little bittle skittle

Have you seen the Skittles Riddles? They are Skittles flavors, BUT the color doesn't match the flavor inside!

So, if you get a purple Skittle, you don't know if it's cherry or banana or table or rubber or chocolate or what!

But I would like to ask a question...Does it matter?

I have, at times, taken every color of Skittle and put them with their own colors for various reasons. Twice for eating.

I have found that a handful of Skittles of ANY color tastes good. Sugary fruit! That's it!

So do I care what color the Skittle is on the outside? NO! They all taste like sugar! Because that's all they are! And that is all I want them to be!

It's not like yellow Skittles are yellow because they use lemons to make them. I know that and I'm okay with it.

So who are they really fooling with these?

Your children. Someday, if you buy these, your child will have NO idea what color goes with what fruit. They'll see a Lime and call it a Strawberry. You can tell them otherwise, but they'll just say, "Strawberries taste green, lady!" They will say that to you whether you are the mother or the father.

And whose fault is that? Skittles.

Do you know what they should do? They should combine Skittles and M&M's. YES! Why have a peanut or a pretzel in your M&M's when you could have a Skittle in there?!

How awesome would that be?! WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THIS!

It's a conspiracy! It's a fruit-color-chocolate-coated conspiracy! I'm going to go buy a bag of Skittles and a bag of M&M's right now. JUST to prove how good it is. Not the little bags, either. I'm going LARGE BAG!

I'm off to get a tummy ache.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

are car bumpers unhappy?

I know how to drive an automobile. Or, as the kids call it, a horseless carriage. And sometimes, when the police are not patrolling, I am actually allowed to drive places!

It's a lot of fun. But I do it responsibly. Partly because I like safety. Mostly because I don't want to go to jail.

For the past few weeks, I've noticed something odd during my driving adventures.

Car bumpers.

YEP! They're everywhere! Just sitting there on the side of the road!

Now, I bet you're wondering "Why would car bumpers just abandon the rest of their car bodies?"

I have 37 theories. 26 involve ninjas. 5 require large red dragons. 3 rely on theoretical physics. And 2 need me in space.

There is one other theory, but it's just too crazy to even mention. But, just in case, if you see a dinosaur with stars instead of horns that knows how to recite Shakespeare and rides on a blue cloud, please tell me. That would totally confirm my last theory.

I'd love to hear your theories. But I'm sure I already thought of it. I mean, I do have 37 of them. That's kind of a lot.

I'm off to check my bumper for ninjas.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tattoo yourself

I've had this blue dot on my hand for years. I mean, I remember having it in elementary school. I don't know where I got it, but it has never gone away.

WELL! I've asked around, and people are telling me that it IS possible to tattoo yourself! One theory is that I must have inked myself at a very young age so deep that the skin grew over it and now I have a small tattoo on my hand.

What's that? You say I'm totally hardcore for giving myself a tattoo?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think I did it when I was behind bars. Crib-style. I had to show my cabbage patch kid who was the boss.

Turned out he was the boss because he took WAY more abuse than I did. And I named him Michael Knight, so he's automatically tougher than I am.

THEORY TWO! Turns out they sometimes give a small tattoo to twins. Well, one of the twins. So you know which is which. Could I have a twin? And not just a twin, but I'm the imperfect one that was dotted!

Where is this perfect version of me? Is he or she a ninja? A movie star? A vampire?

I've been told I look like a Flynn Rider. Is that my twin?! Is that who I'm supposed to be?! Why can't I be Flynn Rider?!

Okay...so maybe Flynn Rider is a stretch, but a 9-year-old girl thinks I look like him, so I'll believe her.

I'm off to find a third theory.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i wanna golf like it's 1899

I was reading a book. I know, pretty rad. But, while reading said book, I came across a word that made my toes tingle with excitement.

Mashie Niblick.

Okay, so it's kinda like two words, but still, you feel the tingle.

The mashie niblick is a golf club! I know! How awesome is that! Golf clubs used to have SUPER FUN NAMES! I guess the game wasn't boring enough, so they stopped using cool names and decided to call all of them woods and irons.

But did you know that there used to be a Brassie?! YEAH! You might even hit something with a Spoon! Maybe take a few shots with a Jigger!

Okay, that last sentence sounds more like a night at a bar, but isn't that how golf usually ends (OOOOOOH! GOLF ZINGER!)

It would be sooooo much more fun listening to the announcers, too.

"Well Berthold, it looks like he's going to play with his Cleek here."

" Yes Shelby, but it would probably be better if he used his Mashie."

"Really Berthold. That's the club you would use. REALLY?! Why don't you just suggest his Baffing Spoon! That would make just as much sense! ...mashie...I work with a bunch of niblicks..."

"..."

WOAH! Those old-time golf announcers are mean! But way more fun!

I'm off to play with my Mashie Niblick.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

solar storms are coming again

SO PANIC!

Or don't. You don't really have to. It might only disturb the Earth's magnetic field for a little while. If you get home from work and all your magnets from your fridge fell off, you now know why.

I hope you don't magnet anything valuable on your fridge like family heirlooms or babies. Or, if you do, maybe put them on display somewhere else for a day or two. Just to be safe. Until the solar storms stop.

Or, if you have mutant powers of magnetism, like Magneto, you might not be able to do much. I wouldn't try to throw any trains around or anything. It might end up falling on you. And that's REALLY uncomfortable.

This coronal mass ejection is actually coming at us pretty fast. 4 MILLION miles an hour.

I once got my car to go that fast. But only once. It cost too much to keep replacing the tires.

Does it rain sunshine during solar storms? I bet that would be pretty! Little golden drops of sun would land on your head and make a golden rainbow!

Oh...wait...the sun is really hot. It's, like, hotter than steamed milk. And steamed milk is pretty hot. And something hotter than THAT might actually burn you.

Hmmm...maybe this solar storm isn't really that fun. Maybe I should run and panic and hide in a metal shelter.

Nah. I wanna see sunshine rain from the sky!

I'm off to catch some sun drops on my tongue.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

mittens, mittens everywhere

My faith in humanity has been restored!

I was driving to work with my mittens on. Then, the heat started working, so I took them off and put them on my lap.

THEN! I got to work, forget that they were on my lap and I guess they fell onto the ground.

When I got out of work, guess what I saw next to my car...

MY MITTENS!

Nobody stole them! How amazing is that?! I even had a car next to me. That person could have seen my mittens and just taken them and kept their hands warm forever.

But they didn't! Because they love me!

I'm sure they love you, too. I bet they wouldn't steal your mittens, either.

Mittens Romney probably gets mittens for free since that's his name.

Speaking of presidential names. Well, Mittens isn't president yet, but he's trying! Did you know the president of Nigeria has a fun name? It's Goodluck Jonathan!

I wish they would work together for a bill or law or something. Like, the "Goodluck Mittens Accord."

That would be the most ADORABLE accord ever! I LOVE IT! Maybe use a picture of a kitten on it!

Kittens wearing mittens are so cute. I'd say that's tied for 3rd on my "Most Cutest Things Ever" list.

I'm off to wear my mittens.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

science should know by now that this is a bad idea

What are they thinking?! Scientists have created "supersoldier" ants with HUGE HEADS! They figured out what genes to "mess around" with to give ants GIANT MANDIBLES!

REALLY?! Haven't these people watched ANY science FACT movies from the 50's! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

I once saw a movie with giant grasshoppers. Do you know what happened. PEOPLE GOT HURT! They climbed buildings!

Do we REALLY want giant ants?! They lift 50 times their own weight. Do you know how much that is when an ant is bigger than you? I can tell you. IT'S A LOT!

Luckily, I have a backup plan. It involves gophers, hedgehogs and clip-on ties.

But we can avoid all this with one simple idea: Stop making giant ants.

INSTEAD! Let's make giant Hershey Kisses. I know what you're thinking, "They already make giant Hershey Kisses."

No. They don't. Those are kinda big Hershey Kisses. Bigger than the ones in the bag. But not GIANT. When I say giant, I MEAN GIANT! Like, as big as Australia! THAT is giant!

This way, we won't get eaten by giant ants. And we get chocolate.

I say that's a win-win. And two wins are better than a mandible crushing your head. Trust me, I know.

I'm off to talk with the hedgehogs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj