Wednesday, January 29, 2014

master of dreamland

Do you ever wish you could control everything you do in your dreams? Of course you do! Everybody wants that!

Well, a company in California says they figured out how you can with a special headband that you wear on your head. Unlike the headbands I wear on my knees.

This headband keeps track of you while you are sleeping. Like your brainwaves and when you’re in REM sleep and stuff.

When you are in a deep sleep and dreaming, it creates lights and sounds that will make you aware that you are dreaming without waking you up. Then, when you know you are dreaming, you do whatever you want in your dreams!

What would you do in your dreams? There are so many choices! I mean, theoretically, we dream every night. So you could do something different EVERY SINGLE DAY.

One day you could be a princess stuck in a western movie and you have to save the town from an evil group of hedgehog outlaws.

I know. Hedgehogs in little cowboy hats is one of the most adorable things I can think of, too. I might dream of that for a few nights just for fun.

After that, you could dream that you’re a rhino space adventurer! You have a huge rocket ship that lets you go to different planets in search of magical treasures hidden by evil pirate waffles!

Then you could dream that you’re sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading a book on a warm day in Paris!

Well, they don’t ALL have to be so crazy. It might be nice to relax for a night.

I totally want this. As long as it’s not like Inception. Because I’m pretty sure bad stuff happened in those dreams.

I’m off to check my totem.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, January 27, 2014

sugar power

Virginia Tech has the smartest people ever. They have created a sugar battery. Did you hear me? A SUGAR BATTERY.

I mean, it’s so obvious! I’ve been powered by sugar since I was a toddler! Why didn’t I think of using it to keep my computer working?

Not only that, but it’s rechargeable! Guess what you have to do to make it work again.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

GIVE IT MORE SUGAR!

That’s exactly how I work every day! This is so simple that it’s genius.

It’s not ready yet, though. I tried pouring sugar on my computer. Now I need a new computer.

Once it IS ready, there is one possible problem. I might eat my batteries. I have been told that batteries we use now are NOT edible. Like, so not edible that you could die if you eat them.

This is a problem for me. I like to just eat things. Because, you know, it’s there. You never know what could taste good!

Sugar batteries would be such a nice change. I could open up your phone and start licking the battery and it would be totally NOT weird!

When I did that yesterday at the store, the person in front of me totally freaked out. I have no idea why. It’s not like I was going to steal their phone. Just taste it a little.

I have been told many times that I need to work on my boundaries. And multiple other issues.

Sugar batteries could solve world energy problems and some socially awkward moments for me.

I’m off to recharge my batteries.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, January 24, 2014

going bananas for bananas

Did you know bananas are bad for monkeys? Would you ever have guessed that?!

A zoo in England is saying that bananas have too much sugar for monkeys. And the calorie count is too high. Because they eat human bananas.

I honestly had no idea that bananas were grown to please humans. We decided to breed them to be sweeter. I guess they started growing bananas and sugar cane in the same field and made the yummy treat we have today.

Editor’s Note: The science of that statement may or may not be true. Since it was completely made up.

Now that they are off the bananas, they are less aggressive. They also have “thicker and better” fur.

Should I stop eating bananas? I would LOVE thicker and better fur! Who doesn’t want that?!

I like bananas. I also like the word banana. I think it is one of the few fruits that can be used to describe something not fruit-related.

How did it happen that saying something is “bananas” meant that it’s crazy or wild? I’ve never seen a banana do anything crazy.

Maybe I’m just hanging out with the wrong bananas. (Get it? That’s funny because bananas are a hanging fruit!)

More fruits should mean other things. Peachy is a nice one. Why doesn’t apple mean anything?

Like, “No way! You beat Metroid?! That’s so apple!”

I’m going to start using that.

I’m off to have an apple day.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

a toast to toast

I love toast. I’ve said it a million times. It’s amazing. It’s ALWAYS amazing. It’s a magical food that magically appears from bread. Magically. It’s so good!

Apparently, I’m not the only person who loves toast! Because now you can get “artisanal toast” at special toast cafes! From toast baristas. (Baristoasts?) It’ll only cost $3-$4 to get a perfect piece of toast.

I know what you’re thinking. That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as unperfect toast. And I would agree with you.

That’s it. I really do agree with you.

I guess I should say more to defend these places, so I’ll give you some details. They are making it with special breads and fancy toppings. And they put on these toppings with so much care, that you probably don’t want to eat the food. Just look at its beauty.

That’s fine. Go for it. I don’t eat food because it’s pretty. I eat food so I don’t die. At least, that’s what I’ve been told would happen if I don’t eat food. I’ve never actually tried it. I’m too scared.

And this isn’t like some extreme sport where it’s fun and they say you COULD die. This is a risk that has a guarantee that you WILL die.

I like to live on the edge. But LIVE is the important part.

I suppose I can understand if you don’t want to buy a whole loaf of European Winter Wheat bread (only grown in winter and stone ground during the coldest day of the year) and a whole jar of strawberry jam made from Russian strawberries that were grown in blankets made of alpaca fur. Something like that might be better to just get by the slice and knife. (That’s a good name for a toast café!)

Making artisanal stuff is very popular these days. I recently wrote about a guy who makes artisanally sharpened pencils by hand.

Maybe I should artisanalate something. Like dental floss. I’d make every strand by hand. That could be my motto! And I’ll open up a floss bar where you come and floss with different flavored strands! $10 a visit! I’ll be rich AND help dental hygiene!

I’m off to get flossy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, January 20, 2014

buckingham presents

Sometimes I forget how cool it would be to be a part of the royal family at Buckingham Palace.

I mean, it seems like it’s kinda blah. Just being all princey or something. Having to do lots of public events and just smile a lot when I’d RATHER be sitting around reading comic books! In the Royal Comic Book Reading Room. (Which is currently a chair in my apartment.)

But maybe the events would be worth it! People just send them gifts all the time! Random gifts to say “Thank You” for being royalty!

Queen Elizabeth got a candy castle! I know! That would be so perfect for me. If you ever walked into my dreams, you have seen that I live in a candy castle with my pet unicorn, Starglitter.

Starglitter and I eat the castle every day. Then fall asleep in a sugary haze. Then wake up the next morning to a new candy castle!

My dreams are awesomer than yours. So feel free to join me in mine and get some candy.

Apparently nobody likes Prince Phillip. He got a wooden box. That’s it. I’ve never met Prince Phillip, so maybe he’s into that sort of thing. He might have a whole wooden box collection. Which would make him a…very…exciting person…

Princess Anne got some sweet stuff! She got a garden gnome AND a painting of her riding a moose!

Garden gnomes are always helpful. Especially in gardens. Perhaps they work well in wooden boxes. I don’t know.

But a painting of her riding a moose?! What would compel you to even paint that? Why a moose? Is she an actual moose-rider? Is this something people do?

And why wasn’t the garden gnome in the picture? THAT would have been a cool gift. I would like a copy of that painting for my Reading Room/Chair.

I’m off to find a gnome with a paint brush.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, January 17, 2014

broadway and the bowl

I don’t know if football fans and Broadway fans are always the same. I’m sure there are some people who love both. But I imagine there aren’t too many.

I’m not a huge fan of football or musicals, so I really couldn’t tell you if people at "Wicked" are wearing Titans jerseys. Or if people at a Patriots game are singing about the hills being alive. Possibly with music.

Of course, if I went to see "Wicked," I would TOTALLY wear a Titans jersey. Go Titans! (Inside joke. Ask me about it sometime.)

I say this because the guy who made the sets for the Broadway musical “Kinky Boots” is the same guy who designed the luxury suites for MetLife Stadium in New Jersey!

Yes! THE David Rockwell! And since nobody REALLY wants to be outside in the cold for the Super Bowl, you can get access to your very own suite for only $400,000!

They have bars, refrigerators, big TVs (so you can see the game better), and fireplaces!

It’ll almost seem like you’re really at the game! If the game was being played in the backyard of your mansion.

Which kinda sounds like it makes more sense to me.

If you actually do want to be outside, don’t worry, they have heated leather seats ready for you. That way you can feel like a real fan. But everyone inside watching on the TV by the fire being served their hot chocolatinis and talking about the "Pippin" revival will think you’re crazy.

Oh, I almost forgot. The best line in the article. When asked about these suites, the guy in charge said, “It’s not often that we have the opportunity to offer suites to the general public.”

I have a feeling that my definition of “general public” might be slightly different. My “general public” can’t spend $400,000 to watch a football game on TV at a football game.

Again, I’m not a dictionary. But I know someone who is. I’ll ask her.

I’m off to sing about tackling. (What rhymes with tackle? Spackle?)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

watch out for verbs

Computer scientists know where the money is! Young Adult Fiction!

Ok…that might not be true. But they have created an algorithm to predict if a book will be a commercial success or not. It’s correct 84% of the time!

I imagine that they want to create a program with will just write books that sell a lot of copies. Then we wouldn’t need people writers anymore.

You wouldn’t need ME anymore! Imagine how great that would be! I wouldn’t have to write ever again! I’d have a program just spit out the perfect blog every day. And people might actually READ it.

I know! Crazy!

So how do you write a money-making book? Avoid cliches and the excessive use of verbs.  It also looks at the “interestingness” of the book.

How do I stop using verbs?! I don’t know if I can do that! And cliches! Those are my favorite kind of ches!

You want a story full of interestingnessicity?! Take this YA publishers!

Vampires gladly blood. Young woman in battle districts. Owls, letters, scars, magics, and friends. No evil.

Take that publishing world! I just schooled you!

Wait...that’s a cliche. Drat. It might also be verbed.

Maybe I should just wait for the computers to take over and start writing. Get rid of those pesky verbs. It’s not like they do anything. They just get in the way of nouning stuff.

I’m off to verb a cliche.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, January 13, 2014

follow the food rules

New York City got a new mayor. He likes pizza. BUT! He eats it with a fork and knife!

This has caused a STIR among New Yorkers. It’s right up there with Watergate. If you add flour and salt and yeast to the Water. Like, Waterfloursaltyeastmixandletitriseuntilyouarereadytoputtoppingsonitgate.

Or, just Pizzagate. If you want to be boring.

Apparently, there are specific ways to eat food. Just like in Victorian times. No white rice after Labor Day. No elbows on the table. No fork with your pizza!

This mayor, Bill, says that he eats pizza like they do in Italy. I didn’t know if that was true, so I tried to find out by calling Italy.

Italy: Ciao.

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: Scuse?

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: È questa la cosa di pizza? Ho detto di no più chiamate!

Here’s the problem. I only know how to ask for “one beer and cheese, please” in Italian. I didn’t actually take Italian. I learned a few phrases in high school. For some reason I remember that one. I don’t even drink beer. Or eat cheese.

If I’m ever stranded in Italy, I might die.

But I AM an expert at interpreting languages, so I’m PRETTY sure that Italy said, “Do we eat pizza with utensils sometimes? You better believe your chia pet we do, mate!”

So there you go. Mayor Bill wasn’t lying. He loves Italian traditions. Like forking a pizza, eating Neapolitan ice cream, and singing opera.

Oddly enough, that’s exactly what I do when I shower in the morning.

I’m off to get a cheese beer. (yuck.)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, January 10, 2014

the guam invasion

Snakes have invaded Guam. And there’s only one team that can fix it.

A crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These mice promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles undergr…wait…that’s the A-Team.

Sorry, sometimes I get my soldiers of fortuneses confusedes.

What is REALLY happening is that these secret agent mice are going to parachute into the heart of Guam with a secret weapon.

N-acetyl-para-aminophenol. Code Name: Tylenol. Safe in small doses for aches and pains. Deadly to snakes whether they have aches and/or pains.

The mice signed up for this mission knowing that there was no chance of coming back home. But that’s how mice are. They knew that the only way to get a snake to eat the N-acetyl-para-aminophenol was to ingest it themselves.

Like a Trojan Horse. But smaller. And more over-the-countery.

The Mouse Paratroopers dropped into Guam and there they will remain until the fight is done.

Once it is done, Guam can get back to exporting copra and textiles.

So next time you see a mouse on the street, tip your hat and say, “Thank You.” They’ll appreciate that.

If you are not wearing a hat, buy one, then tip it.

And if you have a problem. And if no one else can help.

Gah! I did it again!

I’m off to call the A-Team.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

circle the magnetic field

Have you ever seen dogs circle around before they go to the bathroom? Did you know that scientists have been trying to figure their reasons for YEARS and now have a theory as to why?!

They like to line up with the magnetic field! The Earth’s magnetic field. Not the band. You don’t have to play them certain songs to go to the bathroom.

Well, your dog MIGHT need that. But it’s not what was studied.

The magnetic field is not always “calm.” But, when it is, dogs line up along the north-south axis. Then it is time to go bathrooming!

How do they even know?! Are all dogs like Magneto?! Do they know that you need protection from cosmic rays when going potty? I mean, that’s the first thing my mom ever taught me.

Me: “MOM! I have to potty!”

Mom: “The bathroom is over there. But remember, WATCH OUT FOR COSMIC RAYS!”

Maybe the Fantastic Four should have had my mom.

Is this actually something humans should do? Is there something in the digestive system that works better when lined up with the north-south axis? Should I eat more magnets? (Editor’s Note: NEVER EAT MAGNETS)

Should I be bringing a compass with me every time I go to the bathroom?

Maybe I should go into the woods and attempt to "feel" the magnetic field. I’ve been called an outdoorsman before. I mean, I called myself that once. I have been outdoors. So I’m pretty sure it’s true.

As you can see, I have a lot of questions about going to the bathroom. I have no idea what I should do. Hopefully somebody will answer them soon because I really have to go.

I’m off to field a magnet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, January 6, 2014

don’t buy that

I recently saw a list of things NOT to buy in 2014. It says things like GPS, because you probably have a similar app on your phone. And cable TV because you might save money streaming everything.

In the article, the second thing on the list was “landline service.” They talk about everybody going to mobile phones and stuff.

Then, as I was reading it, it said, “according to data released this month by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

WHAT?! Why are they asking people about their phones instead of doing diseases preventions?!

I can’t find anything about them having an Office of Landline Phone Ownership on their website.

BUT! As luck would have it! I found out OTHER stuff about them!

The CDC has a museum! I bet you didn’t know that! They get special health-related exhibits and performances.

I don’t know about you, but this is getting me more excited than and a pet robot dragon.

Also…SUMMER CAMP!

What kid wouldn’t want to go to CDC Summer Camp?! I bet they wash their hands ALL THE TIME.

I wish I knew about this when I was in high school. I would have been there every year.

Instead of sports, we would clean offices. And instead of roasting marshmallows over a fire, we’d boil water to purify it.

“Fun” just took on a whole new meaning.

I’m off to view the CDC museum’s online exhibits.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, January 3, 2014

go home text, you’re drunk

Scientists in Canada have successfully sent a text message...using vodka! This is totally true!

Now you don’t even have to drink to send a drunken text message! “Science: Making texts from last night more efficient!”

They texted “O Canada” across a room. 4 meters in fact! If you don’t know what a meter is, it’s like a Canadian yardstick.

They entered the letters. Then used a spray bottle full of vodka to spray the text in binary code. Then a little fan got the vodka across the room to the receiver.

I never said it was high tech. They only had $100 and a bottle of vodka. It’s not like anybody was going to fund this project.

Though, I know people who would have a VERY different night if they only had $100 and a bottle of vodka.

At least with the Canadian scientists, I don’t have to pick them up from the carousel at the county fair at 3AM.

This all leads me to believe that Canada needs better mobile phone service. I don’t know what Verizon or ATT are doing, but they clearly aren’t putting up enough towers there.

But if Absolut needs a business partner, I’m pretty sure that we’d do pretty well setting up a bunch of cell towers that sprayed vodka.

I’m off to pick up my friend. He’s stuck in a trunk. An elephant’s trunk. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, January 2, 2014

bigger candy wins again

I’ve said this for years. When you make candy and want to sell more of it, just MAKE IT BIGGER.

Finally, m&m’s are joining the party! This year, they are adding new MEGA-style candy-coated chocolate.

THREE TIMES the amount of chocolate getting coated with candy! That will also require some extra candy coating! I don’t know the coating-to-chocolate ratio, so I cannot tell you exactly how much more coating will be needed, but I’m fairly confident it will be LOTS more!

I have also tried some new flavors of m&m’s. Generally, I’m not a fan of possessive candy, but having done my research on them, I feel like it’s acceptable to try new varieties. But I will NOT let them own me!

There is a white chocolate peppermint flavor and a holiday mint flavor.

Both tasted minty. And were good. You can probably get them cheaper now. I did.

Though, I am not quite sure what flavor “holiday” is. I did not know that was, in fact, a flavor. Or that it was even a variety of mint!

I mean, there’s wintergreen mint, pepper mint, and spear mint, but what is "holiday?" And how do you make it minty?!

Doing intense research online came up with nothing. So, I cannot officially tell you what "holiday" is or how it became a flavor.

Maybe it's more like saying, "That's cool." Or, "That's awesome." When I was younger, I used to say, "That's totally mint!" I should say that more often.

I DID enjoy green flavor recently. NOT wintergreen. Unspecified-season green. It was in the form of yoghurt that was frozen. I would say it tasted "mint," but that might be confusing. Since the flavor was not mint. It was just "green." Green tastes good.

Green Tastes Good would also be a good name for a band.

I’m off to lick a holiday.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj