That line is hilarious to two other people. One of them probably doesn’t even remember me. The other probably isn’t reading this right now.
But in my head, I’m laughing so hard that if I were drinking some sort of liquid, it would be coming out of my nose. And possibly other places as well.
I'm afraid this post will get all ranty and I apologize for that. (I don't really, I love to rant!)
I realize that I’m often different. I don’t know how it happened. I remember when I first got a smartphone. It wasn’t that long ago, so if I didn’t remember it, we would have to worry about my brain.
It’s a good phone. It does what I want. Calls people. Texts people. Checks twitter. Plays Words with Friend. Maybe someday I’ll get another friend and I can upgrade to Words with Friends.
The phone isn’t bleeding edge. It wasn’t even newish when I got it. It just does what I need. Now, it’s been a few years and I’m looking for a new phone, but I was hoping for something smaller.
WHAT?! SMALLER?!?! Who wants that?! Well…me, I guess. And apparently I’m the only one.
My phone has a 4.3-inch screen. Which is actually average to small these days. But I hate carrying around something so big!
So, I’m thinking of getting an iPhone 4s with a 3.5-inch screen. Because I'm very secure.
I really thought I would want a big screen, but I’m finding out that I really hate carrying it around.
Why am I talking about this? I have no idea. I just needed to vent. And my Friend from Words is sick of hearing about it.
Though, Apple doesn’t have Swype. Swype is a magical keyboard that makes me happier than peanut butter. You should try it.
But, I am a fan of items named after fruit. Especially apples. Apples are good.
But apples and peanut butter are even better.
I’m off to compare sizes.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
pecan do it
That headline is funny if you pronounce “pecan” as “pee-can.” If you say “pih-kahn” or “pee-kahn,” then I’m not very clever. Let’s pretend I am very clever.
I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!
I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.
I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!
Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?
Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!
Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!
I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe "I'm pies about nuts!" Or both.
I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.
Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.
OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!
On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.
I’m off to nut some pies.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!
I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.
I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!
Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?
Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!
Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!
I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe "I'm pies about nuts!" Or both.
I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.
Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.
OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!
On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.
I’m off to nut some pies.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, November 22, 2013
scare your kids
I just read a story about some parents who move their children’s toys around every night so the kids think that they are alive.
Apparently the kids love it! I would have been so scared if I saw this every morning! Maybe I’m a little more skittish than other children, but if my dinosaurs were in different places every morning, my first thought would be, “when are they finally coming for me?!”
This is also a great time for me to thank my parents for not getting an elf that resides on a shelf...and moves while I sleep. That freaks me out!
What if you woke up one morning and the elf was in your bed. JUST STARING AT YOU.
My bed-wetting days would start all over again!
Speaking of that elf, turns out, through extensive DNA testing, the elf has a Jewish cousin. The Mensch on the Bench. This mensch has the same quirk of going out in the middle of the night and then finding himself somewhere else the next morning.
I don’t know if Elf and Mensch need help, but I’ve had friends who have had this problem of waking up in strange places every morning. Some counseling took care of (most of) their problems.
Now that I think about it, The Elf and the Mensch would be a great premise for a cop show.
But I digress. I think. I’m not sure if I really digress or if I actually intend on going where I go. It’s a mystery that only Detectives Elf and Mensch can solve!
Oh great, now I have the Law & Order theme song stuck in my head.
I’m off to make sure my toys aren’t plotting against me.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Apparently the kids love it! I would have been so scared if I saw this every morning! Maybe I’m a little more skittish than other children, but if my dinosaurs were in different places every morning, my first thought would be, “when are they finally coming for me?!”
This is also a great time for me to thank my parents for not getting an elf that resides on a shelf...and moves while I sleep. That freaks me out!
What if you woke up one morning and the elf was in your bed. JUST STARING AT YOU.
My bed-wetting days would start all over again!
Speaking of that elf, turns out, through extensive DNA testing, the elf has a Jewish cousin. The Mensch on the Bench. This mensch has the same quirk of going out in the middle of the night and then finding himself somewhere else the next morning.
I don’t know if Elf and Mensch need help, but I’ve had friends who have had this problem of waking up in strange places every morning. Some counseling took care of (most of) their problems.
Now that I think about it, The Elf and the Mensch would be a great premise for a cop show.
But I digress. I think. I’m not sure if I really digress or if I actually intend on going where I go. It’s a mystery that only Detectives Elf and Mensch can solve!
Oh great, now I have the Law & Order theme song stuck in my head.
I’m off to make sure my toys aren’t plotting against me.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
robot hunting
Police in Florida have created robot deer! See, there's a problem with people hunting out of season and this is their plan to solve it. The robots just sit there looking all deery and when a hunter (not following the hunting season laws) shoots it, the deer will transform into a police officer and arrest the hunter! (Transformation may not actually be true.)
The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.
Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn't happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.
Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It's so easy!
Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don't worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.
But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!
Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn't hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.
I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that's the sort of risk I take. You don't accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.
Though, the ad DID say "Cakewalkers Needed." And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.
Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.
I'm dangerous like that.
I'm off to transform into a deer.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.
Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn't happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.
Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It's so easy!
Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don't worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.
But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!
Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn't hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.
I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that's the sort of risk I take. You don't accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.
Though, the ad DID say "Cakewalkers Needed." And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.
Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.
I'm dangerous like that.
I'm off to transform into a deer.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Monday, November 18, 2013
shoot my suit
Is being a professional-type person dangerous? I don’t really know what “professional” people do. I know they wear suits. I know this because I’ve seen it on TV.
See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.
It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.
What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!
I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.
If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.
I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.
Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.
Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.
It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.
Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!
OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!
I’m off to learn the alphabet.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.
It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.
What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!
I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.
If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.
I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.
Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.
Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.
It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.
Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!
OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!
I’m off to learn the alphabet.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Friday, November 15, 2013
conversations with a cat
I have a neighbor with a cat. His name is Sammy and he meows A LOT. The cat, not the neighbor.
Every day I come home from work and Sammy starts meowing from under the stairs. That sounds weird, but it’s not. I live upstairs and Sammy lives below me.
I’ve lived here for a few years. And every day I will talk to Sammy. I’m not sure if I look crazy when I do this.
People can clearly hear Sammy meowing. He’s LOUD. So when I respond, people MUST know that I’m talking to the cat, right?
This is normal?
It will go something like this.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Hi Sammy!
Sammy: Meow.
Me: I know, I heard.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Seriously? I guess that’s cool.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Don't tell me what happens, I'm not caught up yet!
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Ain’t that the truth!
And this will go on for 20 minutes or so. I actually have no idea what Sammy is meowing about. But in my head, he and I have a lot in common.
Also, I don’t know if this is weird, but I want to buy “Congrats” balloons and put them on random people’s mailboxes. Just to congratulate them on being them. And other people will think they achieved something special.
Sammy thinks this is also a good idea. So I’m pretty sure people will love it.
I’m off to chat with a cat.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Every day I come home from work and Sammy starts meowing from under the stairs. That sounds weird, but it’s not. I live upstairs and Sammy lives below me.
I’ve lived here for a few years. And every day I will talk to Sammy. I’m not sure if I look crazy when I do this.
People can clearly hear Sammy meowing. He’s LOUD. So when I respond, people MUST know that I’m talking to the cat, right?
This is normal?
It will go something like this.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Hi Sammy!
Sammy: Meow.
Me: I know, I heard.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Seriously? I guess that’s cool.
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Don't tell me what happens, I'm not caught up yet!
Sammy: Meow.
Me: Ain’t that the truth!
And this will go on for 20 minutes or so. I actually have no idea what Sammy is meowing about. But in my head, he and I have a lot in common.
Also, I don’t know if this is weird, but I want to buy “Congrats” balloons and put them on random people’s mailboxes. Just to congratulate them on being them. And other people will think they achieved something special.
Sammy thinks this is also a good idea. So I’m pretty sure people will love it.
I’m off to chat with a cat.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
more canadian currency
Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!
Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”
Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!
The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.
The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.
These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!
It will be so much fun!
Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”
Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”
Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”
Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”
Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.
I’m off to syrup my maple.
Enjoy Everything.
-dj
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