stay out of the water

This is crazy. The Ukrainian Navy trains dolphins to detect mines, plant explosives and (according to reports) attack enemy divers using "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols."

You read that right. These dolphins wear knife-hats and know how to use them.

Unfortunately, the Ukrainians lost their killer dolphins. YEP! LOST THEM. They are now roaming the seven seas detecting mines, planting explosives and looking for enemy divers to attack WITH KNIFE-HATS!

I totally believe this. Have you ever had dinner with some narwhals and have a dolphin show up? It's awkward.

Narwhals can be snooty and dolphins sometimes feel insecure that they don't also have a unicorn horn. I know many dolphins who would jump through hoops for the chance to wear a knife attachment!

Who knows where they could be or what they're doing. They could be plotting a plot that involves world domination!

Or they could just be poking around looking for fish.

But most likely world domination!

Hence the need for a unicorn army to defend the world! And if we can't find unicorns, we will train horses to wear "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols" to protect us. I'm pretty sure that's what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ride on.

Unless they lost them. Which would be bad. Because if the horses and the dolphins have gone rogue, all we have left to rely on is ourselves and we can't be trusted.

Or can we...DUN DUN DUNNNNN! (I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I'm off to specially adapt a head mount.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj