robot hunting

Police in Florida have created robot deer! See, there's a problem with people hunting out of season and this is their plan to solve it. The robots just sit there looking all deery and when a hunter (not following the hunting season laws) shoots it, the deer will transform into a police officer and arrest the hunter! (Transformation may not actually be true.)

The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.

Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn't happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.

Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It's so easy!

Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don't worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.

But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!

Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn't hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.

I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that's the sort of risk I take. You don't accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.

Though, the ad DID say "Cakewalkers Needed." And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.

Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.

I'm dangerous like that.

I'm off to transform into a deer.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the greatish escape

I love my neighborhood. I've only lived in a few places, but I've always been lucky. There is always something...unexpected...waiting for me.

Like a mattress on the bushes. As you know, I'm a fan of the mattress on a car. Because, as stated in an earlier blog, you take a nap on it and the car will drive you home. Or a candy store. Either is fine.

But the mattress and box spring on the bushes confuzzles me. It's those TALL bushes that people use as a fence-like property boundary thing. Privacy shrubbery.

Then, I figured it out! An escape plan! I've watched movies where people have to climb over a barbwire fence and they put something over the sharpies so they don't get hurt.

Have you ever tried to run through bushes? They're sharp! So to avoid all the blood lossery, somebody threw a mattress on the top of the bushes and climbed over!

Take that blood! You're staying in the body!

I'm not sure WHO needed to escape from that house, but I DO have a theory.

In my head, there is this dog and cat who have been working on a comedy act. It's pretty hilarious. (It is in my head, at least.) But the house has one of those laser fences that you can't see. The dog and the cat dragged the mattress (and box spring) out of the house and threw it on top of the bushes and then escaped!

Now they're on the road trying to make it big.

In my head, they make tons of money and I'm their agent. But we only talk on the phone because I'm allergic to them.

My carrots are not good today. That has nothing to do with the story in my head. It has everything to do with the carrots in my Gladware. They are gross.

I wouldn't even give them to my animal clients. Because I'm a good agent.

I'm off to shrub the yard...and buy new carrots.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj