hello, my name is larry

You know, Larry, right? The Quaker oat head guy!

YEP! His name is Larry! Not what I thought it would be. I've only met two Larrys in my life and one of them was a cucumber.

The other one was a human. But he liked cucumbers in his salad.

They were not friends.

When you think of Quakers, do you think of the name "Larry?" Really? He looks more "colonial" than a Larry, right? Like Nathaniel or Gervase or Elias. NOPE! His name is Larry.

Well, Quaker-Larry got a new look! Because, you know, the old look just wasn't cuttin it.

It's hard to notice, but if you squint, you'll see that his double chin is gone. Larry's been going to the chin-gym.

He also got a little trim of the white hairs so he doesn't look like such a hippy.

AND, he's showing a little more shoulder. Larry's gettin saucy!

So now, when you're sitting with your tub of Quaker Oats pondering life, look to Larry and tell him he looks good.

If he tells you something back, run. Run as fast as you can. That means your tub of oats is possessed and probably wants to eat you and turn you into some sort of oat-zombie.

Or, if you're lonely like me, keep talking to Larry and worry about the oat-zombiness later.

I'm off to roll my oats.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bees knees run away

There's a bee problem. They are leaving. There are a lot of theories as to why this is happening. The latest one says pesticides are the problem.

But, are bees really dying? Or are they leaving on purpose?

Here's what we should REALLY be afraid of: The bees know something we humans (and any other species that might read my words) don't know.

What aren't the bees telling us?! Why are they keeping secrets?!

Can they sense an attack from some evil underground dragon? Or maybe they can hear the signals from aliens who are ready to attack us? TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON, BEES!

True story (probably not): When I was 14, I nursed an injured bee back to health. It broke its wing and I put a tiny cast on it and fed it honey and pollen until it could fly again. We shared lots of heart warming moments while acoustic guitars and pianos played in the background. It was very emotional.

So bees, if you are reading this, save me. And a few other people I like. And everybody who makes comic books. So I can still read them.

And stinging me (actually did happen) is NOT a good way to pay me back. Seriously. I cried when that happened.

So, you owe me. Like, twice.

I'm off to nurse a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sail away, sail away, sail away

Some people believe the world is going to end soon. BUT! They have figured out how to be saved!

Pretty sweet, right? And they're just telling us how we can be saved too! Pic de Bugarach is an "upside down" mountain. It's pretty cool, actually. It's in France. So it's French.

This mountain is kinda sweet because, geologically speaking, it is upside down! Newer rocks are on the bottom. "Scientists" say that when the mountain erupted, the peak shot up into the air and flipped over and landed back inside itself.

Like a mountain pancake.

The rest of us know that aliens picked up the mountain and flipped it over so they would have a good place to land their large space boats.

You know what I love about space boats? Their music. They listen to a lot of Enya. They have the Orinoco Flow. That's a space sailor term meaning "we're a totally awesome boat that won't hit anything like icebergs."

I also love origami on Tuesdays.

“Origami On Tuesdays” is a good name for a band.

So is “Mountain Pancake.”

I would like a mountain of pancakes. Covered with peanut butter. And chocolate. And syrup. And strawberry Quick. The powder kind, not the goo. It's more fun to eat it that way.

I hope they serve that on my space boat cruise.

I'm off to book a space ticket.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

make way for meatballs

There is a truck in my yard.

Well...I don't really have a yard. I live in an apartment. But there are woods behind my complex. On the edge of those woods is a truck that looks like it got hit by a giant meatball.

Or another car. Whichever.

Now, I'm not sure if somebody around me actually OWNS this truck. Or if the meatball hit it and dragged it to my apartment. Or if the drivers wanted to stash it in the woods but couldn't get it past the trees.

You should always watch out for trees and meatballs. I learned to avoid trees and meatballs at ages 4 and 12 respectively. And to watch out for both simultaneously at age 19.

Whatever happened, it is there now. I'm not sure if I should call an authoritative figure or just let it chill out. Perhaps I should call James Cameron. He likes exploring.

He could make a movie called "Trucktanic: Make Way For Meatballs!"

I think it would work best in 3-D. Because it would look like the meatballs are coming RIGHT AT YOU!

"The meatball is coming! Do not let go of my hand!"

That's some powerful stuff. I'll send it to James. I hope he can get mail in the ocean.

I'm off to truck it.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

air from every angle

Isn't it weird that we have to put windows DOWN when we are in our cars but put them UP in our homes?!

How confusing is that?! I mean, it's a wonder we can ever figure out how to feel a breeze!

Couldn't they have just picked one or the other? I am constantly getting it all mushed up. Some days I'm standing next to my car trying to put the window up for hours.

Then I remember that I have to push it down. With a small button on the inside of my car. It's terribly confusing.

In my house, I'm a little luckier. Air comes in through the plugs. Like, power outlet plugs. So if I can't figure out how to open the windows, at least I get SOME air coming in.

I noticed the plug-air when it was breezy the other day.

I don't know if that's what wind power is or not, but if it is, it works!

I really like that wind power joke. Because really, there is a LOT of air coming through my outlets. And I thought of the wind power joke right away. It's environmentally friendly humor.

Is that normal? Should I worry about that? The plug-air, not the humor.

Blood is also dripping through my walls, but I'm not worried about that. I saw that in a movie once and I'm pretty sure it ended well. Charlie didn't give some guy candy so he got the keys to the factory or something.

I don't remember the details. I just remember a happy song at the end.

I'm pretty sure that's the same movie.

I'm off to air out my outlets.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

aliens are not mutants

I have to comment on this being the comic book fan that I am. I apologize in advance.

So, Michael Bay said he was going to make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aliens for the new movie. To make it more believable.

The weird thing is, they don't have to be aliens. They're already mutants. So...that explains the fact that they are turtles that can do ninja things.

Now, theoretically, aliens can be mutated, too. I won't deny that. I've seen it happen plenty of times. I do have the power of intergalactic space travel.

And my parents are pod people. So, you know, I've kinda seen it all.

Except turtles mutating on other planets. THAT I have not seen.

I HAVE seen all three Transformers movies. I was able to stay awake through the first one. The next two were about as interesting as a rock playing tennis against a snail on a molasses court.

Okay, I admit, that sounds TOTALLY interesting. I would watch that forever.

I could NOT watch the Transformers movies forever. That would hurt my pancreas. A lot.

Now, I've seen a lot of TMNT (TANT if they're aliens) movies/comics/tv shows in my day and there's some really bad stuff. Like, REALLY bad. But it wasn't because I didn't believe they could exist. It was just awful storytelling.

Can Michael Bay afford to hire some awesome writers to make a really good movie using alien turtles? Yes, he could.

Can Michael Bay afford to paint himself gold and change his teeth with rare pink diamonds while riding an elephant? Yes, he could.

Doesn't mean it's a good idea, though.

I complain out of love. That is all.

And because I'm a total geek.

I'm off to cowabunga.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everything I know about sports i learned from women

That's true. A few years ago I found out there is a football team called the Tennessee Titans. At first, I did not believe this to be true. She then showed me actual proof that they exist.

That is now my favorite football team. Mostly because "The Titans" is a superhero team. Partly because "The Titans" is a superhero team. And it's REALLY fun to say, "GO TITANS!" (that's their battle cry).

This past weekend, I found out that there is a college basketball team named after a fruit! Not just a fruit, but a fruit/color combination! The Syracuse Orange!

The mascot is, in fact, an orange! Sure, an orange has never grown in upstate New York, but that didn't stop Syracuse! They could have gone with a fighting dinosaur, which can grow in upstate New York, but they decided the orange was scarier.

And they were right. If you play "Rock, Paper, Scissor, Dinosaur, Orange," then you know that the only thing that beats orange is paper.

Luckily, there is no team called "The Papers" in NCAA basketball.

The Oranges regularly beat other teams with their Vitamin C-ness. C stands for "C? We will beat you and win when we play basketball!"

That's the original definition of Vitamin C. From dinosaur days. When dinosaurs roamed upstate New York. They wouldn't go any more souther than that for fear of a rogue orange rolling up from Florida.

Rogue Orange would be a cool band name.

I'm off to throw paper.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj