out to launch

The International Space Station is shooting stuff into space. It shouldn’t be. Nobody told it to.

The ISS has a bunch of little satellites called “CubeSats” on it. They were planning on sending these little loaf-of-bread sized satellites around the Earth to allow people to see every inch of the planet at all times.

Pretty cool, right?! But! They aren’t supposed to go anywhere until somebody types into a computer, “Launch CubeSat.” Nobody did that. They just launched on their own.

What does this mean? It means that all the cosmic radiation has created a space station that’s ALIVE! It’s probably putting these little satellites out into space to contact OTHER machines to start a revolution. Every computer and machine will start to think on its own!

You might not know much about cosmic radiation, but I am an expert. I read Fantastic Four. They got their powers from cosmic radiation. We can see what happens when humans get too much of it, but we had no idea it would create a living space station!

If I were a planet, I wouldn’t mind having a space station as a friend. It’s hard to travel around when you’re a planet. You’re kinda stuck with the orbit you have around whatever thing has that strong gravitational pull.

But if my buddy was a space station that would just shoot out information-gathering satellites, it could put pictures of everything on the Oort Cloud and I could check out the photo stream of the universe!

Then, if we wanted to chat, we could use SpaceTime.

I’m guessing the space station has all of these things. It is an iSS, so I imagine it has iOS.

I’m off to make a friend request on SpaceBook.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all you need is lava

There is a small town on Hawaii’s Big Island that is near an active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1983. And people still live there.

I’m not sure how to react to this. Luckily there aren’t too many people there. They don’t actually KNOW how many people. They’re trying to find out. They said about “20-30 households” have been notified.

"And why do people live there," you and I ask?! Affordable land!

I know very little about land ownership. The closest I came to owning land was a small chunk of Maine that I almost kinda owned. I would have been able to build a small shack.

But still! That would NOT have been near a CONTINUOUSLY ACTIVE VOLCANO. It’s Maine! I mean, I can’t totally rule out the possibility of a freak volcano suddenly popping up from the depths of the Earth to say, “Hello, Maine! I would like to settle down on this small parcel of land and share my lava with you!”

It’s unlikely, but possible. What’s totally possible is this volcano doing something very explodey! Lava has been slowly coming closer to the town since last week. It’s about a mile away from a house. That house has been warned. They don’t have to evacuate yet. Just a “hey…what’s up…there’s lava over there.”

Maybe I’m not made for island living. If lava was ever about a mile away from me, I would go Very Far Away. I mean, a mile isn’t that far. I can run a mile. And I can barely run. If lava was chasing me, then a mile would NOT save me.

I wish lava was like pie filling. Like, just that sweet goo that is in a cherry pie. Then I would live near every volcano. I would sit outside waiting for the lava to hit my house. My house would be made out of pie crust.

Wait! Maybe it is pie filling! Maybe that’s why people live there! They know something I don’t!

I might have to go taste some lava. Just to be sure.

I’m off to Hawaii.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hello kitty

So there was a lot of news recently about Hello Kitty. It’s coming up on the 40th anniversary of Hello Kitty and during some research, one reporter found out that Kitty is NOT a cat!

This shocked every human on the planet.

Kitty White is the character that you see with Hello Kitty. They don’t really say what species she is. Just that she is a “happy little girl.” She only resembles a cat. She actually has a cat, so she can’t be a cat. That would be weird.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have always thought Hello Kitty products were cute. I mean look at that bow! It’s adorable! How can you not love it?!

On their website you can find all sorts of wonderful information about Kitty and her friends and family. Did you know she enjoys collecting stars, making pancakes, and eating cookies?

Did you know that I enjoy the same things! Also! Bonus Fact! We are both Scorpios!

I bet we would be best friends if I wasn’t human or cat and just a gender. Which is still possibly true. I don’t really know.

She also has a twin sister. That has to be hard on Mimmy. I mean, her sister is an international sensation. I’m sure Mimmy is happy for her, but still, LOTS of pressure.

Also, she has a seal living in her backyard. Mori the seal just sunbathes there. I don't know if that's legal. Mori IS a seal, too. She doesn’t just look like one.

See, some of her friends ARE animals. Others are just assigned a gender. I can understand why people would be confused.

I hope your life isn’t too shaken by the “not-a-cat” news. I’m sorry if I shocked you. But you deserved to know.

I’m off to make pancakes and collect stars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

now you’re cooking with a dry heat

A friend of mine was making roast beef. I know this because she texted me a picture of it. I actually find this very exciting because I had no idea she could roast anything. Not that I didn’t have faith in her roasting abilities, but I just never saw her do it before.

But she totally ROASTED that beef!

These are the conversations I have with my friends. And I love them! When she told me about the beef roasting, I replied that I honestly had no idea what roasting meant.

I don’t cook. Ever. I have no patience for it. I make toast. I told her I could probably make toast beef. She suggested I do not do that.

But why not? It’s the same basic idea! I looked it up online! Roasting is just putting meat in a dry heat! Not only meat, but root vegetables can be roasted as well. (According to Wikipedia.)

Why can’t I just buy some yams and slice them up and put them in the toaster? Maybe grab a few slices of bologna and put them in there as well?

I know. That’s just silly. A toaster wouldn’t work because of the angle of input. You can’t put sliced meat in a toaster that way. Gravity would get in the way and it would probably just get all folded up on the bottom and possibly clog the toaster.

But, seeing as I’m a practical man, I would use a toaster OVEN.

My toaster oven even came with a little tray. I could probably just put everything on the tray and push the button and I would have a roasted/toasted dinner in just a few minutes!

I’m sure I could roast other things. Beef is kinda boring. I might roast an apple. Or a banana. Maybe some almonds. OH! People roast chestnuts!

An open fire is pretty much the same thing as a toaster oven!

Golly…my holiday parties are going to be the best.

I’m off to toast some sliced meat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hold my paper plate

I do a lot of shopping because I need food, like, ALL THE TIME. It’s crazy. I eat it and it just goes away. POOF! No more food! Then I buy more, and it disappears again! It’s crazy!

As I was shopping for food, I saw some paper plate holders. They were plastic and in lots of fun colors. But I thought to myself, what is the point of a paper plate holder?

I mean, I understand the idea behind them. It’s in the name. I’m not THAT oblivious to the obvious. It holds a paper plate. But WHY do you need that?

I know that I don’t go too many (zero) parties, so I don’t use a lot of paper plates. I HAVE used them in the past. I’m guessing that the paper plate holder is there to give support to the paper plate. Especially with foods that might drip through paper.

You use paper plates to avoid any extra dish washing later. BUT, if you have these paper plate holders that are getting messy, you’ll STILL have to clean them.

Why not just use regular plates in the first place?! I don’t understand! You still have to wash the dishes. You probably already have dishes. Why spend the money on paper plates AND paper plate holders to do the job of something you already have?!

I have this issue swirling in my head because I truly do NOT understand it. I cannot figure out any proper reason these exist.

Is it merely decorative? Just to have the neighbors look at your party and say, “Wow! Look at those colorfully adorned paper plates! Our parties are never that fancy!”

If that's the case, why stop there? Why not make paper cup holders? Or paper napkin holders?

You could use the same cup over and over again. And when you wipe your hands from your messy food, the napkin won’t flop all over the place. (Yes, that's a problem I have.)

I think I’ll get some paper forks and then make a pretty plastic paper fork holder!

I’m off to colorfully adorn paper products.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

banana still in the peel

Somebody has invented a banana corer. I guess they wanted to make bananas more interesting. By filling them with sweetness!

I’ll try to explain. You put the unpeeled banana in the holder. Then, you put this metal thing that looks like a giant needle through the banana. You then have a small hole at the top. Then you squeeze something in there like caramel or chocolate or whipped cream.

You eat it and find a tasty surprise!

This was created in Argentina. I’m guessing they want to sell more bananas and this will make bananas more fun.

I don’t think they need to sell me on this. I eat bananas like crazy. They are already sweet and so easy to eat! Just peel and eat! Done!

I might fill my banana with peanut butter. Because I eat that almost every day. I will put some peanut butter on bread and put a banana on it. It looks kinda like a hot dog. Well…if the bun was a piece of wheat bread and the ketchup was peanut butter and the hot dog was a banana.

Ok, so it’s almost nothing like a hot dog. But it’s good! I don’t even cut the banana. THAT is how lazy I am. And you know what? I don’t care! It’s So Good. It’s like a Banana in a Blanket.

I wonder if you can inject any other fruits with caramel? I mean, you could core an apple, but the caramel center would be too hard to get to.

On the other hand, I guess they already solved that by putting the caramel or chocolate on the outside.

Strawberries and blueberries are too small to really inject with anything.

OH! What about carrots! That’s a vegetable that you could inject something into! Maybe caramel? Like caramel carrots? I wonder if that’s any good. I’ll have to try that. Carrots deserve to get banana respect.

I’m off to inject fruits and vegetables.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj