that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hug my waist

Well, now I HAVE to talk about my belts!

I need new belts. The old ones are falling apart. I found a few that are totally (purple) awesome. And who wants a belt UNLESS it is totally awesome?!

Belts can be hard for me. Because I always put them on upside down.

I'm generally right-handed. But for some reason, I loop my belts like a lefty. And when the belt has images or writing on it (as all totally rad belts should), they look upside down!

I also put my watch on the wrong arm. Well, I used to. When I wore a watch. Do they even make watches these days? But, yeah, I had to use my left hand to put my watch on my right wrist.

Oh, hockey, too. I was a lefty in hockey. I know, weird. Why would I play hockey?

Luckily, my perception of the world is totally wrong! Possibly due to an astigmatism. I don't know. When I put my belts on upside down, I'm pretty sure I'm seeing them right side up, but in the other direction.

When I wore a watch, I'm think I looked at the correct wrist for the time. Though, time is pretty relative, so whether I looked at the right wrist or the wrong wrist depends on whether you were moving forwards or backwards in time.

Which, as stated earlier this week, I do both.

Hockey...THAT is a mystery I may never solve. I was the goalie most of the time. Mostly because I was lazy and didn't want to move. Partly because the coach couldn't deal with me talking about watches and belts and wanted me as far away from him as possible.

Still, I was the best and most differently perceived goalie EVER.

I'm off to hold my pants up.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the seas they are a-changin'

There's some issue with carbon dioxide. Like, we have lot of it. And it's causing all sorts of crazy changes in the ocean.

Science is always wondering, "Will changes in the atmosphere create giant sea creatures that will attack the humans and take over the world? And will they be led by Aquaman or Namor? Or Poseidon?"

At least, that's what I hear Science asking all the time. You might not, but you would if you hung out with Science like I do! We went to the park the other day and that was the question Science asked all day! That and, "How come you're so awesome?"

Science can't answer that question, but they CAN answer the first one! By testing things! FOR SCIENCE!

It turns out crabs will evolve into GIANT CRABS because of the increased carbon dioxide! Being giants, they will be hungry and eat all the oysters.

Then they'll probably eat people. Because peoples are kinda like oysters. Especially the peoples who wear pearls (ladies)!

ALSO! After watching the purple (one of my favoritest colors and the color of my new belt...but don't get me started on belts) sea urchin eat more carbon dioxide, Science found out it can totally mutate into...a purple sea urchin THAT COULD TOLERATE HIGHER CARBON DIOXIDE LEVELS.

How scary is that?!

Not scared yet? Try THIS nugget of facting on for size: purple sea urchins hang out with sea otters a lot. Can you imagine a group of angry purple sea urchins getting mad and asking their sea otter friends to attack all the humans left without pearls?!

It would be the cutest attack in history!

Then the sea otters and crabs would fight for world domination!

I hope the sea otters win. And that the purple sea urchins like me. Because I like purple. So don't eat me.

I'm off to check my carbon dioxide.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

time comes to you

Why travel to the future when you can make the future come to you! A man in Tehran claims he created a kinda, sorta time machine.

It doesn't really flux capacitate. More like flux caprintout...itate...

Ali has created the "Aryayek Time Traveling Machine." It will tell you what will happen to you in the next 5-8 years of your life. Using "complex algorithms."

I will also tell you what will happen in the next 10 years of your life. Using algorithms of complexion.

Find me in 10 years and let's check on my accuracy.

Know why we don't have access to this AMAZING device yet?! He says that "the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight."

Which, granted, is probably true. So you can't blame the guy.

But who cares about that?! I travel in time at least twice a year! I'll go forward and backwards one FULL HOUR. It's crazy. I really can't explain it. My phone will just pop forward an hour or back an hour sometimes!

My phone is amazing! It takes pictures and plays music and texts AND takes me through time!

I may have a time travel app. I don't remember finding that at the app store, but time travel may or may not have messed up my memory.

Also, many blows to the head may or may not have messed up my intelligence. So says my anesthesiologist. Wait...no...maybe it was the neurosthesiologist?

I can't remember.

I'm off to fall back in time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

poll me maybe

There's a company that polls Americans. About anything and everything. They call themselves  Public Policy Polling. They are awesome because they ask the most RIDICULOUS questions.

They asked about aliens and conspiracies and stuff and it's amazing how many people believe in some things. I guess 47 million people believe the government is controlling our minds through TV.

Which, if they are, they're not getting a lot done. Unless they want people to not agree on politics most of the time, then they're doing a GREAT job.

They ALSO asked if the world is run by lizard people. 12 million people think this is true!  Totally, absolutely true!

Whaaaaat is going on in the world?! Did I completely miss something? Like...the actual existence of lizard people? And not just their existence, but the fact that they have jobs as government officials? With great benefits, possibly including heated rocks?

I'm pretty sure I've seen lizard people on Doctor Who and on Star Trek. Neither group decided to rule the human race. They were not terribly impressed.

I wish there were lizard people. I mean, humans are great and all, but we're all pretty much the same.  Biologically speaking. It would be nice to have a little more variety.

Maybe find an alien with two hearts. Or a lizard person with lizardy skin. Or Yoda.

Sometimes I like to believe that Star Trek is a documentary that was shot in the future and sent back in time as an awesome science fiction show. If they polled me on that, I would have totally said that Star Trek was 100% real.

And THAT is why lizard people sigh and hang their heads when they look at the human race.

I'm off to watch TV. Because the voices tell me to.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

leave a message

I read something the other day about the new etiquette required for use with your mobile phone. Or "cell" phone, as the kids call it. And adults. And non-age specific people who like the word "cell."

The deal is this: If you call, don't leave a message unless it is SUPER important. Otherwise, the other person will see that you called and call you back. Or, after calling and getting to voicemail, hang up and text the voicemail message you WOULD have left.

Because reading a text takes less time than calling your voicemail and putting in your password and listening to the voicemail.

This way, you won't be a burden to the other person. Because leaving messages is rude and totally uncalled (pun intended) for these days.

Yet, only a few years ago, people would LOVE to get messages and voicemails! Not a burden at all getting to hear your friends! In fact, it was a small treat in the day! Now your voice is hindering their Facebook time!

How rude of you!

One of the (possibly many) reasons I don't have friends might be due to my voicemail messages. I leave long ones. LONG. The voicemail cuts me off. Then I call back to leave PART 2 of my message. Sometimes, but not often, requiring a trilogy of messages!

THAT is how you know I care about you. I'm willing to spend the time to rant and rave about absolutely nothing for 3 voicemail messages.

Currently, nobody calls me back. And generally text me to never call again.

I may have to rethink my methods. Instead of calling, I'll just text you with my message. Now you'll just have to get 30 texts at a time from me.

I'm just trying to be etiquettey. Because I'm a gentleman like that.

I'm off to mail a voice and text.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fields of gold

Want to grow some gold? You can! Science has created plants that will give you gold!

Okay, it's not like you're planting a gold ring and then a gold tree will bloom. Well, it might. I don't know for sure. You should try it just in case!

Plants are pretty amazing. They do this thing called phytomining. When they do that, they pull up metal from the soil into the plant when they're growing. So, when they're sucking up nutrients, cadmium might come up as well!

Plants that do this are (awesomely) called hyperaccumulators. I want that hyperaccumulators!

Me: "How can I run even faster than fast? My new shoes make me run really, really fast. But I want even faster!"

Merchant: "What you need is a hyperaccumulator! I have three in stock! It will cost you 20 Rupees."

Me: "Deal!"

Dah dah dah daaaaaaaah! (Somebody might get that joke.)

Scientists are hard at work to make a mustard plant that will phytomine gold. Then, you won't have to go into caves for gold. You just go to your mustard plant and eat the gold!

On a side note, I do tons of research for every article I write.  (That's not entirely true.) I looked up Sting's "Fields of Gold" song online and found the CD insert for the single. So...why is Sting holding a lightsaber in the picture?

Is Sting a Jedi?! That would totally make sense! I can't believe I never guessed that before!

With songs like "Message in a Bantha" and "Every Little Thing She Does Is the Force," how could he NOT be a Jedi!

My mind may or may not have just blown.

I'm off to hyperaccumulate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the dance knight

I had a dream! That I remembered! I rarely remember dreams, but I'm SO glad I remembered this one!

It was about the next Batman movie. If it's anything like the dream I had, it's going to be awesome!

First, Batman was pregnant. I don't know how he got pregnant, but he's Batman and he can pretty much do anything.

Luckily, Robin was doing the Batman thing while Batman was pregnant. So Gotham was safe.

Also, Han Solo was there. He didn't do much. He was actually talking about the proper boots for carrying a blaster. Because he's fashionable and deadly.

OH! THEN! The dance sequence! This was the really weird part. I don't think the original Batman was pregnant when this happened. But maybe he was. It's kinda fuzzy.

Robin was in his Batman costume. Original Batman was also in his Batman costume. Then they danced. Very fun, broadway/jazz dancing. I THINK original Batman wanted to show that he could still be Batman.

Because, you know, Batman needs to know how to dance. To distract his enemies. Before he totally goes Batman on them and breaks bones and tracheae and stuff.

That's all I can remember from my dream about Batman Four: The Dance Knight Rises.

That's just a working title. But I think it fits. And it's my dream, so...yeah.

I'm off to talk with Christopher Nolan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There's no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What's the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they're stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer's Note: I'm actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn't I listen to my own advice?

Editor's Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, "Let me taste that!"

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there's not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I'm off to tap a tree. I hope it's a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the sun sets in my eyes

Do you have a sun visor in your car? I do. I'm pretty sure most cars do. You might use it early in the morning or later in the day when the sun is trying to burn your eyes with its awesomeness.

My visor is pretty good. It can go low enough to help out. It's kinda short, though. Like, to the right. Because if the sun is next to my rearview mirror, it still cooks my brain. I'm thinking of buying some attachment to make it block a wider area.

Or maybe just duct tape some cardboard to the edge. Which would be cheaper and more fun to decorate. I have Sharpies.

As exciting as this whole conversation is (it's really not), I DO have a point. Are you like me and feel like you can’t see anything when your visor is down?

I know it's only blocking my vision of the sky. I can totally still see the road, so why am I so messed up by this? I think the only risk I have is maybe missing a bird flying by or a falling rock or a UFO (which I totally saw last night).

So why do I feel like I'm not seeing anything? I think it's all psychological. Which I think means it's all in my head.  But I am wondering if there is some fact to it.

OH! I heard the other day that stolen cars go to Mexico or overseas all the time. How random is that? Like, living in South Dakota, do you know how long it would take to get to Mexico? Or even get to a boat to go to China or something?!

That's crazy hard. I do NOT have the drive (pun intended) to become a car thief. They will work harder for one car than I'll probably ever work in my whole life. I don't know why they don't just find an easier job. I guess I'm too lazy for that.

And I hate getting the sun in my eyes and that's probably a real work hazard with car thieves.

I'm off to block out the sun.

Enjoy everything.

-dj

look to krypton

Um...if you have a green rock that fell from space what's the first thing that comes to mind? Krypton, right? Am I the only one thinking this?!

A green rock landed in Morocco last year. They call it NWA 7325. I'm not kidding. I guess the scientists were straight outta Compton. (Though Kryptonians Wit Attitudes might be straight outta Kandor.)

I don't know why I didn't hear about this before, but I just found an article telling me that it came from Mercury.  Mercury?! Really?! You're going to tell me that a GREEN ROCK, that came FROM ANOTHER PLANET, is from Mercury?!

And get this, for a few minutes, they thought it could be from Mars! Then they studied it and found that it didn't have all the aspects of a meteorite from Mars.

But "Meteorites From Mars" would be a great name for a band.

So they decided that it's probably from Mercury. Because, yeah, that totally makes sense. Since it has low magnetic intensity and is low on iron.

Firstly, NWA should get more iron. Because you can't give blood if your iron is low. Spinach helps.

Secondly, green rocks from space are ALWAYS from Krypton! Because it blew up! If these "scientists" wanted to find out where it was from, they should have just called Superman. If he started getting weaker, we would have our answer.

Also, Krypton has a low magnetic intensity AND Superman is always having problems giving blood. I'm pretty sure it's because of low iron. So I just kinda proved that it's Kryptonite.

I'm like a scientist. In Compton.

I'm off to express myself.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fairy circles

I love the name Fairy Circles! It makes me think of the "circle of friends" we might have.

You: "Do you know Demeter?"

Me: "Yeah! She's pretty well known in baking circles. I never hang out with her though."

You: "Why not?"

Me: "I usually hang in fairy circles. I'm also well known in rainbow circles, unicorn circles, and pi circles."

You: "That's awesome."

Me: "I know."

Fairy Circles are in Africa. They are circles in the desert where grass grows around a dead patch of dirt.  Researchers have found that it's probably termites who do this. I'm pretty sure that it's fairies, though.

Because it's in the name. And why would you name something that it isn't? That would be like calling a piano "Frank." It's just silly and doesn't make any sense.

Luckily, you have me to make sense of things.

Unless termites are fairies! Oh my stars and garters! Could it be?!

Both termites and fairies fly, can survive anything, grant wishes, and live in circles!

I think I just made a scientific discovery today. Quite possibly changing the world forever.

You’re welcome.

I'm off to make more science.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj