it when you bite your lip! That kills me! Then you have this bump of skin in your mouth and you HAVE to keep biting at it even though you know it's just going to make it worse!

Then one day, it's gone.

Then another day, your teeth feel soft again.

Should I go to the dentist? I just went, like, two weeks ago! I like the dentist. They always make my teeth feel good.

Candy makes my teeth feel good. Well, it makes me feel good. When I feel good, my teeth feel good. Going to the dentist is like candy for my teeth.

I should become a dentist and have that be my motto.

"Dr. Awesome DMD: Like candy for your teeth."

I'm off to gnaw my lip.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj