follow the food rules

New York City got a new mayor. He likes pizza. BUT! He eats it with a fork and knife!

This has caused a STIR among New Yorkers. It’s right up there with Watergate. If you add flour and salt and yeast to the Water. Like, Waterfloursaltyeastmixandletitriseuntilyouarereadytoputtoppingsonitgate.

Or, just Pizzagate. If you want to be boring.

Apparently, there are specific ways to eat food. Just like in Victorian times. No white rice after Labor Day. No elbows on the table. No fork with your pizza!

This mayor, Bill, says that he eats pizza like they do in Italy. I didn’t know if that was true, so I tried to find out by calling Italy.

Italy: Ciao.

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: Scuse?

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: È questa la cosa di pizza? Ho detto di no più chiamate!

Here’s the problem. I only know how to ask for “one beer and cheese, please” in Italian. I didn’t actually take Italian. I learned a few phrases in high school. For some reason I remember that one. I don’t even drink beer. Or eat cheese.

If I’m ever stranded in Italy, I might die.

But I AM an expert at interpreting languages, so I’m PRETTY sure that Italy said, “Do we eat pizza with utensils sometimes? You better believe your chia pet we do, mate!”

So there you go. Mayor Bill wasn’t lying. He loves Italian traditions. Like forking a pizza, eating Neapolitan ice cream, and singing opera.

Oddly enough, that’s exactly what I do when I shower in the morning.

I’m off to get a cheese beer. (yuck.)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj