a toast to toast

I love toast. I’ve said it a million times. It’s amazing. It’s ALWAYS amazing. It’s a magical food that magically appears from bread. Magically. It’s so good!

Apparently, I’m not the only person who loves toast! Because now you can get “artisanal toast” at special toast cafes! From toast baristas. (Baristoasts?) It’ll only cost $3-$4 to get a perfect piece of toast.

I know what you’re thinking. That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as unperfect toast. And I would agree with you.

That’s it. I really do agree with you.

I guess I should say more to defend these places, so I’ll give you some details. They are making it with special breads and fancy toppings. And they put on these toppings with so much care, that you probably don’t want to eat the food. Just look at its beauty.

That’s fine. Go for it. I don’t eat food because it’s pretty. I eat food so I don’t die. At least, that’s what I’ve been told would happen if I don’t eat food. I’ve never actually tried it. I’m too scared.

And this isn’t like some extreme sport where it’s fun and they say you COULD die. This is a risk that has a guarantee that you WILL die.

I like to live on the edge. But LIVE is the important part.

I suppose I can understand if you don’t want to buy a whole loaf of European Winter Wheat bread (only grown in winter and stone ground during the coldest day of the year) and a whole jar of strawberry jam made from Russian strawberries that were grown in blankets made of alpaca fur. Something like that might be better to just get by the slice and knife. (That’s a good name for a toast café!)

Making artisanal stuff is very popular these days. I recently wrote about a guy who makes artisanally sharpened pencils by hand.

Maybe I should artisanalate something. Like dental floss. I’d make every strand by hand. That could be my motto! And I’ll open up a floss bar where you come and floss with different flavored strands! $10 a visit! I’ll be rich AND help dental hygiene!

I’m off to get flossy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj