Thursday, August 28, 2014

now you’re cooking with a dry heat

A friend of mine was making roast beef. I know this because she texted me a picture of it. I actually find this very exciting because I had no idea she could roast anything. Not that I didn’t have faith in her roasting abilities, but I just never saw her do it before.

But she totally ROASTED that beef!

These are the conversations I have with my friends. And I love them! When she told me about the beef roasting, I replied that I honestly had no idea what roasting meant.

I don’t cook. Ever. I have no patience for it. I make toast. I told her I could probably make toast beef. She suggested I do not do that.

But why not? It’s the same basic idea! I looked it up online! Roasting is just putting meat in a dry heat! Not only meat, but root vegetables can be roasted as well. (According to Wikipedia.)

Why can’t I just buy some yams and slice them up and put them in the toaster? Maybe grab a few slices of bologna and put them in there as well?

I know. That’s just silly. A toaster wouldn’t work because of the angle of input. You can’t put sliced meat in a toaster that way. Gravity would get in the way and it would probably just get all folded up on the bottom and possibly clog the toaster.

But, seeing as I’m a practical man, I would use a toaster OVEN.

My toaster oven even came with a little tray. I could probably just put everything on the tray and push the button and I would have a roasted/toasted dinner in just a few minutes!

I’m sure I could roast other things. Beef is kinda boring. I might roast an apple. Or a banana. Maybe some almonds. OH! People roast chestnuts!

An open fire is pretty much the same thing as a toaster oven!

Golly…my holiday parties are going to be the best.

I’m off to toast some sliced meat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

hold my paper plate

I do a lot of shopping because I need food, like, ALL THE TIME. It’s crazy. I eat it and it just goes away. POOF! No more food! Then I buy more, and it disappears again! It’s crazy!

As I was shopping for food, I saw some paper plate holders. They were plastic and in lots of fun colors. But I thought to myself, what is the point of a paper plate holder?

I mean, I understand the idea behind them. It’s in the name. I’m not THAT oblivious to the obvious. It holds a paper plate. But WHY do you need that?

I know that I don’t go too many (zero) parties, so I don’t use a lot of paper plates. I HAVE used them in the past. I’m guessing that the paper plate holder is there to give support to the paper plate. Especially with foods that might drip through paper.

You use paper plates to avoid any extra dish washing later. BUT, if you have these paper plate holders that are getting messy, you’ll STILL have to clean them.

Why not just use regular plates in the first place?! I don’t understand! You still have to wash the dishes. You probably already have dishes. Why spend the money on paper plates AND paper plate holders to do the job of something you already have?!

I have this issue swirling in my head because I truly do NOT understand it. I cannot figure out any proper reason these exist.

Is it merely decorative? Just to have the neighbors look at your party and say, “Wow! Look at those colorfully adorned paper plates! Our parties are never that fancy!”

If that's the case, why stop there? Why not make paper cup holders? Or paper napkin holders?

You could use the same cup over and over again. And when you wipe your hands from your messy food, the napkin won’t flop all over the place. (Yes, that's a problem I have.)

I think I’ll get some paper forks and then make a pretty plastic paper fork holder!

I’m off to colorfully adorn paper products.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 21, 2014

banana still in the peel

Somebody has invented a banana corer. I guess they wanted to make bananas more interesting. By filling them with sweetness!

I’ll try to explain. You put the unpeeled banana in the holder. Then, you put this metal thing that looks like a giant needle through the banana. You then have a small hole at the top. Then you squeeze something in there like caramel or chocolate or whipped cream.

You eat it and find a tasty surprise!

This was created in Argentina. I’m guessing they want to sell more bananas and this will make bananas more fun.

I don’t think they need to sell me on this. I eat bananas like crazy. They are already sweet and so easy to eat! Just peel and eat! Done!

I might fill my banana with peanut butter. Because I eat that almost every day. I will put some peanut butter on bread and put a banana on it. It looks kinda like a hot dog. Well…if the bun was a piece of wheat bread and the ketchup was peanut butter and the hot dog was a banana.

Ok, so it’s almost nothing like a hot dog. But it’s good! I don’t even cut the banana. THAT is how lazy I am. And you know what? I don’t care! It’s So Good. It’s like a Banana in a Blanket.

I wonder if you can inject any other fruits with caramel? I mean, you could core an apple, but the caramel center would be too hard to get to.

On the other hand, I guess they already solved that by putting the caramel or chocolate on the outside.

Strawberries and blueberries are too small to really inject with anything.

OH! What about carrots! That’s a vegetable that you could inject something into! Maybe caramel? Like caramel carrots? I wonder if that’s any good. I’ll have to try that. Carrots deserve to get banana respect.

I’m off to inject fruits and vegetables.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 18, 2014

that’s a big penguin

Researchers in Antarctica found a giant penguin. A 6-foot 7-inch tall penguin!

Ok…so it’s not ALIVE. It’s a fossil. They figure it would have been about 250 pounds! How awesome is that!

I want a giant penguin. I have said in the past that I want a pet triceratops that I can ride to work. I still want that. For the summer. I think dinosaurs prefer the summer months. Whenever I see pictures of dinosaurs, they are in very steamy climates.

But, just like your car needs summer and winter tires, I need summer and winter transport! THAT is where Remy comes it.

(Remy is the name of my penguin. In case that wasn’t clear.)

See, penguins slide across the snow and ice without a problem. It will be much easier to get to work in the snow on a penguin. Andromeda can go to Florida and play on the beach. She loves the beach. She’ll run in and out of waves for hours. She also loves Frisbee and theme parks.

(Andromeda is the name of my triceratops. In case that wasn’t clear.)

But while Andromeda is looking around Diagon Alley at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Remy and I will be cruising the snow drifts!  I think that would make more sense because whenever I watch Happy Feet, there’s snow.

I just want to care for my prehistoric animals! And make sure they are in the proper climate even if they aren’t in the proper time period.

That is why I want to see the science from Jurassic Park become a reality. So I can have cool pets to ride to work.

As a bonus, I would like a giant sloth to cuddle with. Because that would be amazing. Bodhi and I would read comic books and eat jelly beans and leaves all day long.

(Bodhi is the name of my giant sloth. In case that wasn’t clear.)

(This name joke is still funny. In case that wasn’t clear.)

I’m off to look for fossils in amber.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 14, 2014

see the sounds

What?! This is crazy! MIT has created sound from vibrations!

Wait…that doesn’t sound crazy when I say it like that. I’ll have to be more specific. A team at MIT wanted to see if they could get audio through visual data. They played music in a room and had a camera record a plant from another sound-proof room. They put the video of the plant into the computer and it was able to translate the vibrations seen by the camera and convert them into sound!

YES! Sound is waves! Waves make things shake! Those shakes can be made into sound!

So if you are paranoid, you might want to get rid of anything that will shake. If somebody put a camera next to your plants, they could record all of your conversations.

Also, you should be paranoid if there is somebody who said they think your plants should be models and they would like to record them. That person is either really into plants or they are a spy. And not a plant spy. A people spy that uses INNOCENT plants to unwittingly divulge secrets about their human caretakers.

Those poor plants. They can’t do anything to fight it because they’re stuck in pots.

Unless you care for your plants like I do, then you don’t have to worry. When they tried to spy on me, my plant protected my honor!

Here is the actual transcript from the plant spy: “I know what you’re doing, camera! You’re trying to find out what my benevolent master is saying! Well, I won’t tell. If it wasn’t for these roots, I would walk over there and sap all over you. That’s right. I’d swat you with so many leaves, your lens would smudge like the mascara from your tears.”

I don’t know why a camera was wearing mascara, but I also don’t know much about spying. I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.

I’m off to get plant videos.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 11, 2014

like it a latte

I have created a latte! My own version of a very cheap latte that I can make at home!

This is NOT fancy at all, but it is getting me very excited. I am feeling very proud of myself for making this.

I like to get iced lattes. They are good. If you don’t know, it’s a shot (I make it a double.) of espresso, milk (I get soy because I like how it sounds), and ice. That's it.

You can get it with flavors and stuff, but I like it naked. The way nature intended it to be!

I have been experimenting with coffee lately. I don’t have a coffee maker, so I was trying the instant stuff. I found one that is pretty good. It’s a French roast. Nice and dark. So that’s cool.

In my experiment, I decided to fake some espresso. I put 2 big spoonfuls of the instant coffee into 2 ounces of water. (A shot is an ounce.) Then microwave it for a minute. Stir that into a cup of milk (Any kind you have. I use almond milk.) and add ice! DONE! You can now call me Mister Barista!

In NO way is this like a real thing. But, it TASTES similar! That’s all that matters! I figured out that this probably costs me a dollar a latte. That is a great deal!

I have decided to open my own coffee shop. I’m going to call it “Poor Me Coffee.” Since this is basically a “poor-man’s” version of real coffee.

Also, I have decided to open more discount-themed businesses. I’ll have the “Slim Gym,” which will be an open room where you can do push-ups and sit-ups or just walk around in circles. No equipment needed!

There will also be a chain of movie theaters called “Blockbusted.” I’ll set up some folding chairs in front of a TV and get free movies from the library. You won’t see new movies, but you’ll be able to stay awake because you can buy cheap lattes. Only a dollar at the concession stand!

I’ll be rich! Well, I mean, I’ll make a few dollars. A poor-man’s rich. So, like, 20 bucks.

I’m off to make tens of dollars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 7, 2014

applecatcher

There’s a lot in life that I don’t understand. Things that seem very common to some people, but I don’t get AT ALL.

I love apples. So I buy them a lot. But! They are precariously stacked at the store! What’s the deal with this crazy applestacking thing?! Why don’t they put some sort of barrier or wall at the bottom of the stack?

I mean, they are kinda roundish. Kinda roundish things can roll. If you look around for a good apple, and bump another apple, they all start rolling onto the floor! (This may or may not have happened to me recently.)

Who decided this? I always feel like I’m going to break something when I’m apple picking. They don’t do this with other products...just some of the produce.

It would be like people having to pick out cereal from a bucket. Just a giant bucket of Alpha-Bits in the middle of the aisle. You have to bring a plastic bag to the bucket and start grabbing Bits of Alpha and hope that you don’t drop any on the floor or accidentally lose your phone in the bucket. Then you have to put your kids in there to look for it and make everybody else in the store wait until your kids are done swimming in Alpha-Bits.

Or like having soup come out of a hose. You have to gently turn the faucet on so the soup doesn’t shoot out too fast when you fill a small can that you get at the end of the aisle. Any soup on the floor is just lost! Unless you try to soak it up with a paper towel and squeeze it back into the hose!

Don’t even ask how I got that paper towel! All I can say is that there was a ladder, frozen bacon, and three gum displays.

THAT is what it’s like trying to get an apple from the applestacks!

This is why people don’t eat enough fruits or vegetables. It is impossible to buy them.

But I do it. I put on my baseball mitt and hockey mask and I usually walk away with 3-5 apples.

The mitt is to catch apples. The mask is to frighten other shoppers who want to snag my apples.

I’m off to hose my soup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj