Monday, July 21, 2014

powder my beverage

Nestle has decided to make a machine that will give you all the nutrients you need with the push of a button. It’s being researched now at the NIHS. No, not the National Institute for Highway Safety. That’s just silly. It’s the Nestle Institute of Health Sciences. (Yes. They have an institute.)

I wonder if that was there when they invented Nesquik (previously known as Nestle Quik)?

Scientist 1: “Milk isn’t chocolaty enough.”

Scientist 2: “I agree. And it’s not pink enough. What could we do to make it pinker?”

Scientist 3: “Let’s make a chocolate powder to add to it! And a strawberry powder! And it will be healthier!”

Scientist 1: “That’s not a bad idea! Wait…who are you? You don’t work here! And why do you have a giant ‘N’ on your necklace?”

Scientist 2: (Grabbing his lab coat and hat) “It’s a bunny!

Quik Bunny: “You can’t catch me! I’m Quik!”

Then history was made with tastier milk and safer speeds on the highway.

This new product will, in theory, scan your body and let you know what nutrients you’re missing. Then it will make a powder of some sort, because that’s what Nestle does, that you add to your milk to give you a healthy day!

They call it “Iron Man.” I have no idea why. I mean, it’s slightly more like a Replicator from Star Trek. It doesn’t create a suit of armor to fight evil with, it creates a food to eat.

Well, not food. Powder. Because the Quik Bunny is now in charge of Nestle and EVERY idea has to involve powder.

His new jingle is, “If you can’t add it to milk, and you can’t make it Quik, YOU’RE FIRED because you make me sick!”

He’s pretty ruthless. Seriously, you can't powder ruth, so it's just completely gone.

I’m off to milk my powder.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

sense of smell-touch

Apparently there are olfactory sensors on your skin. So when you stink after a vigorous workout at the gym, your whole body smells how funky you are!

If you are interested in smelling the pineapple at the store, just start rubbing it on your arm.

Or if you smell some cookies and want to get a good whiff, just go to the counter of the bakery and start rubbing the cookies on your stomach.

It’s not weird at all if you do that because that’s how it works.

Maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea. I guess a scientist in Germany decided to look at what your skin’s sense of smell could actually do, so he got some skin cells and some different scents and got to smelling!

Turns out sandalwood worked wonders! The scent helped the skin to heal!

Well, not sandalwood exactly, but Sandalore, which is used in sandalwood candles.

Sandalore! That’s fun to say. It sounds like a mythical city off the coast of a warm island where everybody wears sandals.

Mythical Leader: “Welcome to Sandalore, my friend! You found our hidden city in the sea! Here is your strappy, breathable footwear!”

Me: “I much prefer sneakers.”

Mythical Leader: “YOU ARE BANISHED FOREVER! Go find Shangri-La!”

I guess getting a sandalwood candle won’t heal all your wounds, though. They used concentrations about 1,000 times stronger than your average candle.

But maybe next time I’m sick, I’ll buy 1,000 sandalwood candles and light them all in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll be healthy in minutes!

Unless the smoke causes an issue. They didn’t do a study on that.

I’m off to buy out Yankee Candle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 14, 2014

optimus prime press pass

The Associated Press is a large news company. Whenever you see “AP” at the beginning of an article, you know that the Associated Press wrote it.

They do stories about everything and everywhere. Then other news people can print them for a fee. So they can PAY the reporters doing the news about everything and everywhere! At least, I have heard that OTHER people who write stuff get paid monies. I get paid in occasional compliments from my mother. The only person who reads this. Hi mom.

Well! They are going to start letting robots do some of the work! That’s right! They’ve hired robots to take care of reporting the news.

So instead of “Human Interest” stories, we’ll see “Robot Interest” stories. Like stories about how child star Johnny 5 managed his life so well that he now runs most of the Segway tours across America.

What they are actually doing is letting the robots just get data from very things like business numbers and baseball scores and report it immediately so humans can spend more time doing the in-depth reporting about business numbers and baseball scores.

Now this might sound all fine and spiffy-dandy, but not if you listen to Louis Del Monte! Who, sadly, has nothing to do with fruit.

He says that robots will take over the Earth by 2045! (Surely due to excellent reporting.) Machines will become smarter than humans and realize that humans are getting in the way of building more robots (to write the news), so they’ll make us into subservient cyborgs!

Why? They’ll see us as a threat because we can create computer viruses. Though, couldn’t an evil robot just make a computer virus as well? So…aren’t they a threat to themselves?

Yes. So they’ll have these giant robot wars! The world will become a Michael Bay movie! Michael Bay will become a cyborg that can keep making movies with no plot and lots of explosions! And robots will see them because of robot nostalgia! Michael Bay will rule the world until a small group of independent film-makers/computer virus-writers make a movie that touches the human heart and destroys the robot’s mainframe! They’ll call it The Humanator! It will be rated PG-13! For strong language and some violence!

I’m off to take a Segway tour of the AP.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, July 11, 2014

do you exist

I read a really interesting study about the likelihood of your existence. And mine, too. All of us!

This isn’t all existential. This is more like math. One guy said that the chances of you being born are about one in 400 trillion. That is, the odds of your parents meeting and then you being born at a particular time and all that stuff.

But! One scientist actually looked at it even FURTHER! He looked at MORE odds. Like the chances of your grandparents and great grandparents and every parent ever meeting! The fact that they met and then met again and got married and had children and so on and so on and so on!

He said, “The odds that you exist at all are basically zero.”

WHOA. Did your mind just get blown? It did.

So do we really exist?

Ha! I’m kidding. You do. I’m going to say that I actually exist because I’m here eating pistachios, getting salt on my keyboard, drinking coffee, pretending that my pet dragon is napping in the corner. That means I exist.

But the odds of me having this moment are so small that I should really treasure it! And so should you!

I know…this is getting very “uplifting.” But seriously! Think about it! You’re impossible! Yet, you’re here! Pretty cool, right?!

I promise I won’t try to be all positive for a long time. If you miss the craziness, just read the last post about being angry at mangos. It’s much more entertaining.

But, if you’re feeling a little grumbly, this might make you feel a little more giggly.

In a completely unrelated study that I made up, the odds of your Netflix freezing up during an important part of Breaking Bad are about 100% Totally Going To Happen.

You might be a miracle, but your internet speed is not.

I’m off to exist by not existing.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, July 7, 2014

nothing to hold flu back

A professor in Wisconsin has created a deadly flu virus. YEP! He did! For funsies!

He took the H1N1 virus that caused so many problems a few years ago and “genetically manipulated” it. He wanted to make it so the human immune system had no chance of stopping it.

Because that’s what people do in Wisconsin. You know, when they’re not leading the nation in cheese production, visiting the House on the Rock, or playing at one of their uniquely themed mini golf courses.

Isn’t this the beginning of some sort of apocalyptic thriller movie? Or the latest Planet of the Apes movie?

Whatever it is, who does that?!

Professor 1: “I love scansion. Don’t you? I find it STRESSES some people out, but that’s just SILLY-ble! Ha!”

Professor 2: “I made a flu that humans can’t fight.”

Professor 1: “Wow. This conversation did NOT go the way I was thinking. Like, AT ALL.”

Professor 2: “Sorry, I was trying to think of a flu pun, but nothing came up.”

Professor 1: “Well, it rhymes with ‘you,’ so any phrase with ‘you’ in it should work.”

Professor 2: “How about, ‘Flu had me at hello?’ Since, you know, you don’t have an immunity to this flu. It just takes you over.”

Professor 1: “It’s not the best I’ve heard, but…wait, what is going on here?!”

And the rest is history. Well, not history yet. It will be history after Bruce Willis goes back in time to stop the virus. Or something. I don’t think I’ve ever watched 12 Monkeys, but I think that’s what happens.

Or is that Looper?

Bruce! Stay in one year! Sheesh!

Anyway, hopefully this professor just wanted to find a way to fight the unfightable flu.

I’m off to look at verse with or without flu.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

it’s knit woven

I was looking at my shirts the other day and wondering why they are different. This might be common knowledge to most people, I don’t know. But if it is NOT, then you are in for a treat!

I know my button-up shirts are made of cotton. The tag tells me that. I ALSO know that my t-shirts are made of cotton. Right! Because of the magical tag! It's tagical!

But! The button-ups are not nearly as comfy as the t-shirts! They’re not whooshy! The button-up shirts are very stiff and don’t move around as easily and I couldn’t figure out why.

I mean, they’re both 100% cotton! Completely cotton! There is nothing but cotton on these shirts! I bet the tags and buttons are made of cotton! Because they are 100% COTTON.

So why the difference? Well…this took some intense online research. I couldn’t figure out the best way to search for it because NOTHING was coming up. Sometimes I confoogle google.

Finally, I thought of underwear. Yes! Underwear saved the day! I remembered that Hanes has different kinds of boxers. Some are like a t-shirt and some are like a button-up. So I went to their website to find out what they called them.

Wovens and knits. THAT is the difference! It has to do with HOW they connect the cotton! Knits can stretch a lot more. Making them much whooshier. Woven cottons are made to nonwhoosh.

Now you know. And now I know. I still don’t know why they don’t make knit button-up shirts. Knit-shirts are so much more comfortable! They move with me. And if you know me, I gots crazy moves.

I’m like an octopus with a beat.

You have an iPod? I have a cephaloPod.

Boom to the loom. Take THAT cotton.

I’m off to knit and weave.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj