Friday, March 29, 2013

dunk your cookies


Do you eat cookies in milk?! COLD MILK?! What are you doing! How could you do that to that poor cookie?!

PUT THE COOKIE DOWN. I'm here to make your cookie experience better.

Well, not me, but Heston Blumenthal. He found that many people said cookies dipped in a hot beverage tasted better and he wanted to figure out why. So, he stuck this MS-Nose tube UP his nose to test it out. Really. That's what he did.

It measures the flavors going to your mouth from the aroma of what you are eating. He tried it with cookies and found out that when you dunk the cookie in a warm beverage, the methylbutanol levels went through the roof!

I guess methylbutanol is what makes cookies taste so cookie-y.

I don't know why, but I always trust a guy with a tube in his nose!

So next time you’re eating cookies, take a moment and heat up your beverage. Milk is good. He's British, so he uses tea. I have never done that, but might be worth a try! Hot chocolate is good too. I like cookies dipped in coffee! THAT is the best!

If you are not doing that, you are only hurting yourself and the cookie will not respect you. Ever.

Cookie Monster might drive by your house and give you nasty looks. (He really won't, he's too nice.)

I'll also dunk muffins and pie in my coffee. Just in case you were curious. Wanna know what happens to my methylbutanol levels when I do that? Look at the size of the universe. Then look bigger. THAT is what happens.

I'm off to dip my cookies and roll down your street with Cookie Monster. Don't make us give you the stink-eye.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

honey laundering


As much as I wish I thought of that term, I did not. But it IS real!

I love honey. I may have said that before, but I would like to say it again. I LOVE HONEY! I use it for pretty much everything in my life. EVERYTHING.

Okay, I have never used honey to do my laundry, but that's not what this article is about. Now that I think about it, though, I feel like adding honey to the washing machine might be a great idea. Kids, try that at home. Let me know what happens. Don't tell your parents who told you to do it. Pretend it was totally your idea. Because you're super smart.

Turns out honey is big business. Big enough to have "counterfeit" honey come into the country! YES! Some unsavory companies have been selling honey that is not actually honey at all! Just corn syrup and sugar!

Now, I would never complain about chugging a jug (a jug chug) of corn syrup and sugar, but not when I want pure, unadulterated honey!

Luckily, astronomy has found a way to save you from funny honey. A laser isotope ratio-meter can analyze your honey to tell you exactly where it came from! Right down to the longitude and latitude of the flower petals!

What? You don't have a laser isotope ratio-meter? Why not?! Don't you search for methane gas on Mars a few times a week?

You should be! It's fun! I do it almost every day! While sipping a jug of honey!

I'm like Neil deGrasse Tyson. If Neil deGrasse Tyson were Winnie the Pooh.

Can we actually make that happen for a children's book series? That would combine my two idols and my love of honey. Thanks.

I'm off to Hayden Planetarium at Pooh Corner.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, March 25, 2013

apostrophusion


An area in England has decided to get rid of the apostrophe from their street signs because it's too confusing. Luckily, the APS was there to make sure that DIDN'T happen!

Oh, the APS is the Apostrophe Protection Society. They exist because...um...I guess they want to make sure the apostrophe doesn't get pushed around by other, bigger punctuations and typographical marks.

IMAGINE the confusion when driving around Devonshire and you're looking for King's Crossing (a crossing officially owned by the king) and you come across Kings Crossing (a place where you would see many kings crossing at the same time)!

It would be chaos! Rampant, unapostrophed, King's/Kings chaos!

You would never know if Lloyds Hill had many Lloyds on it or if it were actually owned by a Lloyd! And I am not kidding when I say that I have ALWAYS wondered that! (I even have the T-Shirt to prove it!)

There was once a battle against the # (hash) that the apostrophe lost. Like, hardcore lost. Have you ever been on Twitter? You should be. It's awesome. But if anything is hash tagged, then the apostrophe is gone. Gone!

But I LOVE all punctuations and typographical marks! I can't go a day without thanking the ampersand or the guillemets!

For now, I can't have the best of both worlds. But don't tell the APS that I love Twitter. They will dash over and backslash me with a dagger. (Look up punctuations and that sentence is totally hilarious!)

I'm off to make more punctual jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, March 22, 2013

do not read this if you hate spiders


After years of research, bat studiers, or chiropterologists (I don't know if that's a real word) found out that bat-eating spiders are everywhere. Except Antarctica.

I honestly have NO idea why this was studied, but it's pretty scary to think about. Luckily, the spiders aren't bigger than the bats. They just catch them in their GIANT webs and eat them after.

Which is also pretty scary to think about, but not as scary as giant spiders.

And for some sadistic reason, the folks at LiveScience decided to add another piece of info to their article about bat-eating spiders. They said it's no big deal that spiders eat bats because there's a cave in Venezuela where giant centipedes kill and eat bats.

I'll give you two guesses where I will NOT be going on vacation. And I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with VENEZUELAN CAVES.

If you do have a family of pet bats, you should go to Antarctica. Bat-eating spiders aren't there. Possibly because bats don't live there.

Did you know that bats can't make Vitamin C? Luckily, vampire bats have an easy solution. They go for the Blood Orange. Full of blood AND Vitamin C! (Yay citrus!)

Unbat vampires might also have this solution, but I don't know any vampires.

I do know that all this week I talked about giant insects and stuff. Which is why I hope someday to form a team of X-Bugs with a magic butterfly, a mutated snail (with conveyor belt teeth) and a giant (friendly) centipede with a Venezuelan accent. Because ladies like that and when they make this idea into a movie, it will sell more tickets and I'll make more money to buy Blood Oranges.

I'm off to Antarctica.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

snails have teeth


Well that's something I didn't know! Did you? Did you also not know that snail teeth could make it easier to get a Prius?

They can! People who don't like running love to study snails. David Kisailus (who may or may not love to run) studies the gumboot chiton snail. Turns out this snail has a "conveyor belt-like arrangement of teeth." Which sounds totally scary, but isn't really.

Unless these snails eat some radioactive goo and grow huge. Then the conveyor belt of teeth will probably eat everything in the world. It would be impossible to fight this 50-foot snail because it will also have a shell. Let's hope they are peaceful snails of doom.

After a lot of big science words like ferrihydrite and nanocrystalline, the conveyor belt of teeth is kinda similar to the way we make lithium-ion batteries! Like for your phone or hybrid vehicle!

AND it does it at room temperature! Which sounds boring at first, but actually saves money on energy and cost! Making it cheaper to give you more phones and hybrid vehicles!

All of this snail/car talk reminds me of a joke I love. My brother told this to me once and I never forgot it. Partly because I did not get the joke at the time. Because I'm not too bright. When I did get the joke years later, I laughed for 3 days, 4 hours, and 28 minutes. Here is the joke that I hope gives you just as much enjoyment, if not more.

A snail goes to a car store. The car salesman shows the snail many cars. The snail says, "I'll take this car, but only if you paint a giant "S" on the side of it."

The car salesman says, "We can do that. May I ask why?"

The snail says, "Because when I drive down the street, I want everybody to shout, 'look at that S Car Go!'"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So funny! Hold on...I need a moment to catch my breath! Whew! Makes me laugh every time!

I'm off to paint an "S" on my car. You can guess why.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, March 18, 2013

the fly of butter


Did you know that last Thursday was Learn About Butterflies Day? I know this because I have a pet butterfly that takes me on trips around the world.

I'm not tiny. The butterfly is actually huge. Like, airplane size. So it's a super comfy trip. Her name is Fufluns. She is magic.

Upon Fufluns' request, I started to think about how cool it is that a caterpillar turns into a butterfly! Have you REALLY sat down to think about this?! It LITERALLY becomes a new insect!

I know I say "literally" a lot. Especially when I mean figuratively but want to be more dramatic. This is NOT one of those times!

The caterpillar is born and has the BEST LIFE EVER because all it does is eat. THEN it forms the chrysalis by shedding its skin. YES. It just pushes its skin OFF.

Then, inside this chrysalis, it becomes goo and decides to completely reform itself into a TOTALLY NEW WINGED CREATURE. Can we take a moment to just wonder how incredible this is?

Can you imagine just shedding your skin into a case around you, turning to goo, and reforming your entire body into something else!

WHAT?! That's so crazy!

And why stop at wings?! I would give myself wings, a tail, a mane AND laser hands!

I don't know if that's biologically possible, but really, I'm caterfly goo, I do what I want.

I just wanted to make sure you knew that this happened in the world. Because, honestly, it's pretty, totally, incredibly radical.

I'm off to flutter by with a butterfly.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, March 15, 2013

agriculture is children


The Department of Agriculture just put out a new study. Detailing the cost of raising a child.

Because your child is agriculture! According to the government. Actually, they're kinda right. I found out on the web of world wideness that agriculture is "the cultivation of animals, plants, fungi...used to sustain human life."

What are babies? FUNGI! No...wait...they are human life!

And what better way to sustain human life than by actual human life!

Raising a kid is EXPENSIVE! I could never afford it. For parents making $50,000 a year, it costs about $10,000! Just for one kid!

If I had that much money to spend on somebody a year, it would NOT be for my kid! It would totally be for me! And maybe my dragon. Named unicorn.

I know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the Department of Agriculture have a bunch of agencies and offices?"

Yes. They do. The one that specifically calculates the cost of a child is the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Leading me again to ask the question, "WHO ORGANIZED OUR GOVERNMENT?!"

Is this a way to trick people? Would you EVER think to look for children in the Department of Agriculture: Subsection: Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion?

NO! Now if they had a Center for Candy and Awesome and Pizza and Cartoons and More Candy and Promotion and Agriculture...and Candy, THAT is where I would look for information about raising children.

In fact, I have decided to create that Department. I am also the President of that Department. You know what? I think I'll become the Presidents of ALL the Departments! Just to help the government make more sense. Because I ALWAYS make sense.

Maybe that will give me an extra $10,000 to buy comic books for me and my dragon.

I'm off to agricult.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

stay out of the water


This is crazy. The Ukrainian Navy trains dolphins to detect mines, plant explosives and (according to reports) attack enemy divers using "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols."

You read that right. These dolphins wear knife-hats and know how to use them.

Unfortunately, the Ukrainians lost their killer dolphins. YEP! LOST THEM. They are now roaming the seven seas detecting mines, planting explosives and looking for enemy divers to attack WITH KNIFE-HATS!

I totally believe this. Have you ever had dinner with some narwhals and have a dolphin show up? It's awkward.

Narwhals can be snooty and dolphins sometimes feel insecure that they don't also have a unicorn horn. I know many dolphins who would jump through hoops for the chance to wear a knife attachment!

Who knows where they could be or what they're doing. They could be plotting a plot that involves world domination!

Or they could just be poking around looking for fish.

But most likely world domination!

Hence the need for a unicorn army to defend the world! And if we can't find unicorns, we will train horses to wear "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols" to protect us. I'm pretty sure that's what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ride on.

Unless they lost them. Which would be bad. Because if the horses and the dolphins have gone rogue, all we have left to rely on is ourselves and we can't be trusted.

Or can we...DUN DUN DUNNNNN! (I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I'm off to specially adapt a head mount.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, March 11, 2013

jelly bean season is here


And the hunt is on! I love jelly beans. Easter is the BEST time for jelly beans.

Also, a bonus is Cadbury Mini Eggs. Which have some sort of magical candy frosting around delicious chocolate. I say "magical" because I've never tasted anything quite like it in my ENTIRE LIFE. That's right. The wholeness of my life encompasses my attempts to find a similar taste and all attempts have FAILED.

But let us get back to jelly beans. Which I may or may not have talked about a million times before. But who cares! It's worth talking about them again! Because they're so good. And so jelly. And so beany.

I found Glitter Jelly Beans at the store! GLITTER! If I could legally change my name to Gary Glitter and NOT have people ask me to Rock and Roll all the time, I totally would.

ALSO! Swedish Fish Jelly Beans! They're, like, the caviar of Swedish Fish!

So far they only come in Red flavor. Yes, that IS the official flavor. According to the website, which you should totally check out, the flavors are Red, Assorted, and Swedish Fish Aqua Life.

I would probably eat more fish if they tasted Red. I love Red flavor so much. There is a possibility that I would become a Swedish fisherman if I could catch Swedish Fish! I would use hooks and nets to catch fish and maybe those lobster trap things to get some jelly beans!

I would totally become a pescatarian! A Swedish Pescatarian!

I hope the Easter Fishy comes by this year and brings me Swedish Fish Jelly Beans. That would be totally Red.

I'm off to get my Swedish fishing license. (Say that 100 times fast!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

don't put your eyes there


Science be crazy! I love science. All kinds of science. Science is totally on my list of "28 Things Of My Favoritest Things Ever."

It might actually be on the list multiple times. I can't remember more than 11 things at a time, so 12-28 are kinda hazy right now.

I should really write things down.

Tufts University is trying to treat blindness. I know! It sounds super innocent when I say that! But then I find out how! They got some tadpoles. Grafted eyes to their torsos and tails. Then removed the original eyes. Then wanted to see who could see!

Turns out, eyeballs on your tails can work! The brain is amazing. It figured out that there was vision stuff coming from a different spot. And now these tadpoles see. From their tails.

Granted, this shows how incredible our brains and bodies are. But I don't think the tadpoles are as excited about it.

Actually, the four-headed worms and six-legged frogs might not be too happy, either.

Ok...the six-legged frogs are totally cool with it. Think of the jumping height they could get! Frogs love jumpings!

What if these tadpoles decide to fight back! One day, giant tadpoles could invade the planet and see what we've been doing to their tiny tadpole cousins. Do you know what they'll do?! Do you know where they're going to graft your eyes?!

Think about that, Tufts! Next time you feel like getting all mad scientisty, remember what happens when giant tadpoles from another dimension come by for a visit! You won't be able to sit down to watch TV anymore!

I'm off to treat tadpoles with love and respect. Just in case.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, March 4, 2013

going on a sea quest dsv


I don't know why the government is so huffy about going on a sea quest. Okay...I can...there were a LOT of issues on that Deep Submergence Vehicle (DSV).

But think of all the amazing creatures we'll find when we finally get the sea quest going!

Like the first images of the Fur Lows! We don't have any official pictures of them yet! At least, I can't find anything about them on Wikipedia. But I imagine that their fur is so low because it's wet all the time. Because of the sea being all watery.

Also, we can colonize all the cool places underwater! I mean, shouldn't we done colonizing the ocean by now? The United Earth Oceans Organization needs to be created by 2017 and that deadline is coming up fast!

We know what movies are coming out in 2017! Shouldn't we already have a DSV!

Okay...I know this is only (sorta) funny to people who were fans of seaQuest DSV in the early 90s. But seriously, I keep thinking about that show when they talk about the government's sequestration.

Actually, if you want me to be totally honest, I think of it as a combination of seaQuest AND Equestrians.

So I imagine a Deep Submergence Vehicle piloted by horses. Plagued by bad ratings because your competition is Murder, She Wrote.

That last part I only started imagining because I was wondering why the show went off the air. But it makes the "monster of the week" they fight more hilariouser when it's Angela Lansbury.

OH! I should pitch that as a show! seQuestration DSV 2032! Each week a group of horses explore the depths of the ocean and fight monsters only to find that the underwater world is controlled by an evil Atlantean queen PLAYED BY Angela Lansbury!

Special guest star: Aquaman!

Sometimes I have no idea I'm going to have a great idea. Then it just happens.

I'm off to Quest the sea.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, March 1, 2013

mutant mosquito mayhem


This is kinda funny to me. It might not be as funny to you. But it really should be.

Let me start with the real story. Mosquitoes mutate in, like, an hour. They did a study with DEET to find out how effective it really is at keeping mosquitoes away.

Some guy put DEET on his arm and stuck it into a box of mosquitoes. They didn't like it.

A few hours later, they did it again to the same mosquitoes. Guess what?! They mutated! Their antennae changed so they didn't care about DEET any more and started eating the guy!

If they can mutate that quickly, they have the (unscientifically proven) ability to mutate into giant monsters that will eat all our blood and chocolate!

We do NOT want that!

You should be scared. But not too scared. The guy who did the study is Dr. James Logan.

Get it? I'll wait...Still no? I'll give you a hint WOLVERINE!

That's right! Wolverine is back! James Logan is Wolverine! Well...the Wolverine of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

Which is still pretty tough. I mean...bad hygiene is almost like a super villain.

So yeah...Wolverine is studying mutant mosquitoes. Sorry...Dr. Wolverine.

Wouldn't it be awful if fruit flies were like mosquitoes? Like, they suck the flesh out of a fruit? You open a banana, and it's empty inside! NO BANANA!

That's probably my worst nightmare ever.

I'm off to pretend I'm Wolverine. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj