planet looking for a good home

Do you think you have what it takes to care for a planet? Will you feed it, take it for walks, clean up after it, protect it from solar flares or attacks from Galactus?

If you think you can handle that responsibility, then have I got a planet for you!

A company called Uwingu is allowing YOU to adopt planets! You give them money for the adoption and they use that money for space research. I have NO idea what authority they have over the naming of planets.

Actually...none. The International Astronomical Union isn't really taking these names seriously. So, I guess it just depends on who stays in business longer. Uwingu or IAU. (If you adopt a planet, you better hope it's Uwingu!)

If I had a planet, I would name it Mogo. It would save the universe over and over again. Because that's what a Green Lantern does. (That's funny to somebody.)

Of course, if you don't want to raise a planet, but would rather LIVE on it, you can buy land from some guy in Nevada!

Yes, he "claims" to have "claimed" the planets in our solar system AND the moon. Apparently, the Outer Space Treaty (which is real) says that nations cannot claim land on the planets. But it said nothing about private businesses. So this guy said, "I owns it." in 1968 and, well, he now owns it.

600 million and 11 acres of the moon have been sold. For $19.99 an acre. 325 million acres have been sold on Mars. That's a little more expensive at $22.49 an acre.

The lesson I learned today? I should totally claim that I own something completely ridiculous so I can make tons of money selling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to people.

Oh, by the way, I own a magical land in the clouds with unicorn stables. So, if you'd like to buy one cloud-land, it'll only cost you $100. Unicorn stables are $200.

You're on your own trying to get there.

I'm off to make my millions.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year. I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! Tomorrow you will see my year of 2012, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last two years. Because my life continues FOREVER! It's, like, a Never Ending Story! So below, I put 2010 and 2011 with hopes that it will help you understand 2012. So curl up with your Luck Dragon and enjoy!

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

what is this bliss

I had to buy cleaning gloves. Now, I've bought many gloves in the past. I've never had a problem. No allergies to any kind. Latex or latex-free.

Even though they don't bother me, that doesn't stop me from trying Bliss!

Mr. Clean has created a "proprietary material" that is called "Bliss."

That means it's not latex. They don't actually tell you what Bliss is. It just...is.

After using Bliss for my cleaning, I think I can tell you the ingredients. It's the softest part of a cloud picked from the sky at the peak of ripeness.

Then magically blended with a shield made of white gold.

It's molded into the shape of a hand by a princess and a dragon who are best friends and wear friendship bracelets they made for each other at sleepaway camp two million years ago.

At this camp, they also made a birdhouse out of toothpicks, but that doesn't have to do with their friendship. They just liked doing it. Birds liked it too.

They make this hand of softness and protection with their princess/dragon powers and finally put it into a box sealed with love and happiness and sweetness and hugs.

Then they sell it to me in the store. Where I buy it. Then use it to clean my bathroom.

That is how you make Bliss.

At least, that's what I saw after I slipped in the tub.

I woke up a few days later with a nasty bruise on my head. And soft gloves on my hands.

It was a good day...days?

I'm off to clean with Bliss.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

reach for the skies...and touch them

Clouds are falling! So catch them if you can! Like Pokemon!

Well...less like Pokemon and more like...um...Cloudemon...or something...

So yeah, clouds are falling. NASA has this Multi-angle Imaging SpectroRadiometer (MISR) that just sits there and watches clouds all day. That's MISR's job. For the last decade!

That is a sweet job! I would totally do that for NASA. I'm great at watching clouds! I would even write down what shapes they were!

ME: "Here's my log for the day."

NASA: "Are you sure this is your final report."

ME: "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

NASA: "All is says is 'unicorns' and 'stegosauruseses' again."

ME: "I know! Those clouds need to work on some new shapes! See you tomorrow, boss!"

NASA: "...we shoulda kept MISR..."

MISR (not me) has noticed that clouds are about 100 or so feet closer to the ground these days.

What does that mean? Well, it could actually help with the effects of climate change. Or, make it worse. So...yeah...not really a definitive answer.

But with lower clouds, it WILL be easier to surf on them! So that's cool! My friend, Kit Cloudkicker, and I love doing that. We're hoping it's in the olympics someday.

I keep calling the olympics to ask them to add it, but they never call back. I'm not sure why. Maybe they don't like the nickname "Ollie."

I'm off to see cloud shapes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj