cheetah on the titans

If you read comic books, you’re probably shouting, “The Titans would never allow Cheetah onto their team! That’s just crazy talk!”

And you would be correct. Luckily, nobody reads comic books anymore. Except me.

If you’re normal, you might be thinking more about football and jungle kitties. And you would be correct!

There is an American football team called the Tennessee Titans. I know absolutely NOTHING about football. I only know that there is a team called the Titans. I love them because they are named after a comic book super hero team. That is all it took.

They have a really fast guy on the team. (Not The Flash. Unfortunately.) His name is Chris Johnson. He wants to race a cheetah.

Not Wonder Woman’s enemy. An actual cheetah from the jungle.

He’s going to do this on TV. Because he thinks he can win.

I LOVE that he’s going to do this, but I’m pretty sure he’ll lose. A cheetah’s top speed is 75 mph. That’s fast.

In THEORY. Again, THEORETICALLY, a human could MAYBE get to 40 mph. But the fastest recorded human running was about 28 mph.

That’s a big difference. Also, I don’t know if our Titan knows this, but cheetahs are carnivores, so…um…if he doesn’t run fast enough, he won’t be running much. Ever.

I will watch this because I always cheer The Titans on. Because it makes me feel like I know sports even though I’m really cheering for a comic book team.

If you ever hear me say, “Go Titans!” you’ll know why.

On a side note, I’ve decided that I’m the fastest land animal. I was just bitten by a radioactive cheetah. Because I couldn’t run faster than it. Luckily, it was radioactive and gave me speed powers. Also, it didn't eat me, just a bite. (There’s nothing dangerous about that situation.)

The Titans should hire me. The football team AND the super hero team. My name will be Super-Fast Cheetah Guy. That’s a good solid name.

I’m off to race a cheetah.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

what would you like for weather

The CIA wants to control your weather! For some reason, the CIA is giving money to the National Academy of Sciences to work on Geoengineering.

They want to find ways to get rid of all the CO2 that’s causing all those climate change problems.

They can also make it rain if they want. Because that’s fun to do as a prank.

I have NO idea why the CIA is funding this. Do greenhouse gases prevent them from gathering intelligence? Perhaps it’s harder to spy on people when it is so hot and humid?

I don’t know much about the CIA, but I would NOT expect them to have a “Who we are” section on the “Clandestine Service” page of their website. I mean, should you really be introducing the world to the secret spies?! Am I the only one who thinks it’s odd that our secret intelligence agencies have websites?!

I wonder how many people go to the CIA website every day? As an American citizen, I would probably never go there. If I was not so wholesome and I wanted to learn about the CIA, luckily they have a very good website to teach me about their secrets with a very informative "Frequently Asked Questions" section.

The BEST part is the “Games” section! I solved that puzzle in 21 seconds! I think the CIA will now hire me to be a secret agent!

Then they can put me on their not-so-secret/secret-agency website! Perhaps I can convince them to update the cheesy “Welcome to our company” video! (Yes, it’s on there. And I’m proud to say I love it. Viva America!)

So why is the CIA helping with geoengineering? I have no answer to that. Maybe it’ll be funny to make it rain on people trying to plot against us?

Bad person: “We will plot evil things using these plans I wrote out on all these pieces of paper and this computer.”

(Begins to rain a lot.)

Bad person: “Oh no! I can’t read my plans anymore and my computer is broken from too much water!”

America: “HA! Looks like Evil’s plans are ALL WET!”

In my head, America is a heroic turtle wearing a cape.

Just in case the CIA is reading my blog (because nobody else is), I do love what you do to help these United States. I’m just making jokes at your expense. My brother always told me that when you mock somebody, that means you love them. That’s how I know my brother loves me.

He never explained what beating me up meant.

I’m off to solve more puzzles for the CIA.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

give me a beak

Wouldn’t you rather have a beak instead of teeth to eat your food? Isn’t it such a chore to keep chewing everything and crunching stuff all the time? 

Yes! It is! That’s why we should have beaks and just poke at stuff! SO much easier! 

At least, that’s according to one biologist who says it could actually be possible that evolution will fuse our teeth together and create a beak. 

He makes a good point. Our teeth are lazy. We only change our teeth once. ONCE! Other creatures grow new teeth all the time! So, it makes sense that they keep using them!

Humans just get two sets! How lame is that?! If we had beaks, we wouldn’t have to worry about all these teeth issues we have. 

I think I would look pretty good with a beak. A lot of birds are really cute. 

In fact, I think I would just like to evolve into a bird. Because I could fly. 

Maybe I’ll stay human, but have bird wings and a beak. Then I could fly and eat seeds, but also walk and buy shoes and belts. 

I like my shoes and belts a lot. That is why I want to keep them. 

The only thing that COULD be a problem would be gum. I’ve never seen a bird chew gum. I think you would need teeth for that, right? 

I’m no gum expert, but it seems likely that gum sales would go down if we had beaks. 

Gummy worm sales would go way up, though. Since it would be the ideal treat for a bird! 

You know what they say! The early bird/human hybrid catches the sale on gummy worms at CVS! 

At least that’s what I say every day! 

I’m off to beak fast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

law & order: sgu - special geese unit

China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?

They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”

Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”

The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”

I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.

Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.

I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.

Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.

It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.

So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.

Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.

I’m off to join the geese police.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the sidewalk is hungry

Scientists in the Netherlands have created cement that will clean the air for us because it eats smog!

It’s basically regular cement, but they add titanium oxide to it. I guess, for some scientific reason, titanium oxide “neutralizes air pollutants.”

How cool is that?! They could do this in big cities everywhere and help give us clean air!

This is a pretty huge idea because there is cement, like, everywhere. If we used this in sidewalks and buildings and trees and oceans and puppies, the air would be so much cleaner!

The only thing that could be a problem is if all the smog is gone. What will the sidewalks eat next?

Humans.

It’s inevitable! That’s what everything eats when it gets too hungry! I’ve seen it in millions of movies!

We won’t be able to leave our homes. Hopefully your house is made out of something uncement. The cement would evolve into a giant cement creature that will eat people and take over the world and make everybody learn how to knit and make sweaters and stuff!

Or something just as scary!

I should make a movie about this. To warn people. I’ll call it “Where the Sidewalk Ends…YOUR LIFE.”

Humanity's last hope is the light in the attic and the giving tree. If we can convince them to come out of retirement and help us.

I’m off to walk on the side.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

my blue world

The search for planets in our gigantalicious universe is quite a challenge. Lots and lots of them are far away. By “far away,” I mean REALLY FAR AWAY.

One of these planets is 63 light years away. It’s called HD 189733b. Or, as I like to call it, Snuzzles.

Snuzzles is Blue. Like Earth! Except differentish.

On Snuzzles, it rains molten glass. That’s right! Molten glass! I have just decided that if I could have a super power, I would like to make it rain molten glass. NOBODY would mess with me!

How scary would it be to have molten glass falling on you?! You would need a lead umbrella!

Imagine the last time you were walking around in the rain and you stepped in a puddle. Now image that puddle being MOLTEN GLASS. Goodbye heels! And feet!

We’d have to wear metal galoshes!

Mine would be a red. I would paint them with anti-molten paint.

It’s like waterproofing. For MOLTEN GLASS. (I’m currently mildly obsessed with saying molten glass.)

So astronomers know that Snuzzles is blue with molten glass rain. It’s not really a place you might want to visit, but it’s pretty cool to think about what kind of animals would evolve on that kind of world.

Probably something cute. Like a baby sloth. With super strong fur that can handle molten glass! And have poison-tipped razor claws!

For extra protection.

I’m off to molten glass.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

vampires in poland

Archaeologists have found an old grave site. With vampires! That’s right! Vampires!

They were building a new road (not the archeologists, Poland's construction crews) and they found a bunch of skeletons. With no heads! Well, the heads were in there, but they were taken off the body and placed on their legs.

Turns out people used to do this to vampires because they figured that would prevent them from coming back from the grave. I think a beheading would keep most people from coming back from the grave.

See, back in the olden days, people would blame vampires for bad stuff. Like, if Jimmy had a bad crop, a vampire did it. Because…um…well, logic wasn’t really important. Vampires were just cranky and would cause plagues and droughts for funsies!

Even if there WERE really vampires, why would they plague you? Would they really want diseased blood?

And when they’re not in the mood for blood, wouldn’t they want some fresh rhubarb or arugula from your farm?

YES! They would! Why did these people not just say that when they were accused of being vampires?

Also, couldn’t they just say that if they actually had the power to plague tons of people, couldn’t they just NOT get decapitated? Or at least plague all the people who decided to arrest them?

It’s too bad that I wasn’t around then to be a vampire lawyer. I’m kind of a vampire expert. I stayed awake for most of the first Twilight movie.

I’d be Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Lawyer. Like a cross between Boston Legal and True Blood. Except awesomer. Because I would drive around in a rainbow Cadillac and have an adorable alien sidekick named El Even.

I’m off to habeas vampirus corpus.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

moon national park

Two Representatives filed legislation that would make the moon a U.S. National Park!

Forget Zion! Go to the moon! They want NASA and the Dept. of the Interior to make this happen. (Remember, the Dept. of the Interior deals with exterior places. Confusing, I know, but that’s our government!)

Now, technically, the moon isn’t OWNED by these United States. But the stuff we LEFT there is ours! And I guess “stuff” can become “National Park.” 

Now, if Newt Gingrich had his way, we would own the moon AND it would be the 51st State! I seriously know almost NOTHING about Newt Gingrich. I did write about his “smartphone” issue a few months ago, but besides that, I know nothing.

STILL, he’s quickly becoming one of my most favoritest people. Because, like the smartphone debate, he says totally random things that make complete sense to me. 

Like trying to get the moon to be a state! He even wanted to create space factories!

Not factories that would create new space, but rather factories to build stuff IN SPACE! 

And whenever you add “IN SPACE” to anything, it’s automatically 84.3% cooler! 

Imagine having coffee grown IN SPACE. (Organic and fair-trade, of course.) Or maybe having pants that say Made in Space! 

That would be the coolest. Take a look at my space-pants, baby! 

So do I want space factories and moon bases and a National Park near Copernicus Crater? Yes. I do. 

And I will buy astronaut ice cream there. Because that’s my FAVORITE thing to buy on special trips IN SPACE.

I’m off to state the moon.

Enjoy Everything...in space.

-dj

coffee in kandahar

Our troops need coffee! Well, not our troops, but Canada’s troops!

Wait…our troops need coffee too! I’m writing this in the United States, in case you didn’t know. Canada is north of me.

I don’t know much about the military. One of the military departments called me when I started looking into college. Maybe it was the Army? National Guard? I can’t remember. But they asked if I ever thought about joining. I told them that I probably wouldn’t be too good at it.

If you ever meet me, you’ll see why. I’m not very strong. I don’t even have the potential to be strong. I told them that.

They asked me what I liked to do, so I told them that I like to write. The guy on the phone said that they have a newspaper I could work on!

Can you imagine what our military would be like if I wrote for them?! Go ahead, read a few of these “articles” I write. Now, imagine these being written for our troops.

I’m pretty sure I’d be fired. Fast. That, or the world would think we’re fighting evil lightning wizards, laserbots, and diamond dragons every week on the Death Star. (Which we are, but they’re keeping it a secret.)

Untangently speaking, Canada has a coffee chain called “Tim Hortons.” That's Canadian for "Coffee." It’s pretty huge there. Turns out, they put some Tim Hortons with the Canadian troops in Kandahar! They were hoping to build more of them for future missions, but a spokesperson said they were “no longer required.”

WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense! Coffee and donuts “no longer required?” Sounds to me like the enemy has infiltrated from within!

Laserbots have taken over the Canadian military and plans on eating all the donuts and drinking all the coffee for themselves leaving the troops to be drowsy and unsugared!

Then evil will win the war! I should have done my civic duty and joined the Canadian’s military newspaper. Then this wouldn’t be happening. I’d be, like, the Lois Lane of the Canadian military. Wait…I meant to say Clark Kent. Not Lois. I really need to fix my “Backspace” button.

I’m off to enlist some coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

need a new head

Did you hear that scientists might be able to give you a new head?! Yeah! Some neuroscientist figured out how to do a head transplant! 

I don’t know much about science, but this seems rather complicated. Like, how do you get into a situation where a new head would be helpful? I think they should call it a body transplant. Because, I figure, one head would have to be “alive” and that head would get a new body. 

Right? I’m not sure if that makes sense. Unless you just wanted to switch heads with somebody, then, by all means, get transplantery! 

Turns out scientists have been trying to do this for years! No kidding! They’ve been doing this to animals forever. Even succeeding in 1970! 

A head transplantologist took the head of one monkey and put it on another! He lived for 8 days after that! 

I can’t imagine animals being happy about being in the head transplant test group. Or maybe I’m wrong about that. Perhaps animals love it! 

Kangaroo: “I hope I’m in line for the head transplant!”

Horse: “What?! Why?”

Kangaroo: “Because, if they put a narwhal head on me, I would be unstoppable!”

Horse: “DUUUUUUDE! You’re totally right! I should get that! I could be a unicorn!”

Kangaroo: “Whatever! That’s so last year. This is the year of the Nargaroo!”

That’s actual audio from the animal research lab. I recorded it. Really…I did. 

I would put my head on something awesome. Like an ocelot. Or a hedgehog! And change my name to Sonic! 

Yeah…that would be cool. 

I’m off to head off.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

on my world, it means hope

I guess that’s only on your world. I finally saw “Man of Steel” the other day. (Yeah, it takes me a while to finally get to the movies! I’m busy reading comics!)

So, was there any “hope” in this movie? Not really. Am I a movie critic? Nope! What I say here is just one comic book fan’s rant. Nothing special. Oh, and if you’re even lazier than I am going to the movies, there are spoilers. Also, this is really long and boring. (I just finished writing and realized that it’s REALLY, REALLY long! Like, too long to even bother reading, so go do something productive! Like, swim a marathon or play drums on your belly or something.)

I liked the movie. It was a good action movie. Not a good Superman movie. Superman is supposed to instill hope in us! This Superman did nothing like that!

I’ll start with the gooooooood stuff! The action was great! It was some of the best “super” fighting I’ve seen. Fast, but clear. Really well done. Almost as good as the end of “The Avengers,” but not as fun. Still, super cool! (Get it? Super? HA!)

The new Krypton origin was clever and totally worked. I liked it a lot. Also, all that stuff about the government not trusting an alien coming to Earth and the crazy amount of military in the movie made a lot of sense. So that was good. Especially Christopher Meloni doing what he does best. Being awesome.

Smallville? Not so awesome. Pa Kent keeps telling his son NOT to save lives! Don’t show your powers! Soooo...what could possibly inspire young Clark Kent to actually become Superman? Nothing. There is NO inspiration for him to be a hero! Way to be a buzzkill, Pa!

Like I said, the fighting was cool, but the amount of destruction was crazy! And, sure, Superman may have saved the planet, but Metropolis is gone. Literally gone. With maybe 4 people from the Daily Planet alive. Seriously. Superman made absolutely no effort to worry about humans. He actually only caught two people falling. Two.

Then, at the end, Zod is using his heat vision all over the place. Superman holds him back from killing a few people (finally, he’s saving somebody!) and to save the day, he snaps Zod’s neck.

No. Just…no. Superman doesn’t do that! I think they were trying to make it seem like he had no choice. Really?! Um…how about JUST TURNING HIS HEAD A LITTLE INSTEAD OF ALL THE WAY AROUND! Clearly that’s an option! Or making him look upward. OR STANDING UP AND FLOATING A FEW INCHES TO LET THE PEOPLE RUN AWAY! YOU CAN FLY!

Then, at the end, the military trusted Superman. But I can’t believe that the human race could possibly like him at all. Hope? Nope! (I just thought of that clever rhyme!)

So there. That’s my rant. This would have been a perfect alien invasion movie. I guess starring Will Smith or Keanu Reeves as a good super-powered alien who saves the day, but is kinda “meh” about destruction. Again, not a good Superman movie.

I never thought I’d say any Superman movie could be worse than “Returns.” But “Returns” is actually looking like a great movie now! Sure it had its flaws (boy howdy, did it have flaws!), but at least Superman was Superman!

I remember having many complaints about Batman not being very “Batman” in the recent trilogy, also. For some reason, almost every Marvel Comics movie keeps true to the character AND makes a great movie. DC Comics just can’t seem to do that.

But, people are still seeing the movies, so I guess that’s good. Whatever brings money to the company to keep making comic books! Go spend your money on “Man of Steel” movies and DVDs and Blu-rays and laserdiscs! I’ll keep buying the comics. (Sorry this is so long! I'm a little crazy. But, I warned you!)

I’m off to take a deep breath and find the real Superman. (Which I did by reading good Superman comic books all weekend!)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

yeah yeah yeah

Yeah!

That’s all you needed to hear isn’t it? Now you will believe EVERYTHING I SAY.

According to MIT you will! They found out that “yeah” is the “most persuasive word” in business. It will help you get your way and make people trust you.

Other strong words are “meeting” and “start.”

Trusting me so far? I bet you are! Yeah! Trust me!

I am going to start putting “yeah” into everything I say. I might just put it in random spots. You know, to instill even MORE trustiness!

I think I’ll gather everybody I know and tell them this:

Let’s START the MEETING about why I need more money and candy and a pet porcupine. YEAH! MEETING time! I would like to START by saying that building me a candy castle is the best idea ever. We should START making this castle immediately. We can have a MEETING about this building soon. YEAH, building this castle is a great idea. Also, the moat should be filled with chocolate. YEAH, chocolate. Let’s START the MEETING about the chocolate moat tomorrow. YEAH!

How about that?! Don’t you trust me now?! You find my words VERY PERSUASIVE! Do my bidding!

YEAH! You will! Because I used the MOST POWERFUL WORD IN BUSINESS! I used it excessively, which means, you will trust me excessively.

Do you want stuff to? Us it yourself!

Do you want a robot to hang your laundry? YEAH!

Do you want a cake made out of cookies? YEAH!

Do you want a stick of artificially-flavored, minty gum?! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

All these things and so much more can be yours! Yeah!

I’m off to START a MEETING. YEAH.

Enjoy Everything. Yeah.

-dj

exit, pursued by a sith

Do you love Shakespeare?! Do you love Star Wars?! If so, I have a treat for you!

I just found out that somebody took “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” (the very first Star Wars movie that was released in 1977) and rewrote it in the style of…

SHAKESPEARE!

Yes! This is so profoundly epic that I can barely keep my insides from becoming my outsides! And vice versa!

It’s called “William Shakespeare’s Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope.” I found excerpts online and it’s magnificent.

I love Shakespeare and Star Wars. They’re both awesome. Ian Doescher realized that I would buy this and decided to write it. Just for me. Luckily, other people have awesome taste and it will probably be a best seller for a million, billion, quadrillion, flubillion years!

Ian made everything into iambic pentameter. If you know poetry, you know what that means. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter. Just know that Shakespeare approves.

Even R2-D2’s beeps are written in meter. It’s…I just don’t have the words. This makes me so excited.

This will sit on your shelf next to all those other Shakespeare classics like A Hoth Tale, A Midsummer Night's Disturbance in the Force, The Merchant of Vader, Han-let, Much Alderaan About Nothing, etc...

The only thing that could make me even mored exciteder would be if someone actually used this script to put on a play.

If you do that, call me forever until I answer my phone and please, please, please cast me in your show! I will do anything to be in it!

Buy the book. Read the book. Then buy it for me. Or you can buy one for me first. I’m cool with that.

I’m off to a “star-crossed galaxy far, far away.”

Enjoy Everything.

-dj