fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

a toast to toast

I love toast. I’ve said it a million times. It’s amazing. It’s ALWAYS amazing. It’s a magical food that magically appears from bread. Magically. It’s so good!

Apparently, I’m not the only person who loves toast! Because now you can get “artisanal toast” at special toast cafes! From toast baristas. (Baristoasts?) It’ll only cost $3-$4 to get a perfect piece of toast.

I know what you’re thinking. That’s crazy. There’s no such thing as unperfect toast. And I would agree with you.

That’s it. I really do agree with you.

I guess I should say more to defend these places, so I’ll give you some details. They are making it with special breads and fancy toppings. And they put on these toppings with so much care, that you probably don’t want to eat the food. Just look at its beauty.

That’s fine. Go for it. I don’t eat food because it’s pretty. I eat food so I don’t die. At least, that’s what I’ve been told would happen if I don’t eat food. I’ve never actually tried it. I’m too scared.

And this isn’t like some extreme sport where it’s fun and they say you COULD die. This is a risk that has a guarantee that you WILL die.

I like to live on the edge. But LIVE is the important part.

I suppose I can understand if you don’t want to buy a whole loaf of European Winter Wheat bread (only grown in winter and stone ground during the coldest day of the year) and a whole jar of strawberry jam made from Russian strawberries that were grown in blankets made of alpaca fur. Something like that might be better to just get by the slice and knife. (That’s a good name for a toast café!)

Making artisanal stuff is very popular these days. I recently wrote about a guy who makes artisanally sharpened pencils by hand.

Maybe I should artisanalate something. Like dental floss. I’d make every strand by hand. That could be my motto! And I’ll open up a floss bar where you come and floss with different flavored strands! $10 a visit! I’ll be rich AND help dental hygiene!

I’m off to get flossy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

step it up a little bit

I will exercise when I can. It's not bad. It's not great, but I feel like I should do it because it's supposed to be healthy for you.

One thing I have NEVER done is "step" stuff. I don't get it. Without any instruction, I tried stepping up onto the platform. I did it. Then I stepped down again. Woo.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong because it was not even close to resembling a workout! Maybe I should be carrying an ox when I do it. That would probably make it harder, right?

OH! You know what is sweet (and totally unrelated but I just thought of it and didn't want to forget to tell you)! Strawberries are coming early!

I know it's because of climate change and stuff, but it's still pretty awesome. I like good strawberries. Not bad ones. Good ones are good. Bad ones are not good. They are bad. Strawberries are one of the cutest fruits, don't you think?

The doctor said I was healthy (going back to the healthy talk). I told him that I exercised. Not step aerobics, though.

My doctor likes bears. He had a bear calendar in his room. I found out that Bear Awareness Week was in the beginning of May. I'm bear aware. Are you?

I bet bears like strawberries.

I tried strawberries and peanut butter once. Because I like peanut butter on pretty much everything. It wasn't gross. But it wasn't anything special. Try it if you like, but it's kind of a waste. Save the pb for apples or bread. Peanut butter pb, not lead.

I'm off to have a strawberry picnic with a bear.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj