now you’re cooking with a dry heat

A friend of mine was making roast beef. I know this because she texted me a picture of it. I actually find this very exciting because I had no idea she could roast anything. Not that I didn’t have faith in her roasting abilities, but I just never saw her do it before.

But she totally ROASTED that beef!

These are the conversations I have with my friends. And I love them! When she told me about the beef roasting, I replied that I honestly had no idea what roasting meant.

I don’t cook. Ever. I have no patience for it. I make toast. I told her I could probably make toast beef. She suggested I do not do that.

But why not? It’s the same basic idea! I looked it up online! Roasting is just putting meat in a dry heat! Not only meat, but root vegetables can be roasted as well. (According to Wikipedia.)

Why can’t I just buy some yams and slice them up and put them in the toaster? Maybe grab a few slices of bologna and put them in there as well?

I know. That’s just silly. A toaster wouldn’t work because of the angle of input. You can’t put sliced meat in a toaster that way. Gravity would get in the way and it would probably just get all folded up on the bottom and possibly clog the toaster.

But, seeing as I’m a practical man, I would use a toaster OVEN.

My toaster oven even came with a little tray. I could probably just put everything on the tray and push the button and I would have a roasted/toasted dinner in just a few minutes!

I’m sure I could roast other things. Beef is kinda boring. I might roast an apple. Or a banana. Maybe some almonds. OH! People roast chestnuts!

An open fire is pretty much the same thing as a toaster oven!

Golly…my holiday parties are going to be the best.

I’m off to toast some sliced meat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

a toast to toast

I love toast. I’ve said it a million times. It’s amazing. It’s ALWAYS amazing. It’s a magical food that magically appears from bread. Magically. It’s so good!

Apparently, I’m not the only person who loves toast! Because now you can get “artisanal toast” at special toast cafes! From toast baristas. (Baristoasts?) It’ll only cost $3-$4 to get a perfect piece of toast.

I know what you’re thinking. That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as unperfect toast. And I would agree with you.

That’s it. I really do agree with you.

I guess I should say more to defend these places, so I’ll give you some details. They are making it with special breads and fancy toppings. And they put on these toppings with so much care, that you probably don’t want to eat the food. Just look at its beauty.

That’s fine. Go for it. I don’t eat food because it’s pretty. I eat food so I don’t die. At least, that’s what I’ve been told would happen if I don’t eat food. I’ve never actually tried it. I’m too scared.

And this isn’t like some extreme sport where it’s fun and they say you COULD die. This is a risk that has a guarantee that you WILL die.

I like to live on the edge. But LIVE is the important part.

I suppose I can understand if you don’t want to buy a whole loaf of European Winter Wheat bread (only grown in winter and stone ground during the coldest day of the year) and a whole jar of strawberry jam made from Russian strawberries that were grown in blankets made of alpaca fur. Something like that might be better to just get by the slice and knife. (That’s a good name for a toast café!)

Making artisanal stuff is very popular these days. I recently wrote about a guy who makes artisanally sharpened pencils by hand.

Maybe I should artisanalate something. Like dental floss. I’d make every strand by hand. That could be my motto! And I’ll open up a floss bar where you come and floss with different flavored strands! $10 a visit! I’ll be rich AND help dental hygiene!

I’m off to get flossy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the royal society of chemistry

Sounds like an official place, right?! Like, the King and Queen of the Periodic Table! (Written Ki and Qu.) Making decrees and such about chemicals!

“I decree that yttrium is totally fun to say and we will celebrate it today!”

Done! It’s decreed! You can’t fight it because chemistry and decrees always win!

Okay, so you know about the Royal Society of Chemistry. Do you know about the British Cheese Board? It’s not a wooden board for cutting cheese. It’s an actual group of people who promote cheese. Yes. This is real.

I know this doesn’t make sense yet, but it will...I think.

The British Cheese Board (BCB) cannot figure out cheese on toast. They are having a competition where people will send in their recipes on how to make cheese on toast.

I am NOT making this up.

I believe I have a solution to their problem. Put cheese on toast. Done.

I guess it's more complicated in Britain. They are going to get recipes from the citizens and then send the top eight (which I imagine will all consist of cheese going on toast) to the Royal Society of Chemistry. For scientific testing.

Again, ALL OF THIS IS TRUE. Are we done with using chemistry for something useful? Is Cheeseontoastium the newest element on the Periodic Table?

I hope the British Peanut Butter Board knows about this. They should team up with the Royal Society of Physicists to discover the secrets of the universe. But only if you send them your peanut butter on toast recipes. They’re having trouble figuring that out.

Luckily they know how to put jam on their toast. That’s actually how we keep the Earth from crashing into the sun. Thanks to the British Jam Board and the Royal Society of Solarists.

Imagine the secrets we’d discover if they started the British Hummus Board! (I know, I’m blowing your mind! And using the same joke too many times!)

I’m off to cheese my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

in the mood for food that's good

Make sure you say "good" like "food" and "mood." It's funner that way.

I sometimes think that I should start my own food blog. Not that anyone reads my non-food blog. And not that anyone likes any of the food choices I make. But, I do often write about my adventures in fooding because every new food experience is an adventure!

Sometimes it ends with a new favorite food. Other times...well...my tummy doesn't like me so much and questions my decisions.

I DID try some new things recently that I encourage you all to do. Today. And again tomorrow.

Apples and hummus! Not just ANY hummus. SUPER HUMMUS! I found this stuff the other day because I was looking to get into hummus. I know I've had it before and I've always liked it, but I never really kept up with it. We casually hung out, but I wanted to make us a little more BFFy. Luckily, I found Super Hummus.

I like to think that if Superman or The Hulk or Wolverine had a hankerin' for hummus, they would eat Super Hummus. Therefore, since I'm part super, I had to buy Super Hummus.

Now that I AM a regular hummuser, I decided to go off the vegetable path and try it with an apple. Bear with me, it gets a little complicated here. It tasted good...after the first few slices. See, the apple had to dry a little before it was good. It started too juicy and that didn't work well with the hummus.

As you may or may not know, I've been experimenting with peanut butter and honey. I love the combination of the two. I also love cinnamon. The word and the spice. One of my favorite things to say is "cinnamon in it."

Go ahead. Say it really fast. Fun, isn't it! I can't stop saying it! Cinnamoninit!

Now I CAN say it all the time! My mom suggested some honey AND cinnamon AND peanut butter on toast. Four of my favorite things combined! My mom is a genius. It is amazing!

And now, if I ever have company that wants a snack, I will make this for them. Wanna know why? I'll show you...

You/Guest: "This is great! How did you get toast to taste so fun?"

Me: "It has cinnamon in it!"

You/Guest: "CINNAMONINIT!"

As a bonus, I just found out that "Toast To Taste" is also really fun to say.

I'm off to toast to taste cinnamon in it.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

for crying out loud

For crying out loud, you get a lot of attention! And you also start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which grammar people LOVE.

Grammatical sarcasm aside, I heard somebody say "for crying out loud" the other day and I started repeating it to myself trying to figure out what it could possibly mean. We say it so fast when we actually use it.

"Did you get your candy yet?"

"Halloween is still 7 months away, fercryinoutloud!"

(By the way, buying Halloween candy should be done every day of the year. It's candy. It's good. Eat it every day.)

Or maybe it's for getting prizes!

"For crying out loud, you will get our award for Out Loudness!"

"Since everybody else in class cried internally, you get the Cry Award for crying out loud!"

Everybody cheers! Some internally.

Prepositional exclamatory phrases aside, I really didn't have much else to talk about.

Well, I DID try something new. I love cutting up an apple and eating it with peanut butter. LOVE IT. I ALSO love peanut butter and toast.

Since I enjoy honey and jam and jelly on toast, I decided to try honey and jam and jelly on apple slices! Separately.

They were ok. They didn't taste bad, kinda just...there. Not NEARLY as exciting as peanut butter and apple!

So yeah...nothing special. My life can't always be exciting, for crying out loud!

I'm off to cry internally. Which sounds really, really sad.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sweetened condensed milk

If I had a band, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I wrote a book, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had a child, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had anything that I was allowed to name, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk! Because it's so much fun to say!

I have never actually tasted sweetened condensed milk until recently. It's true! I've heard about it. People whisper about it on the street and there are legends about it in ancient Brazilian temples, but I've never tasted its goopness.

Now I have. I decided to try it because it always sounded good. I mean...it's sweetened! So really, how could it not be good!

I bought a can. I didn't know WHAT to do with it. I went to the library, but got distracted. I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say I have a lot of DVDs reserved right now.

I then looked for recipes online. THAT is where I found it. Toast. That magical marvel of bread when its atomic structure changes from Br to To.

Safety Note: Do NOT put Bromine Br into a toaster. Bread Br is ok. Bromine Br will probably kill you. And it will not turn into toast. It will just turn into you dead.

In Asia, they put sweetened condensed milk on toast all the time! I tried it and it's awesome!

I had no idea that it was so much fun to say AND eat!

If your weekend is getting boring and you're looking to add to your periodic table of the condiments, get some sweetened condensed milk!

Then just yell it out for fun! SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK!

I'm off to To my Br. (Again, NOT Bromine)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

magic with sprinkles

People in 1936 were very spoiled. And I'm SO glad they were!

Toast was not good enough for them. Toast is one of the most magical foods EVER. It's not just "cooked bread." Nope, bread goes through a complete genetic change and becomes toast in a magical machine called a "toaster."

It's the only food I eat that changes its name when heated.

Well...magic wasn't enough for people in 1936. NOPE! They said, "Wow...this toast is pretty magical, but wouldn't it be more magical with sprinkles?"

And the world said YES!

They created chocolate sprinkles to put on toast. You got it! THAT is the reason we have chocolate sprinkles today.

So the next time you get some ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, stare deeply at the sprinkles settling on that mound of ice cream and say, "Thank you toast. Without you, these scoops of ice cream would be less sprinkly and more melty."

Say it really loudly, too. It will be funny. And educational to all the people who do not know the history of the chocolate sprinkle.

I think if I were a pony, I would like to change my name to Chocolate Sprinkle. Or Toast.

Both are pretty awesome.

I'm off to sprinkle my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bread on the side of the road

That's what I saw. Just an innocent loaf of bread. On the side of the road. It was so sad.

I love bread. I used to eat bread raw. Right out of the bag. I know, you like to cook it first, but I was a crazy kid.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I do cook it. Most of the time. Sometimes, late at night, when I'm craving something naughty, I'll just open a bag of bread and start eating.

I know! I'm wild!

But that's me.

I was tempted to stop and pick up that lonely loaf of bread. I was THIS CLOSE to doing it.

I just adore bread. All kinds, too! Wheat, honey oat, 12-grain, 9-grain, oatmeal, yummy, all of them!

Cook it in the toaster or just eat it out of the bag! It's good stuff!

I don't know who invented bread, but that was a smart person. I bet it was Einstein or Curie or Tesla or something. They were smart and all of them liked fields of wheat.

Next time you pick up a loaf of bread, think of me.

Then think of a banana wearing a cape. Because that's really funny.

I'm off to save some banana bread.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj