gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

rhymes with food and good and yummy

I tried more new foods! Well, I guess you really can’t call all of it food. But it IS all edible!

It’s Halloween season again! That means candy corn…and…well…I guess that’s really the only specific Halloween candy…is back!

There are a lot of other things that come out with different flavors for Halloween, but you really only get candy corn as a new item. And until recently, I wasn’t a fan of candy corn. (Now that I am a fan, I like to say I’m a “Fandy Corn.”)

I am ALSO a fan of things that TASTE like it! Like candy corn flavored M&M’s! They’re made with white chocolate, which I don’t usually like. But cover that white chocolate with a candy coating? Love it!

A new surprise for me this year is Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn! This is so good! It has the texture of candy corn, but tastes more like a jelly bean. Kind of like a jelly bean without the outer shell.

Whoa…how crazy is that?! Some things taste better WITH an outer shell and some taste better WITHOUT the outer shell! This Halloween is LITERALLY blowing my mind out of its outer shell! I think I’m having a Halloween existential crisis!

But before things get TOO crazy, let’s talk about more fun foods I tried! Cotton Candy grapes! Have you tried these? Through some sort of cross-pollinating fun, they made these grapes taste like Cotton Candy! Because, well, we always want our actual foods to NOT taste like what they are!

They were…ok. I mean, the bag smelled really good! And they were a much sweeter tasting grape than usual. Buuuuuuuuut…they did not make me think I was eating pure cotton candy. Well…pure is a word used loosely. As a sweet grape, they were good.

Also! I tried some MORE real food! Broccolini! I love broccoli, but never tried its “ni” variety. It tasted good, but I think I like broccoli better. Broccolini is more stalk than shrubbery. I LOVE the shrubbery part. I’m not a stalker.

I’m off to cotton my candy and corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

crazy maizey candy corn

Candy corn is back on my  mind!

It's Candy Corn Day! That means you get to celebrate everything candy corn!

All flavors! Well...all the good ones, at least.

Turns out, when they first made candy corn in the 1890s, they thought making other vegetables into candy would be a good idea.

And let me tell you. IT IS!

They made candy turnips. They did not sell. I don't know why. Turnips are actually kinda pretty. That purple/white thing they got going on? It's tasty looking! Just imagine it as a candy!

What about a candy radish?! Or a candy cauliflower?!

Ingredients: Sugar. Shape: Vegetable.

If every vegetable was a sugar, I would eat a lot more vegetables and a lot less candy.

So really, this would be healthy for me. And you. And for America!

Let's get these other candy vegetables back!

I would eat so many vegetables that I might die. From being so healthy.

And death by turnip is NOT a bad way to go. (Somebody might get that.)

I'm off to buy more candy corn. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

there's a hurricane in my tummy

I'm having a problem.

I have no idea how much food to eat. I can't quite figure it out. I know people keep telling me, "You don't have to worry about what you eat."

Well, I think I do. Because today my tummy has declared war on my body. Not a cyber war, either. This is full on battle where my tummy is trying to advance up throatopolis but my swallowing soldiers are fighting back.

I think it's a losing battle.

I'm not sure if I ate too much yesterday or ate something bad. But I never know when I'm full. My stomach never says, "Ok, that's enough food." It usually says, "Just keep on eating, I love it!"

Until today. When it doesn't love it. At all.

Luckily, there is a storm going on and if I don't eat, I won't run out of food supplies! That's a big plus! I stocked up on peanut butter and candy corn for the hurricane.

Hmmm...may have figured out why I'm regurgitatey.

Anywhizzle, found Blackberry Cobble Candy Corn! YEP! MORE flavors of candy corn!

Now, this is a different company that does NOT make their candied corn with REAL honey. And you can tell! It's not as good. It might not have anything to do with the honey, but I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with the honey.

Also, the unnatural combination of blackberry cobbler and candy corn may have devastating effects on your stomach. But again, may or may not be the reason.

I'm off to curl up and groan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the final say on candy corn

There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.

But it could be.

I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.

And they were good.

I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.

I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!

I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!

So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!

AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!

Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.

Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)

Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.

I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more candy corn goo

I did it. I bought the Oreo cookies that have a candy corn creme filling. I bet you didn't know that you could actually make a creme that tasted like candy corns. Well Oreo did it!

After only 100 years of research, the Oreo creme chefs have figured out the proper combination of sugar and artificial flavor to make a cookie with an orange and yellow filling that tastes like candy corn!

And again, as stated in an earlier entry, I don't really like candy corn. But I must say, again, that making a good food taste LIKE candy corn makes it taste good!

I don't understand HOW this happens, but it does. Consistently. I think the candy corn company should just stop making little hard nubbies of yuckiness and sell their flavor to every other food product.

Like a candy corn Hot Pocket!

Maybe you could make a candy corn flavor for Lysol spray! You can't eat it, though. You can only kill germs with it. Candy cornish germs.

Do they make a candy corn coffee???  If not, they should! Forget that pumpkin spice! That's so last Halloween!

What about a candy corn vegetable dip?! What's better with celery than a glob of candy corn goo hanging off the end!

NOTHING. That's what.

I know what you're thinking. "Why don't you go into the food making business and make millions of dollars with your brilliant candy corn ideas?"

I will answer that question with a holiday: Bastille Day.

I'm off to flavor my coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all that candy cornery

It's almost Halloween! The best holiday ever! Because it's all about candy!!!

Unfortunately, there is this stuff called "candy corn" that I've never actually liked. You would THINK it was awesome. Corn is good. Candy is good. Candy Corn SHOULD be amazing!

It is not.

Well...it didn't USED to be. NOW it is! Because it has inspired other (good) candies to have a corn flavor! And those are good! It's so weird, but it feels so good!

Like Candy Corn DOTS! Now, I know what you're thinking, "All DOTS taste the same, don't they?"

Yes. Yes, they do. And every single color is wonderful. Including candy corn color.

M&Ms also made a Candy Corn candy-coated treat. This has white chocolate inside the coating made of candy. I actually don't like white chocolate too much.

And, if you remember from earlier, I don't really like candy corn.

BUT! When you put a hard shell over white chocolate and claim that it has natural and artificial candy corn flavor? It tastes good!

It's shocking! There are wonders in this world. And most of them are made from sugar.

Thank goodness for that. It would be a shame if the closest thing to a "wonder" we had was made out of turnips. That would ruin my day.

Though...add a candy coating and we might have something. Hmmm...

I'm off to coat my turnip DOTS with a shell.

Enjoy Everything!

-dj