Tuesday, February 28, 2012

always make it bigger

If I've said it once, I've said it 3.141592653589793... times! If candy is good, BIGGER candy is better!

It's simple math. If Domingo has a Twix bar and Sunshine has a BIGGER Twix bar, how much more awesomer is Sunshine?

Answer: WAY MORE AWESOMER!

I bring this up because Williams-Sonoma has something amazing. I don't know who Williams-Sonoma is, but he or she must be some kind of Willy-Wonka-style wizard or witch who can make candy bigger.

There is a giant peanut butter cup on their website! It's, like, the size of a big pie! (get it? pie/pi? from earlier?) How cool is that?! It's two layers of chocolate cake with peanut butter in the middle of them. THEN it is covered with a chocolate shell!

Not hard like a turtle shell. Hard enough to hold in cake, but soft enough to eat.

And you can buy it!

The website SAYS that it serves 10. But I'm pretty sure that means 1. Or maybe, on a good day, 3.14 people.

I would love to have a giant DOT. Like, big enough for me to eat into and live inside. That would be cool.

I bet ants feel like that. Not bear ants, but regular ants.

I wish I could be an ant. Not a bear ant, a regular ant.

I'm off to make it bigger.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 24, 2012

bread on the side of the road

That's what I saw. Just an innocent loaf of bread. On the side of the road. It was so sad.

I love bread. I used to eat bread raw. Right out of the bag. I know, you like to cook it first, but I was a crazy kid.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I do cook it. Most of the time. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm craving something naughty, I'll just open a bag of bread and start eating.

I know! I'm wild!

But that's me.

I was tempted to stop and pick up that lonely loaf of bread. I was THIS CLOSE to doing it.

I just adore bread. All kinds, too! Wheat, honey oat, 12-grain, 9-grain, oatmeal, yummy, all of them!

Cook it in the toaster or just eat it out of the bag! It's good stuff!

I don't know who invented bread, but that was a smart person. I bet it was Einstein or Curie or Tesla or something. They were smart and all of them liked fields of wheat.

Next time you pick up a loaf of bread, think of me.

Then think of a banana wearing a cape. Because that's really funny.

I'm off to save some banana bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, February 23, 2012

can plants eat people?

Russian scientists have found plant seeds from 30,000 years ago. That's right ICE AGE FLOWERS!

At first, you might think that's cool. You know, maybe as a gift for a loved one or something. You can't find extinct flowers everywhere. Because...you know...they're extinct.

These were frozen, then thawed, then planted, and the flowers are growing!

But what do we really know about the extinct Silene stenophylla? It grows in Siberia. Usually blooms in the summer. And that's it.

THAT'S IT!

No research has been done on the eating habits of this plant! What if it has a taste for meat? Did you think of that? And this Ice Age version of the plant might be HUGE! It could grow over 25 cm tall! At that size, it could eat a panda or something!

Is that what you want?! Panda-eating flowers?!

I've seen Jurassic Park. I've read a small portion of the book. I know what happens when you mess with frozen life. Theme parks shut down!

Is that what you want?! Disney World to shut down?!

It sounds like you do, Russian florists. If you loved Disney and panda bears, you would stop with this crazy floristian madness.

I have Masters Degree in Floristation and I'm pretty sure Russia doesn't. So I should know.

I'm off to Disney World with a panda.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

stir the peanut butter young padawan

Okay. Some of you may know that I'm all about eating all-natural and organic food and stuff like that. I tell myself that it's healthy for me or something.

ONE thing I could NEVER get over was peanut butter. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER! SOOOOOOO MUCH! It's soooooooo good.

BUT! The natural stuff needs a good stirring. And I HATE that! I could NOT deal with it. Have you ever tried to stir peanut butter? It's like trying to push a mountain across a tar pit with the Hulk AND Superman pushing back at you while badgers and skunks bite your feet.

So I did some research and some guy found the solution. He even has a patent for his idea! SO DON'T GIVE ME CREDIT!

Flip the jar upside down. Then put it in the fridge. And every morning, you flip it over. It works about 86% of the time! It's so simple and SO GENIUS! Now I can buy organic peanut butter!

And you can too!

If you want to. I won't force it. I will force you to eat peanut butter. I will also use the Force to force you to eat it. I know that's kinda Dark Sidey of me. I won't use the Force if you have an allergy, though. That's a little more Jedi-like. If you do have said allergy, may I suggest almond butter. Or cashew butter. Or soy nut butter. Or Nutella.

If you are allergic to ALL of those things...I would suggest not eating any of them.

I would otherwise suggest riding a pony. Because that's fun. And Darth Vader likes them.

I'm off to ride the pony.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, February 16, 2012

abs of steel is not real steel

Some guy in Russia works out a lot. So much, in fact, that he thought his abs were made of REAL STEEL!

SO! He told his friend to stab him. With a knife. Because, you know, they're steel abs.

That guy is now in the hospital. With a stab wound to the abs.

Don't do that. Your abs will not become steel unless you actually see steel being put into your ab area.

I do not have abs of steel, but I DO have an almost ab of numbness.

For unknown medical reasons, I have numbness happening all over my body. So far I can function pretty normally. Well, not mentally, but I can walk and type, so that's good.

If, for some reason, I DO come across somebody who truly believes I am made of steel and they stab me, I WILL get a stab wound.

But! If they stab me in my numb spot, I won't feel it!

There's a good chance I'll die, but either way, I won't feel it.

Still, please don't stab me. Wait...don't stab anybody. Except actual robots made of steel. STEEL YOU CAN SEE! And ONLY if these robots are attacking you! Robots are generally friendly unless provoked by CONSTANT STABBINGS!

Again. No stabbies. It's illegal.

Thank you.

I'm off to work on my ab.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

the name was so easy...but no...

Mittens Romney! I know I talk about him all the time. Know why? HIS NAME IS MITTENS! That's why!

I STILL have no idea what he stands for politically. But you already know what I WANT him to stand for. KITTENS!

And I think that is why there is a "Dogs Against Romney" group. Yes, there really is a "Dogs Against Romney" group.

What amazes me is that they had the PERFECT name for this group and they didn't use it! It's like somebody just handed them the master sword and they pushed it away for the wooden one!

"Mutts Against Mitt!"

It's so simple! How could they have missed this?!

I guess dogs don't like catchy names. Or Mittens. Or kittens.

OH! Today is Ferris Wheel Day!

I don't know if dogs like ferris wheels. But if they don't, they SHOULD call themselves "Fidos Against Ferris Wheels." But they'll probably call themselves "Dogs Against Large Circular Things At Amusement Parks."

Because, you know, they don't like to make it easy.

I'm off to start a group against badly named groups.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, February 13, 2012

gulf of whatever i want

Mississippi Representative Steve Holland is hilarious! I've never heard of him before. Mostly because I didn't even know Mississippi really existed. But it does! And this guy made a law-bill-thing saying he wants to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America!

He was trying to make point. Something about immigration and how extreme some people are about it. I didn't actually read the whole article. I got too excited about changing names!

THIS is just another reason why I want to be world president! I can change the names of EVERYTHING!

Sure, "Gulf of Mexico" isn't a bad name for a gulf. BUT! Imagine this: The Gulf Of AWESOMENESS!

Not bad, right?!

Oh, don't worry, Mexico. The gulf will still be named after you because your NEW name will be AWESOMENESS!

Pacific Ocean? BLAH! Now it's called Ninja Water!

United States of America? NOPE! Spectacular States of Fabulousness!

Russia? Forget it! Sparklussia!

So, vote for me for president of the universe. And beyond. I swear I will give everything better names.

I will also rule good. From the capitol of Starfire D.C.

I'm off to pass a bill.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, February 9, 2012

buh buh buh buuuuh buuuuuuh!

If you didn't know, THAT is from Star Wars! NOW IN 3D! That's right! It starts today! Well...tonight...well...officially TOMORROW at exactly 12:01am.

IN 3D!

I know people don't care about Episode One. It's not the greatest, but I'm pretty sure it's better than any other movie coming out this weekend.

Yes. Even better than "The Vow." I know that has Channing Tatum, but he's not in 3D, so it's not worth it.

I'm so excited to see light sabers in 3D! That will be EPIC!

I saw somebody throwing out a light saber the other day! It was sitting on the top of their trash can! Who does that?!

That is super dangerous. What if a raccoon, untrained in the Jedi arts, goes through that trash? Can you imagine what kind of destruction that will cause?!?!

I guess light sabers aren't recyclable. That's a shame. You would think they could have figured that out.

Granted, I can't even get rid of my recycling. My town needs money and many documents that I cannot supply to. You would THINK they'd WANT me to save the earth. Like a recycling Jedi Knight. I guess not...

But if anybody knows where I can get rid of my recycling, no questions asked, please contact me discreetly.

I'm off to show a raccoon the force.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

that isn't very relaxing

I'm the kind of guy who loves to relax. If I could afford a day at the spa, you KNOW I would be there ready to be sootherated.

Since I cannot afford anything that fancy, I do listen to relaxing sounds online.

It's nice! They'll have birds chirping. Water babbling. Sometimes they have, like, wind chimes and stuff. Maybe a pan flute. I don't know if Zamfir is involved, but I secretly hope he is.

I was relaxing to some birds the other day and a lawnmower goes by! Two times!

How is that calming?!

Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have Zamfir drop that flute and chop it up with a lawnmower, but not while I'm sipping tea and eating crumpets!

I don't even know what a crumpet is! But I secretly hope that it is a cookie shaped like a trumpet.

Maybe my next relaxing night will go better. But I wouldn't be surprised if I'm listening to the sounds of the forest and a chainsaw goes by.

Because that's relaxing. Like an arrow to the knee.

I'm off to play my crumpet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, February 6, 2012

meat doesn't go there

I don't know what's going on in Detroit, but bacon is not an adhesive bandage. I mean, I'm pretty sure it isn't. I guess I could be wrong.

It turns out doctors have, in fact, used bacon to stop massive nose bleeding. YUP! You have to stick bacon up your nose!

Now, kids...don't stick stuff up your nose. Not bacon or marbles or anything deep fried, without your parents permission.

Parents, if you permit your kids to stick bacon and marbles and anything deep fried up their nose...I'm not sure if you're the greatest or the worst parents ever.

So if you're looking for some sort of bleeding-stopper at the store and you find "nose bacon" on the shelf, you may want to try it.

If you find some "ear sausages" on the shelf, you...wait...where are you?!

What are these stores you go to?!

That's just weird stuff. If you EVER need me to buy stuff for you, I'm not going to your freaky pig-body part stores.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

I don't want to know where a pork rind might go. I don't even know what a "rind" is. And I don't WANT to know.

I'm off to stop the bleeding.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 3, 2012

insider and outsider trading

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, February 2, 2012

i like it when it glitters

Republican candidate Mittens Romney has been going around talking about stuff lately. Sadly, he is not talking about kittens. I truly think that should be his political stance. He should just talk about kittens at every rally!

"Hello, my name is Mittens. I like Kittens. Thank you."

"WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that's the crowd reaction)

Well! Somebody went one step further to make his campaign even better! GLITTER!

Mittens was glitter bombed! How wonderful is that!

I like it when bombs glitter. Not like those blow uppy ones that hurt. Glitter bombs are much nicer. AND they go great with kittens and Mittens!

I think we could win every war EVER if we just glitter bomb people! Imagine the love!

Other country: "We are going to war you!"

Our country "Ok!"

POOOOOOM! GLITTER BOMB!

Other country: "We love you! And glitter! And kittens!"

Our country: "YAY!"

World problems? Solved.

I'm off to glitter my kitten and glitten my kitter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj