trees, not birds

I know birds love trees. And that's great. I love trees. I have never made a nest in a tree, but I still love them.

Today is Arbor Day! And for some reason, people celebrate Bird Day at the same time!

Bird Day is NOT until May 4! PLEASE LET ARBOR CELEBRATE ALONE!

It's brutally unfair to arbors to throw birds into their day.

How would you like it if your birthday came a week before National Phone Day and all day long people put them together and were, like, "Tell your phone I said hello!"

"Oh, yeah...happy birthwhatever..."

How does that feel? Not good.

Do you want our perennial woody plants to feel that way?

I didn't think so.

So make sure you bring a little gift out for every tree you see today. Give it a hug and let it know how much you love it.

Buy expensive gifts, too. Like...diamonds...and candy. And let me know where all these trees are so I can...um...make sure the trees get their gifts and nobody steals it.

I'm just trying to do my part. Protecting the trees.

And don't say anything nice to birds today. They get their day next week. They can wait. Impatient, hollow-boned wing flappers...

I'm off to picnic with a tree.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

meal in a chip

Lay's, the potato chip people, have created a new chip that tastes like a BLT sandwich!

According to a review, they say that "the flavors of toasted bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise" were all tastable!

For some reason, the taste of potato was not clearly there. On a potato chip. I cannot explain that part.

If you are anything like me, which you probably are, you love this idea! Making sandwiches takes SOOOOO LONG!

First you have to put out the bread, THEN put some bacon on it, THEN put lettuce on it, THEEEEEEEEN put tomato on it!

Don't even get me started on frying the bacon or slicing a tomato!

This whole process could take hours. DAYS EVEN!

Using science and magic, Lay's put all the flavor you want into a simple-to-eat form!

Now if they could only make a spinach and peanut butter sandwich potato chip, my life would be complete. That would save me, like, 10 minutes every day.

That's, like, twenty years every year! THAT is a lot of time I could be spending watching cartoons!

Or napping! Because napping gives me fun dreams. Like yesterday, I had a dream I was a Green Lantern. It was AWESOME! Almost better than a potato chip.

I'm off to chip my potato.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

magic with sprinkles

People in 1936 were very spoiled. And I'm SO glad they were!

Toast was not good enough for them. Toast is one of the most magical foods EVER. It's not just "cooked bread." Nope, bread goes through a complete genetic change and becomes toast in a magical machine called a "toaster."

It's the only food I eat that changes its name when heated.

Well...magic wasn't enough for people in 1936. NOPE! They said, "Wow...this toast is pretty magical, but wouldn't it be more magical with sprinkles?"

And the world said YES!

They created chocolate sprinkles to put on toast. You got it! THAT is the reason we have chocolate sprinkles today.

So the next time you get some ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, stare deeply at the sprinkles settling on that mound of ice cream and say, "Thank you toast. Without you, these scoops of ice cream would be less sprinkly and more melty."

Say it really loudly, too. It will be funny. And educational to all the people who do not know the history of the chocolate sprinkle.

I think if I were a pony, I would like to change my name to Chocolate Sprinkle. Or Toast.

Both are pretty awesome.

I'm off to sprinkle my toast.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

singapore loves hugs

Coca-Cola wants to share the love with free soda! That's right! They have created a vending machine in Singapore that will pop out a can of Coke if you hug the machine!

That's all you have to do! Just hug it! And it's free!

Now, I've been hugging vending machines for years. I would press G-7 for a bag of pretzels, the bag would fall down, I would take it out, then I would hug the machine and say, "Thank you for your service and love...and salty, pretzel goodness."

"Salty, pretzel goodness" can be replaced with whatever I buy. I don't always buy pretzels. Sometimes I buy Pop-Tarts. When I buy those, I say "sugary, fruit-filled yummness."

There's a lot of hyphenating today! Coca-Cola, Pop-Tarts, fruit-filled, hug-love, car-stick, fun-dug, hoop-star, etc-etc...

Well...some of those I just made up right now and they have nothing to do with hugging a vending-machine, but it's so fun to hyphenate! Even when you don't need-them!

I hope you hug machines that give you stuff. The gas pump, ATM, CoinStar, whatever. They deserve to be loved for their hard work.

Just in case they decide to take over the world, they will remember that you loved them. And they will love you back and maybe NOT make you slaves in their robot world.

That's my hope.

I'm off to hug a hyphen.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

canada's current currency

I know a lot of people make jokes about Canada. I may have done it in the past. BUT! I also praise Canada for their amazing candy and snack foods! They have all sorts of stuff up there that you just can't get in our boring country.

Money is something else that Canada decided to make funner. It's awesome! It's all different colors and stuff. How fun is that?!

Not fun enough for the Royal Canadian Mint! They said that it needs be even funnerer!

They have just created the glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter!!!!!!!!!

I am NOT kidding!

On one side is a pachyrhinosaurus lakustai. It looks like what most dinosaurs look like. But turn the lights off, and you see the glowing skeleton of the dinosaur!

Why isn't all American money like that! I WANT GLOWY MONEY!

On the other side is Queen Elizabeth.

Her skull does not glow. But that would have been awesome.

I have a lot of big change transactions happening in dark places at night and if I could see the glowing skull of George Washington when I made these...transactions...I wouldn't have to worry so much about dropping my quarters!

I'm sure you have the same problem. Though, I don't know if you do what I do at night.

I'm not allowed to talk about it, but let's say that if I didn't do what I do, Mars and Venus might not be so friendly.

Maybe I can transfer to Canada so I can use dinosaur money.

Or maybe you can write to your state representative and let them know you want glow-in-the-dark money.

Because Canada has it. And we don't want to look uncool to Canada.

I'm off to the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

how low can you go?

You thought I was done talking about low stuff?! You were wrong!

If you thought the sink was bad news, wait until you hear about the TV situation!

I'm not a tall guy. I'd say average heighth and width and depth. Well...I'm pretty deep. Maybe deeper than deep. If you read some of my poetry, you would know that.

"The mind can search far for the eyes to see
an ocean of knowledge in a star sea."

Deep, right? I thought so. All that talk about oceans and stars and seas. They all have a lot of deepyness.

I was watching TV this weekend and decided to sit on the floor. Because, you know, we deepers do that sometimes. Guess what I found out?

TV is SOOOOO much better from a lower perspective! Seriously! SO GOOD!

Go on...try it...I'll wait...

See what I mean?!

I'm not sure how to get the TV higher, though. THAT is where I run into trouble. I don't know what to do. Those giant TV bookshelves are too low. I need to get one of those wall mount things and put it near the ceiling. THAT would be AWESOME!

I should be a designerator of the homes. Because my ideas might finally bring world peace. Or something like that. Better posture, perhaps.

Also, my dad agrees with me on the sink thing. So there's a 50/50 chance he'd hire me to design his sinks and TV holders. Unless he finds somebody who actually knows what they're doing. Let's hope he doesn't. I would love a designer's salary.

I'm off to sit up straight.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sink so low

I have an issue with sinks. I've noticed it for years but didn't want to bring it up. I will be quiet NO LONGER! The Secret Society of Stealthy Sink Sailors have scared me for long enough! I don't care how many sailors they send after me. I WILL BE HEARD!

Sinks are too low.

There. I said it. It's out there now. You can't deny it. Every time I wash my hands, my back hurts. Every time I wash my dishes, my back hurts.

It's a conspiracy. I have absolutely no proof, but I'm pretty much completely certain that sink makers and chiropractors have a back-alley deal going on.

I'm not sure which alley they backed in, but I imagine it was a nice one with ergonomic chairs and chrome handles.

OH! And I bet the sponge people are involved with them too. Because, you know, sponges are needed a lot when you do dishes. So maybe they wanted in on this action.

This runs deep. Really deep. Maybe all they way past the lower mantle.

That's pretty deep.

Almost as deep as my sink is. Which, by the way, IS TOO LOW.

So yeah, that's really all I wanted to talk about today. I wish there could be sinks just a little bit higher. So I could stand up straight and wash my hands. Maybe rest my elbows on the counter because I'm lazy.

Unfortunately, none of these things will happen because the SSofSSS will probably kidnap me and erase your memory of this entire conversation.

I'm off to see what those guys want in that white van over there.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

woodpeckers will rule the world

I didn't realize how scared I should be of the mighty woodpecker. They use their beaks to hit wood with a force 1,000 times greater than gravity.

GRAVITY, I SAY! Have you ever tried to defy gravity?! It almost always wins!

I mean, my rocket ship (car) can sometimes defy gravity when going into space. But JUST BARELY. Imagine trying to jump if gravity was 1,000 TIMES STRONGER!

That's what it feels like to get hit by a woodpecker!

They have extra muscles and thicker bones to handle the pressure. They ALSO have an extra eyelid to prevent their eyes from popping out!

I bet YOU don't have that!

These are crazy birds that we should NEVER make fun of! Seriously, you do NOT want an angry woodpecker to attack you.

Here's what we need to do: Learn their language and join forces. So if...I mean WHEN...we get attacked by alien crustaceans with shellish body armor, we have wood pecking protection.

You laugh, but I hear things. It's this high pitched whine in my head. It could be an ear problem, but I'm pretty much almost 99% sure that it's messages from aliens. In my head. About an attack. With crustaceans.

That's why we need the woodpeckers.

And dragons. Dragons would be good, too.

I'm off to learn Morse code.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

cuddly little tyrannosaurus

Scientists have found that the T. Rex may have been the cuddliest of all the dinosaurs!

I always KNEW they were fuzzy little love-snugglers!

They found some tyrannosaur fossils that show "fluffy down" remains on its skin! One scientist even says that it would be like "long, thick fur."

So having a pet tyrannosaurus is almost, kinda just like having a fluffy dog! Or a baby chick! Probably just like a fuzzy, cutie baby chick!

Or a bunny! A swumbly, cuddly-wuddly bunny! Like a baby easter bunny! Even a funzy, bubbly-tubbly wester bunny!

OH! I saw the Easter Bunny. Or, one of the bunny helpers. It was hopping along the road. I guess it was delivering goodies to children.

That, or running to cuddle with a tyrannosaurus! Because, you know, they're super fuzzy!

So the next time you are looking for a pet at the shelter, look in the tyrannosaur section first. They might be big, but that's just more to snuggle with!

And the more you snuggle, the more fun you have!

At least that's why my tyrannosaurus told me. And I believe everything he says. Because he has huge teeth.

And a huuuuuuge heart of fuzzy warmth!

I'm off to hug a dino.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bow down to the tax master

I finally did my taxes. It was awesome.

And I did it in just under 2 hours!

WHAAAAAAAAT?!

That's right. I ripped through those taxes like a sword through a hydrogen atom. What...you don't split atoms when you're swording? Well, not everybody can be as good a sworder as I am.

Maybe I should open a swording school and teach people my mystical talents in sword mastery. Soon you too could split the atom with a swipe of your sword!

Sure there will be some nuclear fission going on, but that's no biggie. That happens all the time. It's like sunshine. It's just there.

Do I need to claim nuclear fission on my taxes? I don't remember a box for that.

I did claim my sword as a dependent.

Because it is awesome and the government should know that.

I'm off to make up a refund.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hello, my name is larry

You know, Larry, right? The Quaker oat head guy!

YEP! His name is Larry! Not what I thought it would be. I've only met two Larrys in my life and one of them was a cucumber.

The other one was a human. But he liked cucumbers in his salad.

They were not friends.

When you think of Quakers, do you think of the name "Larry?" Really? He looks more "colonial" than a Larry, right? Like Nathaniel or Gervase or Elias. NOPE! His name is Larry.

Well, Quaker-Larry got a new look! Because, you know, the old look just wasn't cuttin it.

It's hard to notice, but if you squint, you'll see that his double chin is gone. Larry's been going to the chin-gym.

He also got a little trim of the white hairs so he doesn't look like such a hippy.

AND, he's showing a little more shoulder. Larry's gettin saucy!

So now, when you're sitting with your tub of Quaker Oats pondering life, look to Larry and tell him he looks good.

If he tells you something back, run. Run as fast as you can. That means your tub of oats is possessed and probably wants to eat you and turn you into some sort of oat-zombie.

Or, if you're lonely like me, keep talking to Larry and worry about the oat-zombiness later.

I'm off to roll my oats.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

bees knees run away

There's a bee problem. They are leaving. There are a lot of theories as to why this is happening. The latest one says pesticides are the problem.

But, are bees really dying? Or are they leaving on purpose?

Here's what we should REALLY be afraid of: The bees know something we humans (and any other species that might read my words) don't know.

What aren't the bees telling us?! Why are they keeping secrets?!

Can they sense an attack from some evil underground dragon? Or maybe they can hear the signals from aliens who are ready to attack us? TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON, BEES!

True story (probably not): When I was 14, I nursed an injured bee back to health. It broke its wing and I put a tiny cast on it and fed it honey and pollen until it could fly again. We shared lots of heart warming moments while acoustic guitars and pianos played in the background. It was very emotional.

So bees, if you are reading this, save me. And a few other people I like. And everybody who makes comic books. So I can still read them.

And stinging me (actually did happen) is NOT a good way to pay me back. Seriously. I cried when that happened.

So, you owe me. Like, twice.

I'm off to nurse a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj