Friday, May 30, 2014

baby dragons in caves

Out of the 508 things that can be said about me, one is that I love adorable amphibians. If you never saw that axolotl I wrote about months ago, find one. Then look at how cute it is. Then love it forever.

(The other 507 things involve unicorns, candy, comic books, sparkles, rainbows, and many different versions of dance.)

Well! I just found out there is something almost as cute as that! Baby dragons!

Ok, so "baby dragon" isn't really this creatures OFFICIAL name. They are actually olms. Or, in their native Slovenia, moceril. That means "the one that burrows into wetness."

That is, quite possibly, the most disgusting term ever.

I will call it a baby dragon. Because that's what they look like! Baby dragons with no eyes!

Oh, yeah, they live completely underwater in caves. Their eyes never really develop. They don't need them.

If I lived in a magical world filled with awesome things, I would have a castle. Protecting my castle would be an axolotl that rode on an olm. Not that my castle would ever need protection because my world is sweet and people don't fight. We just have fun. And cute protectors.

I would also be a baby dragon farmer with panda helpers. Because there would be NOTHING MORE ADORABLE THAN THAT.

I also think that dragons should be involved in intramural sports. Because they should get the exercise and team building skills needed for adult life.

And an axolotl riding a dragon that is playing soccer (or football) sounds like the coolest sport ever! It would be like polo, but with more amphibian action. And dragons. I'll call it Dragolo.

I'm off to train my dragon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, May 22, 2014

big hole in one

A man named Mark King apparently decided that golf needed to be updated. And he updated it with bigger holes.

That’s right! Bigger holes! It’s called Big-Hole Golf! Instead of the tiny 4.25-inch hole, he made it a whopping 15 inches!

Apparently, there has been a huge decline in people playing golf. Probably because it takes too long and the hole is SO TINY. They figure that people waste about a third of their game on the green. Big holes make that part go much faster.

They also think it will attract more kids. Like when you lower the rim of a basketball hoop. Or start baseball by hitting the ball off a tee. (Or is that just Big-Ball Golf?)

I think this is a great idea. I used to play golf. It’s a pain. And it takes FOREVER. How am I supposed to binge-watch Adventure Time if I have to stand over a tiny hole all day?

Exactly! I can’t!

That’s part of the reason I don’t play golf anymore. The other part is that I STINK. Seriously. I do.

I was actually on the golf team in high school. When I say that, I don’t mean I got to play competitively. I didn’t. The coach knew better than to let me compete against another school. I just hit balls at the driving range. (Trust me, that was a smart move on his part.)

He also didn’t like me because I would show up late on Tuesdays. Because I played cello and we had orchestra practice on Tuesday after school.  I came in one day and he said, “Where were you? Playing piccolo?”

I just laughed and laughed! I mean, seriously! HA! He confused a woodwind instrument with a string instrument? HAHA! Comedy gold!

He clearly didn’t get the joke. Another reason why he didn't like me.

I’m off to putt in the key of C.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, May 19, 2014

drink and drone

Casa Madrona is a fancy hotel in California.

Fancy can't even describe the place. It's beyond gorgeous. And SO EXPENSIVE.

The Alexandrite Suite costs $10,000. FOR ONE NIGHT. Would you like to spend two nights there? Because if you can afford that, I would like you to bring me!

They decided that they needed a gimmick to get people to stay there, (I have a gimmick idea, MAKE IT CHEAPER.) so they started a drone delivery service.

If you stay in the Alexandrite Suite, you can have a drone deliver champagne to your room. You don't even have to tip it! Just get your bottles and send it away!

Are you like me and don't care about drone champagne? They understand that. So they will also deliver cookies! Drone cookies! Drookies!

Imagine sitting out on a beautiful deck all day while robots just keep delivering cookies and snacks to you. I would feel like an evil mastermind in a movie!

Me: "Drones! Bring me more cookies!"

Drones: "Yes master." (My evil drones talk.)

Me: "And 3.8 bags of Swedish Fish!"

Drones: "Yes master."

Me: "And this time don't go to Sweden and get fish from the water! I want the red chewy ones! And make sure every chewy fish looks like a fish! I don't want any mooshed-up ones"

It's stressful being an evil mastermind. You have to be so specific with robots. But they're easier to replace than human minions. Those were messy days.

I'm off to plot my world domination...after I raise $10,000. Do they have an evil kickstarter?

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, May 15, 2014

cruise for a living

Did you know there is a cruise ship that people live on? They have apartments and just live their life on this boat!

My dad loves cruises. I could see him living on a ship for the rest of his life. I don’t know if he knows about this boat. But he will now! (If he reads this. He might not.)

This boat has 165 apartments on it. You buy one and then you live there. It’s called “The World.” It has a deli, restaurants, a grocery store, movie theater, library, and so much more!

Then...IT JUST CRUISES! On the ocean! It stops at ports for a few days if you want to go out somewhere. It stocks up on food and supplies. Then goes out again!

That’s it! Always cruising!

A studio apartment costs about $600,000. Suites are $13,500,000. And there are monthly home-owner fees.

It’s possible that price is the reason my dad doesn’t live there yet. I’m hoping to becoming rich one day so I can buy him a room.

But still! You can live on a boat forever! Every few days you’re in a new place!

I wonder if they need any employees. I mean, I could run a library…ON A BOAT. If somebody doesn’t return their book on time, I don’t have to go far to find them. THEY ARE STUCK ON A BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!

Don’t try stealing a book from MY library. I will track you down even if I have to walk all the way from starboard to port. Then I will throw you in the brig! Unless you pay "The Late Fees of the Seven Seas." (If you say that like a pirate, it sounds cooler.)

OH! They are hiring people! I just looked at their website! They need a Sous Chef. I could totally fake being a Sous Chef. I have no idea what the word “sous” means, but I’m sure I can sous like crazy. I will actually put that I have my doctorate in sous. They could call me Dr. Sous.

I’m off to sous on a boat. And I will sous in a coat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, May 12, 2014

plants will eat your money

Scientists have found a plant in the Philippines that will eat nickel! Yes, if you drop your change on the ground in the Philippines, you better just forget about it because you will not see Jefferson again!

The cool thing about this plant is that it will eat a bunch of nickel and it won’t die. This is very strange for most living organisms. Lots of heavy metals in a biological system are usually really bad.

Except me. I can eat $34.62 in change and won’t get poisoned. But the surgery to remove it costs more than that, so it’s best if you don’t actually try that.

Also, doctors get to keep what they find in your stomach. It’s like finding change in the couch. Whoever finds it, gets to keep it. Doctors just have to clean their change a little more.

(Editor's Note: Eating money is a Very Bad Idea.)

Scientists hope that we can grow these plants in places with bad soil. Then, when the heavy metal is OUT of the soil, they can grow fun plants. Like watermelons!

Apparently there is a lot of heavy metal still in the soil after the 80s. Because there were so many outdoor concerts. Now they just have to get a plant that can eat all that hair.

Yeah…I know…When I was trying to think of a joke about heavy metal and soil, that’s the only one I could come up with. It’s not my best work, but I stand by it.

Also, the following jokes may or may not be worse. One isn’t even a joke. It’s just lazy.

So! If you have some heavy metal in the soil that you need to get rid of, you might want to try some of these flowers! Metallicarnations, Motley Crulips, Guns N’ Roses, and Megadaisies.

I’m off to start my Iron Garden.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, May 8, 2014

vampires know science

A recent study on mice found that putting the blood of younger mice into older mice reversed their aging.

Yes! This might be the plot to a bad horror movie.

It is also real science! These scientists found that the blood of the younger mice gave the older mice stronger muscles and brains. The research is very interesting even though it’s mildly (very) creepy.

Now we know why vampires live so long! I mean, everybody is basically younger than a vampire!

You know what would be a great movie? The Umpire Vampire.

Scene: Late at night after a baseball game. It’s dark and the last person to leave the locker room is one of the players.

Umpire: Hello pitcher.

Player: I’m not the pitcher. I’m the shortstop.

Umpire: Oh, I didn’t mean your position. I meant that we will fill this pitcher…WITH YOUR BLOOD.

Player: NOOOOOOOO!

Sounds of blood being drained.

Umpire: (standing over lifeless body) You’re out…OF BLOOD!

Those are the only two jokes I have relating to baseball and vampires. So that’s pretty much the whole movie.

Also, the umpire stays young. Because science.

My next movie idea is about a unicorn that is also a vampire. It’ll be part of a trilogy. And the last movie will be two movies. Because everybody does a 4-part trilogy now.

I’m off to cast the vampicorn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, May 5, 2014

canada lost some gravity

Turns out the Hudson Bay in Canada misplaced some of its gravity. It’s true! They’re not quite as serious as the rest of the world!

HA! That’s funny. Sort of.

Anyway, this lack of gravity IS real. I guess if you weighed 150 pounds here, you would lose 1/10th of an ounce on the Hudson Bay.

It has something to do with Ice Age glaciers and magma. It created an area with less mass making your gravitational pull there slightly weaker.

The actual studies are pretty cool and have to do with some satellites measuring gravity while cruising around the Earth. Yes! Stuff in space is measuring your weight to the tenth of an ounce! How cool is that?!

That’s like me looking at a fruit fly and telling you what it’s thinking every second!

They think about fruit most of the time. Sometimes they think about their short time on this planet and hope to do something of value with the few days they have to experience a sunrise and love and how they can make the world a better place to live and try to make their children happy.

Then they just think about fruit again.

Now, if you want to weigh a tiny bit less, you could move there. But it’s not super warm. The average temperature is -5 degrees Celsius. That’s, like, 23 degrees Fahrenheit.

You’ll have to wear 50 heavy jackets, but the lack of gravity will make them feel slightly lighter!

And if you’re trying to cut back on your salt intake, the Hudson Bay might be for you! The bay’s water has a lower salinity level.

You know, because without the gravity keeping that salt in the water, it just floats away into space. (That is not a scientifically accurate explanation why.)

Also, as a side note, gravity is lighter in my car. I know that because my radio clock keeps speeding up. Clearly the only explanation is gravitational time dilation. And my many travels to the Hudson Bay.

I’m off to think about fruit.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, May 1, 2014

yummy yummy fruit salad tree

Fruit salad trees are a thing. A thing that is real! Totally Real!

I know you think I’m making this up, but I’m not! If you look it up online, you will find that there are FAKE trees that grow bananas and apples and oranges and everything.

These are NOT those. Some tree scientists in Australia can make a tree have different fruits on it. But they do have to be related.

There’s a citrus tree with oranges and lemons and limes and stuff. A stone fruit tree with peaches and plums and apricots. An apple tree with different apples. And a nashi tree.

I didn’t know what a nashi was until today. It’s like the Asian pear.

They make these trees by grafting branches from multiple fruit trees together. The branches will keep growing different kinds of fruit for their whole life!

You can buy these trees and TOTALLY freak out your neighbors! They’ll never know what happened!

They’ll think you’re some crazy fruit scientist and they’ll worry that you’re growing an army of broccoli (not a fruit, but they're scarier) soldiers in your basement and call the CIA to come over and investigate you and then you’ll invite the CIA in for some citrus smoothies that you made using only one tree and your neighbor will feel silly and sit in the shade of their orange grove and look longingly at your citrus tree and wish they could eat something other than oranges but won’t be able to so they'll just sit there peeling orange after orange crying tears of vitamin c onto their “Orange you glad I made fresh juice” sweater.

Or maybe they’ll just come over and enjoy a tangelo. Either way, you have the better tree.

There are also pomato plants. Where they graft a tomato and a potato plant together. You get tomatoes on top and potatoes underground!

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why aren’t they doing this with humans?”

That’s a good question. And I don’t know. I would love to grow lemons and limes on myself. Hopefully they’re working on that.

I’m off to nashi.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj