scare your kids

I just read a story about some parents who move their children’s toys around every night so the kids think that they are alive.

Apparently the kids love it! I would have been so scared if I saw this every morning! Maybe I’m a little more skittish than other children, but if my dinosaurs were in different places every morning, my first thought would be, “when are they finally coming for me?!”

This is also a great time for me to thank my parents for not getting an elf that resides on a shelf...and moves while I sleep. That freaks me out!

What if you woke up one morning and the elf was in your bed. JUST STARING AT YOU.

My bed-wetting days would start all over again!

Speaking of that elf, turns out, through extensive DNA testing, the elf has a Jewish cousin. The Mensch on the Bench. This mensch has the same quirk of going out in the middle of the night and then finding himself somewhere else the next morning.

I don’t know if Elf and Mensch need help, but I’ve had friends who have had this problem of waking up in strange places every morning. Some counseling took care of (most of) their problems.

Now that I think about it, The Elf and the Mensch would be a great premise for a cop show.

But I digress. I think. I’m not sure if I really digress or if I actually intend on going where I go. It’s a mystery that only Detectives Elf and Mensch can solve!

Oh great, now I have the Law & Order theme song stuck in my head.

I’m off to make sure my toys aren’t plotting against me.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meet a tree

There’s a commercial for a large toy company that is getting some people upset. It’s a bus full of children on a field trip. They are on a “Meet the Trees Foundation” tour. And, as the name says, they are supposed to meet trees!

Which, to me, sounds awesome! The kids on the bus are not so excited. They are bored. UNTIL the bus driver says that they are going to a toy store!

Finally, the kids are happy. But kids, as the complainers say, should love toys and trees! Just like me! I love trees!

Especially during autumnfall! It may sound a little sentimental, but I was driving around everywhere this weekend and saw tons of amazing colors from the trees.

One section of road had trees that were all a dark red color. Then another area had a bunch of light green/yellow leaves. It was like a lemon-lime tree!

It did not taste like Sprite, though. Trust me. It tasted more like…um…tree, I guess.

OH! You know what else is cool?! When I see leaves just falling! It's totally nonchalant! It’s no big deal to them. It’s like, “I think I’ll just let go of the tree and float down to the ground…whatevs…”

It’s like a metaphor about life. I have no idea what the metaphor is, but it’s really, really deep.

I also love driving down a road that has a lot of leaves on the ground and in my rearview mirror I see them fly up behind me. It makes me feel like I’m going super-fast! Even though I’m on a 25 mph road! (I go 27 mph to make the leaves go crazy! Shh...don't tell the authorities.)

Is it bad that kids would rather play with toys than learn about trees? I don’t know. Maybe they should make Teenage Mutant Ninja Leaves. That might get kids more interested in foliage.

It would also make for an awesome cartoon that I will watch every day.

I’m off to see if the brown leaves taste like chocolate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part two

We now return to the strange day I had at the "Large Sometimes Vowel" store. After seeing the child MAYBE stealing toys, I left the store.

I went into the parking lot where people were driving on the wrong side of the road! Now, if they were British, that can be forgiven. If not, I have no idea what was going on.

Parking lots are SCARY places! SO MANY CARS! I am amazed that I don't die more often in them. (But just in case, I have many lives available because I collected many 1-Ups.) Luckily, even with the large amount of automobiles AND not-correct-side-of-the-road driving, I made it back to my car without a single death.

FINALLY! The strangeness ended with a family showing their dog some equidae! Near my store is a stable. A few horses and (what I think is) a donkey live there. I'm sorry, I wasn't raised in a barn, so I don't know animals very well. Also, I close the door.

I saw a car pulled over with a guy pointing at a horse behind the fence. At first, I thought, "That's cute. A dad showing his baby horses! That is fun for all!"

NOPE! It was a guy showing horses to his small dog! I am not the owner of pets. But I'm totally cool with people treating their pets like children. Buying them stuff and everything. But is this dog REALLY going to get anything out of this lesson? Isn't that a little TOO much? I mean, you try to teach babies to recognize animals because that could be useful later in life. But a dog?

Example with a baby:

Dad: "Look! A horsey! Can you say horsey? What sound does a horsey make?"

Baby: "Bbbbbbbbbbbbb."

Dad: "Good job!"

Example with dog:

Dad: "Look! A horsey! Can you say horsey? What sound does a horsey make?"

Dog: "Seriously. I'm a dog. I go 'woof' or 'bark.' Take me for a walk and give me food."

Dad: "Good job!"

I guess, in twenty years, the dog will know what a donkey looks like. A lesson I may have learned if it was shown to me AS A BABY.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm the only strange person in the world or the only normal one. Statistics show that I'm the only strange one. But statistics don't know how to sound like a horsey. I do.

Take that statistics.

I'm off to get a 1-Up.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that was an odd day: part one

I don't usually notice too much in a day. Well, I suppose I notice a lot of things. But nothing that really stands out. Yesterday had quite a few...um...stand-outish things.

I was at the Super Market buying lots of YUMMY foods. I believe this market is super because it came from another planet and our sun gives it super powers. Even though the website doesn't say that, I'm sure it's true.

I was waiting to purchase my citrus and bread and coffee when a small child walked into my line. I'm not sure if the child had a parent, but if it did, the parent was not visible. This line had candy and toys in it. Nothing big, just little things. This young child took a bag of toys and began stuffing it down the back of his pants!

At first, I thought, "The back of the pants?! Really?! Is that where you want your stolen toys to be?" Then I remembered reading many stories of people getting taken to jail and doing the same thing. Mostly with illegal substances. And again, I generally ask, "Is that where you want your illegal substances to be?"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if he was planning on stealing these toys because he didn't actually stuff the whole thing down his pants. Just the top part. So when he walked away it was more like a "tail." Clearly visible to anybody behind him. Like a "toy tail."

He may or may not have known that I saw this whole thing. He was wearing sweat pants, so it could have just been an easy place to put them due to a lack of pockets. Sometimes when I wear sweat pants, I...okay, I don't own a pair of sweat pants, so I can't even seriously make a joke about them.

Then I thought that it might be okay to carry things that way! So I took my loaf of bread and stuffed part of it into the back of my pants. And let me tell you, having a "bread tail" is probably the most empowering thing you will ever do!

Except when hungry geese are nearby. Then...it's not so great.

This has already gone on too long and that was only PART of my day! I'm not sure if you want to know the rest of it, but it's coming anyway!

I'm off to buy some sweat pants.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj