the lack of a need for speed

Ketchup (or catsup) moves at a whopping .028 miles per hour.

A slug (or slugsup) moves at a blazing .030 miles per hour.

If you're too hip to know what those things are, it's like the difference between 3G and 4G on your multi-purpose mobile device (or #iPhonesup).

Us old school folks still use ketchup and slugs. I love ketchup. I love it almost as much as I love pickles. And you KNOW I love pickles! I love to dip pickles in ketchup. So goooooooood! Slugs...I don't know. I never tried them with pickles or ketchup.

Some people didn't like how slow ketchup moved out of the ketchup bottle. I agree. When I want my ketchup, I want it NOW. I do NOT like to wait for my food!

That's where the folks at MIT come in. They made a coating that goes onto a glass bottle that prevents stickage! Whatever is in the bottle will just slide right out!

This is perfect for gamblers who always lose when they put their money on the ketchup during those ketchup/slug races that we all love.

It's also good so you don't waste food. Because it won't be all stucks to the sides of the bottle.

Science: Making things faster than slugs for over 37 million years.

I'm off to race a slug.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hiccup wake up

I think I woke up the other night to a hiccup fit. I'm not sure, though.

See, I woke up in the middle of the night because I could not stop hiccuping. And I woke up because I was dreaming about hiccuping.

I was CONVINCED that I was only hiccuping because I was DREAMING about hiccuping.

I think that's called psychosomatic. Or psychoinsomniac.

Whatever it is, I got back to bed and told myself I didn't have the hiccups and that it was all in my head. Then I went back to sleep.

I know this is all very boring right now. BUT, here's the good part.

I got up that morning and I have NO idea if this really happened! I might have been dreaming about dreaming about hiccuping. Then, woke up from the dream within a dream and was just in one dream about waking up from psychosomniactic hiccups!

Then woke up for real having no idea where I was, what I was doing, and why I couldn't use my debit card!

Wait...maybe that was another dream. I can't keep track of all of it.

Is it a problem if you don't know what's real and what's a dream?

Not that I have that problem...I was just askin...for a friend.

I'm off to take a nap.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

light the way to the bathroom

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of the dark, but when it's dark, I get afraid. Thank goodness for my night lights! They're so helpful!

But! I might not have the perfect night light path. I live in a pretty small apartment, but it's still hard to walk around at night since I have so much junk.

I also have three different night lights. Each is a different size and shape and brightness.

I COULD buy more, but I don't have any money in the Night Light Slush Fund. I had to take all the money from the Night Light Jar and put it into the Comic Book Slush Fund Jar and the Food Slush Fund Jar and the Slushie Slush Fund Jar. Slush is fun to say.

Those jars are also empty. Slush empty.

Now I'm trying to figure out the PERFECT location for each night light. See, if I put the bright one in the bathroom, I can REALLY SEE the sink from far away!

Unfortunately, the trail TO the sink is darkish. But if I put the bright one in the middle of the path to the sink, the bathroom is dark.

And don't get me started on the medium light. I have no idea where to put that.

To make things even MORE complicated, the medium light has color options. Green and blue. I keep switching it to see if one is brighter than the other.

I think green is slightly brighter. But it might be the blue option.

Luckily, when I spend hours at night trying to figure this out, I don't feel crazy.

That only happens when I talk about after.

Hows abouts we ignore this whole conversation and talk about something else like ponies or sorbet or yarn. Those are all not-crazy topics.

I'm off to change the subject.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

perfectly packed pickles, please

We are in the middle of International Pickle Week! Some of you may know that I'm a HUGE fan of the pickle. It is my favorite fruit/vegetable. I say fruit/vegetable because it is generally called a vegetable unless you go to court. By law, it is a fruit.

If you are ever in a law pickle where a pickle was used for something illegal, make sure you call it a fruit. The U.S. Supreme Court will (maybe) arrest you if you do not.

As much as I love pickles, I did NOT know there was an actual organization regulating pickles. Pickle Packers International has been "serving the pickled vegetable industry for over 100 years."

Or "pickled fruit industry" for you Supreme Courters.

The PPI has all sorts of great information on their website.

Wanna dance? Try the Pickle Polka!

Going out for a fancy date? You can buy some pickle earrings and a bracelet!

But they're not ALL fun & games! (Please ignore the fact that there is a "Fun & Games" section on their website.)

They will also test your pickle's crunch. For your pickle to be deemed an OFFICIAL pickle, it MUST have an audible crunch that can be heard from a minimum distance of 10 paces.

Anything less than that and the pickle is destroyed. And you are slapped with a much sturdier regulation pickle.

So be careful. I've been pickle-slapped before. It hurts.

Luckily, I was able to eat it after. And the Vitamin K healed my wounds. (In case you forgot, pickles are jam-packed with Vitamin K. And Vitamin K has been unproven to heal all wounds.)

I'm off to pickle polka.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tires shouldn't do this

I don't know much about cars, but I'm PRETTY sure tires are not supposed to get all woobly when you are driving. And if they do, should you keep driving? Even if they unwooble?

I was driving the other day. On the highway. Or freeway. Or parkway. Or motorway. Or autobahn. I actually don't know if there is a difference with any of those words. Pick your favorite.

I was driving. It was a road. I was not woobling. Everybody was going pretty fast. One car on this road started to slow down because their front wheels were NOT going straight. They were totally wobbling! Like crazy!

This car slows down a little. Then the wheels magically straighten out! So they speed off again!

If my tires EVER got possessed like that, I would stop in the middle of the road and trade my car with somebody who did NOT have wobble-wheels!

I've never seen anything like it.

I've also never seen anything like a giant cake falling from the sky and landing in my arms.

(I'm hoping that "things I've never seen before" start becoming "things I have seen and will possibly eat")

...

No cake yet. I'll wait. I mean, I saw the wibbly, wobbly, woobly wheels. I SHOULD be seeing that cake soon.

It would be cool if car tires were also cake. And instead of air, you filled it with cotton candy. A cotton candy filled cake-tire sounds delicioustastic.

I'm off to taste my tires.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everybody ride the turtle

I love turtles. They're really cool. And super cute!

Plus, some of them become ninjas. Which is totally radalicious.

Also, 60 million years ago, they were cars!

Well, not cars, but as big as a small car. I have a small car (its name is Blue Kryptonite 360, if you didn't know). I love my small car.

But I would NOT complain if I drove to work every morning on a GIANT TURTLE!

These giant turtles also had giant jaws that could eat crocodiles!

Which is perfect because, like you, I'm always avoiding crocs on my drive to work in the morning.

So, in a perfect world, I would put on my driving scarf and my driving goggles, hop on my turtle, and zoom off to work. Without worrying about getting eaten by crocodiles.

Well...in a perfect world I would be the Mayor of Candy City. And the crocodiles would be chocolate. The turtle would not be, though. Because I don't want to drive candy. I want to eat it.

I like this world. Let's make it happen.

I'm off to do my candy mayoral-duties.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the best way to relax is free

I was driving home and I saw a toilet on the side of the road. I guess somebody was throwing it out. I LOVE stuff on the side of the road. It's so much fun! And it is FREE!

Toilets are probably number 6 on my list of 27 Best Things I See On The Side Of The Road.

Number 14 is an abandoned car with a mattress on it. That moved up from 17 for obvious reasons.

You know what I don't like on the side of the road? Werewolves. They're all bitey and stuff. It's the reason I don't run at night.

Everything else is helpful, though. Maybe you run at night. Then you have to go to the bathroom. BAM! Toilet on the side of the road!

You run some more. Suddenly you're too tired to move and you need sleep. WHAM! Mattress on a car!

You don't want to walk home. LUCKY! The mattress is on a car that will drive you home!

Werewolves come out to play. CHOMP!

You're now a werewolf.

That's why you don't run at night. No matter how tempting the toilets and mattressessess are.

I learned that lesson more than once. And twice. And thrice.

I'm off to run in the sun.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj