Thursday, August 29, 2013

my dishwashing oven

Using the dishwasher to cook food is a thing. A real thing that people actually do. Look it up. I wish I could say it’s one of the random ideas I had that nobody should take seriously! But it’s not! It’s a real idea that people take for seriously reals!

They will actually use the dishwasher to cook food!

There are many recipes online for this! The most popular one seems to be salmon. Which, according to smart people, it basically poaches the salmon.

If you don’t know what poaching is, it’s what happens when you use hot water, steam, and dish detergent to cook food. People used to do it in 1887. Then they realized that it was gross and stopped in 1888.

There ARE other things you can cook in the dishwasher. Like lasagna! Just wrap it in tin foil and you have an authentic Italian dinner!

I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t this a waste of energy? YES! It is! UNLESS you fill the dishwasher with dishes first. Which you can do, as long as your food is in airtight containers.

That is how you cook in a dishwasher.

I would like to bake a cake and some cookies in the dishwasher. Because I want them to come out creamy and soft. Like the salmon. But tasting less like salmon and more like cookie-cake.

I don’t actually have a dishwasher. I just have a small oven. I DO have a sink AND a bottle of dish soap. So, I’m going to cook salmon in the sink tonight.

You should come over and try it. I’m sure it will be poach-a-licous.

After that, I’ll throw some cookie dough in the sink for a while for dessert.

My sink-dinner will blow you away! And by “blow you away,” I mean “make you sick and send you to the hospital.”

Practically the same thing.

I’m off to poach a dishwasher.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

punctuation names

I noticed that some celebrities use punctuations instead of letters in their names. It’s not really anything new, but for some reason I’m interested in participating in this procedure.

I’m not sure what NEEDS to be done to make this legal, but I AM willing to partake in any and all challenges.

The big two names that come to mind are Ke$ha and P!nk. I don’t know if Slash from Guns N’ Roses counts. He could just sign his name with a / if he wanted to.

OH! It would be cool if Slash (or /) was some sort of super hero and he arch enemy-nemesis was backslash! It would be / vs. \! That’s lots of slashing! And backslashing!

Now, my name doesn’t really lend itself to a good punctuation. I mean, sure, I’ll add a (an?) ! or a (an?) = to my name sometimes. But I don't actually replace any letters.

So I am officially (unofficially) changing my name to Hidalgo!

Or, as it will be written from now on, #!d@\&0.

Please call me that from now on. And pronounce it just like it looks with the punctuations, please.

Wait…what if I’m getting this all wrong? What if P!nk isn’t actually “Pink.” Maybe it’s just a really loud “P” followed by “nk.” P! nk. Or maybe P is for Phosphorus? Like Phosphorus! nk.

And maybe Ke$ha isn’t really “Kesha.” She really wants to represent a dollar amount. Like Ke, followed by a “ha” amount of dollars.

I’m not really an economist like she is, so I don’t know how much “ha” is, but I’m sure she thought it out. She must be a really good investment banker or something. When she’s not singing, I mean.

If that’s the case, my #!d@\&0 doesn’t make any sense.

Nah...it totally makes sense.

I’m off to / a ^.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj (#!d@\&0)

Monday, August 26, 2013

today is a good day to collect unemployment

WARNING! This post has a lot of bad jokes involving Star Trek and the warrior race of Klingons. You have been warned!

Apparently warrioring (or is it warriorring?) isn’t too lucrative these days. At least, not in Illinois. Because Klingons are having a tough time finding work there.

It’s a little known (totally untrue) fact that Klingons love Chicago. And Chicago's lovely suburbs.

Actually, I’ve never been to Chicago or any of its suburbs, so I can’t really comment on their loveliness, but I’m sure they’re great. I don’t want to lead you astray with hearsay and rumors. I only work with truths and facts. (When it suits my needs.)

This part IS true. The Illinois Department of Unemployment offers information in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Klingon! So, obviously, there must be enough Klingon (or Klingon-speaking) families there to warrant that translation!

Though, you might not find any Klingons actually applying for unemployment. They are a very proud race and don’t like to ask for help. Like, ever.

Though, I hear there is a lot of good theatre in Chicago, so maybe it’s not the lack of a need for warriors, but rather a lack of needed actors. Because, as Gorkon said, “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.”

Oh, you didn’t know? Shakespeare was a Klingon. Why do you think there’s so much fighting?

Also, can you understand anything in Shakespeare? No. Because it’s written in badly translated Klingon. Don’t they teach you this in Historical Literature Class?

FYI...if you’re a Chicago theatre, there are many Klingons looking for work. Sadly, there isn't a Star Trek show on right now in need of Klingon actors.

If you're looking for warriors in Chicago, there are plenty of Klingons ready for battle. Because Klingons don’t know the meaning of the word “unemployment.”

Seriously. They don’t. The word doesn’t exist to them. They’re warriors. They don’t give up.

I’m off to practice with my bat’leth.

Enjoy Everything. ( or “tlv Hoch” for you Klingons)

-dj

Friday, August 23, 2013

veggies and cereal

I love experimenting with food. Some people think I’m picky. I’m not really. I test a lot of stuff out, then find one thing I REALLY like, then only eat that forever.

That’s not weird or anything.

I love to keep food simple! I don’t like spending a lot of time on it. I’ll often microwave frozen veggies, put some spices on them (I have a big collection of spices), and enjoy a flavorful feast!

My latest experiment involved cereal! I have no idea HOW I thought of this, but I did.

Actually, here’s what probably happened. I got excited about a new food and couldn’t wait to try it. I made the decision to eat it after something else was already made. Thus, veggies and cereal was born!

I bought a box of Mallow Oats. I know, you have NO idea what that is. I shop in the “Natural and Organic” section of the supermarket. There’s a company called “Mom’s Best.” Mallow Oats are basically Lucky Charms. But made using wind energy or something.

I was very excited to try my sugared-by-nature cereal, but already put some veggies in the microwave. Then, the wind energy powered light bulb went off over my head!

Put the cereal in the veggies! I mean, adding sweetness to veggies can’t be a bad idea, right?

Turns out, I WAS right! It’s really good! I know you think it’s gross, but it’s really not! Trust me! I tried it more than once just to be sure. I have confirmed its super-tastiness.

I also tried it with Mom’s Best version of Frosted Mini-Wheats. It wasn’t bad, but not as fun. That is all I have done at this point, but I have a feeling that some sort of Cinnamon cereal or Frosted Flakey cereal would also taste good.

OH! Maybe even some sort of Coco cereal!

Know why? The sugar! Natural or unnatural! You should try it! DO IT!

If you DO try it, let me know what’s good!

I’m off to cereal my veggies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

rabbits at night

Science has done it once again! We now have rabbits that glow!

By injecting luminescent proteins from a jellyfish into a rabbit, these bunnies can glow green!

Sadly, the name Bluebell isn’t too great when they glow green, but it’s still a funny joke. Well, it’s a kinda funny joke to anybody who gets it. Which might be one other person...maybe? No?

Ahem...Scientists are hoping that these glowing bunnies will help them find cures for diseases like hemophilia, Alzheimer’s, and HIV.

I have NO idea how, but I guess when you have a glowing bunny, they are pretty good at doing research. And not just research during the day, but at night, too! Because they can still see their work by glowlight!

It’s like breeding super-science bunnies! I don’t know why they don't do this to humans!

They’ve apparently done it to pigs, sheep, monkeys, puppies, and kittens. Oh, and bunnies, duh. Why not just glow some humans?

You know what would be cool? Kittens that glitter-in-the-dark. Like, you turn out the lights and they sparkle. Then, every night you could have a disco party! Or, anything smaller than the cat could have a little disco party. (Glitter Kitten would be a great name for a band.)

Wait...vampires glitter-in-the-light, don’t they? At least that one from that movie did. I don’t know how true that was. I think it was based on a true story, but sometimes those movies aren’t 100% true.

Or so I’m told.

But during the day is lame! Who can disco in the day? Disco happens at night. THE END.

Maybe in 14 billion years when the sun blacks out on us, everybody will glitter and every day can be a disco day/night!

That’s the future I see. And I’m pretty good at predicting stuff. I mean, I did predict the alien invasion last year. You might not remember that because you were hit with a forgetting ray. But it happened. And I predicted it. Totally true. Well…based on a true story.

I’m off to glitter. In the dark.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 19, 2013

50 other areas

Area 51 exists! The CIA has finally acknowledged its existence! Because, I guess until recently they weren’t sure it existed?

I don’t really know what that means. Everybody else knew it existed. Really. They did. It was on Google Maps. I could literally already get there in 40 hours using toll roads.

I could even walk or use a bicycle! Google Maps already told me how!

Still, the CIA wasn’t convinced. Another thing that could have helped them find it would have been a tour. Because you can actually get bus tours to Area 51 already! Members of MY OWN family went there once. They have pictures! I will show the CIA the scrapbook if it helps!

Yes! There’s a scrapbook! Can’t get more existy than that!

These new documents DO say that Area 51 is kind of boring. No aliens or anything. They tested spy planes and stuff. Something about U2 and oxcarts.

I don’t know if U2 was performing shows on oxcarts in the desert, but if they were, Bono’s secret is out.

Apparently nobody wanted to work there, either. President Eisenhower had to trick people into working in the middle of the desert. He called it “Paradise Ranch.”

Seriously. He did. Now, if you were going to a place called Paradise Ranch in the Las Vegas area, what kind of place do you think you’d be going to?

Yeah, me too! But I guess it's not a school where they train you to be a rhinestone cowboy. I guess I bought these glitter chaps for nothing.

Oh well. I hear there is a ranch of bunnies in Las Vegas. Maybe I can go there instead. I like bunnies. Maybe they’re cowboy bunnies. That would be adorable.

I’m off to acknowledge my existence.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, August 16, 2013

big wheels for big people

Um…This. Is. Awesome. A company called High Roller USA has created a Big Wheel for adults!

You remember your Big Wheels, right? That trike that was mostly plastic and TOTALLY AWESOME!

Now I don’t have to keep stealing Big Wheels from the kid down the street. Luckily, they keep buying new ones because they break really fast when I ride them. Possibly because I’m an adult. Most likely because I ride it like a beast.

The High Roller is pretty expensive. It’s $600. A kid’s Big Wheel is about $60.

But again, IT’S TOTALLY AWESOME. If I had the money, I would have bought mine already. Actually, I would be writing this right now ON the High Roller.

If you have the money, buy me one last week so I CAN be writing this on one.

In my head, the High Roller also allows me to travel through time. And has lasers on the handlebars. Just in case evil mutant mosquitoes start crawling out of the sewers.

Maybe you’re not worried about that, but you’ve never been to my neighborhood. Which may or may not actually exist in reality.

You know what else I would like an adult-sized version of? My happy-face car. After doing some research, it looks like it was a “Little Tikes Cozy Coupe.” It was, in fact, a coupe that was cozy. And I would like to be cozy again. So please make that bigger.

OH! And those carriages at the supermarket! The huge ones with the car front for kids to sit it! Why don’t they make those for adults?! I would totally shop in one of those!

I guess I’ll just have to sit in a regular carriage. At least I still fit in those.

I’m off to get cozy in a coupe.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

remember the whistle

If you bumped into a friend after 20 years, would you remember them?

I guess it depends on the friend. And maybe the age. If I had a friend that I haven’t seen since I was 8, I probably would not recognize them 20 years later.

But a dolphin can! Dolphins are crazy good at remembering stuff! Like their friends!

Some dolphinologist wanted to see if dolphins could remember each other after 20 years apart. He found some dolphins that were together early in their life, then separated and moved around for 20 years. He recorded one of the dolphin’s whistles and then played it to another one.

Guess what?! The dolphins would remember their friend’s whistles!

How crazy is that?! Next time I see somebody I know, I think I will whistle. Just to see if they recognize me.

Me: *whistle*

Friend from 20 years ago: “Um…are you ok?”

Me: *whistle*

Friend: “Do you need something?”

Me: *WHISTLE*

Friend: “Kids, run out to the car and call the police! I’ll hit this weirdo with French bread until they get here!”

The funny thing is that every time I bump into an old friend, that’s what happens. Whether I whistle or not. ("Whether I whistle" is fun to say.)

Okay, that’s not true; I don’t have any old friends. That’s just what happens when I talk to people in the supermarket. And, oddly enough, at the library.

I’m off to check out a book and a loaf of French bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 12, 2013

reverse the polarity

Did you know that the sun is going to flip? Well, at least its magnetic field is going to flip. I’m not kidding! Look it up! This actually happens all the time! 

Scientists don’t really know WHY this keeps happening. Just that it does. Every 11 years. 

I know that’s a problem for you sun hikers. You really have to pay attention to which end north is on. Because you might just walk south when you think you’re going north. Even though north is the new south. Because, as we both know, south is so last hendecade. 

As to why you are hiking on the sun, that I cannot answer. Nor can you, because you already don’t exist because you are HIKING ON THE SUN.

So it's time to reverse the polarity! Don't worry, this is a good thing (because The Doctor does it) because this new north-south/south-north combo will cause the heliosphere to crinkle! The crinkle makes for a BETTER heliosphere! 

The crinkle will keep more cosmic rays from hitting us! This is good because cosmic rays hurt space probes. 

Unfortunately, it’s also kinda bad because cosmic rays created the Fantastic Four. If the FF aren’t around, Galactus might eat the planet. 

Hopefully Galactus doesn’t like crinkle cut heliospheres. I say heliospheres because I’m sure he LOVES crinkled potato chips.  

Crinkle fries are good, too. How come potato-based objects taste so much better crinkled? 

Oh! And smiley fries! The ones that look like a face! That’s a great idea. And dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. 

I bet that’s what Earth looks like to Galactus. A feast of smile fries and dino nuggets. 

If you don’t know who Galactus is, half of this hilarious blog is not funny to you. Just pretend you know who he is and laugh right now. A lot.

I’m off to reverse the polarity.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 8, 2013

a study in pink planets

There is a pink planet! YES! The planet is totally pink!

Finally! A world that will match all of my outfits!

Not only is it pink, it's GLOWING PINK! Because it's still hot from its formation. So, yes, it is literally a hot pink planet.

I can't describe how excited this makes me. But I will try. Think of the most exciting thing ever. Then add frosting and sprinkles. Then another layer of frosting. Then cookies. A third layer of frosting and more sprinkles. THAT is how excited I am. (Maybe some gummy worms on top, too!)

It's actually a pretty incredible find. The planet is about as big a Jupiter, four times as massive, and about nine times farther away from its central star (like our sun) than our Jupiter is from ours!

This is literally blowing the minds of pink planet researchers (also known as "NASA") because it seems impossible!

And yet, having a hot pink planet with candy clouds also seemed impossible. Until now!

I'm going to climb into my glitter-ship and fly over to Pinkopia. (That's what I named it.) I have a glitter-ship because I also fight evil space creatures all the time. It's a thing I do.

I'll probably live in Pinkopolis because the sugar-pink beaches are nice there. And when it snows pink in the winter, the mountains look beautiful.

I will also have a pet pegasus, also pink, because cars are lame...when you own a pegasus.

And if any evil monsters try to attack my planet, I will call upon the power of Pinkskull and save the day.

Because, you know, it's a thing I do.

I'm off to glow pink.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

watch me twirl

I saw a commercial the other day for shoes that informed me if I was a girl that liked to twirl, there are shoes made just for me!

Turns out, I am! Because I want these shoes! They are Bella Ballerina shoes from Sketchers. There is a disk on the bottom of the shoe that will allow you to spin around when you put pressure on that spot. So I can spin. Like a ballerina.

As an adult male, it’s almost impossible to find a pair in my size. I might just have to learn ballerinaness so I can twirl without cheating. But that sounds like a lot of effort.

I must say, I love shoes with gimmicks. The Heelys that were popular a few years ago were great. I really wanted a pair.

All the shoes with blinking lights are awesome. Like, beyond awesome. I don’t know how people in ancient times lived without shoes with lights. It seems like the first thing I would invent. Because I would want to look awesome. In a toga.

Ok, you got me, I look awesome in a toga no matter what. But, I would want to look even awesomer. And sandals with lights would have made me the coolest thing to hit Rome since Romulus and Remus.

While doing extensive research online for these twirly shoes, I found a video on YouTube of “Bella Ballerina” that is totally amazing. It has some girl in a rad-tacular purple outfit doing ballet with giant teddy bears! I have no idea what they’re saying. It’s in Swedish or something. As much as I want to believe eating Swedish Fish will help me understand the language, it has yet to work.

I will keep trying. By eating Swedish Fish. Because I want to speak Swedenese. And because Swedish Fish they taste like sunshine and happiness.

Ballet is a fun word. I usually don’t like silent letters because I feel sorry for them (due to lack of use). But silent T’s are interesting. It’s such a hard letter that it seems so defiant to NOT use it!

Filet. Ballet. Duvet. Buffet (the food extravaganza, not the singer). Caillait (the singer, not the food extravaganza).

If I were decorating my bedroom during my years as a ballerina, I would have a ballet duvet. But I think I’m straying off topic. A lot. Maybe I’m just dizzy from all my spinning.

I’m off to twirl.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, August 2, 2013

tell earth we're busy tonight

I was doing research on very important things when I came across an article about aliens. 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I was looking up stories about aliens when I came across an article about aliens. But I DO that so I can share important news with you! 

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do that because I like to read about aliens. 

Anyway! Back to the story! I came across a theory as to why we haven’t met any aliens yet because it's unlikely that humans are the only creatures in the entire universe. 

Now, it could be pretty tough for any of those other beings to actually travel to Earth. But, if they did, they probably have the ability to NOT be seen. 

So, what if they did come here, observed, and kinda said, “Meh…let’s go to another planet.”

I know! I read that theory and was ALSO offended! How could these aliens NOT want to hang out with us?! 

If there are any aliens flying by Earth and reading this, let me show you that we’re worth a visit! 

I will show you a good time! Here’s our day. We’ll go to Panera and get some food. Then get some frozen yoghurt (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose). Then we’ll go to the comic book store and buy lots and lots of comics. Read lots and lots of comics. Then we’ll find a fair and get some cotton candy and ride the carousel! 

Then, for day 2, we’ll have a Doctor Who marathon and eat tons of candy! 

Day 3 will consist of tea and crumpets. I don't know what a crumpet is, but we'll buy some and eat them and then run through the sprinkler. 

If that doesn’t entice you, well I’m pretty much out of ideas. I mean, that would probably be the best three days ever. I don’t know anybody who would disagree. 

Granted, I don’t know a lot of people. But if I DID, they WOULD agree. 

I’m off to crumpet. 

Enjoy Everything. 

-dj