It’s the same old story. A single photon walks into a cloud of rubidium atoms on a cool night that’s only a few degrees above absolute zero. Another single photon walks into the same cloud. They bump into each other, fall in love, and leave together.
Wait! That’s not the same old story! It’s brand new because it’s never happened before! Photons never fell in love like this!
Usually photons aren’t interested in each other at all! They’re so self-absorbed that they just ignore each other. Science has been trying to figure out what song to play to get photons in the mood and bond as a single molecule. Turns out it’s Celine Dion…with rubidium atoms and freezing temperatures. But Celine helps.
So why all these (clever) jokes and (romantic) stories about photons? Because the scientists and researchers at MIT and Harvard say that this new matter is kinda like a lightsaber!
This means Star Wars is real and I am a Jedi Knight!
It really means that we could use this to make quantum computers. Which would be cool. Imagine your computer being better than Batman’s computer. THAT is why we want quantum computers.
Also, imagine a lightsaber.
My Halloween costume is going to be so good this year. You’ll be so jealous when you see me with a real lightsaber.
Unless you’re a Sith. Then you won’t be jealous, you’ll just be scared. Because I’m, like, an awesome Jedi. Better than awesome, even.
I’m off to get some photons and rubidium atoms in a cold room.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
library scam
Have you heard about this place called “The Library?”
It’s totally real. I don’t know if it’s legal to go there, but they have this great scam going.
I can “borrow” all sorts of stuff from them. They just give it to me! If I bring it back by a certain date, it’s totally free! If I’m late, there’s a fee, but that’s to be expected from any black market deal.
I’ve seen movies that have “Chop Shops.” They DON’T sell cutlery. They DO steal cars and sell parts to other people. If you need something in another state, they’ll get it to you for the right price.
This “library” does the same thing! I can go online and request a comic book. If my local library doesn’t have it, they get it from another one!
How crazy is that?! Again…all free! This is probably the LEAST profitable chop shop idea I’ve ever heard of, but I imagine that the late fees are expensive. Probably billions of dollars and maybe some sort of limb.
I don’t know, but I don’t want to risk a visit from a library enforcer. I’ve been to the library. People are scared to even talk in there. It’s eerily quiet. I can only imagine that we’re being watched. Mess up one book, and you’re “checked out.”
That’s what they call it there. Like when they say “sleepin’ with the fishes” in mob movies.
The library “Don” is somebody called “Dewey Decimal.” I don’t know if this person is even real, but Dewey keeps track of everything in EVERY library.
And if I’ve learned 2 things in my life, one is to never mess with anybody named Dewey.
The other is to stock up on jelly beans during Easter sales. Because that’s when they’re fresh.
If you can handle the fear, you should use this library, too. It’s a good deal. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but if you don’t tell the authorities, we could scam the system for a LONG time.
I’m off to get a book AND return it on time.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
It’s totally real. I don’t know if it’s legal to go there, but they have this great scam going.
I can “borrow” all sorts of stuff from them. They just give it to me! If I bring it back by a certain date, it’s totally free! If I’m late, there’s a fee, but that’s to be expected from any black market deal.
I’ve seen movies that have “Chop Shops.” They DON’T sell cutlery. They DO steal cars and sell parts to other people. If you need something in another state, they’ll get it to you for the right price.
This “library” does the same thing! I can go online and request a comic book. If my local library doesn’t have it, they get it from another one!
How crazy is that?! Again…all free! This is probably the LEAST profitable chop shop idea I’ve ever heard of, but I imagine that the late fees are expensive. Probably billions of dollars and maybe some sort of limb.
I don’t know, but I don’t want to risk a visit from a library enforcer. I’ve been to the library. People are scared to even talk in there. It’s eerily quiet. I can only imagine that we’re being watched. Mess up one book, and you’re “checked out.”
That’s what they call it there. Like when they say “sleepin’ with the fishes” in mob movies.
The library “Don” is somebody called “Dewey Decimal.” I don’t know if this person is even real, but Dewey keeps track of everything in EVERY library.
And if I’ve learned 2 things in my life, one is to never mess with anybody named Dewey.
The other is to stock up on jelly beans during Easter sales. Because that’s when they’re fresh.
If you can handle the fear, you should use this library, too. It’s a good deal. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but if you don’t tell the authorities, we could scam the system for a LONG time.
I’m off to get a book AND return it on time.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
hug a slug
The medical world is ready to slug you! Well, not slug you, but slug glue you.
Did you know that the goo that slugs (or terrestrial gastropod mollusks) slide around on could replace your stitches? Yep! They have found that the slug goo will seal your wounds AND move with your skin!
That means no more stitches or scars!
It also means a carnivorous slug might attack you! It’s true! There are carnivorous terrestrial gastropod mollusks! And they hunt by following a slime trail. You get slugness on you, then you become part of that trail. Hopefully you don’t bump into any giant, mutant carnivorous slugs after getting a large wound.
There is also the chance that another slug will ask you out on a date! Which is, I think, slightly better than getting eaten by a slug. Slugs will follow the slime trail of the same species of slug and see if they’re interested in a date.
These are all very real possibilities when it comes to a slug life.
Actually, the biology professor who is studying this has “SLUG LIFE” tattooed on his knuckles. Because he’s cool like that.
I wonder what it would be like if people had to secrete goo to live. I mean, I’ve had a runny nose before, but I don’t think that’s the same thing.
Still, I’ve been really sick and have had some REALLY gross nose adventures! I’m sure you want to hear all about them some day!
Wait…does that mean that there are slugs in my head? When I’m sick, I must have a carnivorous slug trying to eat my brain!
Then it will take over my mind and make me do ungastropodal things! Like…hold things with an opposable thumb!
Or maybe I’m already in the slugs clutches...(dramatic pause)
If I blow my nose, don’t come near me. Save yourself! It’s already too late for me!
I’m off to follow the slime trail.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Did you know that the goo that slugs (or terrestrial gastropod mollusks) slide around on could replace your stitches? Yep! They have found that the slug goo will seal your wounds AND move with your skin!
That means no more stitches or scars!
It also means a carnivorous slug might attack you! It’s true! There are carnivorous terrestrial gastropod mollusks! And they hunt by following a slime trail. You get slugness on you, then you become part of that trail. Hopefully you don’t bump into any giant, mutant carnivorous slugs after getting a large wound.
There is also the chance that another slug will ask you out on a date! Which is, I think, slightly better than getting eaten by a slug. Slugs will follow the slime trail of the same species of slug and see if they’re interested in a date.
These are all very real possibilities when it comes to a slug life.
Actually, the biology professor who is studying this has “SLUG LIFE” tattooed on his knuckles. Because he’s cool like that.
I wonder what it would be like if people had to secrete goo to live. I mean, I’ve had a runny nose before, but I don’t think that’s the same thing.
Still, I’ve been really sick and have had some REALLY gross nose adventures! I’m sure you want to hear all about them some day!
Wait…does that mean that there are slugs in my head? When I’m sick, I must have a carnivorous slug trying to eat my brain!
Then it will take over my mind and make me do ungastropodal things! Like…hold things with an opposable thumb!
Or maybe I’m already in the slugs clutches...(dramatic pause)
If I blow my nose, don’t come near me. Save yourself! It’s already too late for me!
I’m off to follow the slime trail.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, September 23, 2013
cats in space
Iran wants to put a kitty in space! Because Iran wants to have the cutest space program ever!
Just imagine kitties in space suits. Are you imagining it? The cuteness is overwhelming, isn’t it?!
Apparently, Iran has been sending animals into space for the past few years. They did a mouse, a turtle, and some worms. I’m not sure if it was at the same time, but I really hope it was. That’s just a children’s book WAITING to happen!
Why isn’t Iran putting video of all this stuff on YouTube? Or getting Pixar to make movies? I mean, seriously, cute animals in space? It practically writes itself!
The latest trip (Space Animals 2) is coming soon and it’s going to be a cat, a mouse, or a rabbit going into space. I have no idea how they decide this, but if it’s anything like the movies, showing the three of them training for a space mission would be awesome!
It would be like Bucky O’Hare, Nyan Cat, and Mickey Mouse all competing to be the next animal in space.
Obviously Bucky would win. Because he’s funky AND fresh. Also, he goes where no other rabbit would dare. Plus, he has a laser gun.
I would totally watch a cartoon about space-kitties purring and fighting yarn and stuff. Or not even a cartoon! Just put a bunch of kitties in space and film it! Like, “Real Kitties of the Milky Way!”
I would watch that all the time, Iran! That’s what you need to do! That will get you funding for the next trip with cute and cuddly animals!
OH! Then you could do the next Puppy Bowl in space! Just a bunch of floating puppies.
People would completely forget about that weird football game. Trust me. I’m a TV executive every third Wednesday.
I’m off to be cute. In space.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Just imagine kitties in space suits. Are you imagining it? The cuteness is overwhelming, isn’t it?!
Apparently, Iran has been sending animals into space for the past few years. They did a mouse, a turtle, and some worms. I’m not sure if it was at the same time, but I really hope it was. That’s just a children’s book WAITING to happen!
Why isn’t Iran putting video of all this stuff on YouTube? Or getting Pixar to make movies? I mean, seriously, cute animals in space? It practically writes itself!
The latest trip (Space Animals 2) is coming soon and it’s going to be a cat, a mouse, or a rabbit going into space. I have no idea how they decide this, but if it’s anything like the movies, showing the three of them training for a space mission would be awesome!
It would be like Bucky O’Hare, Nyan Cat, and Mickey Mouse all competing to be the next animal in space.
Obviously Bucky would win. Because he’s funky AND fresh. Also, he goes where no other rabbit would dare. Plus, he has a laser gun.
I would totally watch a cartoon about space-kitties purring and fighting yarn and stuff. Or not even a cartoon! Just put a bunch of kitties in space and film it! Like, “Real Kitties of the Milky Way!”
I would watch that all the time, Iran! That’s what you need to do! That will get you funding for the next trip with cute and cuddly animals!
OH! Then you could do the next Puppy Bowl in space! Just a bunch of floating puppies.
People would completely forget about that weird football game. Trust me. I’m a TV executive every third Wednesday.
I’m off to be cute. In space.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, September 20, 2013
drone flocks
A town in Colorado is selling hunting licenses for drones. Because I guess there are a lot of drones in Colorado?
I’m actually not sure about drone migrations. I’m not really an expert. I’m guessing that if you can catch a wild drone, you might be able to put an electronic tag on it so we can follow it around.
Or, since it’s already electronic, do we need to put an unelectronic tag on it? I’ll have to look into that.
I DO know for a fact that drones tend to go to the Middle East in winter. I think it has something to do with the warmer climate, but we don’t really know. It’s a mystery...like the migration of monarch butterflies and retirees.
But in Colorado, due to the lack of natural drone predators, there are far too many drones in the air. It’s causing all sorts of electronic interference and a slight buzzing sound for people with hearing aids.
So, they need to control the population by making it legal to hunt them during the warmer months. And any month Colorado is at war with the United States. More likely the warmer months.
Drones don’t provide much for meat, but their insides are good for fixing boom boxes and vacuum cleaners.
Mounting them on your wall is one way to impress your friends. And yes, size does matter. The smaller the drone, the more impressed people are. Because they know it took REAL skill to hit something that small.
I mean, seriously, hitting something large that isn’t moving is pretty easy. But those tiny drones are quick! You hit that, and you’re the sharpest shooter in the woodland!
If you have a drone problem in your state, you should write to your FAA representative about drone hunting.
But be very careful, evolution has given some drones very good protection. Like missiles. But like bees, once the missiles have been used, they don’t grow a new one.
Still, getting shot with a missile stings slightly worse than a bee.
I’m off to mount a drone.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I’m actually not sure about drone migrations. I’m not really an expert. I’m guessing that if you can catch a wild drone, you might be able to put an electronic tag on it so we can follow it around.
Or, since it’s already electronic, do we need to put an unelectronic tag on it? I’ll have to look into that.
I DO know for a fact that drones tend to go to the Middle East in winter. I think it has something to do with the warmer climate, but we don’t really know. It’s a mystery...like the migration of monarch butterflies and retirees.
But in Colorado, due to the lack of natural drone predators, there are far too many drones in the air. It’s causing all sorts of electronic interference and a slight buzzing sound for people with hearing aids.
So, they need to control the population by making it legal to hunt them during the warmer months. And any month Colorado is at war with the United States. More likely the warmer months.
Drones don’t provide much for meat, but their insides are good for fixing boom boxes and vacuum cleaners.
Mounting them on your wall is one way to impress your friends. And yes, size does matter. The smaller the drone, the more impressed people are. Because they know it took REAL skill to hit something that small.
I mean, seriously, hitting something large that isn’t moving is pretty easy. But those tiny drones are quick! You hit that, and you’re the sharpest shooter in the woodland!
If you have a drone problem in your state, you should write to your FAA representative about drone hunting.
But be very careful, evolution has given some drones very good protection. Like missiles. But like bees, once the missiles have been used, they don’t grow a new one.
Still, getting shot with a missile stings slightly worse than a bee.
I’m off to mount a drone.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Thursday, September 19, 2013
candy, catsup, coins, and canada
What’s up with this?! How come all the good stuff happens in Canada?!
Seriously. I mean, I’ve praised Canada a million times for the amazing candy they sell there.
Sugar is practically the major food group in these United States! (At least, it is for me. It should be for you, too.) But for some reason, you can’t find a Wunderbar or a Coffee Crisp here. I have NO idea why.
Editor’s Note: If you never had a Wunderbar, find one. Imagine a Butterfinger and a Caramello having a baby. THAT is a Wunderbar. Also known as heaven.
Another Editor's Note: It's not a real baby. Don't eat babies.
If we’re not eating candy, we’re probably having potato chips. Lately, I’ve seen more and more catsup/ketchup chips in the United States. But I couldn’t find them for years. And even now that I CAN find them, none taste as good as the Canadian ones.
It’s weird that it took so long. I mean, we put catsup/ketchup on fries all the time. Why not chips?
But I digress. More than usual. The REAL reason I’m alliterating my headline comes down to money. Specifically…coins. Even morer specificallyer…Superman.
Canada is minting Superman coins! For his 75th birthday! Why isn’t the United States doing this?
If you don’t know, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Joe was born in Toronto, but Jerry was born in Cleveland! And Superman was created in Cleveland!
I think it’s only fitting to put Superman on every denomination of our currency. Presidents on bills are lame. Supermans on bills is AWESOME.
Can I order Superman coins from Canada? Sure. Would I rather get Superman from my ATM. YES!
At least Canada knows how to mint money!
I’m off to make it minter.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Seriously. I mean, I’ve praised Canada a million times for the amazing candy they sell there.
Sugar is practically the major food group in these United States! (At least, it is for me. It should be for you, too.) But for some reason, you can’t find a Wunderbar or a Coffee Crisp here. I have NO idea why.
Editor’s Note: If you never had a Wunderbar, find one. Imagine a Butterfinger and a Caramello having a baby. THAT is a Wunderbar. Also known as heaven.
Another Editor's Note: It's not a real baby. Don't eat babies.
If we’re not eating candy, we’re probably having potato chips. Lately, I’ve seen more and more catsup/ketchup chips in the United States. But I couldn’t find them for years. And even now that I CAN find them, none taste as good as the Canadian ones.
It’s weird that it took so long. I mean, we put catsup/ketchup on fries all the time. Why not chips?
But I digress. More than usual. The REAL reason I’m alliterating my headline comes down to money. Specifically…coins. Even morer specificallyer…Superman.
Canada is minting Superman coins! For his 75th birthday! Why isn’t the United States doing this?
If you don’t know, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Joe was born in Toronto, but Jerry was born in Cleveland! And Superman was created in Cleveland!
I think it’s only fitting to put Superman on every denomination of our currency. Presidents on bills are lame. Supermans on bills is AWESOME.
Can I order Superman coins from Canada? Sure. Would I rather get Superman from my ATM. YES!
At least Canada knows how to mint money!
I’m off to make it minter.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, September 16, 2013
the bird and the coconut
Sometimes news just boggles my mind. And yes, I DO mean the news will shake my head and then try to make words from all the letter cubes in there. Because that is exactly what I think is inside my head. Stork: 5 points!
A stork is in police custody in Egypt. As a suspected spy. This is a real story. A man was fishing when he saw a stork with an electronic device on it. And, an actual quote from the story, “Thinking it was an undercover agent, he captured the stork and took it to a police station…”
An undercover agent. Maybe I’ve been spoiled growing up in these United States, but I would never actually consider a bird being an “undercover agent” in real life. Maybe if I was just making up a story. But to actually, seriously consider that? I…have no words…
Turns out the stork was just a stork. Possibly delivering babies. Also, helping the French study its migration with a wildlife tracker. Because, obviously, that wouldn’t be your first thought.
And yet! When I say I have no words! If I could have even unmore than no words, I would for this!
A coconut is being held on suspicion of ballot-tampering in the Maldives.
I mean, I sometimes make up weird stories. And I WISH I could come up with stuff this creative!
The coconut was arrested because it was near a polling station. It had writing on it, so they thought it was using magic to influence the voters.
After a thorough investigation, the coconut was found innocent. Though, it is still being watched after multiple phone calls were made to a baby-less stork. And a lime.
I honestly can’t add anything to these stories. I wish I could say something funny and clever, but really, how can I compete?! They arrested a coconut! I mean, couldn’t they have just kicked it? Then it wouldn’t be near the polling station! Problem solved!
I truly love this world. I really, really do. And I love that I can find such stories in it. People never cease to amaze me, even if it’s for odd reasons, it still makes me happy that it all exists on this strangely beautiful planet.
I’m off to find a lime.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A stork is in police custody in Egypt. As a suspected spy. This is a real story. A man was fishing when he saw a stork with an electronic device on it. And, an actual quote from the story, “Thinking it was an undercover agent, he captured the stork and took it to a police station…”
An undercover agent. Maybe I’ve been spoiled growing up in these United States, but I would never actually consider a bird being an “undercover agent” in real life. Maybe if I was just making up a story. But to actually, seriously consider that? I…have no words…
Turns out the stork was just a stork. Possibly delivering babies. Also, helping the French study its migration with a wildlife tracker. Because, obviously, that wouldn’t be your first thought.
And yet! When I say I have no words! If I could have even unmore than no words, I would for this!
A coconut is being held on suspicion of ballot-tampering in the Maldives.
I mean, I sometimes make up weird stories. And I WISH I could come up with stuff this creative!
The coconut was arrested because it was near a polling station. It had writing on it, so they thought it was using magic to influence the voters.
After a thorough investigation, the coconut was found innocent. Though, it is still being watched after multiple phone calls were made to a baby-less stork. And a lime.
I honestly can’t add anything to these stories. I wish I could say something funny and clever, but really, how can I compete?! They arrested a coconut! I mean, couldn’t they have just kicked it? Then it wouldn’t be near the polling station! Problem solved!
I truly love this world. I really, really do. And I love that I can find such stories in it. People never cease to amaze me, even if it’s for odd reasons, it still makes me happy that it all exists on this strangely beautiful planet.
I’m off to find a lime.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
it’s a lighthouse
I want to live in a lighthouse. I didn't even know this was possible. I thought it only happened in movies and stuff!
Some guy, let’s call him Dave Waller, since that’s his name, just bought a lighthouse in Boston Harbor for $933,888. Because he wanted a vacation home and, like me, this guy totally thought vacationing in a lighthouse would be the COOLEST THING EVER.
Unlike me, he apparently has $933,888 to spend. On a vacation home. Meaning he already has a home somewhere used for work. Two homes. One is a lighthouse.
In my head, when you can spend that kind of money on a vacation home/lighthouse, I’m pretty sure your regular home is either the Batcave or an amusement park…or the space needle.
This is the most money spent on a lighthouse ever in the United States. I guess the previous record was $381,000.
Also, YOU CAN BUY A LIGHTHOUSE AND LIVE IN IT.
Maybe I have no idea what’s going on in the world, but I had no idea you could do that! I thought lighthouses were owned by the government or aliens or something and were only used for ocean safety. I figured some old sailor (possibly peg-legged) ran the place. That, or some sort of government official (also possibly peg-legged).
I guess he was able to buy it because the U.S. Coast Guard decided they didn’t need it anymore. Dave saw the listing and thought it was “a cool, cool place.”
You are correct, Dave. It is “cool, cool.” You know what else is cool, cool? Buying me a lighthouse. Or a Batcave. But just a lighthouse is fine. You can live in your Batcave. I’ll just make the light a Bat-Signal and turn it on when you’re needed. At sea.
Maybe a U.S. Coast Guard-Signal would be better. Since you’re Dave and not Batman. I don’t know how good you are in a crisis.
I’m off to get a house of stone and light.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Some guy, let’s call him Dave Waller, since that’s his name, just bought a lighthouse in Boston Harbor for $933,888. Because he wanted a vacation home and, like me, this guy totally thought vacationing in a lighthouse would be the COOLEST THING EVER.
Unlike me, he apparently has $933,888 to spend. On a vacation home. Meaning he already has a home somewhere used for work. Two homes. One is a lighthouse.
In my head, when you can spend that kind of money on a vacation home/lighthouse, I’m pretty sure your regular home is either the Batcave or an amusement park…or the space needle.
This is the most money spent on a lighthouse ever in the United States. I guess the previous record was $381,000.
Also, YOU CAN BUY A LIGHTHOUSE AND LIVE IN IT.
Maybe I have no idea what’s going on in the world, but I had no idea you could do that! I thought lighthouses were owned by the government or aliens or something and were only used for ocean safety. I figured some old sailor (possibly peg-legged) ran the place. That, or some sort of government official (also possibly peg-legged).
I guess he was able to buy it because the U.S. Coast Guard decided they didn’t need it anymore. Dave saw the listing and thought it was “a cool, cool place.”
You are correct, Dave. It is “cool, cool.” You know what else is cool, cool? Buying me a lighthouse. Or a Batcave. But just a lighthouse is fine. You can live in your Batcave. I’ll just make the light a Bat-Signal and turn it on when you’re needed. At sea.
Maybe a U.S. Coast Guard-Signal would be better. Since you’re Dave and not Batman. I don’t know how good you are in a crisis.
I’m off to get a house of stone and light.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, September 9, 2013
moon dust
Remember when we were talking about moon water? Feels like it was just last week, huh? (It was.) Well guess what! There’s even MORE MOON stuff going on! It's getting dusty in here!
We just sent a new probe to the moon! Because we can’t figure out why it’s reflecting sunlight. Like, when we have cool effects at sunrise and sunset. The moon shouldn’t be able to do that. It’s lacking the atmosphere. But it could be because the moon is so dusty.
It’s like a lamp turning on even though it’s not plugged in. Shouldn’t be doing it, but it is!
Happens to me all the time. And I keep sending probes onto the lamp’s surface to find out what’s happening. I have no definitive answer so far, but I have 87 theories. Most of them involve elves. Three of them involve dust.
There is this kinda-sorta atmosphere around the moon. It’s barely there. But it does contain potassium and sodium! Two of my favorite elements! Potassium, because I love bananas. Sodium, because I hate getting attacked by Horrors at Party Beach. (Somebody might get that.)
What interests me, though, is that they used refurbished ICBMs to send this probe up. Yes. Intercontinental ballistic missiles. Well, not the missiles themselves, but their motors.
STILL! Is it safe to use refurb missiles?! I mean, seriously?! I’ve heard some pretty bad stories from people who buy refurb phones. But phones don’t ballisticate different continents!
It’s like an Interplanetary ballistic motor! Well, the moon isn’t quite a planet. But close enough.
Also, not to scare you, but we DO have an agreement with Russia to allow us to launch refurbished ICBMs. Because...I guess this happens all the time? What else are we refurbishing? And can I get any of it cheap online?
I’m off to dust the moon.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
We just sent a new probe to the moon! Because we can’t figure out why it’s reflecting sunlight. Like, when we have cool effects at sunrise and sunset. The moon shouldn’t be able to do that. It’s lacking the atmosphere. But it could be because the moon is so dusty.
It’s like a lamp turning on even though it’s not plugged in. Shouldn’t be doing it, but it is!
Happens to me all the time. And I keep sending probes onto the lamp’s surface to find out what’s happening. I have no definitive answer so far, but I have 87 theories. Most of them involve elves. Three of them involve dust.
There is this kinda-sorta atmosphere around the moon. It’s barely there. But it does contain potassium and sodium! Two of my favorite elements! Potassium, because I love bananas. Sodium, because I hate getting attacked by Horrors at Party Beach. (Somebody might get that.)
What interests me, though, is that they used refurbished ICBMs to send this probe up. Yes. Intercontinental ballistic missiles. Well, not the missiles themselves, but their motors.
STILL! Is it safe to use refurb missiles?! I mean, seriously?! I’ve heard some pretty bad stories from people who buy refurb phones. But phones don’t ballisticate different continents!
It’s like an Interplanetary ballistic motor! Well, the moon isn’t quite a planet. But close enough.
Also, not to scare you, but we DO have an agreement with Russia to allow us to launch refurbished ICBMs. Because...I guess this happens all the time? What else are we refurbishing? And can I get any of it cheap online?
I’m off to dust the moon.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, September 6, 2013
goldfish in d minor
Fish are musical geniuses! Science has proven it!
Researchers in Japan wanted to see if goldfish could figure out different musical compositions. So, they trained goldfish to tug on a string when Bach was playing.
If Stravinsky was playing, they weren’t supposed to do anything.
Being a Bach fan, I would pretty much do the same thing. Clearly these Goldfish have good taste. Except the one that tugged the string for Stravinsky. That goldfish and I don’t get along. You NEVER tug for Stravinsky.
There were over 100 training sessions to get the goldfish to learn that you tug on Bach. But it worked!
They can now distinguish The Rite of Spring from Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
And when they were listening to Robin Thicke, the fish would start twerking. Which is awesome and weird at the same time.
I had a fish once. Sammie. She was the best fish EVER. And after a few training sessions, she knew when it was feeding time! As soon as I picked up the food container, she would swim to the top. If I didn’t pick up the container, Sammie knew that nothing was happening.
Well, not exactly nothing. She knew it was time for me to talk about comic books for a few hours. I don’t think she liked that because she would keep tugging on the string.
I still don’t know why I had that string in there. Or why it was connected to my patent pending Bach Musical Machine. But, it was fun talking comics in G Major and listening to a Fugue in A Minor.
Then Sammie and I would talk medical advancements from 1734-1786.
Sammie also wrote a lot of classical music. They were mostly existential pieces about a plastic scuba diver. Sometimes they were about bubbles.
I’m off tug on Bach.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Researchers in Japan wanted to see if goldfish could figure out different musical compositions. So, they trained goldfish to tug on a string when Bach was playing.
If Stravinsky was playing, they weren’t supposed to do anything.
Being a Bach fan, I would pretty much do the same thing. Clearly these Goldfish have good taste. Except the one that tugged the string for Stravinsky. That goldfish and I don’t get along. You NEVER tug for Stravinsky.
There were over 100 training sessions to get the goldfish to learn that you tug on Bach. But it worked!
They can now distinguish The Rite of Spring from Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
And when they were listening to Robin Thicke, the fish would start twerking. Which is awesome and weird at the same time.
I had a fish once. Sammie. She was the best fish EVER. And after a few training sessions, she knew when it was feeding time! As soon as I picked up the food container, she would swim to the top. If I didn’t pick up the container, Sammie knew that nothing was happening.
Well, not exactly nothing. She knew it was time for me to talk about comic books for a few hours. I don’t think she liked that because she would keep tugging on the string.
I still don’t know why I had that string in there. Or why it was connected to my patent pending Bach Musical Machine. But, it was fun talking comics in G Major and listening to a Fugue in A Minor.
Then Sammie and I would talk medical advancements from 1734-1786.
Sammie also wrote a lot of classical music. They were mostly existential pieces about a plastic scuba diver. Sometimes they were about bubbles.
I’m off tug on Bach.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
cerebral organoids
Everybody loves it when stuff goes "mini." Like, mini versions of ponies and piggies and Kit Kats and M&M's and pancakes.
How about a mini brain? Science has one for you!
How cool is this? They grew a brain! It's technically a cerebral organoid. And no, I'm not making this up even though I watched Doctor Who all weekend and it SOUNDS like I'm talking about the Ood.
These are mini brains that you can bring around with you anywhere you want! They're only 4 millimeters around. Small enough to fit in your pocket!
You thought you phone was smart? Wait until you use your extra brain!
Scientists want to use these cerebral organoids to find out why problems occur in some heads. They can study brains as they develop without your skull getting in the way.
My skull gets in the way of lots and lots of things. Mostly walls and low-hanging metal bars. Sometimes my skull gets in the way of other people, but they have no problem moving it. Aggressively.
It'll be fun to have a mini brain around. Well, fun until they start to grow mini bodies to do their mini evil deeds and take over mini worlds and fly around in mini rockets shooting mini laser guns.
Of course, everything will be so cute when it's mini, that we won't mind the mini hostile takeover! Especially if they make adorable mini otters. THAT would be a cuteness overload!
My brain might literally explode from cuteness. Then I will need to buy a new cerebral organoid to replace the old one.
I could probably fit, like, 10 of these mini ones in my skull. I'd have tons of brains in there! I would probably be able to see in 10 dimensions! 3D movies will just look flat to me! They'll have to go 11D!
Get your cerebral organoids now! Before they become celebrities after starring in Doctor Who.
I'm off to fill my skull.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
How about a mini brain? Science has one for you!
How cool is this? They grew a brain! It's technically a cerebral organoid. And no, I'm not making this up even though I watched Doctor Who all weekend and it SOUNDS like I'm talking about the Ood.
These are mini brains that you can bring around with you anywhere you want! They're only 4 millimeters around. Small enough to fit in your pocket!
You thought you phone was smart? Wait until you use your extra brain!
Scientists want to use these cerebral organoids to find out why problems occur in some heads. They can study brains as they develop without your skull getting in the way.
My skull gets in the way of lots and lots of things. Mostly walls and low-hanging metal bars. Sometimes my skull gets in the way of other people, but they have no problem moving it. Aggressively.
It'll be fun to have a mini brain around. Well, fun until they start to grow mini bodies to do their mini evil deeds and take over mini worlds and fly around in mini rockets shooting mini laser guns.
Of course, everything will be so cute when it's mini, that we won't mind the mini hostile takeover! Especially if they make adorable mini otters. THAT would be a cuteness overload!
My brain might literally explode from cuteness. Then I will need to buy a new cerebral organoid to replace the old one.
I could probably fit, like, 10 of these mini ones in my skull. I'd have tons of brains in there! I would probably be able to see in 10 dimensions! 3D movies will just look flat to me! They'll have to go 11D!
Get your cerebral organoids now! Before they become celebrities after starring in Doctor Who.
I'm off to fill my skull.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
moon water
Thirsty on the moon? Don’t worry! There’s plenty of water there!
At least, they THINK there is. India has a moon probe orbiting the moon. Obviously. It would be odd if a moon probe was orbiting Home Depot. That's what the Home Depot probe is for.
Luckily, this moon probe found magmatic water! I have no idea what that is, but it SOUNDS like it’s water that comes up with a volcanic eruption!
A water volcano sounds totally awesome. Why don’t they have those at water parks? You could enter from the bottom of the mountain and then it shoots you through the top with water and lava!
That would be the coolest and lava-iest ride ever! The wait time for an active volcano might be long...but worth it.
If there is magmatic water, then moon water is real and we could totally have a water park at Vallis Planck!
This discovery could mean there are a bunch of moon people living underground.
Well, maybe more like moon merpeople. Because they live in the water. Like, Ariel…on the moon.
Though, in space, no one can hear you sing. I guess that works for her, since she gave up her voice, anyway!
And the only way to get it back is if she finds Astronaut Eric! Because he can bring air so she CAN sing!
Then all the moon (and Home Depot) probes would sing “Part Of Your Moon!”
I’m off to get magmatic under the moon-sea.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
At least, they THINK there is. India has a moon probe orbiting the moon. Obviously. It would be odd if a moon probe was orbiting Home Depot. That's what the Home Depot probe is for.
Luckily, this moon probe found magmatic water! I have no idea what that is, but it SOUNDS like it’s water that comes up with a volcanic eruption!
A water volcano sounds totally awesome. Why don’t they have those at water parks? You could enter from the bottom of the mountain and then it shoots you through the top with water and lava!
That would be the coolest and lava-iest ride ever! The wait time for an active volcano might be long...but worth it.
If there is magmatic water, then moon water is real and we could totally have a water park at Vallis Planck!
This discovery could mean there are a bunch of moon people living underground.
Well, maybe more like moon merpeople. Because they live in the water. Like, Ariel…on the moon.
Though, in space, no one can hear you sing. I guess that works for her, since she gave up her voice, anyway!
And the only way to get it back is if she finds Astronaut Eric! Because he can bring air so she CAN sing!
Then all the moon (and Home Depot) probes would sing “Part Of Your Moon!”
I’m off to get magmatic under the moon-sea.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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