shhh…no more words

Every year people who write articles online tell me what words I should STOP using. These people claim they are “experts” in "wordology." I am very "skeptical" of that "claim."

I know they actually have people who read their articles. Unlike me. I don't technically have "readers." But really, what is “reading?” Is it the act of looking at words on a page and then remembering some of them to make some sort of coherent story?

Or is it writing a blog that is put online for the entirety of the internet to “absorb” into its collective?

I say the second one. Quotes and all.

So what word pops up on all these lists of words that we shouldn’t use anymore? YOLO!

If you are unfamiliar with it, it stands for Your Orange Looks Organic.

Wait…that’s not it. That’s just what I said to that lady in the produce section. She did NOT appreciate my compliment.

It means You Only Live Once. I think all these wordycists are upset with this phrase because it’s not true for many people.

James Bond, for example. He lived at least twice.

He likes to tweet #YOLT. Which is WAY more fun to say.

Also, Time Lords. Like The Doctor. It’s more like #YOLTTUTTLGYMRFTPDGYAUAOER

You Only Live Thirteen Times Unless The Time Lords Grant You More Regenerations From Their Pocket Dimension Giving You An Unspecified Amount Of Extra Regenerations

So, yeah, you might see that in a lot of tweets. Because, you know, it happens. I just saw it happen.

I’m off to #YOLETTMTWAHDSRANFTMTYHAKAAEM

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter 2013

This year did NOT start calm and collected like previous years! Which is odd, because starting off normal is a GREAT way to begin a story before things get Completely Out Of Hand!

As soon as we thought Atnas (Santa’s evil doppelganger) was lost in time and/or space, he showed up! Being able to show up anywhen and anywhere gave Atnas ample time to show up exactly where and when he needed to! Before the psychic goose was even able to warn us what was coming!

Also, it gave him ampler time to assemble cyborg elves! With adorable hats that were full of evil and expired pudding!

Luckily, Atnas appeared as I was having tea with Santa, Cupid, and Liliane Lafleur. Liliane is a tenth level tea maker and banned in three solar systems for her knowledge of herbs AND spices. She also makes a mean gingerbread house.

The battle lasted four months! This is why Valentine’s Day was so “meh” this year.

Cupid made a call out to Cherub Force Six to help out with the cyborg elves. Santa and I used Sassy Kung-Fu to hold Atnas at bay. Liliane sat calmly. Partly because she’s a mellow tea drinker. Mostly because she was mixing herbs and spices into a GIANT SWORD OF TEA.

Using this sword, she was able to put Atnas and the cyborgs into a deep state of relaxation. (Yes, cyborgs can relax.) We trapped Atnas in a mean gingerbread house with no doors. In Africa. When I said “mean” earlier, I literally meant that it was not nice.

Then the middle of the year got dark. Like, REALLY dark. Very black and gloomy. Like a set of black dinnerware. The less said about the dark times, the better.

Then holiday spices started coming out in October. And for someone like Atnas, those are like smelling salts. He woke up and made a phone call.

Yeah, the gingerbread house was mean, but not SO mean that we didn’t put a phone in it. Next time we won’t be so communicatively kind.

Atnas burst out of the gingerbread house after calling Dipuc for help! (Dipuc is Cupid’s evil doppelganger.)

I didn’t even notice right away because it was during the solar eclipse and they knew that would hide the escape. But soon molasses started raining from the sky and I could sense something was wrong.

I FaceTimed Santa to let him know that we needed to save Christmas again! We sent a courier pigeon to get Cupid. Then, got on our transdimensional giraffe and landed in Africa to meet Atnas.

I don’t know if you met Imani. He’s a great giraffe. He was a normal giraffe once, but he accidentally walked into a multidimensional tree and got a splinter. Which stings on so many levels. But it gave him transdimensional travelling powers...and the ability to talk to trees. I understand half of it. The other half boggles me.

On our way, we picked up Liliane, who just got married to Pierre. You can read about the marriage in their Christmas letter.

Pierre is an expert harksman. Like a marksman, but with Harks. Like what the Herald Angels sing.

Unfortunately, harking is hard with molasses everywhere. It totally sticks to the Herald Angels’ wings.

Imani had an umbrella, because you should always carry an umbrella. He held it up very high using his tall neck and kept us dry from the raining molasses!

Pierre harked all over Atnas and Dipuc totally knocking them out.

During the fight, the rest of us created a mean gingerbread house with NO phone, doors, or windows. The frosting sealing the sides was made of a salty sugar. And the gumdrop bushes created a force field of love around the house.

Since Atnas and Dipuc hate love, it keeps them trapped.

Now it is almost Christmas and we are safe. Valentine’s Day should be good next year, too.

That was my year. Barely had time to breathe. I did enjoy a lot of veggies and hummus, though. So it wasn’t all bad.

I’m off to get a lighter set of dinnerware.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

christmas letter review

Around this time of year, people sometimes send out a letter with their christmas cards. ALL the info about their year like babies, weddings, waffles, cuttlefish, etc.

I am no different! I put these in my cards for all my friends and family! ("ALL" makes it sound like there are way more than there actually are.) Soon you will see my year of 2013, but it will ONLY make sense if you read the ones from the last three years. Because my life never stops! It's like I'm regenerating ALL THE TIME! Much like the Doctor. Sorta. (Also, this is REALLY long. Sorry.)

_________________

christmas letter 2010

So the year started off pretty normal. Then the vortex came. Granted, the psychic goose told me to expect a rift in time/space, but not so soon!

So, in January, I had to take a few days off of work for extra-dimensional adventures. The world of XhrT was under the rule of a tyrant and they needed a hero to save the day. Luckily, under their weak star, my normal human strength was pretty hardcore. So, I took down the evil ruler and ushered in a time of peace and prosperity. It was cool.

In February, Cupid needed help dealing with a gang of mutated eagles from the sewers. Luckily, I’m pretty great with a bow and arrow and we took out the whole gang. AND made a few people fall in love. Only two people fell in love with the eagles. Cupid’s fault, not mine. I can thread a needle standing on a haystack from 80 clicks.

I also ate a lot of apples with peanut butter. It is really good.

Then, the epic battle for Christmas began! See, not a lot of people know this, but Santa has a doppelganger.

An EVIL doppelganger. So, this Atnas and I had to battle it out. Atnas wanted to take over the world. Unluckily, the big star we call the sun is the same here as it is here. That means no extra strength.

I had to do it the old-fashioned way. With an army of Fabulous Robots, lasers and swords.

The Fabulous Robots are a gang of swanky robots who know how to take care of business. By that I mean they could beat up Atnas’ goons lickity-split.

The battle raged for months. Between work, reading comics and battling the evil Atnas, it was a pretty busy June-November.

As Atnas and I were battling over the burning ruins of the lost Arctic city of Amarcta, we knew one of us was going to walk away a winner.

I looked into his eyes as our swords clashed and smiled.

He said, “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at him and said, “Because I know something that you do not.”

He said back, “And what is it.”

I said, “I am not left handed.”

BOOM! Christmas was saved. For this year.

And that’s what happened in 2010. What’s next for 2011? Well, the psychic goose did tell me that I should expect a visit from the clouds. But that can’t be too bad, can it?

Until next year.

THAT is how I spent my year. I hope your year was just as exciting.

I'm off to take a break and celebrate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

____________

christmas letter 2011

What a year! I mean, really. What a YEAR!

It started simple enough. I was asked to help with some cloud farming. I spent 8 years in Laos farming clouds, so I'm kind of an expert. My friend, Damian, the sky narwhal, runs a fantastic cloud farm. You know those puffy clouds that reflect the sunset perfectly? Those are his.

So, Damian and I worked on that for a few months. Then, out of NOWHERE, we got attacked! I know! Who would attack a cloud farmer and his expert pal?

Halibots. Yes, halibut robots. That can shoot daggers made out of ice.

Damian and I fought these things for what seemed like hours. Luckily, I spent 5 years learning how to use farming tools as ninja weapons in Siberia. So, I'm kind of an expert. And kind of deadly with a huller.

Turns out Damian has a "history" with these guys. And it's not pretty. Before his peaceful clouding days, he was a secret agent for MI-6. And not the nice "James Bondy" kind.

This wasn't an isolated incident, either. Turns out there were hundreds of attacks on cloud farmers everywhere. This is part of the reason we had such crazy weather this year.

Determined to help my friend, we spent months finding out who was behind these attacks. We knew we couldn't do it alone, so we called up Oscar, our Peruvian tech/pancake guy. He comes in handy.

After months of confronting everyone from a guy named Gus in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin to a giant robot frog, our journey came to an end.

It was Atnas. Again. Santa's evil doppelganger. He wanted to ruin Christmas! By tampering with the clouds! I KNOW! That's so evil! And possibly so raven!

This time, we weren't going to let Atnas get away. So, we borrowed a time-hole that went back to before the universe was created and decided to trap Atnas outside of time and space. I spent...some amount of time...somewhere...working outside of time and space, so I'm kind of an expert.

Luckily, Atnas has a weakness for pancakes. Told you he would come in handy.

We threw some maple-syruped pancakes on his face and tossed him out of time.

And Christmas was saved. At least, we hope it is. That was two weeks ago. Gus escaped. And trust me, Gus could still cause problems. Hopefully that won't be until next year...

I'm off to take break from farming.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

________________


christmas letter 2012


I KNEW I should have taken care of Gus! What was I thinking? It's the same story every year. Me versus Atnas, Santa's evil doppelganger. (Please read the last two years of letters to understand what I'm talking about.)

This letter is late, relatively speaking, because time was a little messed up here and there. But saving the world came a little closer to Christmas than usual this time.

My year started off so perfect. It was time to retire from my crazy adventures and open a cookie cookery. I call it the "The Cookierey!"

My friend Bastion is a dragon. And dragons LOVE baking cookies. We made cookies exclusively for corporate events with 67-93 people who know how to juggle and swing. On sets, not dance. Not at the same time. Well, they can if they want, but it's not required.

Business was booming. Our only competition was "Giant Cookie Place" down the street. Then, cookies started disappearing. We asked our friend Moonchild to help us investigate. She is trained at investigating cookie thefts and kangaroo riding. Which is handy.

After watching the cookies one night, we noticed they just "blinked" out of existence. Like, just gone. Turns out, they were being taken out of time! After trapping Atnas out of time and space, he found he could connect to regular time and space with cookies!

I should have seen that coming. I have a PhD in cookiespace/cookietime.

Gaining strength, Atnas almost came through time and space with the help of a giant cookie at "Giant Cookie Place!" Apparently, owned by Gus!

He opened a GIANT hole in cookiespace/cookietime to let Atnas back into our world! Not willing to let this happen, Bastion, Moonchild and I grabbed some expired cookies and jumped into the hole and found ourselves in an ancient Mayan civilization. Cookiespace/cookietime is very unpredictable.

The Mayans couldn't understand us, but were fond of my sneakers and NOT fond of doppelgangers, so they helped us by letting us use their kangaroos to chase Atnas.

Moonchild used her kangaroo powers to trap Atnas. I unwrapped the expired cookies, crushed them, and threw them at Atnas. Fresh cookies gave him power. Expired cookies made him crumble! He disappeared out of time and space. Unfortunately, we don't know where.

The Mayans were nice and helped us clean up. They loved the cookie wrapper. I don't know why. It was just plastic wrap that said "Expires December 21, 2012." But I let them keep it. I mean, they did help us travel back to the future with their temples. It was the least I could do.

Now we're back. Gus is gone again. Atnas is missing. Cookie business couldn't be better. But another year is here and some of us never get a break. How do I know that? The psychic goose is back. That's never good.

I'm off to serve 67-93 people.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

beware the power of cheese

So…um…what’s your name? Is it Cheese? I truly, madly, deeply hope not.

I just found out that the name “Cheese” (yes, people actually consider that as a viable name for a human baby) has had a 450% increase over the past year.

I can’t find the actual numbers, but it does say that out of every 500,000 parents, nine babies are named Cheese.

I do believe that is eight too many. I think one per 500,000 is an acceptable number of Cheese babies in the world. I understand there are some people who REALLY love cheese. Like, insanely love it.

For those few people, name your baby Cheese. I’m surprisingly ok with that.

But the rest of you! WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED TO NAME YOUR BABY "CHEESE?"

Looking into strange baby names, fewer people named their children Superman than Cheese. Seriously. Cheese beat Superman! How does that even happen?!

I have no idea how to react to that news. Other names that are less popular, but still used, include Butterbean, Hotdog, and Elbow.

Now, I like creative names for kids. I don’t even mind different spellings of names. Or combining two names to make some strange new one. Whatever. They’re your kids.

But what happened this year to make Cheese so popular? Did I miss some big cheese-related occurrence? Is there a famous actress named Cheese? Did people forget that cheese is a dairy product and think it is a brand name of some orange or moldy snack?

The world confuses me sometimes. Almost as often as cheese does.

I’m off to be the cheese.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

doorknobs and broomsticks

I had no idea that doorknobs were complicated objects...in Canada.

In Vancouver, the town has decided that every building should only be opened with levers INSTEAD of knobs.

And while both words are fun to say, Vancouver isn’t big enough for both of them. Even though it IS the eighth largest municipality in Canada. The seventh largest, Winnipeg, is still big enough for both knobs and levers. Brampton, on the other hand, at ninth largest, doesn’t even know what a knob is.

They might not even know what a door is. I never asked.

So why the big hoopla over doorknobs?! I guess people don’t like them. Some find them hard to use. I don’t know what’s going on in Canada to make doorknobs hard to turn, but somebody MIGHT be making them incorrectly.

What I do agree with is the decision to change all sinks and shower faucets as well. Because if I had a doorknob on those, it might be hard to turn when things get wet. Which sometimes happens around sinks and showers.

Well, at my sink and shower. I don’t know what YOU do around your sinks and showers, but I have lots of water.

Perhaps you just use sand. In that case, turning shouldn’t be a problem.

So unless Vancouverinians are making doorknobs out of butter and grease, they should be ok.

Oh…they are? Really? That’s…an odd choice for doorknob material.

Well then! Problem solved! Let’s lever this place up!

I’m off to turn the knob.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

caterpillars wanna jump jump

I have NO idea how I found this story, but it’s crazy!

There’s this guy, Chris Darling, who studies bugs. He might be some sort of Lepidopterologist, but I’m not sure.

He found this caterpillar that secretes poison. But, he didn’t find that out by testing it. He found it out by tasting it.

YES! This is what he does! He likes to lick bugs!

He was wondering what this caterpillar would taste like. He licked it and his tongue went numb.

Luckily, he didn’t die. So, after his undeath, he decided to find out more about these tongue-numbers.

Guess what? They also jump! A poisonous, jumping caterpillar sounds scary!

What makes this a lot less scary is that they jump backwards. While wearing a leaf-hat. So, they actually have NO idea where they are jumping. They can’t make ANY plans to attack you.

Sure, they could accidentally numb your tongue, but it would never be on purpose because they don't see where they are jumping.

Also, don’t lick bugs. Especially if they jump backwards. Or forwards. Or any wards, really.

Also, the spicebush swallowtail caterpillar is a super cute caterpillar that looks like a baby, baby dragon and I want to raise a herd of them.

I’m off to wear a leaf-hat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

goose your tree

Did you know that Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees? It's true! They said, "Do you know how cold it is?! Ach! I am not going out there!"

I'm pretty sure "Ach" is a common German saying. I don't know anybody who IS German. But I did play a German woman once in a play. So, technically, I'm an expert in Germanology.

Due to this lack of desire to freeze their spritzes off, they made some fake trees. Out of goose feathers. 

I don't know much about geese. They may or may not enjoy a defeathering. I never have a problem when I get MY defeathering done, but I'm not a goose. 

They took these goose feathers and dyed them. I'm guessing green, but that isn't in the story. I actually kinda hope that they dyed them all sorts of different colors. Because that would be so pretty! 

Imagine having a soft and fluffy rainbow Christmas tree! THAT is what I call a Christmas miracle! 

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, your rainbow feathers amaze me. 

It's ok for you to sing that. It's a new holiday classic. 

If you don't have a goose, you might as well just make a tree out of cotton candy. Any color would work. I like pink. Then you can eat the tree. And build a new one. Then eat that one, too. 

Or, if you're in Germany, Das Butterbrot might be a good alternative. 

I'm off to dampfnudel. Ach.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

singing for peace

Have you ever been to the cloud forests of Central America? No? You really should check it out. It’s quite a sight.

I’ve never been there, but I did look up pictures online. That’s almost just like being there for realsies.

I did not know this, but biologists have been wondering “why some animals are found in particular places and not others.”

I’m not kidding! That’s the actual quote from the story! They want to know this!

Turns out, singing mice have given them the answer!

There are these mice in the forest that straighten up to look at the sky and start to sing. It’s a high-pitched tweeting sounding thing. No, not the notification sound you hear when you get a tweet. More like a birdie tweeting from a tree.

They look up and sing and this keeps other mice away so there is no fighting for land.

Though, if two mice wanted the same spot, wouldn’t they fight for it? But, they don’t even bother if one is singing there? So…why even fight in the first place?

Again, I’m not a biologist, so I can’t follow mousey logic. I CAN say that my logic is very similar, though!

Whenever I’m about to get into a fight, I sing in a very high-pitched voice. Usually Close To You by The Carpenters.

Doesn’t work too well with humans. But I’ve never been in a fight with a mouse after my singing, so I guess it DOES work!

I’m off to find out why birds suddenly appear.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

on your way out

This is the email I got from my mother this morning:

"Hi,

Here is the music I want for my funeral.

Be Not Afraid
Hosea
Ave Maria
When the Saints Go Marchin' In

They may give you a hard time about the last one, but I really want it sung on my way out.  (bad pun!)

Have a nice day!!!

Love,
Mom"

Sooooooooo...that's my mom! She is pretty amazing. I mean, seriously, who decides that their last moments above ground should be a bad pun?!

MY MOTHER DOES! So if you ever wondered why I turned out the way I did, this should reveal A LOT.

It's a rare day that you wake up, go to work, and check your email to find a message from your mother about her funeral.

Best part? Ending it with "Have a nice day!!!" Not one, not TWO, BUT THREE exclamation points!

Still no email from Dad about his songs. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about any songs at his funeral. Or a funeral in general. He probably just wants his ashes put on a cruise ship that travels the world.

He loves cruises. I think it's the towel animals that make it so much fun for him. Or maybe that's me.

I love my parents. I don't think they know how NOT to be amazing. And hilarious.

Hopefully you get emails about funeral mix tapes from your parents, too.

If not, you should write one to them. Trust me. They'll find it funny.

I'm off to march the saint in.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

black holes and time warps

I have a lot of clocks. Because I sometimes get confused as to when I am. That's normal, right? I mean, I have a very crazy schedule, so it's hard to know if I'm supposed to be somewhere or not. And I make sure all my clocks are in 24-hour time so I know if it's morning or night.

Trust me, on my schedule, in the winter, if you looked at the clock and it said 5:00, you wouldn't know if you had to get to work or eat dinner. Sometimes I do both. Twice a day. Maybe a third if 5:00 comes up again. It's very wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey.

Some of these clocks set themselves automatically, but others require the expert manipulations of a time traveler like me. BUT, one of these manual setters changed on its own!

How mean is that?! It was ahead by 17 minutes! 17! When I'm rushing around thinking I'm 17 minutes later than I actually am, my brain literally explodes a little bit!

I looked at one clock, before I knew it was correct, and wondered if that one fell 17 minutes behind, so I confirmed the actual time by checking three other clocks. I'm a scientist. I'm not one to just trust gut feelings.

You'll be happy to know I was able to relax and get to work at the correct time. But really, that was just mean to change one clock. I have no idea how it could have happened.

Well, I have a few ideas. Eight of them involve eagles. Six involve leafy vegetables. But I don't think those are correct. After what happened last time.

Also, suspiciously, the clock is sitting on a book called "Black Holes and Time Warps." I think I thought I was being clever by putting Kip's book under the clock. Clearly, Kip put more than just words about time warps in his book. He put ACTUAL time warps in there!

How else can you explain what happened?! I have a book that, when sat upon, you can travel through time!

I haven't touched the book since this happened. I'm afraid I'll end up 17 minutes in my future. Or past. And if I bump into myself, everything in existence could implode.

Or there could just be two of me standing in a room. Which is slightly scarier.

I'm off to warp time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj