I wash my car at night

So I can't see the spots I missed? What?!

I was driving. At night. Because legally I can do that now (Take that, sunset!). And it was a dark night. You know, not a whole lot of moon out there.

I drove by a house and saw somebody washing their car! The only reason I could see the car-washing was because my headlights were on! This was a dark area and I couldn't see any lights from his house or anything!

Just washing his car! In the dark!

Why would you do that?! Like, what advantage do you have by washing your car at night? Is there some secret I don't know about? Something about getting a cleaner clean or a sparklier sparkle or a buffier buff by doing it under the stars?

Does it even have anything to do with the stars?

I DON'T KNOW! Because I was too afraid to stop and ask! C'mon...you mean to tell me that you would stop and talk to somebody who was washing their car at night? That wouldn't frighten you?

Want to scare kids coming up to your house this halloween? Be that guy washing your car in your driveway. If any Batman or Cinderella is brave enough to walk up that driveway, they have EARNED your candy.

I couldn't do it. I'm not that strong.

Luckily, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to use a legally-acquired credit card to purchase LARGE AMOUNTS OF CANDY from the store WITHOUT having to walk by nighttime car-washers.

Take that wax-man!

I'm off to load up in the seasonal aisle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

politi-call me maybe

Okay, that title is genius. I'm willing to admit that. I feel very proud of it.

Well...it would be really even much funnierer if it was about getting calls on your phone-receiving mobile device.

It's not. I just thought it was a funny title. BUT! I am talking about politics a little bit.

Don't run away! I'm not actually talking about anything interesting! Don't worry!

So, I see these signs on people yards. With names on them. They say things like, "Vote For President Person! For America And Stuff!" Or something like that. I don't actually pay attention.

But see, those signs can't do anything to sway me! What's the point of them?! I mean, does anybody drive by a sign with a name on it and think, "WOW! Look at that beautiful lawn! So green and lush and pyhlled (get it?) with chloro! Lawns like that love Romney? Huh...I should vote for Romney!"

Or perhaps, "Those garden gnomes and pink flamingos clearly love Obama. I have been known to agree with gnomes AND flamingos on many of my political ideals. Clearly I need to change my vote to Obama!"

Now, admittedly, I have been known to be swayed by green lawns and pink flamingos. But garden gnomes? Really?

I never agree with silent letters. I always feel like they're hiding something.

I'm off to put a sign on my yard. (That's a joke. I don't have a yard.)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pets from mars

I'm not shy about my mars-rover-crush on Curiosity. It's pretty awesome.

Besides being a crazy-awesome adventurer, Curiosity now has a pet! A pet rock named Jake! How cool is that?!

What? You don't think that's cool? Okay. I've got a few minutes to kill. You go call all your friends and tell me how many of them have a pet on mars. Seriously. Go call. I'll wait.

...

So...anybody? Anybody at all? NOBODY! That's right! You don't know anybody with a pet on Mars!

That's what makes Jake so cool! Instead of playing catch, Curiosity will play "elemental composition" with Jake. It's a fun game involving a spectrometer. And instead of petting, there will be "laser-zapping."

Don't worry, Jake LOVES laser-zapping. It's, like, his second favorite thing. Right after being a rock. ON MARS.

I once had a pet twig on Neptune, but he went to a twig farm. That's what my parents told me. We used to play all sorts of games. House, hide & seek, tea chat, Stratego, Boggle. The usual. Then one day I guess he felt the need for more space. So he went to a twig farm.

I guess I was smothering him. I don't know. I would have given him more space if he needed it. Maybe I should go to a farm. I need some space from you, twig. I NEED MY SPACE TOO, YOU KNOW!

Ahem...sorry...still a little sensitive.

I'm off to adopt a rock.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more candy corn goo

I did it. I bought the Oreo cookies that have a candy corn creme filling. I bet you didn't know that you could actually make a creme that tasted like candy corns. Well Oreo did it!

After only 100 years of research, the Oreo creme chefs have figured out the proper combination of sugar and artificial flavor to make a cookie with an orange and yellow filling that tastes like candy corn!

And again, as stated in an earlier entry, I don't really like candy corn. But I must say, again, that making a good food taste LIKE candy corn makes it taste good!

I don't understand HOW this happens, but it does. Consistently. I think the candy corn company should just stop making little hard nubbies of yuckiness and sell their flavor to every other food product.

Like a candy corn Hot Pocket!

Maybe you could make a candy corn flavor for Lysol spray! You can't eat it, though. You can only kill germs with it. Candy cornish germs.

Do they make a candy corn coffee???  If not, they should! Forget that pumpkin spice! That's so last Halloween!

What about a candy corn vegetable dip?! What's better with celery than a glob of candy corn goo hanging off the end!

NOTHING. That's what.

I know what you're thinking. "Why don't you go into the food making business and make millions of dollars with your brilliant candy corn ideas?"

I will answer that question with a holiday: Bastille Day.

I'm off to flavor my coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

tilt a head

I've noticed that lately I tilt my head back to drink sometimes. Like, I take a drink, and then instead of just swallowing it, I look up at the ceiling first and let the beverage just fall down!

Is that weird? I mean, I don’t actually have a problem swallowing food or beverages. I do it all the time. I just ate an apple a few minutes ago and deglutition went off without a hitch.

So why do I do that? Am I lazy? Is my esophagus getting lazy? Is that a problem? Is there a medical problem with a lazy esophagus?

Esophagus is a fun word. OH! I wonder if that is the full, proper name for people called Gus!

“Hello! What’s your name, friend!”

“Esophagus Maximilian Partugalian.”

“Well, that is quite the fancy name!”

“Yes, but all my friends call me Gus. And since you are my friend, you should also call me Gus"

“Whoa there Gus! I was just saying “friend” to be cordial. Let’s not get all huggy yet!”

That was the conversation I had earlier at the gas station. It makes more sense to me now.

Poor Esophagus. He probably thinks I’m saying he’s lazy now. I’m not. I promise.

He did take a swig of coffee and then tilt his head up, though…just sayin…

I’m off to lazily drink.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

to boldly go

I saw a squirrel running across the road the other day. Not just any road. A HIGHWAY road! That’s right! This little rodent didn't care about seeing cars driving north and figured the view of them driving south might be better, so he wanted to cross the highway.

THAT is a bold maneuver.

I know that it's bold because I’ve seen the afterwards of "those who didn't make it." And when someone is brave enough to try it again, I give them major credit.

And credit is given to Odysseus the Squirrel! Who made it across 91 North! I know his name because he told me. We had a moment while he was crossing. I slowed down a little so I wouldn’t hurt him. And as I did that, he looked at me. I just "knew" everything I needed to know.

He chose me to tell his story. And tell his story I did! The brave tale of the squirrel that went westward to get a new life!

I once saw a bear crossing the road. That wasn’t as epic. I mean, it was just to get to the other side. It wasn’t like a journey or anything.

Now if that bear had a squirrel-head? THAT would be something! You don't see those very often!

At least, I don't. I don't know who you hang out with, but if that's something you see every day, I want to meet your friends.

Partly because you hang with an interesting crowd. Mostly because I have no friends.

I'm off to explore with the squirrels.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all that candy cornery

It's almost Halloween! The best holiday ever! Because it's all about candy!!!

Unfortunately, there is this stuff called "candy corn" that I've never actually liked. You would THINK it was awesome. Corn is good. Candy is good. Candy Corn SHOULD be amazing!

It is not.

Well...it didn't USED to be. NOW it is! Because it has inspired other (good) candies to have a corn flavor! And those are good! It's so weird, but it feels so good!

Like Candy Corn DOTS! Now, I know what you're thinking, "All DOTS taste the same, don't they?"

Yes. Yes, they do. And every single color is wonderful. Including candy corn color.

M&Ms also made a Candy Corn candy-coated treat. This has white chocolate inside the coating made of candy. I actually don't like white chocolate too much.

And, if you remember from earlier, I don't really like candy corn.

BUT! When you put a hard shell over white chocolate and claim that it has natural and artificial candy corn flavor? It tastes good!

It's shocking! There are wonders in this world. And most of them are made from sugar.

Thank goodness for that. It would be a shame if the closest thing to a "wonder" we had was made out of turnips. That would ruin my day.

Though...add a candy coating and we might have something. Hmmm...

I'm off to coat my turnip DOTS with a shell.

Enjoy Everything!

-dj

the power of chess

I know how to play chess. Not well, but I know the rules. Regular chess. I've never actually played Wizard's Chess or Tri-Dimensional Chess. I would LIKE to play those, but I am not in Hogwarts. Nor am I on the Enterprise.

Since I only know how to play non-futuristic, muggle chess, my friend asked me to help her out. She wants to learn.

I would love to teach her some of the basics, but I have a small problem.

I can't play chess without singing "The Power" by Snap. You know, "I got the power! Ducga dunneh neh neh." I like that part.

So when I move my knight, I have to sing. It's a weird compulsion and I just can't stop it.

This does NOT psych the other player out. I still lose. A lot. I also lose all my chess-playing friends this way.

But you know what?! I won't stop! If people can't handle my chessness, then they can take their chess somewhere else!

You know why?

Because I GOT THE POWER! DUCGA DUN NEH NEH NEH!

I'm off to check and mate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

retraction and a toothbrush

Um...so...I maybe got a little too excited about Voyager 1 yesterday. Well...the press release got a little too excited and I may have possibly by chance encouraged that excitement with many exclamation points.

Sooooooo...Voyager 1 IS really far away from us. Like, 11 billion miles away. That part hasn't changed. BUT! It's not really escaping the plasma bubble that surrounds our solar system. It looks like that could take another 15 years. So yeah...

What ISS cool?! Astronauts on the International Space Station (Get the ISS joke now at the beginning of this paragraph? Funny, right?) were able to install a "critical power-switching box" with the help of a toothbrush! YES! ALWAYS travel with a toothbrush! There were some metal shavings in the socket and they just brushed them out. Now the socket has no cavities.

How's that for awesome space news! And I'm pretty almost sure that it won't be retracted!

OH! Speaking of retraction...sorta. My body kinda retracted some cereal. I was eating cereal and choked on a flake. (I don't know WHY air and food has the same entry. It's very troublesome.) Somehow, this flake went up my nose! So I had to blow my nose to get the flake pieces out!!!

SO GROSS!

I couldn't stop laughing! It was epic!

Now THAT will not be retracted. Though, some people might wish it wasn't even tracted in the first place.

I'm off to tract and retract myself.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pop the giant plasma bubble

Voyager 1 is gonna pop the bubble! That's right! It's getting ready to break through the giant plasma bubble that is the edge of our solar system.

WHAT?! YES! After 35 years of just floating away from Earth, this thing is going farther than any object we threw into space!

I know. There's a lot of space stuff going on this week. But don't blame me! Blame the awesomeness of NASA! It's their fault that so much cool stuff is happening!

How amazing is it that something is still sending us information from over 11 BILLION miles away! It takes 17 hours for info from Voyager 1 to even get to us!

That's like texting somebody a question and then not getting an answer for 34 hours!

Voyager 1: LOL. Plasma bubble tickles. U shud visit. j/k srsly, tho, could u send some music? I'm boreddddd.

17 hours pass...

Earth: gr8 to hear from u V1! U R funny. U R a machine. U don't get bored. thx 4 all the sweet space info!

17 hours pass...

Voyager 1: forgot to mention...radiation changed me. now sentient. ur refusal to help will result in a death ray.

17 hours pass...

Earth: LOL!

17 hours pass

Voyager 1: not a j/k. u have 17 hours until my death ray hits you.

That was 3 hours ago. We still have 14 hours left!

I'm off to send an ipod to Voyager 1.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

space is so sweet

I love space. I love sugar. I LOVE SPACE SUGAR!

There is sugar in space! How did I not hear about this before?! I mean, seriously, what would be better than space sugar?!

Imagine putting sugar FROM SPACE in your coffee! It would taste like SPACE COFFEE!

Or maybe getting it in your cookies for SPACE COOKIES!

Sweet tea? TRY SPACE TEA!

That's not awesome enough for you? How about adding this fruit to your info salad! The sugar (IN SPACE) is swirling around a star. A sun-like star. This means the sugar could start the building blocks FOR LIFE!

A whole planet MADE OF SUGAR! Walk up to a tree. Try eating it. Not easy, right? How about a TREE MADE FROM SPACE SUGAR!

Let us recap. Space. Sugar. Everything tastes sweet.

Goals in life: Speed up creation of sugar planet. Build space rocket. Drink space coffee. Eat space cookie. (Repeat cookie goal regularly.) Move to sugar planet. Live awesome life of sugar and spaceness.

I think it's going to be a good day.

I'm off to sweeten the space.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj