This year did NOT start calm and collected like previous years! Which is odd, because starting off normal is a GREAT way to begin a story before things get Completely Out Of Hand!
As soon as we thought Atnas (Santa’s evil doppelganger) was lost in time and/or space, he showed up! Being able to show up anywhen and anywhere gave Atnas ample time to show up exactly where and when he needed to! Before the psychic goose was even able to warn us what was coming!
Also, it gave him ampler time to assemble cyborg elves! With adorable hats that were full of evil and expired pudding!
Luckily, Atnas appeared as I was having tea with Santa, Cupid, and Liliane Lafleur. Liliane is a tenth level tea maker and banned in three solar systems for her knowledge of herbs AND spices. She also makes a mean gingerbread house.
The battle lasted four months! This is why Valentine’s Day was so “meh” this year.
Cupid made a call out to Cherub Force Six to help out with the cyborg elves. Santa and I used Sassy Kung-Fu to hold Atnas at bay. Liliane sat calmly. Partly because she’s a mellow tea drinker. Mostly because she was mixing herbs and spices into a GIANT SWORD OF TEA.
Using this sword, she was able to put Atnas and the cyborgs into a deep state of relaxation. (Yes, cyborgs can relax.) We trapped Atnas in a mean gingerbread house with no doors. In Africa. When I said “mean” earlier, I literally meant that it was not nice.
Then the middle of the year got dark. Like, REALLY dark. Very black and gloomy. Like a set of black dinnerware. The less said about the dark times, the better.
Then holiday spices started coming out in October. And for someone like Atnas, those are like smelling salts. He woke up and made a phone call.
Yeah, the gingerbread house was mean, but not SO mean that we didn’t put a phone in it. Next time we won’t be so communicatively kind.
Atnas burst out of the gingerbread house after calling Dipuc for help! (Dipuc is Cupid’s evil doppelganger.)
I didn’t even notice right away because it was during the solar eclipse and they knew that would hide the escape. But soon molasses started raining from the sky and I could sense something was wrong.
I FaceTimed Santa to let him know that we needed to save Christmas again! We sent a courier pigeon to get Cupid. Then, got on our transdimensional giraffe and landed in Africa to meet Atnas.
I don’t know if you met Imani. He’s a great giraffe. He was a normal giraffe once, but he accidentally walked into a multidimensional tree and got a splinter. Which stings on so many levels. But it gave him transdimensional travelling powers...and the ability to talk to trees. I understand half of it. The other half boggles me.
On our way, we picked up Liliane, who just got married to Pierre. You can read about the marriage in their Christmas letter.
Pierre is an expert harksman. Like a marksman, but with Harks. Like what the Herald Angels sing.
Unfortunately, harking is hard with molasses everywhere. It totally sticks to the Herald Angels’ wings.
Imani had an umbrella, because you should always carry an umbrella. He held it up very high using his tall neck and kept us dry from the raining molasses!
Pierre harked all over Atnas and Dipuc totally knocking them out.
During the fight, the rest of us created a mean gingerbread house with NO phone, doors, or windows. The frosting sealing the sides was made of a salty sugar. And the gumdrop bushes created a force field of love around the house.
Since Atnas and Dipuc hate love, it keeps them trapped.
Now it is almost Christmas and we are safe. Valentine’s Day should be good next year, too.
That was my year. Barely had time to breathe. I did enjoy a lot of veggies and hummus, though. So it wasn’t all bad.
I’m off to get a lighter set of dinnerware.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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