Monday, August 18, 2014

that’s a big penguin

Researchers in Antarctica found a giant penguin. A 6-foot 7-inch tall penguin!

Ok…so it’s not ALIVE. It’s a fossil. They figure it would have been about 250 pounds! How awesome is that!

I want a giant penguin. I have said in the past that I want a pet triceratops that I can ride to work. I still want that. For the summer. I think dinosaurs prefer the summer months. Whenever I see pictures of dinosaurs, they are in very steamy climates.

But, just like your car needs summer and winter tires, I need summer and winter transport! THAT is where Remy comes it.

(Remy is the name of my penguin. In case that wasn’t clear.)

See, penguins slide across the snow and ice without a problem. It will be much easier to get to work in the snow on a penguin. Andromeda can go to Florida and play on the beach. She loves the beach. She’ll run in and out of waves for hours. She also loves Frisbee and theme parks.

(Andromeda is the name of my triceratops. In case that wasn’t clear.)

But while Andromeda is looking around Diagon Alley at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Remy and I will be cruising the snow drifts!  I think that would make more sense because whenever I watch Happy Feet, there’s snow.

I just want to care for my prehistoric animals! And make sure they are in the proper climate even if they aren’t in the proper time period.

That is why I want to see the science from Jurassic Park become a reality. So I can have cool pets to ride to work.

As a bonus, I would like a giant sloth to cuddle with. Because that would be amazing. Bodhi and I would read comic books and eat jelly beans and leaves all day long.

(Bodhi is the name of my giant sloth. In case that wasn’t clear.)

(This name joke is still funny. In case that wasn’t clear.)

I’m off to look for fossils in amber.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 14, 2014

see the sounds

What?! This is crazy! MIT has created sound from vibrations!

Wait…that doesn’t sound crazy when I say it like that. I’ll have to be more specific. A team at MIT wanted to see if they could get audio through visual data. They played music in a room and had a camera record a plant from another sound-proof room. They put the video of the plant into the computer and it was able to translate the vibrations seen by the camera and convert them into sound!

YES! Sound is waves! Waves make things shake! Those shakes can be made into sound!

So if you are paranoid, you might want to get rid of anything that will shake. If somebody put a camera next to your plants, they could record all of your conversations.

Also, you should be paranoid if there is somebody who said they think your plants should be models and they would like to record them. That person is either really into plants or they are a spy. And not a plant spy. A people spy that uses INNOCENT plants to unwittingly divulge secrets about their human caretakers.

Those poor plants. They can’t do anything to fight it because they’re stuck in pots.

Unless you care for your plants like I do, then you don’t have to worry. When they tried to spy on me, my plant protected my honor!

Here is the actual transcript from the plant spy: “I know what you’re doing, camera! You’re trying to find out what my benevolent master is saying! Well, I won’t tell. If it wasn’t for these roots, I would walk over there and sap all over you. That’s right. I’d swat you with so many leaves, your lens would smudge like the mascara from your tears.”

I don’t know why a camera was wearing mascara, but I also don’t know much about spying. I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.

I’m off to get plant videos.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 11, 2014

like it a latte

I have created a latte! My own version of a very cheap latte that I can make at home!

This is NOT fancy at all, but it is getting me very excited. I am feeling very proud of myself for making this.

I like to get iced lattes. They are good. If you don’t know, it’s a shot (I make it a double.) of espresso, milk (I get soy because I like how it sounds), and ice. That's it.

You can get it with flavors and stuff, but I like it naked. The way nature intended it to be!

I have been experimenting with coffee lately. I don’t have a coffee maker, so I was trying the instant stuff. I found one that is pretty good. It’s a French roast. Nice and dark. So that’s cool.

In my experiment, I decided to fake some espresso. I put 2 big spoonfuls of the instant coffee into 2 ounces of water. (A shot is an ounce.) Then microwave it for a minute. Stir that into a cup of milk (Any kind you have. I use almond milk.) and add ice! DONE! You can now call me Mister Barista!

In NO way is this like a real thing. But, it TASTES similar! That’s all that matters! I figured out that this probably costs me a dollar a latte. That is a great deal!

I have decided to open my own coffee shop. I’m going to call it “Poor Me Coffee.” Since this is basically a “poor-man’s” version of real coffee.

Also, I have decided to open more discount-themed businesses. I’ll have the “Slim Gym,” which will be an open room where you can do push-ups and sit-ups or just walk around in circles. No equipment needed!

There will also be a chain of movie theaters called “Blockbusted.” I’ll set up some folding chairs in front of a TV and get free movies from the library. You won’t see new movies, but you’ll be able to stay awake because you can buy cheap lattes. Only a dollar at the concession stand!

I’ll be rich! Well, I mean, I’ll make a few dollars. A poor-man’s rich. So, like, 20 bucks.

I’m off to make tens of dollars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 7, 2014

applecatcher

There’s a lot in life that I don’t understand. Things that seem very common to some people, but I don’t get AT ALL.

I love apples. So I buy them a lot. But! They are precariously stacked at the store! What’s the deal with this crazy applestacking thing?! Why don’t they put some sort of barrier or wall at the bottom of the stack?

I mean, they are kinda roundish. Kinda roundish things can roll. If you look around for a good apple, and bump another apple, they all start rolling onto the floor! (This may or may not have happened to me recently.)

Who decided this? I always feel like I’m going to break something when I’m apple picking. They don’t do this with other products...just some of the produce.

It would be like people having to pick out cereal from a bucket. Just a giant bucket of Alpha-Bits in the middle of the aisle. You have to bring a plastic bag to the bucket and start grabbing Bits of Alpha and hope that you don’t drop any on the floor or accidentally lose your phone in the bucket. Then you have to put your kids in there to look for it and make everybody else in the store wait until your kids are done swimming in Alpha-Bits.

Or like having soup come out of a hose. You have to gently turn the faucet on so the soup doesn’t shoot out too fast when you fill a small can that you get at the end of the aisle. Any soup on the floor is just lost! Unless you try to soak it up with a paper towel and squeeze it back into the hose!

Don’t even ask how I got that paper towel! All I can say is that there was a ladder, frozen bacon, and three gum displays.

THAT is what it’s like trying to get an apple from the applestacks!

This is why people don’t eat enough fruits or vegetables. It is impossible to buy them.

But I do it. I put on my baseball mitt and hockey mask and I usually walk away with 3-5 apples.

The mitt is to catch apples. The mask is to frighten other shoppers who want to snag my apples.

I’m off to hose my soup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 4, 2014

pie from the sky


I don’t claim to understand what’s happening between North and South Korea. I know they don’t talk much. Well, maybe they talk a lot, but not all the words are very nice.

The North runs a pretty tight ship. The South is a little more free-wheelin. (A term I probably won’t ever use again. That’s not true, I love it.)

Clearly, I know almost nothing about Korea. So don’t use me as a resource when writing your Social Studies paper.

I DO know that the South loves to make Choco Pies! They’re basically a Moon Pie. Two slices of cake with marshmallow in the middle and then covered with chocolate. If you never had one, it’s delicious!

They used to deliver these to the North all the time because, as stated earlier, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. But the North has decided that Choco Pies are now banned as a symbol of capitalism. I have no idea why. Are CEOs paid with pastries?! How did I not know this?! I need to become a CEO!

The South decided that they could not live with that! They put 10,000 Choco Pies into balloons to fly over to the North and give the people Choco Pies!

Why can’t every conflict be fought this way?! It would be so much better!

General: “The bear claws are closing in on the border. What can we do?”

Major: “I don’t know, sir. They’ve put IEDs everywhere!”

General: “Hmmm…improvised eclair desserts. Not bad. They’re sloppy, but effective. We should start with a flan attack. If that doesn’t work, get the tarts ready. And if all else fails…we macaroon at noon.

Major: “Sir…you can’t be serious. What if they have jelly beans? What if they have pecans?! Pie, sir! What about their pie?!”

General: “Major! You will do as I say! We are at war…we live with the decisions we make. And regret the decisions we make. Every. Single. Day.

It’s a tough life dealing with confectionery conflicts and buttery battles.

I’m off to alliterate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, July 31, 2014

chocolate pudding fruit

That’s a thing. A real thing. It’s called a Black Sapote. BUT it is also known as Chocolate Pudding Fruit!

When I heard about this, I almost exploded from excitement. Literally. It’s happened before, so I know what it feels like when it almost happens.

Then I got skeptical. Because, you know, you would THINK a fruit that tastes like chocolate would SELL LIKE A FRUIT THAT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE.

It’s a decent fruit. Pretty high in fiber. Vitamin A and C. But does it taste like chocolate pudding?!

Well…maybe. Since I can’t really find this fruit anywhere, I looked it up online. Most people seem to say that it has a mild chocolate flavor. Though, somebody said it was like pear/banana combo. A pearana? Banear?

One person said it might be psychological because it LOOKS just like chocolate pudding. You can’t eat the skin, so you cut it open, and chocolate pudding is in there!

This is like peeling an orange and a finding whipped cream!

Or opening a watermelon and finding a puppy!

Or cutting open an apple to find out it’s filled with love and gummy bears!

So yes, this fruit does exist. But it’s not quite the miracle we thought. I would still like to try it.

Even if it doesn’t taste just like chocolate, it can’t be as bad as cutting a mango.

Yes. I’m still bitter. Like arugula.

I’m off to peel a banana to see what’s inside. I hope it's a rainbow.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 28, 2014

star gecko into darkness

Russia sent a satellite of geckos into space. They lost it for a few days, but it’s back. They did this to study the mating habits of geckos. In space. Because this is important research!

Here’s why this scares me. What if these geckos are mating in space and create new space geckos that can grow bigger than any gecko we’ve ever seen! Like, Godzilla sized!

Sound silly? These things happen! Just look at Godzilla!

There is a strong possibility that they will land on Earth and try to take over the planet with their sticky feet! They can climb up buildings and walls, so there is no way to keep them out!

They will demand that we make them our rulers using their adorable Australian accents. Then they’ll say, “15 minutes could save YOUR LIFE.”

Get it?! Because they’ll give us 15 minutes to submit to them. Geckos love to get things done in 15 minutes.

Also, who knows what happened when the satellite of love went missing! Do you know? I certainly don’t! It might have gone through a black hole that is connected to another dimension and a gecko baby was born there and evolved into a creature, let’s call it a Kaiju, that wants to get back to Earth and finds a way through a hole in the Pacific Ocean!

Then I’ll have to actually build my Jaeger (named Cafe Tortuga) to fight off these Kaiju who are only trying to come back home because we sent them into space to go on a date!

I’m sorry if this got a little scary. I didn’t mean to talk about giant geckos all day. But we live in scary times, so it’s better that you hear it from me than getting rumors from non-lizards on the street.

I’m off to save 15%. Or more.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj