pigeon growth hormones

The Belgian Pigeon Racing Federation, or BPRF, is dealing with quite a scandal this year. I’m sure you’ve heard about it. Because, you know, pigeon racing is the world’s 34th most popular sport.

Right behind Parisian crock pot jumping.

Pigeons were tested this year and you’ll never believe what they found! Pain killers and anti-fever drugs!

I think I can understand pain killers. I don’t condone it, but I guess they want their birds to fly through the pain.

But why anti-fever drugs? Do birds get fevers a lot? Does it keep their temperature down so they don’t overheat? DO birds overheat?

My computer overheats a lot. I use a fan. Should I pour anti-fever drugs on it? Maybe I’ll try that later.

Though, I don’t race my computer. I know that the 31st most popular sport in the world IS Finnish computer racing, but my computer just doesn’t have the training. And it’s really old, so it might break a processor. Or a hip.

Here’s your lesson. Don’t race pigeons. They probably don’t want to do it. Also, it’s not even cool enough to be on any version of ESPN, so it’s clearly not an interesting sport.

Try chess or something. Even the Spelling Bee gets coverage! Learn to spell instead! Just don’t give your kids anti-fever drugs before the competition.

Unless they actually have a fever. Then I suppose you can.

Seriously, if your kids are sick, take care of them. It’s called good parenting.

I know I don’t have kids or watch sports, but I’m pretty sure most of my information here is accurate.

I’m off to watch Siberian jelly spreading (the 23rd most popular sport in the world!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space cannons

You know how we have NASA? Japan has a space program, too. But with a cooler name! JAXA! It’s the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency.

Don’t think it’s a cool name? Try this experiment. Jump into a room full of people one day and yell, “NASA!”

Then, the next day, do the same thing, but shout, “JAXA!”

Which one gets the better reaction? That’s right! JAXA! Trust me, I’ve been testing this out for weeks! Besides being banned from 38 businesses, I now know that JAXA is much more fun to scream.

JAXA has created a space cannon. To shoot at asteroids. Much like the 1979 Atari game.

This is technically supposed to shoot an asteroid so they can collect debris to test. But I’m pretty sure it’s really being made just in case a giant asteroid decides to attack Earth. Japan will shoot it for us and save the planet.

Also, in my head, they shoot the asteroid and yell “JAXA!” right after. If Japan doesn’t shout it, I will.

When I was space pirate, I had space cannons on my ship. They were not used for research. They were used to save damsels and…um…guys in distress. What’s the guy version of damsel? What is "damsel?" Hold on…I have to go look this up.

…

Got it! A damsel is a “young, unmarried woman.” It looks like “bachelor” is the best choice for an opposite.

We would save damsels in distress and bachelors in…um…bleakness! Bleakness works!

What was I talking about again? Oh…right…me being a space pirate. Which is totally true. And I would yell “JAXA!” after every successful mission.

I didn’t succeed a lot. That’s why I’m not a space pirate anymore.

I’m off to cannon an asteroid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meet a tree

There’s a commercial for a large toy company that is getting some people upset. It’s a bus full of children on a field trip. They are on a “Meet the Trees Foundation” tour. And, as the name says, they are supposed to meet trees!

Which, to me, sounds awesome! The kids on the bus are not so excited. They are bored. UNTIL the bus driver says that they are going to a toy store!

Finally, the kids are happy. But kids, as the complainers say, should love toys and trees! Just like me! I love trees!

Especially during autumnfall! It may sound a little sentimental, but I was driving around everywhere this weekend and saw tons of amazing colors from the trees.

One section of road had trees that were all a dark red color. Then another area had a bunch of light green/yellow leaves. It was like a lemon-lime tree!

It did not taste like Sprite, though. Trust me. It tasted more like…um…tree, I guess.

OH! You know what else is cool?! When I see leaves just falling! It's totally nonchalant! It’s no big deal to them. It’s like, “I think I’ll just let go of the tree and float down to the ground…whatevs…”

It’s like a metaphor about life. I have no idea what the metaphor is, but it’s really, really deep.

I also love driving down a road that has a lot of leaves on the ground and in my rearview mirror I see them fly up behind me. It makes me feel like I’m going super-fast! Even though I’m on a 25 mph road! (I go 27 mph to make the leaves go crazy! Shh...don't tell the authorities.)

Is it bad that kids would rather play with toys than learn about trees? I don’t know. Maybe they should make Teenage Mutant Ninja Leaves. That might get kids more interested in foliage.

It would also make for an awesome cartoon that I will watch every day.

I’m off to see if the brown leaves taste like chocolate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

butterflies will drink your tears

Because they’re hardcore like that. First they make you cry. Then they laugh. Then they drink your tears. Not so much as a way to mock you, but because they enjoy salty water.

It turns out that butterflies will land on turtles and drink their tears. Because of the sodium. Turtles cry sodium. SODIUM!

Not yell it, silly! (Even though it’s super fun to yell the word sodium.) Like, when you cry watching Bridge to Terabithia! (At least, that's what makes me cry. A lot.)

I just find this funny because when I usually hear somebody in a movie yell about drinking tears, it’s by a fairly evil person making children cry in sadness.

Unless butterflies ARE evil and like to destroy the will of turtles! I know they look all pretty and fluttery, but you should see the way they attack poor defenseless flowers. It’s ruthless.

Literally, there are no Ruths around. At all. It’s crazy.

I wonder if I would attract butterflies to me if I put salt on my skin? Would they start attacking me? Would they laugh as they landed on me to torment me with their proboscis?

I’m very antiboscis, so I don’t think I would appreciate their proboscisity.

Maybe I should just bring a sad turtle to the butterfly conservatory. Then I can have lots of butterflies visit. And I won’t have to pour salt all over myself. Which may or may not be uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard about a spa that does a butterfly facial by putting salt on your face and letting butterflies attack. Oh...I should start that spa! I’d be a great spa owner! I’m all about pampering! I pamper like crazy!

I’m off to salt and spa.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stop doing that

I saw a list from some website called “Uncoached” that gave suggestions of “Stuff Guys Need to Stop Doing!”

I am a guy. And I DIS-A-GREE.

For example! Raising the roof! I don’t know if they decided that it is acceptable for a gal to raise the roof, but it should be encouraged for all genders!

Let's say you’re having a party that is ALMOST so amazing that it might be figuratively and/or literally raising the roof. How do you make the roof-raising happen? By encouraging all the invitees at your party to raise the roof! And how do you do that? By using the internationally recognized sign for raising the roof!

Also, if you decided to build another floor on your home, you will need to raise the roof. If the construction crew comes over and asks what they need to do, you can easily show them. So, please, guys (and gals), feel free to keep raising the roof.

Another thing on the list is pounding the fist. I don’t know if they want us to shake hands, but I’m not a fan of the shaking. It’s always awkward and weird and sometimes hands are sweaty. Fist bumps? Not awkward and there are significantly fewer sweat glands on the knuckles than the palms. It’s a scientific fact. (One that may or may not be true.)

The one thing on the list that I do kinda-sorta agree with is chest bumping. The only reason I’m not a fan of this is due to my lack of chestiness. After years of attempting to create a chest at the gym, I’m still just a big rib cage. When I do get chest bumped, I generally get winded and fall over.

This list did not specify if gals are included in these “stop doings.” I don’t know what gals generally do, anyway, but can’t see why they wouldn’t want to do all of these things. I’m all about equality.

In gender AND math.

I’m off to bench and press.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cuttlefish instagram

Researchers at the University of Buffalo know what’s important! They have been working on making Wi-Fi available…UNDERWATER!

Ever heard of a tweeting fish? You will now!

Sorry, that was a bad joke. But you should know, most of the jokes are bad. Deal with it.

Imagine having Facebook everywhere you go! You could be on your yacht and sail for days and never have to worry about missing a post.

Just think of the selfies you could post on Instagram! “Me in the Atlantic! #oceanfun #selfie #bluewater” Or “Me in the Pacific! #selfie #beautifulday #whatsthatfinbehindme”

Granted, they’re not doing this so you can play with your phone on every inch of the world. They say there are practical reasons, too.

Mostly because Aquaman is bored and the only member of the Justice League NOT on Facebook. Partly because it could actually help with tons of research about our oceans.

Also, for safety reasons! It could help detect a tsunami or other strange underwater disasters.

Like, if you follow a shark on Twitter, you’ll know what beach to avoid. (I warned you about the jokes!)

They did say this could be used for many things like “helping law enforcement track drug traffickers to protecting the ocean’s inhabitants.”

Yep! After many years working with the DEA (not true), I know that traffickers love posting selfies WITH location services ON!

“Smooth sailing and sunny days! #selfie #hash #dealer #cuteoutfit”

He was easy to catch.

I’m off to FishFaceBook.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

and knitting and knitting and knitting

In Norway, you can watch people knit on TV! LIVE!

They plan on showing somebody break the world record of non-stop knitting. Well, attempt to break the record.

The record is 4 hours and 50 minutes. So they have blocked out 5 hours to have somebody do it, without stopping, so they can unravel that record.

Now, if you don't want to go into this wondering what knitting is, they are going to show a 4-hour documentary on every step it takes to get the wool from a sheep to a cozy sweater.

That's a full NINE HOURS OF KNITTING. Because people in Norway are so completely relaxed and chill that this is what they consider "action."

Don't believe me? They are doing this because of the great ratings they got when they showed logs of wood on fire until they just...stopped...burning. Also, they showed UNEDITED salmon fishing. Just sitting there...waiting...waiting...waiting for something salmony to happen.

THIS is what I call reality TV. No editing. No script. Just. Stuff. Happening.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE knitting. Knitters have given me a scarf, fingerless gloves, and a tie. (Yes, I have a tie made of yarn. Because my knitting friends are amazingly awesome and hilarious.)

But I don't know if I could handle watching somebody knit for 5 hours. That might be a little too crazy for me. I mean, I sometimes get too excited just staring at the TV when it's unplugged. I can't imagine how wild things would get if I actually plugged it in AND turned it on!

Whoa...I have to calm down. I'm getting a little light-headed.

I'm off to relax and see what's on the blank screen.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

raining diamonds

New research has found that Jupiter and Saturn might be filled with DIAMONDS! They’re just floating around in there. Waiting to be picked by anyone able to make the trip there.

Now, those are some pretty big planets. Like, HUGE planets. So they think there might be GIANT diamonds there. What they call “diamondbergs.”

I bet the Titanic would have LOVED to crash into one of those! That would have changed the entire movie!

Jack: Never let go.

Rose: I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never…OH! Look! A giant diamond! Let me see if I can get some diamonds, ok Jack? Jack?

There aren’t only diamondbergs, but also liquid diamond! YES! I guess they get close to the planet’s core and melt.

Imagine swimming in a pool filled with liquid diamond! That is what I call luxury!

Me: Would you like to go for a swim in my liquid diamond pool?

You: I would love to. Do you have anything to drink?

Me: Here, have a refreshing glass of liquid diamond.

You: Do you also eat diamonds for food?

Me: I do. I use my diamond teeth to chew it. Why? Do you still have gold teeth and swim in liquid gold?!

You: …maybe…

Me: I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

And that was the conversation I had yesterday. On my Saturn estate. Because I’m rich like that.

I’m off to chug diamonds.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stamping out safety

So Michelle Obama has this “Let’s Move” thing going on to encourage people to exercise and stuff. One way to get the word out was with a new line of stamps.

But! These stamps are now all destroyed! For safety reasons!

No, the stamps weren’t toxic or sharp or anything. The images on the stamps were dangerous. They had “unsafe” images. Like a kid doing a cannonball into a pool. Or somebody doing a handstand without a helmet. One even had a skateboarder NOT wearing knee pads!

I know! That’s just crazy!

So instead of influencing children to do all of these unsafe things, they decided to destroy all the stamps. Because, you know, what kids see on stamps they ALWAYS do.

SERIOUSLY?! This is what they decided to do?!

How many kids even know what a stamp is?! They barely even use email these days! It’s mostly texting and Twitter and Facebook!

And unless your kid is a philatelist, then they probably will never even touch a stamp!

(For you non-stampers, a philatelist is a collector of stamps. I’m pretty sure kids don’t do that anymore. Collecting apps is way more exciting.)

Also, who wears a helmet for a handstand?! When did that start happening? And what’s dangerous about a cannonball? You’re jumping into water! A belly flop is dangerous. THAT hurts. But the cannonball gets you into the water just as safely as any other dive.

The knee pads…well…I can understand that one. Knees and cement are a painful combination. I have plenty of knee scars to prove it.

But again, WHAT CHILD WILL EVER USE A STAMP. And if they accidentally mailed a letter, what child would look at that stamp and say, “WHOA! Stamp-kid isn’t wearing knee pads. I don’t think I’ll ever wear them again! You are totally way more influential than all those TV shows I watch, stamp!”

NO! That will never happen! Because it’s just plain silly!

I’m off to do a handstand without a helmet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the perfect apple

Cornell University is famous for a lot of things. My brother went there. I don’t think they were famous until he went there. I’m pretty sure his thesis was a best-seller.

Well, it would have been if anybody could understand it. That’s what happens when you become Doctor Physics. Nobody knows what you’re saying. Something about something and rays or something. It’s all gibberish.

Cornell is ALSO famous for apples! They love making new apples in hopes of creating the “perfect apple.” Since I thrive on factual research for all my blogs, I decided to call my brother about his Cornelliness and maybe find a joke about his PhD or apples or something.

I asked him about his thesis. It was mostly a bunch of science words I couldn’t understand. Not much comedy to work with. But then he said that he would get apples from the vending machine!

Yes! Cornell has an apple vending machine! All of a sudden, Doctor Physics got interesting! They make all these new apple breeds and then let you buy them from the vending machine!

They don’t even tell you what they are. Just “apple 5837204” or whatever.

It’s like a box of chocolates, which, I hear, is like life, which, I’m now finding out, is like an apple vending machine, which, I admit, I wish I could see at every store.

I love apples. Especially Granny Smith apples. They are so yummy. And a GREAT color. I like most green apples. And pink apples. Green and pink are my favorites.

Cornell should breed a Granny Smith/Pink Lady apple. THAT would be the perfect apple.

Unless they made an apple that tasted like gummy bears and looked like a dinosaur. That one might be a little more perfecter.

I’m off to vend an orchard.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

humans phone home

Are you from Earth? Are you sure you’re from Earth? Are you totally, absolutely sure?

You shouldn’t be! There’s a new theory that says we humans who THINK we evolved here on Earth are totally wrong! I think only one person wrote this theory, but I love it.

Now, there are a lot of ideas about how life on Earth started. But this guy says that we were already fully evolved humans when we were put on Earth. And his reasons are totally awesome.

He says that we are on a 25-hour schedule. And for some reason, Earth is only 24! Where did that extra hour come from? Another planet!

Also, we must have evolved on a planet with less gravity. How else can you account for all the back problems humans have?

And that sun! He says that most everything on Earth loves the sun and doesn’t hurt them. But it’s always burning us and making us go blind and stuff!

Finally, humans get sick. If we evolved with all the bacteria on Earth, it shouldn’t bother us so much. But it does!

He says that we came from another planet. He isn’t sure if it was by choice or if we were put here as punishment. Like an intergalactic Australia.

Well, not now, but when it used to be a British prison.

It makes sense to me. I totally believe it. But, hey, I’m a believer.

I’m also a distant relative to a space renegade. My great, great, great, great (add a lot more greats) grandmother was Katana Midnight, the toughest smuggler in the universe. She once beat up a star. Not like a celebrity. AN ACTUAL STAR. She punched it and it just collapsed on itself and became a black hole.

That’s how my family rolls.

I’m off to find my home planet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

house is closed

I saw this house the other day with a “Closed” sign on it.

Can they do that?! Can I just “Close” my house?! It's not like I'm the government and can shut down, right?!

Or am I? I could just put hours on my door when visitors are allowed!

Granted, I haven’t had a visitor to my home in…well…ever actually.

But it’s nice to think that if I ever NEEDED some privacy, that I could put a sign out there!

If I’m in an entertaining mood, I could just flip the sign around to say “Open” and everybody would come by!

Maybe that’s why nobody comes over. I don’t have a sign saying “Open” when I'm in a “let’s all watch Doctor Who and read comic books together” mood.

Hmmm…yeah, I’m pretty sure I'd still have no visitors.

Even with a “Closed” sign, I’d probably still go up to the house and look in the windows to see if anybody was there. I do that with stores. If there is a store that I REALLY want to go to, I’ll put my face right up to the window to make extra, super sure that nobody is there.

Don’t deny it! You’ve done it too! Like when you find a cupcake store and you’re really in the mood for a cake of cuppen! You’ll hope that even though they closed 3 hours earlier, the owner might still be in there making cupcakes for anybody willing to smoosh their face on the window!

Because you do that at your job, right? You stay extra late just hoping that you can work more for people who need your services long after your scheduled hours.

Maybe I should just get a hat that has a small “Open” and “Closed” sign on it. Maybe some hours as well. To let people know when I’m available for talkins.

It would be a cowboy hat. Because I would look cool in that.

I’m off to put a sign on my door.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

rhymes with food and good and yummy

I tried more new foods! Well, I guess you really can’t call all of it food. But it IS all edible!

It’s Halloween season again! That means candy corn…and…well…I guess that’s really the only specific Halloween candy…is back!

There are a lot of other things that come out with different flavors for Halloween, but you really only get candy corn as a new item. And until recently, I wasn’t a fan of candy corn. (Now that I am a fan, I like to say I’m a “Fandy Corn.”)

I am ALSO a fan of things that TASTE like it! Like candy corn flavored M&M’s! They’re made with white chocolate, which I don’t usually like. But cover that white chocolate with a candy coating? Love it!

A new surprise for me this year is Starburst Fruit Flavored Candy Corn! This is so good! It has the texture of candy corn, but tastes more like a jelly bean. Kind of like a jelly bean without the outer shell.

Whoa…how crazy is that?! Some things taste better WITH an outer shell and some taste better WITHOUT the outer shell! This Halloween is LITERALLY blowing my mind out of its outer shell! I think I’m having a Halloween existential crisis!

But before things get TOO crazy, let’s talk about more fun foods I tried! Cotton Candy grapes! Have you tried these? Through some sort of cross-pollinating fun, they made these grapes taste like Cotton Candy! Because, well, we always want our actual foods to NOT taste like what they are!

They were…ok. I mean, the bag smelled really good! And they were a much sweeter tasting grape than usual. Buuuuuuuuut…they did not make me think I was eating pure cotton candy. Well…pure is a word used loosely. As a sweet grape, they were good.

Also! I tried some MORE real food! Broccolini! I love broccoli, but never tried its “ni” variety. It tasted good, but I think I like broccoli better. Broccolini is more stalk than shrubbery. I LOVE the shrubbery part. I’m not a stalker.

I’m off to cotton my candy and corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

artisanal pencils

This is awesome. There’s a guy who will sharpen a pencil for you. For $35. He calls is “Artisanal Pencil Sharpening.”

He also wrote a book on how to sharpen a pencil. AND! Not only that! He teaches classes about it!

AND! AND! He’s sold 1,804 hand-sharpened pencils already! According to the calculator on my phone, that’s over $63,000!

Apparently, David Rees used to be a political cartoonist. Then he got a job with the Census. On the first day, the instructor told the new recruits to sharpen their pencils. He had such a good time doing it, that he decided he wanted to do it for a living. So...he did.

This is all real. I looked it up. The video is really funny. There is some adult language, so, you know, don’t use those words.

I’m a huge fan of the yellow #2 pencil. It’s great. I must admit, though, that I use the electric sharpener at work. I will also admit that I don’t like it. It’s not a very good sharpening. It gets the job done, but it’s pretty sloppy.

I also have an unelectric sharpener at home. That one is not very good, either.

Lucky for me, this guy lives in the Hudson River Valley in New York! That’s not far from here!

(I know that because my sister lives in the Hudson River Valley and I’ve been to her house. Hi Sis!)

I might have to make a road trip to get a pencil artisanally sharpened. I don’t know if he does a factory tour, but if he does, I'm doing it.

If I didn’t wear glasses, I would put a pencil behind my ear all the time. It makes me want to get contacts because I totally rock the “pencil-behind-the-ear” look.

I sometimes wish I could be as entrepreneurial as that. But what could I do? Staple stuff for you? Sharpen your scissors? Type weird blogs that are sometimes funny and sometimes boring and sometimes about pencils? Hmmm…idea...

I’m off to yellow #2.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj