the lack of a need for speed

Ketchup (or catsup) moves at a whopping .028 miles per hour.

A slug (or slugsup) moves at a blazing .030 miles per hour.

If you're too hip to know what those things are, it's like the difference between 3G and 4G on your multi-purpose mobile device (or #iPhonesup).

Us old school folks still use ketchup and slugs. I love ketchup. I love it almost as much as I love pickles. And you KNOW I love pickles! I love to dip pickles in ketchup. So goooooooood! Slugs...I don't know. I never tried them with pickles or ketchup.

Some people didn't like how slow ketchup moved out of the ketchup bottle. I agree. When I want my ketchup, I want it NOW. I do NOT like to wait for my food!

That's where the folks at MIT come in. They made a coating that goes onto a glass bottle that prevents stickage! Whatever is in the bottle will just slide right out!

This is perfect for gamblers who always lose when they put their money on the ketchup during those ketchup/slug races that we all love.

It's also good so you don't waste food. Because it won't be all stucks to the sides of the bottle.

Science: Making things faster than slugs for over 37 million years.

I'm off to race a slug.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hiccup wake up

I think I woke up the other night to a hiccup fit. I'm not sure, though.

See, I woke up in the middle of the night because I could not stop hiccuping. And I woke up because I was dreaming about hiccuping.

I was CONVINCED that I was only hiccuping because I was DREAMING about hiccuping.

I think that's called psychosomatic. Or psychoinsomniac.

Whatever it is, I got back to bed and told myself I didn't have the hiccups and that it was all in my head. Then I went back to sleep.

I know this is all very boring right now. BUT, here's the good part.

I got up that morning and I have NO idea if this really happened! I might have been dreaming about dreaming about hiccuping. Then, woke up from the dream within a dream and was just in one dream about waking up from psychosomniactic hiccups!

Then woke up for real having no idea where I was, what I was doing, and why I couldn't use my debit card!

Wait...maybe that was another dream. I can't keep track of all of it.

Is it a problem if you don't know what's real and what's a dream?

Not that I have that problem...I was just askin...for a friend.

I'm off to take a nap.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

light the way to the bathroom

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of the dark, but when it's dark, I get afraid. Thank goodness for my night lights! They're so helpful!

But! I might not have the perfect night light path. I live in a pretty small apartment, but it's still hard to walk around at night since I have so much junk.

I also have three different night lights. Each is a different size and shape and brightness.

I COULD buy more, but I don't have any money in the Night Light Slush Fund. I had to take all the money from the Night Light Jar and put it into the Comic Book Slush Fund Jar and the Food Slush Fund Jar and the Slushie Slush Fund Jar. Slush is fun to say.

Those jars are also empty. Slush empty.

Now I'm trying to figure out the PERFECT location for each night light. See, if I put the bright one in the bathroom, I can REALLY SEE the sink from far away!

Unfortunately, the trail TO the sink is darkish. But if I put the bright one in the middle of the path to the sink, the bathroom is dark.

And don't get me started on the medium light. I have no idea where to put that.

To make things even MORE complicated, the medium light has color options. Green and blue. I keep switching it to see if one is brighter than the other.

I think green is slightly brighter. But it might be the blue option.

Luckily, when I spend hours at night trying to figure this out, I don't feel crazy.

That only happens when I talk about after.

Hows abouts we ignore this whole conversation and talk about something else like ponies or sorbet or yarn. Those are all not-crazy topics.

I'm off to change the subject.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

perfectly packed pickles, please

We are in the middle of International Pickle Week! Some of you may know that I'm a HUGE fan of the pickle. It is my favorite fruit/vegetable. I say fruit/vegetable because it is generally called a vegetable unless you go to court. By law, it is a fruit.

If you are ever in a law pickle where a pickle was used for something illegal, make sure you call it a fruit. The U.S. Supreme Court will (maybe) arrest you if you do not.

As much as I love pickles, I did NOT know there was an actual organization regulating pickles. Pickle Packers International has been "serving the pickled vegetable industry for over 100 years."

Or "pickled fruit industry" for you Supreme Courters.

The PPI has all sorts of great information on their website.

Wanna dance? Try the Pickle Polka!

Going out for a fancy date? You can buy some pickle earrings and a bracelet!

But they're not ALL fun & games! (Please ignore the fact that there is a "Fun & Games" section on their website.)

They will also test your pickle's crunch. For your pickle to be deemed an OFFICIAL pickle, it MUST have an audible crunch that can be heard from a minimum distance of 10 paces.

Anything less than that and the pickle is destroyed. And you are slapped with a much sturdier regulation pickle.

So be careful. I've been pickle-slapped before. It hurts.

Luckily, I was able to eat it after. And the Vitamin K healed my wounds. (In case you forgot, pickles are jam-packed with Vitamin K. And Vitamin K has been unproven to heal all wounds.)

I'm off to pickle polka.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tires shouldn't do this

I don't know much about cars, but I'm PRETTY sure tires are not supposed to get all woobly when you are driving. And if they do, should you keep driving? Even if they unwooble?

I was driving the other day. On the highway. Or freeway. Or parkway. Or motorway. Or autobahn. I actually don't know if there is a difference with any of those words. Pick your favorite.

I was driving. It was a road. I was not woobling. Everybody was going pretty fast. One car on this road started to slow down because their front wheels were NOT going straight. They were totally wobbling! Like crazy!

This car slows down a little. Then the wheels magically straighten out! So they speed off again!

If my tires EVER got possessed like that, I would stop in the middle of the road and trade my car with somebody who did NOT have wobble-wheels!

I've never seen anything like it.

I've also never seen anything like a giant cake falling from the sky and landing in my arms.

(I'm hoping that "things I've never seen before" start becoming "things I have seen and will possibly eat")

...

No cake yet. I'll wait. I mean, I saw the wibbly, wobbly, woobly wheels. I SHOULD be seeing that cake soon.

It would be cool if car tires were also cake. And instead of air, you filled it with cotton candy. A cotton candy filled cake-tire sounds delicioustastic.

I'm off to taste my tires.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

everybody ride the turtle

I love turtles. They're really cool. And super cute!

Plus, some of them become ninjas. Which is totally radalicious.

Also, 60 million years ago, they were cars!

Well, not cars, but as big as a small car. I have a small car (its name is Blue Kryptonite 360, if you didn't know). I love my small car.

But I would NOT complain if I drove to work every morning on a GIANT TURTLE!

These giant turtles also had giant jaws that could eat crocodiles!

Which is perfect because, like you, I'm always avoiding crocs on my drive to work in the morning.

So, in a perfect world, I would put on my driving scarf and my driving goggles, hop on my turtle, and zoom off to work. Without worrying about getting eaten by crocodiles.

Well...in a perfect world I would be the Mayor of Candy City. And the crocodiles would be chocolate. The turtle would not be, though. Because I don't want to drive candy. I want to eat it.

I like this world. Let's make it happen.

I'm off to do my candy mayoral-duties.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the best way to relax is free

I was driving home and I saw a toilet on the side of the road. I guess somebody was throwing it out. I LOVE stuff on the side of the road. It's so much fun! And it is FREE!

Toilets are probably number 6 on my list of 27 Best Things I See On The Side Of The Road.

Number 14 is an abandoned car with a mattress on it. That moved up from 17 for obvious reasons.

You know what I don't like on the side of the road? Werewolves. They're all bitey and stuff. It's the reason I don't run at night.

Everything else is helpful, though. Maybe you run at night. Then you have to go to the bathroom. BAM! Toilet on the side of the road!

You run some more. Suddenly you're too tired to move and you need sleep. WHAM! Mattress on a car!

You don't want to walk home. LUCKY! The mattress is on a car that will drive you home!

Werewolves come out to play. CHOMP!

You're now a werewolf.

That's why you don't run at night. No matter how tempting the toilets and mattressessess are.

I learned that lesson more than once. And twice. And thrice.

I'm off to run in the sun.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

countries at rock bottom prices!

I live in the United States of America. There are a bunch of states. Some unincorporated territories. A federal district. Decent places.

But what we really need is a Greece! We don't have one of those yet!

The European Union isn't happy with Greece. They're all, like, "You don't have any money to pay rent."

Greece isn't happy with the E.U. and they're all, "We want to be the minority! We don't need your austerity!" (Green Day reference. It's clever. Trust me. It might make one person laugh.)

(Parenthetical side note: I don't even know what the word austerity means. And I don't understand world economics. I never even heard of the European Union until this morning. But I do consider myself an expert in the subject.)

If Greece goes solo, the United States should pick it up! We can probably get it super cheap. And who doesn't love a deal? I think I saw it on groupon today, too! Even better!

Greece has some nice mountains. Beautiful islands! Seals and turtles live there in harmony! Why wouldn't you want to buy it?!

Cuz if you don't buy it, I will.

Greece: It's Hellas Good. (Look it up. That's another clever reference that nobody will get without doing some research. I think it's funny.)

I'm off to find more olympic sized jokes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

putting the ants in plants

Here's the headline I saw: "Carnivorous Plants Employ Bodyguard Ants."

WHAT?! If you weren't scared about the end of the world before, you should be now!

These plants (THAT EAT MEAT, BY THE WAY) pay ants with nectar to protect them from enemies on the ground so they can catch MEAT ANIMALS from above.

Not scared?

How about this: Plants can use their roots to walk. I've seen it. On TV. In cartoons. And once they get as big as houses, THEY MOVE PRETTY FAST.

Imagine giant plants coming to town to EAT MEAT with an army of bodyguard ants in front of them. What chance do we have?!

Oh, in case you forgot, YOU ARE MEAT. Again...these plants EAT MEAT.

Are you getting it now?! Are you scared?!

You should be. This is doomsday scenario #962.

I have 8,487 scenarios. 7,034 of them involve dinosaurs.

Sometimes they help the humans fight robots. Sometimes they eat first and ask questions later.

I like the times when I ride them like horsies. Those are the fun scenarios.

Maybe I should start a list of "Fun Riding Dinosaurs" scenarios instead of "Doomsday" scenarios.

I'm off work on my lists.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

don't complain, it's natural

Gassy dinosaurs caused global warming! YEP! All that methane from giant dinos made for a "hot, wet Mesozoic era." Can you IMAGINE what that smelled like?!

Stinky!

Unlike me. I'm never stinky.

And you, too. You are never stinky.

Aren't we lucky to never be stinky like that? We are.

So these dinosaurs were tootin' up a storm keeping the planet nice and warm for all their dinosaur games when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant rock from the planet Krypton crashes into Earth and blocks out the sun!

No more sun meant no more plants. And no more plants meant no more food. No more food meant no more methane keeping us all snuggly warm.

That's when the Ice Cream Age started! That's my favorite. It was all vanilla and yummy.

Dinosaurs ate all the ice cream. But ice cream didn't make them gassy, so it stayed cold and they didn't have wool socks to keep them warm because sheep hadn't been invented yet.

So they froze and only came back recently like Captain America.

Luckily, now we can enjoy ice cream with Captain America on hot, wet Mesozoic days.

I'm off to produce some methane.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not just national, international and universal

Do you like different nations? Do you love chili? Then you should be a part of the International Chili Society!

You didn't know it existed? OF COURSE IT DOES!

Chili is so good that chili-lovers HAD to make a society.

It started out as the National Chili Society, but when the Cayman Islands heard about it, they needed to get in on the action.

So it went international.

Lucky for me I have the inside scoop. My chili man, Mario, keeps me informed of all things chilified.

I also have a salsa guy, a Lego gal, and a blueberry otter.

I like chili a lot, though. So I went bigger. I'm part of the UNIVERSAL Chili Society!

You haven't had chili until you've tasted it from Kepler-20 e. That place knows HOT! (Literally. Look it up.)

Actually, since there isn't really a Universal Chili Society (because I just made it up), I have decided that I will be King Chili Master of the Universe.

By the power of Chili-Skull! I have the capsicum!!!!!!!

I also like chili-cheese fries. So good.

I'm off to talk to my otter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cinco de mayo comic de moono

Wow! The number 5 is great! And it's even greaterer when it comes in May this year!

I found out that May 5 is called "The "Revenge of the Fifth" because the fourth is Star Wars day. And one day isn't enough to celebrate Star Wars. Are you getting excited? I am! But that's just the beginning!

Saturday is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday night we will have the BIGGEST FULL MOON OF THE YEAR!

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Can this much awesomnisity happen at the same time?!

The answer to that question is YES. The Supermoon (a perfect name for Free Comic Book Day) will be extra-big and extra-bright and extra-moony.

It will be as close as the moon can get. You might be able to touch it if you stand on your tippy toes.

So if you thought NOTHING was happening this weekend, think again. And then think one more time. And once more just for funsies.

Now stop thinking! And get the Star Wars and comic books ready!

And get your moons ready!

It's gonna be a good weekend.

I'm off to touch the moon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i warned you about the birds

I know you thought that bird WAS the word...but that's not true anymore.

Birds now KNOW the words. And they're teaching their friends.

People in Australia teach their parrots how to speak. Now, these birds pretend to be cool inside their cages, but they're really just plotting their escape. They learn everything they need to know from their human captors. Then escape into the wild.

Once free, they teach other birds all the words they learned.

I'm pretty sure they're planning to take over the world. There are over 800 species of birds in Australia. If ALL of them attacked at once, what chance would we have?

We're lucky for two reasons:

1. I have friends in the koala community. By friends I mean spies. By spies I mean highly trained ninja koalas.

2. The birds only know how to say "vegemite" and "tim-tams."

3. Unless those are "code words" that mean "attack" and "I love cookies."

4. I do know if you hear a bird say "throw a wobbly," you should run.

5. I don't know what it means, but I have wounds that say it's bad.

6. I'm off to get a chokkie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

not just may day anymore

Everybody knows it's May Day, but it is ALSO Lei Day!

In Hawaii they make sure to get their lei on. There is even a song from 1927 called "May Day is Lei Day in Hawaii."

It's true! Jason Mraz even sings it! That must mean it's historical!

It is also Save The Rhino Day. A day when we praise the rhinoceros for all its knee-less goodness.

I know it's fun to celebrate all sorts of different days, but I REALLY think we should combine these two!

You put a lei on a rhinoceros and what do you get? A happy rhino that won't run into you and horn you into next week.

Which would be bad because next week is NOT Lei Day OR Rhino Day. If you get horned into next week, you'll just be celebrating No Socks Day.

And the LAST thing you want is to be riding a rhino without any socks on. It's terribly uncomfortable. For you and the rhino.

I think I'm writing about a lot of "Days" these days. It might be because I have nothing else to write about (probably), but it also might have to do with the "What Every Day Is" calendar that I got for Buy Somebody A Calendar Day last month.

Either way, it's all you got.

I'm off to check my calendar.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj