CNN recently asked people “How much money do you need to be happy?”
Guess what! Most people said that if they had about $100,000 a year, they would be happy!
Wanna know how many people said that money can’t buy happiness? 6%! That’s it! And they are kinda right. Money can’t actually buy an emotion. BUT! It does buy all the stuff that gives me the happy emotion!
Like jelly beans.
$100,000 is SO far out of my realm of money options that I can’t even imagine what I’d do with that much money.
Ok. That’s a lie. I know exactly what I would do. I would buy a pool. Then I would fill it with jelly beans. Then I would swim in it every day. And have a pool party every week with mutant, party jellyfish. I would also invite peanut butter over. Because peanut butter and I are besties.
I should figure out a way to make millions of monies. OH! You know what I think would make me rich? Fruit-shaped containers.
Many fruits are soft when they are ripe. And that makes them so hard to transport! I think they make a banana one, but why stop there?! I just had a pear. It was all beaten up because it was in my bag! There is no pear container!
Or an avocado case. Because you don’t want that all messed up. Or containers for watermelon slices! I use my sandwich container, but it’s not a perfect fit. Sometimes I have to squish some of my melon to make it fit. NOBODY wants squished melons!
I will call it the “FruitCase” and I will sell it on infomercials late at night when people are tired and desire unbruised fruit.
I’m off to get fruity rich.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Monday, June 9, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
plants will eat your money
Scientists have found a plant in the Philippines that will eat nickel! Yes, if you drop your change on the ground in the Philippines, you better just forget about it because you will not see Jefferson again!
The cool thing about this plant is that it will eat a bunch of nickel and it won’t die. This is very strange for most living organisms. Lots of heavy metals in a biological system are usually really bad.
Except me. I can eat $34.62 in change and won’t get poisoned. But the surgery to remove it costs more than that, so it’s best if you don’t actually try that.
Also, doctors get to keep what they find in your stomach. It’s like finding change in the couch. Whoever finds it, gets to keep it. Doctors just have to clean their change a little more.
(Editor's Note: Eating money is a Very Bad Idea.)
Scientists hope that we can grow these plants in places with bad soil. Then, when the heavy metal is OUT of the soil, they can grow fun plants. Like watermelons!
Apparently there is a lot of heavy metal still in the soil after the 80s. Because there were so many outdoor concerts. Now they just have to get a plant that can eat all that hair.
Yeah…I know…When I was trying to think of a joke about heavy metal and soil, that’s the only one I could come up with. It’s not my best work, but I stand by it.
Also, the following jokes may or may not be worse. One isn’t even a joke. It’s just lazy.
So! If you have some heavy metal in the soil that you need to get rid of, you might want to try some of these flowers! Metallicarnations, Motley Crulips, Guns N’ Roses, and Megadaisies.
I’m off to start my Iron Garden.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
The cool thing about this plant is that it will eat a bunch of nickel and it won’t die. This is very strange for most living organisms. Lots of heavy metals in a biological system are usually really bad.
Except me. I can eat $34.62 in change and won’t get poisoned. But the surgery to remove it costs more than that, so it’s best if you don’t actually try that.
Also, doctors get to keep what they find in your stomach. It’s like finding change in the couch. Whoever finds it, gets to keep it. Doctors just have to clean their change a little more.
(Editor's Note: Eating money is a Very Bad Idea.)
Scientists hope that we can grow these plants in places with bad soil. Then, when the heavy metal is OUT of the soil, they can grow fun plants. Like watermelons!
Apparently there is a lot of heavy metal still in the soil after the 80s. Because there were so many outdoor concerts. Now they just have to get a plant that can eat all that hair.
Yeah…I know…When I was trying to think of a joke about heavy metal and soil, that’s the only one I could come up with. It’s not my best work, but I stand by it.
Also, the following jokes may or may not be worse. One isn’t even a joke. It’s just lazy.
So! If you have some heavy metal in the soil that you need to get rid of, you might want to try some of these flowers! Metallicarnations, Motley Crulips, Guns N’ Roses, and Megadaisies.
I’m off to start my Iron Garden.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
more canadian currency
Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, June 3, 2013
sticky money smells good
Canada has new money that smells like maple syrup! Well, that’s according to the citizens of Canada. Also known as Canadanites.
According to the official Bank of Canada, “The bank has not added any scent to the new bank notes.”
So why is everybody smelling maple syrup? Some people think it’s all psychosomatic. That people want to believe it, so they all smell maple syrup. (Is it normal to smell your money? Is that a Canadanite thing to do? Is it weird that I DON'T smell my money?)
I have another theory. Everything in Canada is made out of maple syrup. Do you remember Fraggle Rock? And the Doozers? They made all their buildings out of radishes and the Fraggles LOVED them!
Well, Canadians are like maple syrup Doozers. I mean, maple syrup is pretty much everywhere in Canada. It practically grows on trees. So the Bank of Canada (secretly) said, “Let’s use this stuff to make money!”
And make money they did!
The bad thing is that the money can melt. You may think I am making that up. I am not. Though I sometimes (almost always) fabricate the facts, this one is not fabricated at all. The money melts and gets sticky when it gets too warm. It’s best to store your money in the fridge to keep it fresh. If you put it in your wallet, it might get gooey on a hot day.
I know, this is Canada, you would never think it gets hot there. But it’s tricky because of their Celsius temperatures!
You might say, “It’s only 40 degrees out! My money won’t melt!” Then you go outside and maply syrup money is melting everywhere! Because when you convert 40 Canada into American-language, it’s 104 degrees!
I’m going to bring a bottle of maple syrup to the Bank of Canada and tell them all my money melted and they should give me new money. I’ll get a really big jug, so they’ll have to give me billions of dollars. I’ll be maple-rich!
I’m off to dance my cares away.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
According to the official Bank of Canada, “The bank has not added any scent to the new bank notes.”
So why is everybody smelling maple syrup? Some people think it’s all psychosomatic. That people want to believe it, so they all smell maple syrup. (Is it normal to smell your money? Is that a Canadanite thing to do? Is it weird that I DON'T smell my money?)
I have another theory. Everything in Canada is made out of maple syrup. Do you remember Fraggle Rock? And the Doozers? They made all their buildings out of radishes and the Fraggles LOVED them!
Well, Canadians are like maple syrup Doozers. I mean, maple syrup is pretty much everywhere in Canada. It practically grows on trees. So the Bank of Canada (secretly) said, “Let’s use this stuff to make money!”
And make money they did!
The bad thing is that the money can melt. You may think I am making that up. I am not. Though I sometimes (almost always) fabricate the facts, this one is not fabricated at all. The money melts and gets sticky when it gets too warm. It’s best to store your money in the fridge to keep it fresh. If you put it in your wallet, it might get gooey on a hot day.
I know, this is Canada, you would never think it gets hot there. But it’s tricky because of their Celsius temperatures!
You might say, “It’s only 40 degrees out! My money won’t melt!” Then you go outside and maply syrup money is melting everywhere! Because when you convert 40 Canada into American-language, it’s 104 degrees!
I’m going to bring a bottle of maple syrup to the Bank of Canada and tell them all my money melted and they should give me new money. I’ll get a really big jug, so they’ll have to give me billions of dollars. I’ll be maple-rich!
I’m off to dance my cares away.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
canada's current currency
I know a lot of people make jokes about Canada. I may have done it in the past. BUT! I also praise Canada for their amazing candy and snack foods! They have all sorts of stuff up there that you just can't get in our boring country.
Money is something else that Canada decided to make funner. It's awesome! It's all different colors and stuff. How fun is that?!
Not fun enough for the Royal Canadian Mint! They said that it needs be even funnerer!
They have just created the glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT kidding!
On one side is a pachyrhinosaurus lakustai. It looks like what most dinosaurs look like. But turn the lights off, and you see the glowing skeleton of the dinosaur!
Why isn't all American money like that! I WANT GLOWY MONEY!
On the other side is Queen Elizabeth.
Her skull does not glow. But that would have been awesome.
I have a lot of big change transactions happening in dark places at night and if I could see the glowing skull of George Washington when I made these...transactions...I wouldn't have to worry so much about dropping my quarters!
I'm sure you have the same problem. Though, I don't know if you do what I do at night.
I'm not allowed to talk about it, but let's say that if I didn't do what I do, Mars and Venus might not be so friendly.
Maybe I can transfer to Canada so I can use dinosaur money.
Or maybe you can write to your state representative and let them know you want glow-in-the-dark money.
Because Canada has it. And we don't want to look uncool to Canada.
I'm off to the border.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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