the cia museum may or may not exist

The CIA can neither confirm nor deny the fact that they have a museum.

Well, that’s not true. They do have one. But you can’t go there. Because it’s in the CIA compound and you aren’t allowed in.

So what’s the point of the museum?! I mean, seriously! I would museum that place like crazy!

Sure it’s all online for me to see, but that’s not nearly as much fun as being there!

Apparently, the CIA also has a gift shop. Not IN the museum. Just there. For you to buy stuff.

Now, I know I’m not even close to being qualified to deal with national secrets, but I mean, couldn’t you just move all the stuff from one spot to another spot maybe outside of the CIA building? Like, just outside of the compound and put the gift shop out there, too?

I mean, if all this stuff CAN be seen, why not let people see it? And put the gift shop at the end of the museum? THAT is how you get people. You make them exit through the gift shop.

Kids love junk like that. Like baby’s first Escape & Evasion Survival Kit. Or a Civil Air Transport Notepad/Diary. Or maybe a stuffed William J. Donovan Desk so the kids can cuddle at night with memories of memos from World War II.

I know they’re all about discretion, but should the museum be one of them? I would love a selfie with a Dynazoom. Post that on Instagram #CIA #secrets #centralintelligenceagenselfie #lookoutimaspy

I wonder if they need a curator. How sweet would that job be?! Nobody can go there, so what do I have to do? Dust a few things? Sweep once a week? Run around in a U-2 helmet and scare the pants off of spies from other planets?

Oh my…I want that job so bad right now!

I’m off to check the employment opportunities at the CIA.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

50 other areas

Area 51 exists! The CIA has finally acknowledged its existence! Because, I guess until recently they weren’t sure it existed?

I don’t really know what that means. Everybody else knew it existed. Really. They did. It was on Google Maps. I could literally already get there in 40 hours using toll roads.

I could even walk or use a bicycle! Google Maps already told me how!

Still, the CIA wasn’t convinced. Another thing that could have helped them find it would have been a tour. Because you can actually get bus tours to Area 51 already! Members of MY OWN family went there once. They have pictures! I will show the CIA the scrapbook if it helps!

Yes! There’s a scrapbook! Can’t get more existy than that!

These new documents DO say that Area 51 is kind of boring. No aliens or anything. They tested spy planes and stuff. Something about U2 and oxcarts.

I don’t know if U2 was performing shows on oxcarts in the desert, but if they were, Bono’s secret is out.

Apparently nobody wanted to work there, either. President Eisenhower had to trick people into working in the middle of the desert. He called it “Paradise Ranch.”

Seriously. He did. Now, if you were going to a place called Paradise Ranch in the Las Vegas area, what kind of place do you think you’d be going to?

Yeah, me too! But I guess it's not a school where they train you to be a rhinestone cowboy. I guess I bought these glitter chaps for nothing.

Oh well. I hear there is a ranch of bunnies in Las Vegas. Maybe I can go there instead. I like bunnies. Maybe they’re cowboy bunnies. That would be adorable.

I’m off to acknowledge my existence.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

what would you like for weather

The CIA wants to control your weather! For some reason, the CIA is giving money to the National Academy of Sciences to work on Geoengineering.

They want to find ways to get rid of all the CO2 that’s causing all those climate change problems.

They can also make it rain if they want. Because that’s fun to do as a prank.

I have NO idea why the CIA is funding this. Do greenhouse gases prevent them from gathering intelligence? Perhaps it’s harder to spy on people when it is so hot and humid?

I don’t know much about the CIA, but I would NOT expect them to have a “Who we are” section on the “Clandestine Service” page of their website. I mean, should you really be introducing the world to the secret spies?! Am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that our secret intelligence agencies have websites?!

I wonder how many people go to the CIA website every day? As an American citizen, I would probably never go there. If I was not so wholesome and I wanted to learn about the CIA, luckily they have a very good website to teach me about their secrets with a very informative "Frequently Asked Questions" section.

The BEST part is the “Games” section! I solved that puzzle in 21 seconds! I think the CIA will now hire me to be a secret agent!

Then they can put me on their not-so-secret/secret-agency website! Perhaps I can convince them to update the cheesy “Welcome to our company” video! (Yes, it’s on there. And I’m proud to say I love it. Viva America!)

So why is the CIA helping with geoengineering? I have no answer to that. Maybe it’ll be funny to make it rain on people trying to plot against us?

Bad person: “We will plot evil things using these plans I wrote out on all these pieces of paper and this computer.”

(Begins to rain a lot.)

Bad person: “Oh no! I can’t read my plans anymore and my computer is broken from too much water!”

America: “HA! Looks like Evil’s plans are ALL WET!”

In my head, America is a heroic turtle wearing a cape.

Just in case the CIA is reading my blog (because nobody else is), I do love what you do to help these United States. I’m just making jokes at your expense. My brother always told me that when you mock somebody, that means you love them. That’s how I know my brother loves me.

He never explained what beating me up meant.

I’m off to solve more puzzles for the CIA.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj