bring in da nose, bring in da funk

Smell anything? I bet you do! You probably smell everything! Because your nose is awesome!

They say that one does not simply walk into odor, but I’m pretty sure you do. I don’t know why Boromir said that. Maybe he wasn’t involved with this study.

Yes! A study! Olfactory science is a booming business! Scientists had people smell a bunch of stuff and they figured out that you can smell over a trillion different scents!

That’s an intense scents sense! I mean, you can hear about 340,000 tones. See maybe 10 million colors. But that’s nothing compared to a TRILLION!

They had people smell a whole bunch of different odor molecules to get to the trillion mark. But they think that’s still too low.

Everything we smell is made up of different combinations of odor molecules. Like, a rose, which has 275. I’m sure you know that, though. Even Shakespeare wrote “that which we call a rose by any other name would still smell like 275 odor molecules.”

Maybe you don’t know that one. It’s in the original script. Not the Leo and Claire one.

I’m a big smeller. Wait…that sounds weird. I mean that I like to smell things. Mostly food. It’s fun to get a scent of some new treats before you eat them.

Especially when you open a new bag of jelly beans. Those are odor molecules that know how to get my nose hairs tingling!

I’m sorry if you think that’s gross. But I don’t care. Because my nose is a valued part of my body and I will not let its propensity to get snotty make me lose any respect for it!

So when you’re enjoying the smell of something, make sure you thank your nose for giving you that special moment.

And if you smell something stinky, well, don’t blame your nose. It’s just letting you know that those odor molecules are bad and you should throw away the evil, lumpy milk!

I’m off to tear open a bag of jelly beans. Mmmmmmmm…

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cake and vegetables

Happy National Carrot Cake Day! I am eating carrot cake right now. It is so good. Do you like carrot cake? Are you sure about that?

I was convinced that I did NOT like it. If you ever asked me to have a slice of carrot cake, I would have yelled, “Cake from a carrot?! Are you kidding?! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

And out loud, I would have said, “No thanks. I don’t like carrot cake.”

Well guess what! Both the loud voice inside my head and the voice that actually makes noises from my mouth would have been incorrect!

If you know me, you might have noticed that I’ve become a fan of pumpkin-related items lately. Like pie, muffins, cookies, and seeds. I distinctly remember not liking pumpkin pie as a kid. I can’t remember if I actually tried it, but I’m pretty sure I did. I’m also pretty sure I did not enjoy it.

Well, one day, my friend gave me a pumpkin cookie and I LOVED IT! So, I decided to retry some foods.

Because, as Shakespeare said, “doth not the appetite alter?” Apparently it doth! It dothed all over the place!

Feeling love for the pumpkins, I decided to try carrot cake again. Thank the good bard I did! It’s fantastic!

I mean, I love carrots. I literally eat them every day. And that’s not a “literally” that really means “figuratively.” It’s a very literal literally. Literally.

So why aren’t there other vegetable cakes? I love broccoli and peppers. Where are they?

OH! Just looked online and found that there is a beetroot cake AND a parsnip cake!

Parsnip is a fun word. Give me a minute. I’m going to say it a bunch of times.

…

Ok, back. And ready to get my cakes from vegetables! You should too! If you haven’t tried a food for a while, give it a shot. When I said I would die before eating carrot cake, I did not think I should live till I were caked with carrots!

I’m off to butcher more Shakespeare.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

today is a good day to collect unemployment

WARNING! This post has a lot of bad jokes involving Star Trek and the warrior race of Klingons. You have been warned!

Apparently warrioring (or is it warriorring?) isn’t too lucrative these days. At least, not in Illinois. Because Klingons are having a tough time finding work there.

It’s a little known (totally untrue) fact that Klingons love Chicago. And Chicago's lovely suburbs.

Actually, I’ve never been to Chicago or any of its suburbs, so I can’t really comment on their loveliness, but I’m sure they’re great. I don’t want to lead you astray with hearsay and rumors. I only work with truths and facts. (When it suits my needs.)

This part IS true. The Illinois Department of Unemployment offers information in Spanish, Polish, Russian, Chinese, and Klingon! So, obviously, there must be enough Klingon (or Klingon-speaking) families there to warrant that translation!

Though, you might not find any Klingons actually applying for unemployment. They are a very proud race and don’t like to ask for help. Like, ever.

Though, I hear there is a lot of good theatre in Chicago, so maybe it’s not the lack of a need for warriors, but rather a lack of needed actors. Because, as Gorkon said, “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon.”

Oh, you didn’t know? Shakespeare was a Klingon. Why do you think there’s so much fighting?

Also, can you understand anything in Shakespeare? No. Because it’s written in badly translated Klingon. Don’t they teach you this in Historical Literature Class?

FYI...if you’re a Chicago theatre, there are many Klingons looking for work. Sadly, there isn't a Star Trek show on right now in need of Klingon actors.

If you're looking for warriors in Chicago, there are plenty of Klingons ready for battle. Because Klingons don’t know the meaning of the word “unemployment.”

Seriously. They don’t. The word doesn’t exist to them. They’re warriors. They don’t give up.

I’m off to practice with my bat’leth.

Enjoy Everything. ( or “tlv Hoch” for you Klingons)

-dj

exit, pursued by a sith

Do you love Shakespeare?! Do you love Star Wars?! If so, I have a treat for you!

I just found out that somebody took “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” (the very first Star Wars movie that was released in 1977) and rewrote it in the style of…

SHAKESPEARE!

Yes! This is so profoundly epic that I can barely keep my insides from becoming my outsides! And vice versa!

It’s called “William Shakespeare’s Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope.” I found excerpts online and it’s magnificent.

I love Shakespeare and Star Wars. They’re both awesome. Ian Doescher realized that I would buy this and decided to write it. Just for me. Luckily, other people have awesome taste and it will probably be a best seller for a million, billion, quadrillion, flubillion years!

Ian made everything into iambic pentameter. If you know poetry, you know what that means. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter. Just know that Shakespeare approves.

Even R2-D2’s beeps are written in meter. It’s…I just don’t have the words. This makes me so excited.

This will sit on your shelf next to all those other Shakespeare classics like A Hoth Tale, A Midsummer Night's Disturbance in the Force, The Merchant of Vader, Han-let, Much Alderaan About Nothing, etc...

The only thing that could make me even mored exciteder would be if someone actually used this script to put on a play.

If you do that, call me forever until I answer my phone and please, please, please cast me in your show! I will do anything to be in it!

Buy the book. Read the book. Then buy it for me. Or you can buy one for me first. I’m cool with that.

I’m off to a “star-crossed galaxy far, far away.”

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all's well that intermissions well

Last night was awesome. AWE-SOME.

I totally got my Shakespeare on at the movies. See, there's this theatre in London, the Globe Shakespeare Theatre, that is pretty famous for putting on Shakespeare plays. Cuz it's in their name.

Anywhoozle, they filmed a performance of "All's Well That Ends Well" recently and played it at movie theaters across America. (I did the "theater" and "theatre" thing to avoid confusion for movies and playsies. Your welcome.)

It was really good. I don't know if you dig the Shakespeare, but it's iambically delicious. I put on my Shakespeare foam finger that says "Go To, Go To!" and got my "Let the prose handle it" t-shirt on and went to the movies!

There was ONE other person there. That's it! To make him feel less lonely, I decided to sit right next to him. He must not have liked his seat because he moved right after I sat down.

The best part? Intermission. EVERY MOVIE SHOULD HAVE INTERMISSION!

The first act was done and the lights came up and I looked at the guy and was, like, "Do we get an intermission just like at a real play?"

I asked the very friendly movie employees (who were awesome) and they told me the intermission was real. REAL AND AMAZING!

It was one of the greatest moments of my life. I got up. Went potty. Got some extra snacks. Did a few push-ups. Caught up on texts. Wrote a few tweets. Stretched my calves. Then got back for the second act with plenty of time!

Now, every time I go to a movie, I'm going to request an intermission about half-way through. I'm sure they'll accommodate my needs.

If you haven't experienced this yet, you should ask for it at your next movie adventure. You'll love it. Once you go intermission, you never go full session. (I can rhyme just like Shakespeare!)

I'm off to intermission my life.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj