give me a beak

Wouldn’t you rather have a beak instead of teeth to eat your food? Isn’t it such a chore to keep chewing everything and crunching stuff all the time? 

Yes! It is! That’s why we should have beaks and just poke at stuff! SO much easier! 

At least, that’s according to one biologist who says it could actually be possible that evolution will fuse our teeth together and create a beak. 

He makes a good point. Our teeth are lazy. We only change our teeth once. ONCE! Other creatures grow new teeth all the time! So, it makes sense that they keep using them!

Humans just get two sets! How lame is that?! If we had beaks, we wouldn’t have to worry about all these teeth issues we have. 

I think I would look pretty good with a beak. A lot of birds are really cute. 

In fact, I think I would just like to evolve into a bird. Because I could fly. 

Maybe I’ll stay human, but have bird wings and a beak. Then I could fly and eat seeds, but also walk and buy shoes and belts. 

I like my shoes and belts a lot. That is why I want to keep them. 

The only thing that COULD be a problem would be gum. I’ve never seen a bird chew gum. I think you would need teeth for that, right? 

I’m no gum expert, but it seems likely that gum sales would go down if we had beaks. 

Gummy worm sales would go way up, though. Since it would be the ideal treat for a bird! 

You know what they say! The early bird/human hybrid catches the sale on gummy worms at CVS! 

At least that’s what I say every day! 

I’m off to beak fast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the sun sets in my eyes

Do you have a sun visor in your car? I do. I'm pretty sure most cars do. You might use it early in the morning or later in the day when the sun is trying to burn your eyes with its awesomeness.

My visor is pretty good. It can go low enough to help out. It's kinda short, though. Like, to the right. Because if the sun is next to my rearview mirror, it still cooks my brain. I'm thinking of buying some attachment to make it block a wider area.

Or maybe just duct tape some cardboard to the edge. Which would be cheaper and more fun to decorate. I have Sharpies.

As exciting as this whole conversation is (it's really not), I DO have a point. Are you like me and feel like you can’t see anything when your visor is down?

I know it's only blocking my vision of the sky. I can totally still see the road, so why am I so messed up by this? I think the only risk I have is maybe missing a bird flying by or a falling rock or a UFO (which I totally saw last night).

So why do I feel like I'm not seeing anything? I think it's all psychological. Which I think means it's all in my head.  But I am wondering if there is some fact to it.

OH! I heard the other day that stolen cars go to Mexico or overseas all the time. How random is that? Like, living in South Dakota, do you know how long it would take to get to Mexico? Or even get to a boat to go to China or something?!

That's crazy hard. I do NOT have the drive (pun intended) to become a car thief. They will work harder for one car than I'll probably ever work in my whole life. I don't know why they don't just find an easier job. I guess I'm too lazy for that.

And I hate getting the sun in my eyes and that's probably a real work hazard with car thieves.

I'm off to block out the sun.

Enjoy everything.

-dj

cat killed the curiosity

Well, if it was the Curiosity nuclear weapon/car that is currently on Mars, I think Curiosity would win.

Or would it???

Turns out cats are stone-cold killers. You think they're all sweet and cuddly and fuzzibly, but they are not. Every time you let these monsters out of your house, they go into what experts call "Berserker Kill Everything Mode."

They put little cameras on the cats to see what they do all day. They kill stuff! They bring home maybe a quarter of their kills. A quarter!

The American Bird Conservancy (or ABC) says that cats are to blame for 3, count'em, THREE, species of bird losing their numbers rapidly!

They're also to blame for a 63% increase in bird therapy!

Not only that, these cats engage in very risky behavior! They cross the road without looking. They eat and drink whatever they find on the ground! Go to the bathroom in public! Put graffiti everywhere!

These hoodlums need to be controlled!

That's why I'm adding an Emergency Kitty Task Force to all public safety budgets. They will be trained in the ways of the cat and be able to subdue any and all feline delinquents.

So far I'm the only one on this Task Force, but I can see our numbers doubling soon.

It's time we took back our streets! And our birds!

I'm off to go on patrol.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

what is this bliss

I had to buy cleaning gloves. Now, I've bought many gloves in the past. I've never had a problem. No allergies to any kind. Latex or latex-free.

Even though they don't bother me, that doesn't stop me from trying Bliss!

Mr. Clean has created a "proprietary material" that is called "Bliss."

That means it's not latex. They don't actually tell you what Bliss is. It just...is.

After using Bliss for my cleaning, I think I can tell you the ingredients. It's the softest part of a cloud picked from the sky at the peak of ripeness.

Then magically blended with a shield made of white gold.

It's molded into the shape of a hand by a princess and a dragon who are best friends and wear friendship bracelets they made for each other at sleepaway camp two million years ago.

At this camp, they also made a birdhouse out of toothpicks, but that doesn't have to do with their friendship. They just liked doing it. Birds liked it too.

They make this hand of softness and protection with their princess/dragon powers and finally put it into a box sealed with love and happiness and sweetness and hugs.

Then they sell it to me in the store. Where I buy it. Then use it to clean my bathroom.

That is how you make Bliss.

At least, that's what I saw after I slipped in the tub.

I woke up a few days later with a nasty bruise on my head. And soft gloves on my hands.

It was a good day...days?

I'm off to clean with Bliss.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i warned you about the birds

I know you thought that bird WAS the word...but that's not true anymore.

Birds now KNOW the words. And they're teaching their friends.

People in Australia teach their parrots how to speak. Now, these birds pretend to be cool inside their cages, but they're really just plotting their escape. They learn everything they need to know from their human captors. Then escape into the wild.

Once free, they teach other birds all the words they learned.

I'm pretty sure they're planning to take over the world. There are over 800 species of birds in Australia. If ALL of them attacked at once, what chance would we have?

We're lucky for two reasons:

1. I have friends in the koala community. By friends I mean spies. By spies I mean highly trained ninja koalas.

2. The birds only know how to say "vegemite" and "tim-tams."

3. Unless those are "code words" that mean "attack" and "I love cookies."

4. I do know if you hear a bird say "throw a wobbly," you should run.

5. I don't know what it means, but I have wounds that say it's bad.

6. I'm off to get a chokkie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

trees, not birds

I know birds love trees. And that's great. I love trees. I have never made a nest in a tree, but I still love them.

Today is Arbor Day! And for some reason, people celebrate Bird Day at the same time!

Bird Day is NOT until May 4! PLEASE LET ARBOR CELEBRATE ALONE!

It's brutally unfair to arbors to throw birds into their day.

How would you like it if your birthday came a week before National Phone Day and all day long people put them together and were, like, "Tell your phone I said hello!"

"Oh, yeah...happy birthwhatever..."

How does that feel? Not good.

Do you want our perennial woody plants to feel that way?

I didn't think so.

So make sure you bring a little gift out for every tree you see today. Give it a hug and let it know how much you love it.

Buy expensive gifts, too. Like...diamonds...and candy. And let me know where all these trees are so I can...um...make sure the trees get their gifts and nobody steals it.

I'm just trying to do my part. Protecting the trees.

And don't say anything nice to birds today. They get their day next week. They can wait. Impatient, hollow-boned wing flappers...

I'm off to picnic with a tree.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj