christmas letter 2012

I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)

This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.

My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"

My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.

Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.

After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!

I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.

Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!

He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.

The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.

Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.

The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.

Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.

I'm off to serve 67-93 people.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj