Can a unicorn get through customs? Yes. As long as the unicorn has magically disguised itself as a little girl!
There’s a girl from South Wales who was able to get through security in Turkey with a fake passport. A passport FOR A UNICORN.
She got this fake passport for her stuffed unicorn as part of her “Design A Bear” toy. I guess they want to make sure your stuffed animal can travel the world with you.
During the rush through Turkey customs, they gave the unicorn’s passport to the person working there instead of little Emily’s passport! And they got through!
I’m not sure what this says about security in Turkey, but I do know what it says about my new passport picture.
It’s going to be a picture of a unicorn! My name will be Sprinkle Sparkle and I will travel the world on magic, love, and United Airlines!
If anybody asks why, in my current shape, I don’t look like the picture, I will tell them that I’m in secret “human form” because there are many evil wallaby spies trying to get all my unicorn secrets from me.
Like our secret moon base. And where we store all our candy.
I’d be, like, the James Bond of unicorns. Starring in GoldenHorn. Or Unicorns are Forever. Or License to Frolic.
I’d also work for the Queen of England.
The only difference is that I would order my frosting stirred, not shaken. Because…well…can you even shake frosting? Wait…can I get a frosting shake?!
That sounds soooooo gooooood!
I’m off to shake and stir and frosting.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
fit into my genes
It took the power of the Supreme Court to decide that your genes are your genes and nobody can patent them.
Which stinks for me, because I had sent thousands of letters to the patent office to get patents for all of your genes.
Then I was going to charge you for having your genes and you would have to pay me to keep being all genie and stuff.
Can’t do that now! Thanks a lot, Supreme Court!
I guess some company found a gene and put a patent on it. The court said that they didn’t actually INVENT anything. They just FOUND something. You can’t patent something that you just find when you’re looking for it!
That’s like you looking in the sky and seeing the sun and thinking, “I just found this giant thing in the sky that is totally bright! I need to patent that because I want to make money from it!”
Doesn’t work that way!
Now, if you created a NEW sun with variations and improvements on the old sun, you could probably patent that. I don’t know where you would put it, though. I mean, the sun is pretty big. It’s bigger than my library. And THAT is BIG!
I wish I could patent my genes. I bet I have some really cool ones. I can jump pretty high. I know my vision isn’t great, but with glasses, I can totally see far.
I don’t really wear jeans, though. I know it’s different, but they sound the same. I like cargo pants. I generally have a lot of cargo, so I need the pants to transport that cargo. Very useful.
I would also like to patent my idea for an envelope that has flavored glue.
I’m off to copyright and trademark and lick an envelope.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Which stinks for me, because I had sent thousands of letters to the patent office to get patents for all of your genes.
Then I was going to charge you for having your genes and you would have to pay me to keep being all genie and stuff.
Can’t do that now! Thanks a lot, Supreme Court!
I guess some company found a gene and put a patent on it. The court said that they didn’t actually INVENT anything. They just FOUND something. You can’t patent something that you just find when you’re looking for it!
That’s like you looking in the sky and seeing the sun and thinking, “I just found this giant thing in the sky that is totally bright! I need to patent that because I want to make money from it!”
Doesn’t work that way!
Now, if you created a NEW sun with variations and improvements on the old sun, you could probably patent that. I don’t know where you would put it, though. I mean, the sun is pretty big. It’s bigger than my library. And THAT is BIG!
I wish I could patent my genes. I bet I have some really cool ones. I can jump pretty high. I know my vision isn’t great, but with glasses, I can totally see far.
I don’t really wear jeans, though. I know it’s different, but they sound the same. I like cargo pants. I generally have a lot of cargo, so I need the pants to transport that cargo. Very useful.
I would also like to patent my idea for an envelope that has flavored glue.
I’m off to copyright and trademark and lick an envelope.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, June 14, 2013
no sitting down on the job
I’ve read comic books for a long time. Probably 99.99999999999% of my life. I love them. From super heroes to crime noir, comic books are the bestest!
I like to think I know a few things about comics. I may have trouble remembering everything, but I know a good amount. Especially things that are “common knowledge.”
Like, Superman comes from Krypton. Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider. Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. You know, random stuff like that.
Now, I love super hero comics. I really do. But I understand that they are from big companies and the editors have more say than the writers most of the time. Which is too bad. That would NEVER stop me from reading them, though!
One writer dealt with all the rewriting that he had to do and a scene where Batman sits next to somebody on the roof had to be changed last minute. He asked why and the editor said that Batman never sits down. Common knowledge!
WHAT?! How is that common knowledge?! He HAS to sit sometimes! He drives a car! And a plane! And a submersible!
I understand that Batman is generally jumping around beating up evil and stuff. He can still sit if he needs to! Everybody loves a good sit!
Luckily, the internet has responded by making a tumblr page with pictures of Batman sitting down.
So, please, don’t be afraid to have Batman sit. He can do more sitting down than I could do in...probably any position. And please, editors, I understand that shareholders are important, but I’m also pretty sure they’ll be fine if Batman rests his legs for a minute.
Or not. I don’t really know what happens in shareholder meetings. Maybe they all stand around and fight crime. When I say “stand,” I mean “sit.” When I say “fight crime,” I mean “make tons of money.”
I know this was a little too “comic booky” for the average person to care about. But sometimes I just need to rant a little. Publicly. For all the shareholders to see. Because shareholders are some of my biggest fans.
I’m off to sit down for a minute and hold a good share.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I like to think I know a few things about comics. I may have trouble remembering everything, but I know a good amount. Especially things that are “common knowledge.”
Like, Superman comes from Krypton. Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider. Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. You know, random stuff like that.
Now, I love super hero comics. I really do. But I understand that they are from big companies and the editors have more say than the writers most of the time. Which is too bad. That would NEVER stop me from reading them, though!
One writer dealt with all the rewriting that he had to do and a scene where Batman sits next to somebody on the roof had to be changed last minute. He asked why and the editor said that Batman never sits down. Common knowledge!
WHAT?! How is that common knowledge?! He HAS to sit sometimes! He drives a car! And a plane! And a submersible!
I understand that Batman is generally jumping around beating up evil and stuff. He can still sit if he needs to! Everybody loves a good sit!
Luckily, the internet has responded by making a tumblr page with pictures of Batman sitting down.
So, please, don’t be afraid to have Batman sit. He can do more sitting down than I could do in...probably any position. And please, editors, I understand that shareholders are important, but I’m also pretty sure they’ll be fine if Batman rests his legs for a minute.
Or not. I don’t really know what happens in shareholder meetings. Maybe they all stand around and fight crime. When I say “stand,” I mean “sit.” When I say “fight crime,” I mean “make tons of money.”
I know this was a little too “comic booky” for the average person to care about. But sometimes I just need to rant a little. Publicly. For all the shareholders to see. Because shareholders are some of my biggest fans.
I’m off to sit down for a minute and hold a good share.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
the royal society of chemistry
Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!
“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”
Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!
Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.
I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.
The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.
I am NOT making this up.
I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.
I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.
Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?
I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.
Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.
Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)
I’m off to cheese my toast.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”
Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!
Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.
I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.
The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.
I am NOT making this up.
I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.
I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.
Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?
I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.
Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.
Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)
I’m off to cheese my toast.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, June 10, 2013
phone home atari
There’s an urban legend of a treasure. A treasure that would make pirates scream like a giddy girl on pizza day. A treasure that would make tigers purr like kittens in teacups! A treasure that would make gold coins look like a pile of yellow underwear lint!
A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!
I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.
At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.
I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.
The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.
NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.
I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.
I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.
There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars' Revenge again.
I’m off to track and also field.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!
I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.
At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.
I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.
The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.
NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.
I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.
I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.
There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars' Revenge again.
I’m off to track and also field.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, June 7, 2013
make the itching stop
Scientists have often wondered why we itch. Because it’s really annoying and scientists hate having to scratch an itch when they’re doing something really important like solving the mystery of quantum entanglement.
Apparently, neuropeptide natriuretic polypeptide b, or Nppb, is the molecule that makes us feel an itch. Once it travels to the brain, we feel the urge to scratch ourselves. Are you feeling it right now? That’s cool. I am too.
They decided to breed mice without Nppb to see what happened. Guess what! They gave these mice a rash and they didn’t have to scratch it! Yay science!
They said that they didn’t want to do this in humans yet because it’s important for the heart and blood pressure or something. I don’t know. They make it sound important.
Here’s the part that I found really interesting. This work was done in the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research!
What?! Why are dentists trying to figure out my itching?! Do teeth itch? Is that a problem that dentists have to figure out?
Should I be worried about itchy teeth?! That’s freaking me out!
Maybe tooth research is done? We know everything about teeth, so dentists are bored and are looking at other stuff. I mean, what else is there? We can fix cavities, we have toothpaste, and we can even put fake teeth in!
Since these dentists were so bored, they started scratching their heads wondering what else to do and I guess they decided that scratching was interesting enough to study.
And they figured it out! We should get dentists to research everything. Clearly they know how to get results. Pearly, white results.
They also know how to get novocaine. Which is fun for parties and holidays.
I’m off to scratch my teeth.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Apparently, neuropeptide natriuretic polypeptide b, or Nppb, is the molecule that makes us feel an itch. Once it travels to the brain, we feel the urge to scratch ourselves. Are you feeling it right now? That’s cool. I am too.
They decided to breed mice without Nppb to see what happened. Guess what! They gave these mice a rash and they didn’t have to scratch it! Yay science!
They said that they didn’t want to do this in humans yet because it’s important for the heart and blood pressure or something. I don’t know. They make it sound important.
Here’s the part that I found really interesting. This work was done in the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research!
What?! Why are dentists trying to figure out my itching?! Do teeth itch? Is that a problem that dentists have to figure out?
Should I be worried about itchy teeth?! That’s freaking me out!
Maybe tooth research is done? We know everything about teeth, so dentists are bored and are looking at other stuff. I mean, what else is there? We can fix cavities, we have toothpaste, and we can even put fake teeth in!
Since these dentists were so bored, they started scratching their heads wondering what else to do and I guess they decided that scratching was interesting enough to study.
And they figured it out! We should get dentists to research everything. Clearly they know how to get results. Pearly, white results.
They also know how to get novocaine. Which is fun for parties and holidays.
I’m off to scratch my teeth.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
reverse my mortgage
I saw a commercial the other day for a reverse mortgage. I don’t remember what I was watching, but it was very late at night when I couldn’t sleep. Also, I was taking medication for allergies. So the whole night is sorta blurry and fuzzy and pinkish.
I’m pretty sure this commercial was real. I also did a search online for reverse mortgages and found out that they do exist!
The commercial said that you don’t pay your mortgage anymore. They pay YOU the monthly mortgage! And you still own your home!
Why isn’t everybody doing this?! I’m no genius, but if somebody says that they’ll give me the title to a house AND pay me the monthly mortgage payments, I’m going to take that deal!
You know what else should be reversed? My electric bill. That would be awesome. The electric company should be paying me to use their electricity! They should be thanking me taking all that electricity off their hands!
I mean, really, what are they going to do with it? Shock stuff? If I didn’t siphon all that electricity away from them to power my electric razor and electric toothbrush and electric spoon and electric chair and electric door and electric soap, things might just explode!
I’m doing THEM a favor!
Oh! I have an idea! I’m going buy, like, 67 houses and turn all the lights and vacuums and microwaves on and stuff!
I’ll make TONS of money! Just sitting around doing nothing!
Then, I’ll make a DVD that I’ll sell on TV telling people how they can get rich just like me!
Then I’ll buy a yacht and sail the world with a bunch of friendly chinchilla pirates who love to count money and eat baby carrots!
I know that earlier I said, "I’m no genius." Strike that. Reverse it. I’m totally a genius.
I’m off to take more allergy meds.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I’m pretty sure this commercial was real. I also did a search online for reverse mortgages and found out that they do exist!
The commercial said that you don’t pay your mortgage anymore. They pay YOU the monthly mortgage! And you still own your home!
Why isn’t everybody doing this?! I’m no genius, but if somebody says that they’ll give me the title to a house AND pay me the monthly mortgage payments, I’m going to take that deal!
You know what else should be reversed? My electric bill. That would be awesome. The electric company should be paying me to use their electricity! They should be thanking me taking all that electricity off their hands!
I mean, really, what are they going to do with it? Shock stuff? If I didn’t siphon all that electricity away from them to power my electric razor and electric toothbrush and electric spoon and electric chair and electric door and electric soap, things might just explode!
I’m doing THEM a favor!
Oh! I have an idea! I’m going buy, like, 67 houses and turn all the lights and vacuums and microwaves on and stuff!
I’ll make TONS of money! Just sitting around doing nothing!
Then, I’ll make a DVD that I’ll sell on TV telling people how they can get rich just like me!
Then I’ll buy a yacht and sail the world with a bunch of friendly chinchilla pirates who love to count money and eat baby carrots!
I know that earlier I said, "I’m no genius." Strike that. Reverse it. I’m totally a genius.
I’m off to take more allergy meds.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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