aliens love visiting us

Have you ever heard of Paul Hellyer? He was the Canadian Minister of National Defense in the 1960s. He says that “at least 4 known alien species have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.”

That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.

How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!

He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.

Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!

So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.

He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”

That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.

Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!

Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government's spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.

Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.

I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

raining diamonds

New research has found that Jupiter and Saturn might be filled with DIAMONDS! They’re just floating around in there. Waiting to be picked by anyone able to make the trip there.

Now, those are some pretty big planets. Like, HUGE planets. So they think there might be GIANT diamonds there. What they call “diamondbergs.”

I bet the Titanic would have LOVED to crash into one of those! That would have changed the entire movie!

Jack: Never let go.

Rose: I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never…OH! Look! A giant diamond! Let me see if I can get some diamonds, ok Jack? Jack?

There aren’t only diamondbergs, but also liquid diamond! YES! I guess they get close to the planet’s core and melt.

Imagine swimming in a pool filled with liquid diamond! That is what I call luxury!

Me: Would you like to go for a swim in my liquid diamond pool?

You: I would love to. Do you have anything to drink?

Me: Here, have a refreshing glass of liquid diamond.

You: Do you also eat diamonds for food?

Me: I do. I use my diamond teeth to chew it. Why? Do you still have gold teeth and swim in liquid gold?!

You: …maybe…

Me: I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

And that was the conversation I had yesterday. On my Saturn estate. Because I’m rich like that.

I’m off to chug diamonds.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

curiosity kills with lasers

Curiosity landed on Mars!

This thing is EPIC! It's, like, a nuclear car. Driving around. ON MARS!

Curiosity will look around Mars to see if we can ever open a Starbucks there. Then maybe get people there, too. Starbucks first, though. That would be good.

Just in case any Martians say, "You can't have a Starbucks here!" Curiosity has a laser.

NASA "says" that this laser is there to shoot rocks. But we all know the truth. I saw John Carter (no I didn't), I know what's going on with Mars (no I don't).

I'm kidding, of course. I would never condone killing an alien species because they wouldn't let us build a Starbucks (yes I would). I'm sure the laser is only there for self-defense.

OH! Like if Saturn people try to invade! They're jerks! They think they own the universe and use their mind-beams to hit people and stuff!

I don't like them. I hope they do come to Mars and get all lasered. They deserve it. Especially after they called me names. Like "creature of mostly water" and "two-legged walker" and "doofus face."

Stinky Saturners. I'll go sat on their urn. (Ha! Good one, me.)

Maybe some day we'll have nuclear cars for Earth, too. That would be cool. Then we could explore Earth!

Who knows what we'd find there! I should let NASA know about this idea.

I'm off to Starbucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj