countries at rock bottom prices!

I live in the United States of America. There are a bunch of states. Some unincorporated territories. A federal district. Decent places.

But what we really need is a Greece! We don't have one of those yet!

The European Union isn't happy with Greece. They're all, like, "You don't have any money to pay rent."

Greece isn't happy with the E.U. and they're all, "We want to be the minority! We don't need your austerity!" (Green Day reference. It's clever. Trust me. It might make one person laugh.)

(Parenthetical side note: I don't even know what the word austerity means. And I don't understand world economics. I never even heard of the European Union until this morning. But I do consider myself an expert in the subject.)

If Greece goes solo, the United States should pick it up! We can probably get it super cheap. And who doesn't love a deal? I think I saw it on groupon today, too! Even better!

Greece has some nice mountains. Beautiful islands! Seals and turtles live there in harmony! Why wouldn't you want to buy it?!

Cuz if you don't buy it, I will.

Greece: It's Hellas Good. (Look it up. That's another clever reference that nobody will get without doing some research. I think it's funny.)

I'm off to find more olympic sized jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

putting the ants in plants

Here's the headline I saw: "Carnivorous Plants Employ Bodyguard Ants."

WHAT?! If you weren't scared about the end of the world before, you should be now!

These plants (THAT EAT MEAT, BY THE WAY) pay ants with nectar to protect them from enemies on the ground so they can catch MEAT ANIMALS from above.

Not scared?

How about this: Plants can use their roots to walk. I've seen it. On TV. In cartoons. And once they get as big as houses, THEY MOVE PRETTY FAST.

Imagine giant plants coming to town to EAT MEAT with an army of bodyguard ants in front of them. What chance do we have?!

Oh, in case you forgot, YOU ARE MEAT. Again...these plants EAT MEAT.

Are you getting it now?! Are you scared?!

You should be. This is doomsday scenario #962.

I have 8,487 scenarios. 7,034 of them involve dinosaurs.

Sometimes they help the humans fight robots. Sometimes they eat first and ask questions later.

I like the times when I ride them like horsies. Those are the fun scenarios.

Maybe I should start a list of "Fun Riding Dinosaurs" scenarios instead of "Doomsday" scenarios.

I'm off work on my lists.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't complain, it's natural

Gassy dinosaurs caused global warming! YEP! All that methane from giant dinos made for a "hot, wet Mesozoic era." Can you IMAGINE what that smelled like?!

Stinky!

Unlike me. I'm never stinky.

And you, too. You are never stinky.

Aren't we lucky to never be stinky like that? We are.

So these dinosaurs were tootin' up a storm keeping the planet nice and warm for all their dinosaur games when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant rock from the planet Krypton crashes into Earth and blocks out the sun!

No more sun meant no more plants. And no more plants meant no more food. No more food meant no more methane keeping us all snuggly warm.

That's when the Ice Cream Age started! That's my favorite. It was all vanilla and yummy.

Dinosaurs ate all the ice cream. But ice cream didn't make them gassy, so it stayed cold and they didn't have wool socks to keep them warm because sheep hadn't been invented yet.

So they froze and only came back recently like Captain America.

Luckily, now we can enjoy ice cream with Captain America on hot, wet Mesozoic days.

I'm off to produce some methane.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not just national, international and universal

Do you like different nations? Do you love chili? Then you should be a part of the International Chili Society!

You didn't know it existed? OF COURSE IT DOES!

Chili is so good that chili-lovers HAD to make a society.

It started out as the National Chili Society, but when the Cayman Islands heard about it, they needed to get in on the action.

So it went international.

Lucky for me I have the inside scoop. My chili man, Mario, keeps me informed of all things chilified.

I also have a salsa guy, a Lego gal, and a blueberry otter.

I like chili a lot, though. So I went bigger. I'm part of the UNIVERSAL Chili Society!

You haven't had chili until you've tasted it from Kepler-20 e. That place knows HOT! (Literally. Look it up.)

Actually, since there isn't really a Universal Chili Society (because I just made it up), I have decided that I will be King Chili Master of the Universe.

By the power of Chili-Skull! I have the capsicum!!!!!!!

I also like chili-cheese fries. So good.

I'm off to talk to my otter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cinco de mayo comic de moono

Wow! The number 5 is great! And it's even greaterer when it comes in May this year!

I found out that May 5 is called "The "Revenge of the Fifth" because the fourth is Star Wars day. And one day isn't enough to celebrate Star Wars. Are you getting excited? I am! But that's just the beginning!

Saturday is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday night we will have the BIGGEST FULL MOON OF THE YEAR!

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Can this much awesomnisity happen at the same time?!

The answer to that question is YES. The Supermoon (a perfect name for Free Comic Book Day) will be extra-big and extra-bright and extra-moony.

It will be as close as the moon can get. You might be able to touch it if you stand on your tippy toes.

So if you thought NOTHING was happening this weekend, think again. And then think one more time. And once more just for funsies.

Now stop thinking! And get the Star Wars and comic books ready!

And get your moons ready!

It's gonna be a good weekend.

I'm off to touch the moon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i warned you about the birds

I know you thought that bird WAS the word...but that's not true anymore.

Birds now KNOW the words. And they're teaching their friends.

People in Australia teach their parrots how to speak. Now, these birds pretend to be cool inside their cages, but they're really just plotting their escape. They learn everything they need to know from their human captors. Then escape into the wild.

Once free, they teach other birds all the words they learned.

I'm pretty sure they're planning to take over the world. There are over 800 species of birds in Australia. If ALL of them attacked at once, what chance would we have?

We're lucky for two reasons:

1. I have friends in the koala community. By friends I mean spies. By spies I mean highly trained ninja koalas.

2. The birds only know how to say "vegemite" and "tim-tams."

3. Unless those are "code words" that mean "attack" and "I love cookies."

4. I do know if you hear a bird say "throw a wobbly," you should run.

5. I don't know what it means, but I have wounds that say it's bad.

6. I'm off to get a chokkie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not just may day anymore

Everybody knows it's May Day, but it is ALSO Lei Day!

In Hawaii they make sure to get their lei on. There is even a song from 1927 called "May Day is Lei Day in Hawaii."

It's true! Jason Mraz even sings it! That must mean it's historical!

It is also Save The Rhino Day. A day when we praise the rhinoceros for all its knee-less goodness.

I know it's fun to celebrate all sorts of different days, but I REALLY think we should combine these two!

You put a lei on a rhinoceros and what do you get? A happy rhino that won't run into you and horn you into next week.

Which would be bad because next week is NOT Lei Day OR Rhino Day. If you get horned into next week, you'll just be celebrating No Socks Day.

And the LAST thing you want is to be riding a rhino without any socks on. It's terribly uncomfortable. For you and the rhino.

I think I'm writing about a lot of "Days" these days. It might be because I have nothing else to write about (probably), but it also might have to do with the "What Every Day Is" calendar that I got for Buy Somebody A Calendar Day last month.

Either way, it's all you got.

I'm off to check my calendar.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj