Wednesday, February 27, 2013

don't eat sharks


There was a story out about the Velvet Belly Lantern Shark. Even though it is the most romantically named shark, it's probably not one you want to cuddle with.

Okay, you probably don't ever want to cuddle with sharks. If you ARE a shark-cuddler, watch out for this one!

The story was talking about their bioluminescence. They wanted to find out why they glow on the top AND on the bottom. The bottom is probably to look like light hitting the water so predators from below don't know that there's a shark above them.

The lights on top are part of spikes! YES! SPIKES! They have these little spiny things poking out of them that glow!

Let me tell you how scary this is: Imagine Wolverine. He has claws that come out of his hands. Now imagine it is night and Wolverine is coming after you. Normally, you wouldn't see that coming, so you can't panic until it's too late.

NOW, imagine that his claws glow! All you see coming at you are glowing claws and you have to just watch as your demise approaches. Like a death-rave. SNIKT!

That is what these sharks are saying! "You want my velvety belly? Come and get it! But see how good it feels to swallow my glowing thorns, fool!"

Life lesson: Swallowing thorns is not pleasant. At any point in the process.

Life wish: I really wish humans had bioluminescence. I would like to glow. From my claws!

SNIKT!

I'm off to pretend I'm Wolverine.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, February 25, 2013

lots of stuff...IN SPACE


India shot a bunch of Canadian stuff into space today! I don't know why today. (Or why it's in India.) Maybe everything just happened to be ready to go to space at the same time and they thought they would kill seven escape velocities with a single rocket. In India.

First, let me tell you about the "Canadian Suitcase." That's the unofficial name for it. I use that name because the official name is LAME. The Canadian Space Agency's Near-Earth Object Surveillance Satellite. Or NEOSSat. Seriously. That's what they call it for short.

Granted, I'm not Canadian. NEOSSat might actually be a common word in Canada. Like Maple or Bacon. Maybe it's an ancient Canadian word meaning "maple bacon...in space!"

NEOSSat (or maple bacon in space) is going to look for asteroids and space junk. So we know what kind of stuff could fall on us.

For some reason, they did not put lasers on it to shoot space junk or asteroids.

ALSO going into space are the Bright Target Explorer (or betterly code-named BRITE) satellites. They are 2 super tiny space telescopes that will look at stars.

Also, no lasers. Which is weird because if stars or asteroids or junk star falling onto Earth, wouldn't we want to stop them?

NEOSSat: "Hey Earth! There's this giant asteroid coming right at you!"

BRITES: "Also, Earth, there are a bunch of stars falling on you, too!"

EARTH: "As unlikely as all that seems, why don't you laser them or something!"

NEOSSat: "Um...we were built without lasers."

BRITES: "Yeah... ... ...awkward..."

EARTH: "Who built you?!"

NEOSSat/BRITES: "Canada."

EARTH: "Curse you Canada! Stop maple-ing bacon and start lasering!!!"

And that is why we can't have nice things.

I'm off to maple my bacon.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 22, 2013

takes a washin


I totally washed my headphones. ALMOST put them in the dryer, too! Well...I DID put them in, but I remembered them right after I started it.

I have those little in-ear headphones. I actually had a pair for many years, but they were dying. I could tell they were dying because something inside the headphones was rattling. Even when I wasn't listening to Rattle Jazz. Which is great to listen to, but not when you're listening to Bach.

I know, the headphones were baroque, so they're perfect for Bach! Ha! (Classical music fans will love that one.)

So I bought a pair of really cheap headphones to replace the rattle ones. They sound great! No rattle!

I listen to music on my phone because I'm hip like that. When I'm using my phone as a phone, I don't need the headphones. I take them off and put them in the pocket of my gym hoodie.

This is my hoodie for gym time only because it gets all sweaty and will be washed more often than the ungym hoodie.

Guess what! Forget the headphones were in the pocket! Washed the hoodie. THEN put it in the dryer. As I was walking out of the Laundromat, I had an epiphany.

It was amazing. I realized how we could utilize wormholes for interstellar travel.

As soon I figured that out, I thought about listening to music during these interstellar travels. Then I realized that my shiny, new headphones were currently getting dried in a machine that's probably not supposed to be drying headphones.

I ran in and pulled them out. I forgot how to find wormholes, but after hanging my headphones on my clothes rack for a night, they still work.

Now I only hear rattles when babies do their avant-garde jazz. Which, if you ever want to hear somebody scat without abandon, listen to baby jazz.

I'm off to scootily bop bop.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

you too can be a heart surgeon


Ummm...is this a good idea? A company made a game where you have to perform heart surgery. Like, real heart surgery.

This isn't Operation. The nose doesn't light up. There is no buzz. Just blood. Lots of blood. If you mess up, Bob doesn't make it.

Luckily, Bob isn't an actual person.

The Surgeon Simulator is the next game you give your kids for Christmas! They plan on adding brain surgery and common dentistry, as well!

Kid One: "Hey Billy! Wanna come over and play Brain Surgeon?"

Kid Two: "Whoa! You have a brain that needs surgeoning? I am SO there!

Kid One: "Sweet tooth!

Kid Two: "Speaking of a sweet tooth, any chance we can do some common dentistry, too?"

Kid One: "Does a rib have a cage?! Of course we can you silly willy!"

Kid Two: "Surgical!"

Hopefully this will get kids interested in the medical sciences. Because, as you may or may not know, I love medical science. Since I hope one day they will be able to make me into Astro Boy.

Yeah, I know how he jets around. And I'm totally cool with it.

So bring on the science! And the internal jet packs!

I'm off to surgeon a heart.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

heating the pain away


I hurt myself the other day. I pulled something.

Well, I didn't actively pull something. Like a car out of a ditch. Or a sword out of a stone (even though I could totally do that). I hurt a muscle in my shoulder. (I'm totally muscular, too.) Probably tearing some of the tendons and stuff.

Whatever I did, it hurt. I decided to get a heating pad. I got this thing that I microwave and then rest it on my shoulder. It's awesome.

It's by Bed Buddy. With a teddy bear picture!

I love teddy bears. I totally respect a group that enjoys picnics. I mean, who goes on picnics?

Teddy bears do. I don't mean buying some food and then eating it outside. Teddy bears go full-on picnic. Blankets, baskets, dance, shout. And they literally do this all day. Until 6pm. Then their mommies and daddies get them home to bed.

Because, you know, they've just been hardcore picnicking for hours.

Then they rest and warm up torn muscles.

Also, my heating wrap thing smells like popcorn. Because I only use my microwave to heat up water, popcorn, and this Bed Buddy.

Too bad teddy bears don't smell like popcorn. That could be bad, though. When they're in the forest having a good picnic, the smell of popcorn might attract wildebeests. And you don't want them at a picnic. They're very rude and tend to eat all the cupcakes.

Stinky wildebeests. Go have your own picnic. With the toucans. They're meanies, too.

I'm off to warm my muscles.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 15, 2013

the citrus experiment


I've been testing out citrus. I found that some citrus items have been showing up in the stores in very fun bags with cute cartoon citrus-people on them. When I see cute citrus, I buy!

If you sell something in a fun package, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get it. I'm easy like that.

Normally, I would avoid citrus. For two reasons:

One: It's expensive.

Other: It's really hard to peel.

Bananas are good. EASY to peel. Citrus-peel always sticks to the juicy fruit center! I never had an easy way to peel it off!

Until now! A very wise friend of mine told me to roll it. Put the fruit on a table, then put my hand on it and roll it around firmly. That separates the fruit from the skin a little and makes for an easier peeling. And it totally works!

Now I'm trying all sorts of fun citrus! I even found the Sunkist Citrus Wheel online to help me with my shopping. Seriously, you have no idea how excited I am now that I can peel my citrus!

I plan on taking a trip around the entire Citrus Wheel. It might take me long time, but I believe that I will be a better, if not Vitamin C-er, person at the end of it.

So far: Cara caras: check. Blood orange: check. (And extra fun because you can pretend to be an Orange Vampire. Hsssss.) Navel oranges: check. Clementines: check.

You better look out Dancy Tangerines, I'm comin' for you next. You could say you danced your last tango-rine in Paris. (You don't have to...but you could.)

I'm off to roll my citrus.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

words with squid


A lot of people have mobile devices. Phones to play Words with Friends. Tablets to play Words with Friends. Scrabble boards to play Words with Friends.

Wait...maybe not that last one...

With all this need to play with words, the world needs to keep making mobile devices! And one is clearly not enough! That is why they predict that by the end of the year, there will be more mobile devices than humans.

That's right, it's our own fault that machines are taking over the world! You have no reason to get upset when they figure out how to laser you and control your brain. It's your own fault. Because you love friends and words.

Luckily, I'm prepared. When all your phones and tablets start sprouting legs and arms and lasers and flame throwers, I have a team of squid ready to fight back.

Not just any squid, FLYING squid. These things squirt water to propel themselves out of the ocean. Then fly, like, 100 feet!

With that kind of water pressure, they could totally just aim their squirters at the army of iPads and take them all down!

Unless computers figure out how to waterproof themselves.

Or if they buy raincoats.

I guess I didn't plan this too well. I should probably train the squid with some ninja moves, too.

I'm off to get 48 points on a triple word square with "squid."

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, February 11, 2013

hello, my name is asteroid


But my friends call me 2102 DA14. Or D-troid for short. Because I'm cool like that.

Okay, I'm not really an asteroid. I'm me. But it would be totally cool if I could be an asteroid! And do asteroid-y things! Like...orbit stuff...in space.

So on Friday, D-troid will fly by Earth. Really, really close. Closer than the satellites that help us find directions and watch cartoons and stuff!

The closest moment will be at 2:26pm on February 15. 17,200 miles away. (That's 27,680 kilometers). A satellite is about 22,000 miles above the Earth.

This asteroid is 150-feet wide. About half the size of a football field. I hope that comparison helps. I have no idea what a football field looks like. I imagine a football field to have mountains and deserts and desserts and stairs. I'm not a big fan of stairs, so I don't really pay attention.

Luckily, this asteroid won't hit any football fields. But if that was a fear, I know how to get rid of it.

My triangle spaceship.

It doesn't take turns very well, but it spins great. And if I jet forward a little, I can spin it again. Then I go "pew pew pew" and blow up asteroids.

Sometimes flying saucers get in my way. I take care of them too. I'm a ruthless triangle.

Also, Ruthless Triangle would be a great name for a band. And a great name for a super secret space program to destroy asteroids. Which it may or may not be. I'm not at liberty to say. Because I keep good secrets.

But just a heads up, if you see a flying isosceles, get out of the way.

I'm off to catch an asteroid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 8, 2013

this is not a bill


I'm not sure what it is. I got it in the mail.

It's some sort of medical thing. It said I went to the doctor in May. MAY! I suppose that's possible. But how am I supposed to remember that?! That's, like, forevers ago!

I usually get not-bills after a month or so. And when I'm unbilled for something, it's nice to know that I don't have a bill.

Now I'm wondering WHY I don't have a bill. Before they made me aware of my not getting billed, I didn't know there was something to not get billed for. Now that I know, I want to know what I'm not paying for!

I probably should have gone for a memory test. Maybe it was a forgetting procedure. Luckily, it worked, because I'm lost.

Why do I get things that are not a bill? Why doesn't it just say what it is? I guess when you get mail that has big money numbers on it, you want to know that you don't have to pay for it.

Why do other things tell me what they aren't? Like non-dairy creamer? When something is not something, it could be anything. When something IS something, it is something.

Do people worry about dairy that much? I know some people are intolerant towards dairy. And even though I practice dairy tolerance, I understand the desire not to have dairy. But couldn't you just say it's "vegetable fat and sodium caseinate" creamer?

I mean, if you can't sell your creamer with a catchy name like that, you shouldn't be selling vegetable fat and sodium caseinate, my friend!

I would love to get a bill that said it was non-dairy. And have a creamer that was not a bill.

I suppose that may have already happened, but I non-remembered. Thanks to those doctor visits I may have had in May.

I'm off to get billed...or unbilled.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

bells of the ball


This past weekend, Notre Dame got some new bells. I don't know much about history, but I DO know that I can make up funner history and pretend it's real!

Emmanuel is a bell. A lonely bell. For many years he had Nine friends to play with. They would ring all the time in their Notre Dame home.

Then, during a revolution, people didn't like bells anymore. They couldn't find any Reason for bells. Emmanuel and his friends disagreed. But nobody listened to them. (Because they were bells.)

All of Emmanuel's friends were taken away and Emmanuel was left alone.

He would ring as belly as he could, but it was never the same.

A few years later, four new friends came to play, but they didn't know how to stay in tune. Emmanuel didn't hang out with them often. They were kinda jerks.

Then, when people were done revolutioning and ringing jerkily, a birthday came! A Sesnocentennial!

From the magical lands of Normandy and Netherland, Jean-Marie, Maurice, Benoit-Joseph, Steven, Marcel, Dennis, Anne-Genevieve, Gabriel, and Mary came to play again!

The bells rang loud and Emmanuel was happy.

They also decided to get super powers and fight anyone who decided to hurt them during revolutions. Now they fight crime as the Decabells. And use lasers and swords and fire balls on evil dissonants and dissonance.

They ring for justice! ...and to tell time...

I'm off to ring my bell.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, February 4, 2013

King Richard III Skeletor


King Richard III has been found! Well...his skeleton has been found. I know. That's super exciting. Because you were TOTALLY looking for it.

Well stop looking in Utah! It's not there! It's in London, silly! In a parking lot! Where Richard III parked!

The Richard III Society is very happy about this.

Oh, you didn't know there was a whole Society for Richard III? Well there is! They do tons of fun stuff! Like...read books...and other...things!

That book joke is funny because he lifted bans on books and printing presses. Go ahead. You can laugh now.

They also think that Richard III was a good guy and that the Tudors spread super-mean rumors about him. They hope that finding his skeleton will help prove those rumors wrong. Because...you know...skeletons are great at talking...about Tudor tabloids...and reading books!

They did a bunch of tests to prove that this skeleton was, in fact, Richard III.

The best test? They have the 17th great-grand-nephew of the King's sister around for a DNA test!

He makes cabinets. If I were him, I would totally use my lineage to impress people.

Me: "Hey. I make cabinets."

You: "That's lame."

Me: "And I'm the 17th great-grand-nephew of King Richard III's sister."

You: "Mildly less lame."

Score.

I'm off to be mildly less lame.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, February 1, 2013

that's no maple leaf


Canada is in a fiscal crisis! You could say (and this will be funny later when you know the story) that they are on a fiscal limb! (It's a tree joke...wait for it...)

Canada has brand new $20 bills. As always, they look like colorful  candy. (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, everything in Canada is sugary and edible.) But, there is a BIG botanical brouhaha over the dollar design. More specifically, the maple leaf. (See? The tree joke is making sense now!)

The leaf on the new bill has FIVE lobes! Five you say? Five I say!

You know from your years of botanical studies that the 5-lobed maple leaf is from the invasive Norway maple tree. NOT the beautiful 3-lobed sugar maple that proudly sits on the Canadian flag.

Now the banks and botanists are fighting. It WILL go down in history as the Bank/Botanical Battle Boogaloo.

The bank said it's a mish-mash of ALL maple trees. Because they accept all maple currency in Canada. Botanists aren't buying it...and are afraid it won't buy them anything.

You: "Here's your payment for all these plants and tree-things I'm buying at this wonderful botany store."

Botanist Cashier: "What's this? This isn't money! And trust me, I know from silly looking money, eh! I'm full-on Canadian and KNOW what a sugar maple leaf looks like and this, my friend, is Norwegian money!"

You: "I swear this is real money! Even though it looks totally fake like all Canadian money even though it's really real, eh!"

Botanist Cashier: "Get out of my store you Norwegian counterfeiter! Mounties! I need some Mounties! Royal Canadian Mounties! This person is Norwegian!"

That was the last time I did anything botanical. It was also the last time I rode a horse. But that's more hippological and less botanical.

I'm off to maple a tree.

Enjoy Everything, Eh.

-dj