planet looking for a good home

Do you think you have what it takes to care for a planet? Will you feed it, take it for walks, clean up after it, protect it from solar flares or attacks from Galactus?

If you think you can handle that responsibility, then have I got a planet for you!

A company called Uwingu is allowing YOU to adopt planets! You give them money for the adoption and they use that money for space research. I have NO idea what authority they have over the naming of planets.

Actually...none. The International Astronomical Union isn't really taking these names seriously. So, I guess it just depends on who stays in business longer. Uwingu or IAU. (If you adopt a planet, you better hope it's Uwingu!)

If I had a planet, I would name it Mogo. It would save the universe over and over again. Because that's what a Green Lantern does. (That's funny to somebody.)

Of course, if you don't want to raise a planet, but would rather LIVE on it, you can buy land from some guy in Nevada!

Yes, he "claims" to have "claimed" the planets in our solar system AND the moon. Apparently, the Outer Space Treaty (which is real) says that nations cannot claim land on the planets. But it said nothing about private businesses. So this guy said, "I owns it." in 1968 and, well, he now owns it.

600 million and 11 acres of the moon have been sold. For $19.99 an acre. 325 million acres have been sold on Mars. That's a little more expensive at $22.49 an acre.

The lesson I learned today? I should totally claim that I own something completely ridiculous so I can make tons of money selling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to people.

Oh, by the way, I own a magical land in the clouds with unicorn stables. So, if you'd like to buy one cloud-land, it'll only cost you $100. Unicorn stables are $200.

You're on your own trying to get there.

I'm off to make my millions.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fairy circles

I love the name Fairy Circles! It makes me think of the "circle of friends" we might have.

You: "Do you know Demeter?"

Me: "Yeah! She's pretty well known in baking circles. I never hang out with her though."

You: "Why not?"

Me: "I usually hang in fairy circles. I'm also well known in rainbow circles, unicorn circles, and pi circles."

You: "That's awesome."

Me: "I know."

Fairy Circles are in Africa. They are circles in the desert where grass grows around a dead patch of dirt.  Researchers have found that it's probably termites who do this. I'm pretty sure that it's fairies, though.

Because it's in the name. And why would you name something that it isn't? That would be like calling a piano "Frank." It's just silly and doesn't make any sense.

Luckily, you have me to make sense of things.

Unless termites are fairies! Oh my stars and garters! Could it be?!

Both termites and fairies fly, can survive anything, grant wishes, and live in circles!

I think I just made a scientific discovery today. Quite possibly changing the world forever.

You’re welcome.

I'm off to make more science.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stay out of the water

This is crazy. The Ukrainian Navy trains dolphins to detect mines, plant explosives and (according to reports) attack enemy divers using "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols."

You read that right. These dolphins wear knife-hats and know how to use them.

Unfortunately, the Ukrainians lost their killer dolphins. YEP! LOST THEM. They are now roaming the seven seas detecting mines, planting explosives and looking for enemy divers to attack WITH KNIFE-HATS!

I totally believe this. Have you ever had dinner with some narwhals and have a dolphin show up? It's awkward.

Narwhals can be snooty and dolphins sometimes feel insecure that they don't also have a unicorn horn. I know many dolphins who would jump through hoops for the chance to wear a knife attachment!

Who knows where they could be or what they're doing. They could be plotting a plot that involves world domination!

Or they could just be poking around looking for fish.

But most likely world domination!

Hence the need for a unicorn army to defend the world! And if we can't find unicorns, we will train horses to wear "specially-adapted head-mounted knives or pistols" to protect us. I'm pretty sure that's what the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ride on.

Unless they lost them. Which would be bad. Because if the horses and the dolphins have gone rogue, all we have left to rely on is ourselves and we can't be trusted.

Or can we...DUN DUN DUNNNNN! (I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I'm off to specially adapt a head mount.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

use the force to petition

Did you know that you can make a petition for ANYTHING?! Seriously! The government just lets you post it online and if you get 25,000 signatures, they have to respond to you!

Is it just me, or is this a great waste of the government's time? I mean, there have to be THOUSANDS of ridiculous petitions on there. And with people able to share things to millions of other people instantly, you can probably get 25,000 signatures before lunch time.

YES! Lunch time! Maybe not my lunch time because I eat lunch early. But normal people lunch. Like, 12pm EST. I generally eat lunch around 12pm EDT. No...wait...reverse that...I think.

I eat lunch early because I wake up early. Yeah. That's a simpler way to put it.

One person petitioned the government to make a Death Star. Just like the one from Star Wars. It got over 35,000 signatures. Therefore, we have to build one.

No...wait...I have that wrong. That means they have to RESPOND to it! And I encourage you to find the response because it's amazing. It's from Paul Shawcross. The (get ready, it's a long title) Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget.

Turns out it would cost $850 quadrillion. YEP! Quadrillion!

According to Paul, we have "a President who knows his way around a light saber." I mean, I saw pictures of Obama wielding a light saber, but I thought they were fake! Now I know they are real! And since he was riding a unicorn in one of those pictures, I also now know that unicorns are real and the President has a whole stable of them!

Sadly, there will be no Death Star. Paul says that we already have an International Space Station. Which doesn't blow up planets, but does allow us to float. Eh...I guess that's pretty cool.

I'm off to write a few (hundred) petitions.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

dinosaur meat

When dinosaurs return to the living, (That's right. WHEN. Because they will be back. IF they aren't back already???) which one would you eat?

That's what somebody tried to figure out. I found this article and it's awful! Dinosaurs should NEVER be eaten! They should be treated as equals!

IF you are curious, they say we would probably want herbivores. Because most of the meat we eat now comes from herbivores. And they make for a better meat.

Want good white meat? Try some armored dinosaurs.

Hadrosaurs would be good for red meat since they were on the move a lot.

But again, don't eat dinosaurs! If any dinosaur is reading this, I fully support your return to the world and would never eat you so you should make me a king of people-dinosaur relations.

Now, if dinosaurs return and are not intelligent enough to run governments (even though I'm hopeful they will be), then we should treat them like beloved pets.

Every day I would play fetch with my T-Rex. I would take my Apatosaurus for the best walks ever!

And I would ride my Triceratops all over town! Because Triceratopses LOVE going for a daily ride. They're like horses. Or unicorns. But with three horns. A tricorn.

I love this world of dinosaurs.

I bet they like getted petted and not eated. So we shouldn't eat dinosaurs. Ever.

I'm off to be a dinosaur king.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

welcome to the unicorn lair

Unicorns live in North Korea. And they don't just LIVE there! They were also DOMESTICATED there! Archaeologists found a cave called the "Unicorn Lair" where King Tongmyong kept his unicorn between trips!

Now, some naysayers are "claiming" that this is not true. One reason is that they say North Korea might not have the most accurate news department/government agency.

Others are saying that there is, in fact, a cave called "Unicorn Lair," but it's just a fancy name for the cave. Like "Purgatory Chasm," or "Devil's Cliff," or "Chocolate Hills."

I suppose that is possible. I have different names for many locations in my apartment. For example, the cabinet under the sink is called "Mario's Pipe."

The bathroom is called "The Dragon's Cove." My closet is "Unicorn Spaceship." My chair is called "The Throne For Watching TV and Eating Vegetables and Sometimes Drinking Tea." (Still working on that one.)

But my favorite is my kitchen. Where you actually enter "Dinosaur Cliff."

These all got their names because they ACTUALLY have this stuff there! No joke! So when I see something called "Unicorn Lair," I'm inclined AND declined to believe that there is a real unicorn in there!

If I had complete control over the news, I would also report awesome stories about REAL things. That is why I'm applying for a job as a journalist in North Korea.

The world deserves the truth and clearly, I'm the only one responsible enough to make it up.

I'm off to report investigatively.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

reach for the skies...and touch them

Clouds are falling! So catch them if you can! Like Pokemon!

Well...less like Pokemon and more like...um...Cloudemon...or something...

So yeah, clouds are falling. NASA has this Multi-angle Imaging SpectroRadiometer (MISR) that just sits there and watches clouds all day. That's MISR's job. For the last decade!

That is a sweet job! I would totally do that for NASA. I'm great at watching clouds! I would even write down what shapes they were!

ME: "Here's my log for the day."

NASA: "Are you sure this is your final report."

ME: "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

NASA: "All is says is 'unicorns' and 'stegosauruseses' again."

ME: "I know! Those clouds need to work on some new shapes! See you tomorrow, boss!"

NASA: "...we shoulda kept MISR..."

MISR (not me) has noticed that clouds are about 100 or so feet closer to the ground these days.

What does that mean? Well, it could actually help with the effects of climate change. Or, make it worse. So...yeah...not really a definitive answer.

But with lower clouds, it WILL be easier to surf on them! So that's cool! My friend, Kit Cloudkicker, and I love doing that. We're hoping it's in the olympics someday.

I keep calling the olympics to ask them to add it, but they never call back. I'm not sure why. Maybe they don't like the nickname "Ollie."

I'm off to see cloud shapes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

insider and outsider trading

So there's talk around Congress about insider trading. I don't know much about the law and the government and kangaroos, but I know that they all exist.

Okay, I'm not 100% on that, but I'm about 67% sure.

According the folks in Congress, they could get insider stock tips so they could make some big monies. But, insider trading is illegal. Except for them.

Since the law DIDN'T say they COULDN'T do it, they figured it was okay.

And THAT is my kinda logic!

Since there is no actual proof that unicorns don't exist, clearly they do! And since there is no actual law specifically telling me that I, personally, cannot take all the money from a bank, clearly I can.

OH! There is also no law that says all comic book companies are supposed to NOT give me comic books free for life, therefore they should be giving me comic books, for free, for life!

Because that's how the law works!

According to congress.

That is why I'm going to start my political career today.

Vote for me. I want to do everything you can't.

Thank you.

I'm off to start a PAC.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj