Monday, December 31, 2012

whatever again


Every year people get asked about what annoys them. Because we LOVE to complain about stuff! I certainly do! I do it all the time!

Am I the only one who finds it odd that the entire world is not made to be user-friendly exclusively to me?

No. I am not.

So this year, somebody asked people what words they hate the most. And topping the list...again...is "whatever."

For FOUR years it has been on the top of the list! Isn't it time we got used to it? It's a perfectly good word. That's right! I'm going to defend it! "Whatever" has lawyered up! And that lawyering is done by me! Because I know all about lawys. It is lawys, right?

One who gardens is a gardener. So one who lawys is a lawyer!

I knew I'd get that one right! I'm the best lawyerer ever!

I just have to pass the bar. That's easy. There's a bar down the street from me that I pass on my way to work every day. I've passed the bar, like, hundreds of times!

Golly...this lawyer stuff is easy. I don't know why people make such a big deal about it.

Oops. "Like" is also another word that annoys people. Well, I'll defend that one too! Because I'm the Defender! The Lawyer Defender!

You know what words I find annoying? None of them! I love all words! I'm a lexophile!

And you should be too.

I'm off to love words.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, December 28, 2012

do you need help


Okay, so I think I've mentioned before that people talk to me. Randomly. When I go out. Usually it’s just people in line at a store or something. Usually about nothing. There could be a bunch of other people in line, but they talk to me.

I don’t mind. I just never know what to say to people. I’m not good with the art of conversation. Have you ever seen me draw a picture? It’s pretty bad. And I’m better at the art of art than with the art of conversation.

Lately, there’s been a new phenomenon. The "do you need help" situation.

I go to stores to buy things. Sometimes people offer to help me find something in the store. There are many stores that I am completely ready for this. I KNOW it’s going to happen.

Then, there is the grocery store. I have to shop at different grocery stores because I’m very…particular (neurotic)…about some of the foods I buy. I only like ONE kind. Because…well…I have no good reason. We just have to accept it.

One of my grocery stores that encourages me to slow down and take my time to purchase things (rather than sell me with large letters) has started offering help. To find things.

This never really happened before. I’m not sure, but I might look lost all the time. Maybe I look dim. I don’t know. But for the past few weeks, every time I go shopping there, somebody asks, "Do you need help finding anything?"

This has happened with people from all ages and departments.

Do I need help? Probably. But I didn’t know they were qualified for that. Could this be an intervention of some sort? Like when everybody is after Neo in The Matrix? Only, less "human computer program" and more "you should talk to a therapist."

Maybe I should have asked for help finding the red and blue pills.

I’m off to find what I’m shopping for.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, December 27, 2012

oceans of syrup 11


So earlier this year, Canada had some maple syrup missing. 3,000 tons of it. Luckily, the thieves have been caught! YES! 18 people were captured taking maple syrup out of the "Official Strategic Reserve of Maple Syrup" in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.

It's Canadian. What do you expect for a name?

How much syrup is that, you ask? Good enough for 180 million pancakes. Or, if you're like me, good for 10 pancakes. I like a LOT of maple syrup.

Now, in these United States of America, we have a Strategic Oil Reserve. Which kinda makes sense. You may not be a fan of the petrol, but we need it. A lot. It kinda runs EVERYTHING.

Would the world actually stop if maple syrup was gone? I mean...do you really need a STRATEGIC reserve of it?

Oh...did I mention they have 46 MILLION POUNDS OF IT ON RESERVE! STRATEGICALLY!

Now if we could only power cars on maple syrup! That would be something special! I would just go to the pump and chug it!

I don't do that now. Because gas does NOT taste good. And it might kill me. Which is bad. So don't do that.

Now we know why nobody attacks Canada. They have all the maple syrup. NOBODY wants to mess that up!

"Hello? Canada? We're going to attack you with big weapons and stuff."

"Oh, hi. Yeah, we have all your maple syrup, you know, eh. If you ever want to eat a pancake again, you might want to rethink this decision. Eh?"

"Oh...um...does the United States have anything cool?"

"Nope."

"Ok. We'll call them. Thanks for the syrup!"

That conversation happens every day. It might be time to move to Canada.

I'm off to maple my syrup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, December 24, 2012

christmas letter 2012



I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)

This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.

My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"

My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.

Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.

After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!

I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.

Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!

He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.

The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.

Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.

The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.

Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.

I'm off to serve 67-93 people.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Sunday, December 23, 2012

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, December 21, 2012

pillow fight


I'm fighting with my pillows. We're still talking to each other. It's very civil. But I'm having trouble with the pillow case.

My pillow wants to fight me every time I put its clothes on! Every. Single. Time. I mean, the pillow can't just lay around naked!

The problem I'm finding is that my new pillow is floofy. For this new puffy pillow, I bought a pillow case. Unfortunately, the case BARELY fits on! It's so tight!

I have a VERY old pillow that I LOVE. It's flatter than flat. And putting a pillow case on that one is easy. It pretty much falls in.

I also love that the case is loose on it. It gives it wiggle room. This, in turn, gives my head wiggle room. And I love to wiggle my head at night!

Am I the only one who would like pillow cases to fit loosely on their pillow? Do people really prefer the tight case?

I understand that on rare occasions (most of the time) I have a very different preference than the rest of the world. In this case, my preference might be different to the world at rest.

(Puns TOTALLY intended there! I thought it was kinda clever. Bed companies will think it's funny. I hope.)

I have decided I'm going to hire somebody to make pillow cases for me. YES! I'm going to get them specially made! Because I can't live with what society tells me is the perfect pillow case!

Take that pillow case dictators! I'm fighting back with a friend, a needle, and a spool of thread!

You thought you could hold me down? Silence me with pillowy softness? No way! I can keep my eyes open no matter how soft you make your jersey cotton cases!

I'm off to take a nap with wiggles. Not THE wiggles, just wiggles. Unless Jeff is around, he’s always napping. (Funny Wiggles joke!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

for crying out loud


For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, December 17, 2012

getting ossified


Did you ever have one of those days where something just keeps popping up over and over and over again? That happened to me the other day. With the word "ossified."

I know! Of all the random things! Nobody even USES that word! Like, ever! It's a great word!

Ossify means "to turn into bone or harden like bone" or "to become inflexible in habits or opinions." Basically, you become stubborn in your ways.

Or you turn into bone. Which is cool, too. That would be helpful if you could harden like bone if somebody was trying to hit you. It would probably hurt their hand. Then they would run away and cry. From the ossify.

It's like they always say in the world of sportology, "The best defense is a good ossifence!"

I heard this word being used all over the place for a bunch of different things! It was so weird. I didn't know if it meant something. Like, maybe my bones were messed up. Or maybe I could grow new bones. Or maybe a skeleton would show up at my door selling bones.

None of those things happened.

How come we never do movies about skeletons? Vampires and zombies are very popular. When is it time for the skeleton to shine?!

There are some very famous skeletons in history who would love to see the skeleton back in our popular cultures. And maybe even our milk cultures. Or throat cultures...if you're sickish.

Skeletor. The Red Skull. Ghost Rider. Stalfos.

The time for the skeleton is now! Rise, my skeleton army! RISE!

I'm off to get ossified.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

triple isn't very big


I love cotton balls! They're so useful! I mean, when you need something cottoned, then they can totally get the job done! Except they are too small!

I even buy the triple size cotton balls. TRIPLE! I can't imagine what single size cotton balls would look like. They're probably microscopic. As in, you would need four super strong microscopes to even SEE them.

Not even being overdramatic, either.

I wish they made them a little bit bigger. I know triple sounds great. Like, triple size cupcakes would be cool. But at that point, would they just become "cake?"

At what size does a cupcake become a cake? Are they related? I have seen giant cupcakes, but they look like cake. So are they the same? Are they different species in the Edible Kingdom?

Where in evolution did the cake and the cupcake split?

These are questions that are way above my head. I may have the occasional existential crisis in life, but this is TOO existential.

"Occasional Existential" would be a good name for a band, though.

Unfortunately, existentially and unexistentially speaking, I still don't have a solution to my cotton balls.

"The Cotton Ball Solution" would also be a cool name for a band. Or a book. About cupcakes. And bunnies. OH! Maybe they travel through time and save the world!

Or not...I really gotta stop watching so much Doctor Who.

I'm off to get bigger cotton balls.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, December 10, 2012

does this make me look fan


I know I shouldn't care about what I look like at the gym. And most of the time, I really don't. I mean, I'll go to the gym after I wake up on the weekends and trust me, my hair is an odd site at that time of the morning.

Plus, most of my gym shirts are old with holes. But it's the gym! Who cares!

So why am I insecure at this moment? I'll explain...

I always bring stuff to the gym. Especially something to read. Because the gym is really, really boring. Like, the elliptical. There's NOTHING to do. The best thing is when I'm in a play, so I learn lines.

Also, reading books on my phone works well because I can make the text much bigger and it's easy to read while I'm moving.

Now that all of that exposition is out of the way, here's the problem. I want to switch it up. I was thinking I could start using the stationary bike. If I use the bike, I can read a book in BOOK form! Because there's less shimmy!

So I would have to bring a script, a phone/digital book, AND a real paper-page book! THAT is a lot of stuff! I thought that maybe I could wear a fanny pack, but I don't know if that's a little too much for the gym. Would people judge me? Would I become the "fanny pack" guy? Is that a bad thing to be?

I'm pretty sure I'll look hardcore lifting weights with a fanny pack. I mean, really, it is tough. But it's the running I'm afraid of. It would bounce around a lot. A bouncing fanny might not be comfortable.

Wait...that came out wrong...you know what I mean.

If you see a guy with a fanny pack reading at the gym, that's me. If I look insecure, please come up to me and tell me my fanny looks cool. That will make me feel better. Thanks. You're the bestest!

I'm off to run and read.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, December 7, 2012

earn your stripes


I have stripes! Like a zebra!

You also have stripes! We all have stripes! I just found out that all of us have these things called Blaschko Lines. They are invisible stripes on our skin.

Yeah...they're invisible...but we do have them!

I'm like a tiger! On the prowl! With stripes! Rawr! Striped Rawr!

There are a few people who DO have visible stripes, but it's from rare skin conditions. So if you ever feel weird about a skin condition you might have, DON'T! If somebody says, "What's that weird birthmark you have?"

You say, "Birthmark? Oh! You mean my stripes! I'm half tiger. And half zebra. And half human. Don't mess with me. I am graceful and deadly with opposable thumbs."

Then you pause for three seconds and quietly, but quickly, put your hands in a claw pose and say, "Rawr."

THAT will totally freak them out! It's seriously the most fun you'll have every single day.

I guess these lines are in different shapes and patterns on your body. And on the chest it follows an "S" shape! Like Superman!

I have an "S" on my chest! I'm Superman! I had no idea!

I mean...I totally knew I was Superman. Because I do Supermanny things all the time. Like lift things and stuff.

Oh...that "S" on my chest? I'm just Superman.

one...two...three...

Rawr.

I'm off to oppose my thumbs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

what's my age again


I wasn't sure how to react to a woman who asked me if her son would ever calm down. I was getting coffee at a wonderfully-named national chain. I say wonderfully-named because, even though the company was created in the magical realm of Seattle, the name came from a fictional character from New England!

I also like to think that if I ever roamed the universe, I would use Star Bucks to pay for everything.

So it's kinda perfect. They also make my favorite sugar-filled coffee perfect every time.

Anywheezee, this lovely lady said that I reminded her of her 5-year-old son. He apparently gets very excited about a lot of things.

She asked me if that ever changes.

I said, "Nothing changes, fellow coffee-gettin-lady! You're in for a world of fun!"

Then I told her to read my blog. And put a little salt in her coffee. And watch as I ride the escalator like a whale!

(That's funny because of the Moby Dick reference!) (Look it up, it's hilarious!)

Then I ran back to her and said, "Nothing changes because I AM YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE! And all of this is just a dream!"

(Don't worry real mom in the current timeline, I was just kidding with her. You are, in fact, my mother. From the present.)

I gave her a big hug and ran off with my coffee yummery and eluded security for a good fourteen minutes. They eventually caught me buying a  pretzel hugging a hot dog.

I told them that in the future these don't exist, so I would like one before I return.

They told me to leave and never return.

Which I did. With my pretzel/hot dog companion.

I'm off to find a Star ATM for some Star Bucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, December 3, 2012

welcome to the unicorn lair


Unicorns live in North Korea. And they don't just LIVE there! They were also DOMESTICATED there! Archaeologists found a cave called the "Unicorn Lair" where King Tongmyong kept his unicorn between trips!

Now, some naysayers are "claiming" that this is not true. One reason is that they say North Korea might not have the most accurate news department/government agency.

Others are saying that there is, in fact, a cave called "Unicorn Lair," but it's just a fancy name for the cave. Like "Purgatory Chasm," or "Devil's Cliff," or "Chocolate Hills."

I suppose that is possible. I have different names for many locations in my apartment. For example, the cabinet under the sink is called "Mario's Pipe."

The bathroom is called "The Dragon's Cove." My closet is "Unicorn Spaceship." My chair is called "The Throne For Watching TV and Eating Vegetables and Sometimes Drinking Tea." (Still working on that one.)

But my favorite is my kitchen. Where you actually enter "Dinosaur Cliff."

These all got their names because they ACTUALLY have this stuff there! No joke! So when I see something called "Unicorn Lair," I'm inclined AND declined to believe that there is a real unicorn in there!

If I had complete control over the news, I would also report awesome stories about REAL things. That is why I'm applying for a job as a journalist in North Korea.

The world deserves the truth and clearly, I'm the only one responsible enough to make it up.

I'm off to report investigatively.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj