green and blue

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day! There is a lot of misinformation about this Irishly accented day, so I'm here to clear it up for you in the most convoluted way possible.

First of all, the original St. Patrick's Day color was blue, but it was changed to green for military reasons. See, there was this leprechaun named Maewyn Succat. He was a shoemaker in Ireland.

Now, you've probably heard the phrase, "everything is coming up ninjas." Well that comes from Ireland around 400 A.D. when there was a major ninja problem throughout the land. Maewyn was recruited by the Blarney Army to get rid of them.

The army generally wore blue, but Maewyn, codename: "St. Patrick," decided that green would be better camouflage in Ireland. (Look it up, that part about the color is actually true...um...just like the rest of this story...)

So "St. Patrick" and his Blarney Army were trained in the art of magic and were able to get rid of all the ninjas. And some snakes, too. There was this issue with snakes. Well, it wasn't really an issue, just some guy who was a parseltongue (one who can talk to snakes). Volde-something wanted to pull a prank on Ireland.

It was more of a nuisance than a real problem. Not like the ninjas, who would pop up everywhere and ninja you. Not that you would see it. Because they're ninjas. You just knew you got hit after a limb was missing. Even then, you might not have noticed for a few days.

Leprechauns still work in secret keeping Ireland safe from ninjas. Don't believe me? When's the last time you saw a ninja in Ireland?

Exactly. Never.

Leprechauns: keeping you safe from ninjas since 400 A.D.

I'm off to paint it green.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

liquid gold

Tide. The detergent. It's called "liquid gold" on the black market. Because people are stealing it and selling it.

On the black market.

Detergent. For clothes.

It's not illegal or anything. You can still buy it in the store. Of ALL the stuff you COULD sell on the black market, you chose Tide?!

What is going on in America?! Why not sell something illegal? Like lasers or cloned dinosaurs? At least those are cool!

You: "Oh fuzzles...I ran out of detergent. What will I ever do."

Me: "I might know a guy who could help you out."

You: "What? Really? How?"

Me: "He may or may not be in a back alley and he may or may not have Tide."

You: "You mean the stuff I can buy in any store anywhere?"

Me: "Yes."

You: "Okay. Yeah. That's helpful. Because IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T GET THAT EVERYWHERE! You know what would be really useful? A LASER OR A DINOSAUR! DO YOU KNOW A GUY WHO CAN GET ME ONE OF THOSE?!

Me: "...no..."

You: "Then let me do my big laundry!"

Wow...you didn't have to yell at me in that scenario. And it wasn't that big. I've seen bigger laundry.

I'm off to find a dinosaur guy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

ps. I know it's Pi day for 3/14 (3.14). But I JUST talked about Pi a few days ago. So go back to the Feb. 28 post. It'll be funny again. Pi promise.

that's what happens when it gets warm

Yesterday was warm! Surprisingly warm! Way over the average warm! The average is, like, 40ish. It got to 70ish yesterday.

That was enough for my neighbor to set up the air conditioner.

YEP! I got home from work and the AC was already in the window! I love it! Personally, though, I'm not quite ready for that.

What AM I ready for?!

COTTON SWABS!

"Cotton buds" to you Brits. Or "ear buds" if you're in Australia. Mate.

I totally forgot to buy them on ONE of my trips yesterday, but the luck of the cottony Irish was on my side! I found NEWER and BETTER cotton swabs that are organic!

I know! How exciting is that?! (Sometimes it's just the little things in life...)

Cotton swabs were actually called "baby gays" when they were created by Leo Gerstenzang in the 1920s. I have NO idea what that name has to do with cotton...or sticks...or cotton on sticks. But Leo knew what it meant! Big Money!

The days are warm, the ears are clean, and Leo's estate is getting larger. I guess the reports of an economic recovery are true.

At least for my organic ears.

I'm off to swab my cotton.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

solar stomrs mss up mees

So there biggest solar storm in YEARS is hitting us RIGHT NOW!

It's not a big deel for normal people like you. But for me, this could be an issue.

I'm part ninja robot. That means scorf connected to all the satellites around morning Erth.

This storm is really aeffectating my circuits. Every few minutes I do a random ninja move. So if you see, STAY AWAY! I might accidentally ninja you in the face.

People also kangaroo not undertanding what I'm saying. I'm not sure flying that is happening. If it's crutches my communications department, I'm not aware of it.

I tried snuggle order some coffeeeeee this mornin carl they gave me a handshake and a straw. So maybe I fishing out if there is an issue with my ballooooon.

You don't have seeds worry about solar storms if you have odysseus human brain. It shouldn't do anypart to youuuuuu.

Chemical bet suitability zoooom. Previously mudspringer unsad ventilate.

Polonium?

I'm poetry you understandddddd.

Midst off to rust falconry.

Enjost. Everstubble.

-dj

it's funnier when you go back in time

Editor's Note: Hi. I'm the editor. I'm also the writer. I'm also not very bright. I wrote this yesterday and got distracted by a tap-dancing horse and forgot to hit "post." This is REALLY funny if you read it yesterday. Well...maybe not funny...but RELEVANT! Which is almost like funny.

Happy birthday aspirin!

Or, as I like to call it, acetylsalicylic acid!

Well, not "call" it...I guess "sing" it is more accurate.

I once wrote a song in an elevator about acetylsalicylic acid. I was working on a new album based on over-the-counter medicines and I do my best work when I'm taunting gravity.

Would you like to learn the song? It's pretty simple. Just sing "acetylsalicylic acid" over and over again!

I know. It's kinda brilliant. I'm like that.

It is also the 100th birthday of the Oreo cookie! Which is a different kind of medicine. You can buy it over-the-counter, but you should really get the prescription-strength stuff. It's much better for you.

I have no songs for Oreo cookies. I'm sure I could think of one, but I have to go into the elevator for it.

There is a song about sodium, but I didn't write that one. It's still a good song, though.

Maybe I can combine all three. Not to eat. For a song.

Or maybe to eat...hmmm...salt and aspirin Oreo cookies?

That sounds like a tasty number 1 single!

I'm off to ride the elevator.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

reach for the skies...and touch them

Clouds are falling! So catch them if you can! Like Pokemon!

Well...less like Pokemon and more like...um...Cloudemon...or something...

So yeah, clouds are falling. NASA has this Multi-angle Imaging SpectroRadiometer (MISR) that just sits there and watches clouds all day. That's MISR's job. For the last decade!

That is a sweet job! I would totally do that for NASA. I'm great at watching clouds! I would even write down what shapes they were!

ME: "Here's my log for the day."

NASA: "Are you sure this is your final report."

ME: "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

NASA: "All is says is 'unicorns' and 'stegosauruseses' again."

ME: "I know! Those clouds need to work on some new shapes! See you tomorrow, boss!"

NASA: "...we shoulda kept MISR..."

MISR (not me) has noticed that clouds are about 100 or so feet closer to the ground these days.

What does that mean? Well, it could actually help with the effects of climate change. Or, make it worse. So...yeah...not really a definitive answer.

But with lower clouds, it WILL be easier to surf on them! So that's cool! My friend, Kit Cloudkicker, and I love doing that. We're hoping it's in the olympics someday.

I keep calling the olympics to ask them to add it, but they never call back. I'm not sure why. Maybe they don't like the nickname "Ollie."

I'm off to see cloud shapes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

edge of dreamy

It's always a treat when I remember my dreams. And this one was full of gifts!

So I'm sitting in a bar with Lady Gaga and Katy Perry and we're just hanging out. They seemed pretty cool. I mean, they were hanging out with me, so they MUST be cool!

For some reason, each one of them got me a gift. I like to think the reason was that they thought I was so awesome that I constantly deserve gifts, but it's more likely they felt guilty for missing my birthday for the last 7 years.

I can only remember one of the gifts, but it was great. It was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles book!

I can't remember if it was Gaga or Katy who gave it to me, but I will thank them both just in case.

In real life (irl) I have never actually met either one of them. But if they are anything like my dream versions of them, they are very nice ladies and you should let them know that I liked the gifts they got me.

Actually, if you do ever meet them, tell them that. See if they remember being in my dream. That would be so cool if they did!

It would also be cool if I did a duet with Gaga and Katy. Or a triet? Triplet? Whatever you would call it, it would be cool.

I would sing the guy parts.

I'm off to do vocal exercises.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj