taxes and pose

Have you heard about this “yoga tax” that could happen in D.C.? This is crazy. They want to add a tax to gyms so it will cost more to be healthy. As if trying to be healthy isn’t hard enough, now they want to make it more expensive!

I kinda understand taxes. I know that stuff costs money. Roads need to be fixed and the government needs money for that. I know that spending isn’t always done well, but it’s still needed.

So, taxes on gases makes sense because gas fuels the cars and the cars mess up the roads and the roads need to get fixed. I know that’s very simplified and idealist, but the basic premise is logical, right? But what’s the point of taxing exercise? It’s not like the government does anything to fix the gym equipment!

I HATE going to the gym. I go, but it’s a battle EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s so hard to force myself to go. There is NOTHING fun about the gym or exercise. Sitting at home and eating and watching TV IS fun.

I go to the gym because I’m told it’s good for me. I don’t come home feeling better about myself or healthy. I come home tired and sweaty. Then I eat and watch TV, because, as stated earlier, THAT IS FUN.

For years, there have been lots of newsy things saying that there’s an “obesity epidemic.” Exercise COULD be helpful against that, right?

SO WHY MAKE IT HARDER ON PEOPLE.

That’s like telling people that it’s healthier to eat fruits and vegetables, but we’re going to add fists to them and they will punch you before you eat them.

Or like telling people that you need to go to the dentist, but you’re going to have to hold electric eels with pet snakes during the checkup.

Or like tell you that there’s going to be a new Transformers movie.

So. Much. Hurt.

Let’s hope they realize this is a bad idea. Not just the tax, all of these ideas.

I’m off to king pigeon pose.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

smell ya later

Let me get nasally nostalgic on you here. Nasalgic, I think, is the technical term.

Do you ever smell something and it reminds you of a moment from your childhood? That happened to me the other day. First, some backstory. Don’t worry, it’s really quick.

When I was a kid, Sunday morning was Donut Morning! Then we would visit my grandfather and uncles. It was awesome.

See? Super short story! But you needed to know it because that is what I thought about the other day!

I went to the gym, and when I got out of the car, the smell in the air reminded me of one of those mornings. I am not totally sure why.

Now, it’s possible that there was something in the air that smelled like my grandfather’s house. Also, there IS a Dunkin’ Donuts near my gym. So the smell of donuts COULD have been around. (Also, a great marketing move!)

Oddly enough, there is also a food processing plant next door. Which smells like ketchup most of the time. I don’t think they make catsup, but I don’t ask questions…not after what happened last year.

Anywhooooo, the air smelled like Donut Sunday.

I tell you all of this because a company in Paris has created an oPhone! For olfactory funness where you can text smells to people! Instead of just texting an emoji of a cup of coffee, the phone will emit a coffee smell!

So far, they’ve sent the smell of bread, flowers, and “the smell of Paris 300 years ago.”

I’m not sure if that’s something you want to send. People didn’t really shower much back then, so…you know...not flowery.

You know what’s a better smell? Donut Sunday! That’s what I would like you to text me. Actually, just bring me a donut. And a coffee. And a sundae. On a Sunday. Just text me that every day is Donut Sunday. I don’t care if it smells. In fact, please make it NOT smell.

I’m off to wax nostalgic. With scented candle wax.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

stop doing that

I saw a list from some website called “Uncoached” that gave suggestions of “Stuff Guys Need to Stop Doing!”

I am a guy. And I DIS-A-GREE.

For example! Raising the roof! I don’t know if they decided that it is acceptable for a gal to raise the roof, but it should be encouraged for all genders!

Let's say you’re having a party that is ALMOST so amazing that it might be figuratively and/or literally raising the roof. How do you make the roof-raising happen? By encouraging all the invitees at your party to raise the roof! And how do you do that? By using the internationally recognized sign for raising the roof!

Also, if you decided to build another floor on your home, you will need to raise the roof. If the construction crew comes over and asks what they need to do, you can easily show them. So, please, guys (and gals), feel free to keep raising the roof.

Another thing on the list is pounding the fist. I don’t know if they want us to shake hands, but I’m not a fan of the shaking. It’s always awkward and weird and sometimes hands are sweaty. Fist bumps? Not awkward and there are significantly fewer sweat glands on the knuckles than the palms. It’s a scientific fact. (One that may or may not be true.)

The one thing on the list that I do kinda-sorta agree with is chest bumping. The only reason I’m not a fan of this is due to my lack of chestiness. After years of attempting to create a chest at the gym, I’m still just a big rib cage. When I do get chest bumped, I generally get winded and fall over.

This list did not specify if gals are included in these “stop doings.” I don’t know what gals generally do, anyway, but can’t see why they wouldn’t want to do all of these things. I’m all about equality.

In gender AND math.

I’m off to bench and press.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

clean teeth at the gym

Do you know anybody who walks around and does stuff while chewing on a toothpick? I think I’ve seen it in movies. Maybe some sort of old gangster movie where one guy is chewing on a toothpick holding a tommy gun.

Well, I was at the gym and some guy was chewing on a toothpick. No joke. This really happened. It was just sitting while he used the weight machines.

Is this safe? Aren’t those pointy? I guess if he wants to chew on a toothpick, that’s cool.

I mean, I seriously only thought it happened in old movies! I never thought somebody actually did it in real life! But they do! At least, this guy does at the gym!

I think it’s supposed to make you look tough. (He looked tough. With or without a toothpick.) I’m not sure. I only think of dental hygiene when I see it.

Trust me, I’m all about keeping the gunk out of my teeth spaces! I floss about 10 times a day! Seriously, I do. Maybe this guy and I would have a lot of teeth stories to share.

We could sit down at a restaurant and eat vegetables with parsley. Then we could go look in a mirror and check our teeth! Once the flossing and toothpicking was all done, we’d laugh and laugh at everyone who didn’t have spotless toothees!

Oh the fun we’d have!

I’d like to become a toothpick chewer. I think it’s a look that would work on me. Of course, I like to think all looks work on me, which is why I’m wearing a cape and cowboy boots. Because I can pull it off.

Now imagine the cape and cowboy boots with a toothpick.

I understand...you need a minute to collect yourself because the awesomeness just made your mind explode a little bit.

Please, feel free to dress the same way. I don’t mind if we both look amazetastic.

I’m off to pick a tooth.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

takes a washin

I totally washed my headphones. ALMOST put them in the dryer, too! Well...I DID put them in, but I remembered them right after I started it.

I have those little in-ear headphones. I actually had a pair for many years, but they were dying. I could tell they were dying because something inside the headphones was rattling. Even when I wasn't listening to Rattle Jazz. Which is great to listen to, but not when you're listening to Bach.

I know, the headphones were baroque, so they're perfect for Bach! Ha! (Classical music fans will love that one.)

So I bought a pair of really cheap headphones to replace the rattle ones. They sound great! No rattle!

I listen to music on my phone because I'm hip like that. When I'm using my phone as a phone, I don't need the headphones. I take them off and put them in the pocket of my gym hoodie.

This is my hoodie for gym time only because it gets all sweaty and will be washed more often than the ungym hoodie.

Guess what! Forget the headphones were in the pocket! Washed the hoodie. THEN put it in the dryer. As I was walking out of the Laundromat, I had an epiphany.

It was amazing. I realized how we could utilize wormholes for interstellar travel.

As soon I figured that out, I thought about listening to music during these interstellar travels. Then I realized that my shiny, new headphones were currently getting dried in a machine that's probably not supposed to be drying headphones.

I ran in and pulled them out. I forgot how to find wormholes, but after hanging my headphones on my clothes rack for a night, they still work.

Now I only hear rattles when babies do their avant-garde jazz. Which, if you ever want to hear somebody scat without abandon, listen to baby jazz.

I'm off to scootily bop bop.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

does this make me look fan

I know I shouldn't care about what I look like at the gym. And most of the time, I really don't. I mean, I'll go to the gym after I wake up on the weekends and trust me, my hair is an odd site at that time of the morning.

Plus, most of my gym shirts are old with holes. But it's the gym! Who cares!

So why am I insecure at this moment? I'll explain...

I always bring stuff to the gym. Especially something to read. Because the gym is really, really boring. Like, the elliptical. There's NOTHING to do. The best thing is when I'm in a play, so I learn lines.

Also, reading books on my phone works well because I can make the text much bigger and it's easy to read while I'm moving.

Now that all of that exposition is out of the way, here's the problem. I want to switch it up. I was thinking I could start using the stationary bike. If I use the bike, I can read a book in BOOK form! Because there's less shimmy!

So I would have to bring a script, a phone/digital book, AND a real paper-page book! THAT is a lot of stuff! I thought that maybe I could wear a fanny pack, but I don't know if that's a little too much for the gym. Would people judge me? Would I become the "fanny pack" guy? Is that a bad thing to be?

I'm pretty sure I'll look hardcore lifting weights with a fanny pack. I mean, really, it is tough. But it's the running I'm afraid of. It would bounce around a lot. A bouncing fanny might not be comfortable.

Wait...that came out wrong...you know what I mean.

If you see a guy with a fanny pack reading at the gym, that's me. If I look insecure, please come up to me and tell me my fanny looks cool. That will make me feel better. Thanks. You're the bestest!

I'm off to run and read.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

vests make it work outier

I was at the gym again doing my usual elliptical, when I saw a guy with a vest. It had a lot of pockets. FILLED WITH WEIGHTS.

I was shocked! I imagine that makes everything you do harder! Why would you want that?! Isn't it hard enough already?

I can barely work out with a shirt on! (Don't worry, I keep my shirt on.) And that's just heavy duty cotton!

OH! And a few weeks ago I was talking about stepping. Like, on that step. At the gym. I saw a guy totally doing it! Not fakely like I did it. He was actually doing it in a way that looked like a real work out!

Imagine stepping on steps with weights in your vest. THAT would be really cool.

That's about all that happened at the gym recently. I guess the gym isn't too exciting.

Unless you consider a mermaid on a treadmill exciting. Because that totally happened. She also had a hat on. Like, a gardening hat. I didn't know that mermaids were big gardeners, but I guess they are.

At least this one is. Or maybe she's just a big hat wearer.

They should have a big-hat-wearing, mermaid-walking event at the Olympics. I already know a champion! She goes to my gym!

I could help her, too! I have a team of guys who can train her on stepping and weight-vest wearing!

Next year, we're going to get the gold. I just wish somebody would tell me where they are going to have the Olympics next year.

I'm off to walk with a mermaid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj