cats in space

Iran wants to put a kitty in space! Because Iran wants to have the cutest space program ever!

Just imagine kitties in space suits. Are you imagining it? The cuteness is overwhelming, isn’t it?!

Apparently, Iran has been sending animals into space for the past few years. They did a mouse, a turtle, and some worms. I’m not sure if it was at the same time, but I really hope it was. That’s just a children’s book WAITING to happen!

Why isn’t Iran putting video of all this stuff on YouTube? Or getting Pixar to make movies? I mean, seriously, cute animals in space? It practically writes itself!

The latest trip (Space Animals 2) is coming soon and it’s going to be a cat, a mouse, or a rabbit going into space. I have no idea how they decide this, but if it’s anything like the movies, showing the three of them training for a space mission would be awesome!

It would be like Bucky O’Hare, Nyan Cat, and Mickey Mouse all competing to be the next animal in space.

Obviously Bucky would win. Because he’s funky AND fresh. Also, he goes where no other rabbit would dare. Plus, he has a laser gun.

I would totally watch a cartoon about space-kitties purring and fighting yarn and stuff. Or not even a cartoon! Just put a bunch of kitties in space and film it! Like, “Real Kitties of the Milky Way!”

I would watch that all the time, Iran! That’s what you need to do! That will get you funding for the next trip with cute and cuddly animals!

OH! Then you could do the next Puppy Bowl in space! Just a bunch of floating puppies.

People would completely forget about that weird football game. Trust me. I’m a TV executive every third Wednesday.

I’m off to be cute. In space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

robot revolution

Experts are pretty sure humans are done for. They say that robots will overtake us by 2100.

I don’t know if you think this is totally awesome or totally scary. I’m going to go with TOTALLY AWESOME!

Who cares if robots take over?! The world was getting so “human.” I mean, we all do these human things. Like work and move and stuff. What’s the point?

Once robots take over the world and start building new robots to replace old robots, we’ll be able to just sit and do NOTHING. How amazing will that be?!

We could be, like, pets to the robots! Do you ever look at your dog or your cat and think, “How loverly and lazily your life must be...ily! I wish that could be me...ily!”

Once robots take over, it CAN be you! We’ll play with balls of yarn and have automatic feeders and go for walks!

Instead of cat videos online, robots will post human videos of us doing crazy things! And do silly visual effects like adding lightsabers and stuff!

Okay…humans already do that without the aid of robots. I don’t know what that says about us…

Maybe they’ll build robot dragons and let me have one! That would be the coolest thing ever!

Now are you convinced to let the robots take over? I thought so. It’s going to be a good life.

I’m off to play with a ball of yarn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cat killed the curiosity

Well, if it was the Curiosity nuclear weapon/car that is currently on Mars, I think Curiosity would win.

Or would it???

Turns out cats are stone-cold killers. You think they're all sweet and cuddly and fuzzibly, but they are not. Every time you let these monsters out of your house, they go into what experts call "Berserker Kill Everything Mode."

They put little cameras on the cats to see what they do all day. They kill stuff! They bring home maybe a quarter of their kills. A quarter!

The American Bird Conservancy (or ABC) says that cats are to blame for 3, count'em, THREE, species of bird losing their numbers rapidly!

They're also to blame for a 63% increase in bird therapy!

Not only that, these cats engage in very risky behavior! They cross the road without looking. They eat and drink whatever they find on the ground! Go to the bathroom in public! Put graffiti everywhere!

These hoodlums need to be controlled!

That's why I'm adding an Emergency Kitty Task Force to all public safety budgets. They will be trained in the ways of the cat and be able to subdue any and all feline delinquents.

So far I'm the only one on this Task Force, but I can see our numbers doubling soon.

It's time we took back our streets! And our birds!

I'm off to go on patrol.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj