nuclear power at your fingertips

Or wrist, I guess. Because you can now have nuclear power in a watch!

YES! This is real! The Nuclear Watch provides "nuclear illumination for up to 25 years!" It's chock full of radioactive hydrogen atoms that light up the watch hands and the lines where all the numbers go.

And since this nuclear fission is just happening ALL THE TIME, everything stays lit up ALL THE TIME.

I'm not sure if I should be afraid or in awe of this thing. I mean, it's glowing. On you. Due to radiation. Which, I've HEARD, is bad for your wrist.

And all your other body parts, too.

I mean, this is literally a TICKING NUCLEAR TIME...piece.

The "Nuclear Regulatory Commission" says it's safe. I've never heard of the NRC. They claim they are real people. They just don't get much press. Nor do they get a health plan.

If I saw somebody wearing a watch that glowed with the power of radioactivity, I would not ask them for the time. I might catch a cold fusion or something. I don't want to risk that.

Have you ever had a cold? Think about that cold with FUSION added on to it!

I once had a case of cold fusion in middle school. It was not pleasant. History class was never the same again.

It is also the reason I never played football.

That, and the fact that in the four fundamental forces of nature, I'm total weak force. (This is, in fact, a totally hilarious joke because it has to do with radioactive decay. Look it up and you'll laugh. A lot. I promise.)

I'm off to check the time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cat killed the curiosity

Well, if it was the Curiosity nuclear weapon/car that is currently on Mars, I think Curiosity would win.

Or would it???

Turns out cats are stone-cold killers. You think they're all sweet and cuddly and fuzzibly, but they are not. Every time you let these monsters out of your house, they go into what experts call "Berserker Kill Everything Mode."

They put little cameras on the cats to see what they do all day. They kill stuff! They bring home maybe a quarter of their kills. A quarter!

The American Bird Conservancy (or ABC) says that cats are to blame for 3, count'em, THREE, species of bird losing their numbers rapidly!

They're also to blame for a 63% increase in bird therapy!

Not only that, these cats engage in very risky behavior! They cross the road without looking. They eat and drink whatever they find on the ground! Go to the bathroom in public! Put graffiti everywhere!

These hoodlums need to be controlled!

That's why I'm adding an Emergency Kitty Task Force to all public safety budgets. They will be trained in the ways of the cat and be able to subdue any and all feline delinquents.

So far I'm the only one on this Task Force, but I can see our numbers doubling soon.

It's time we took back our streets! And our birds!

I'm off to go on patrol.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj