Wednesday, October 31, 2012

unwieldy halloween


I'm no horror movie expert. I mean, I never really got into them. And maybe that's why I don't get "Friday The 13th."

Freddy's knife-fingers? How effective is that?! I mean, really, I can barely slice bread when I'm holding a knife with my whole hand! It has to be nearly impossible trying to do anything with them attached to a glove!

I feel like I would try to slash something and they would just get all bendy. There is a good possibility that he'll break a finger if he gets caught on something!

Who wants that? I mean, does he have good health insurance? Because if he doesn't, he's paying for all those broken finger visits out of pocket!

THAT adds up! Trust me! I once had spoon-fingers as a part-time job and I broke my fingers a few times. And I was only scooping custard!

Trying to cut through people? THAT'S hard! Peoples are thick! And not pre-sliced like bread!

Okay, I know he does it all in dreams. I guess he has a good hospital in dream land. They probably fix him up pretty quickly.

But still, every other horror/slasher person probably has an easier time slashing and horroring.

I suppose I can't knock the guy for trying to be original in an already crowded killer market.

Still, are the broken fingers worth it?

I got a bowl of custard that says no.

It's weird that I have talking custard. But it's not weird that we're friends.

I'm off to find my spoon glove.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

crazy maizey candy corn


Candy corn is back on my  mind!

It's Candy Corn Day! That means you get to celebrate everything candy corn!

All flavors! Well...all the good ones, at least.

Turns out, when they first made candy corn in the 1890s, they thought making other vegetables into candy would be a good idea.

And let me tell you. IT IS!

They made candy turnips. They did not sell. I don't know why. Turnips are actually kinda pretty. That purple/white thing they got going on? It's tasty looking! Just imagine it as a candy!

What about a candy radish?! Or a candy cauliflower?!

Ingredients: Sugar. Shape: Vegetable.

If every vegetable was a sugar, I would eat a lot more vegetables and a lot less candy.

So really, this would be healthy for me. And you. And for America!

Let's get these other candy vegetables back!

I would eat so many vegetables that I might die. From being so healthy.

And death by turnip is NOT a bad way to go. (Somebody might get that.)

I'm off to buy more candy corn. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, October 29, 2012

there's a hurricane in my tummy


I'm having a problem.

I have no idea how much food to eat. I can't quite figure it out. I know people keep telling me, "You don't have to worry about what you eat."

Well, I think I do. Because today my tummy has declared war on my body. Not a cyber war, either. This is full on battle where my tummy is trying to advance up throatopolis but my swallowing soldiers are fighting back.

I think it's a losing battle.

I'm not sure if I ate too much yesterday or ate something bad. But I never know when I'm full. My stomach never says, "Ok, that's enough food." It usually says, "Just keep on eating, I love it!"

Until today. When it doesn't love it. At all.

Luckily, there is a storm going on and if I don't eat, I won't run out of food supplies! That's a big plus! I stocked up on peanut butter and candy corn for the hurricane.

Hmmm...may have figured out why I'm regurgitatey.

Anywhizzle, found Blackberry Cobble Candy Corn! YEP! MORE flavors of candy corn!

Now, this is a different company that does NOT make their candied corn with REAL honey. And you can tell! It's not as good. It might not have anything to do with the honey, but I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with the honey.

Also, the unnatural combination of blackberry cobbler and candy corn may have devastating effects on your stomach. But again, may or may not be the reason.

I'm off to curl up and groan.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, October 25, 2012

one cereal isn't enough


I've become crazy with the cereal mixing. CRAZY!

It's odd, but I LOVE all the Kashi cereals. They are all SO GOOD! I know they're less funner than the sugar cereals, but I'm not allowed to buy the super sugar cereals anymore.

So, I got addicted to Kashi. BUT! Since I like so many Kashi flavors, I don't want to eat just one at a time! But I can't really eat FIVE bowls of cereal at a time!

Well...I can...but I shouldn't.

Now I put a little bit of each into the bowl so I have one BIG bowl of multi-cereal! Trust me, you need a BIG bowl because there are more cereals in there than dimensions in your string theory. I'm talking bosonic string, not just superstring!

You should really try this. It's pretty epic. And by "pretty epic" I mean it's TOTALLY EPIC-LICOUS!

Sometimes...when I'm feeling a little wilder...I'll put some dried fruit in there! Like blueberries or currants.

Currants (also known as Corinthian raisins and Zante currants) are a totally underrated dried fruit!

On OTHER times of sometimes...you're not going to believe this one...I'll use Frappuccino as the liquid cereal softener!

WHOA! Did that just happen?

You're darn tootin' it did!

I lead an exciting life. It's ok to be jealous. You can lead this life, too. Just get some big bowls and come over for a cereal extravaganza.

I'm off to dry some fruit.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

car tails


I saw a car with the sweeeeetest car tail ever! I guess they are technically called "spoilers" when it's on a car. But really, it's a tail.

This was NOT a sporty car at all. It was a regular sedan. And it had a tail that looked like it was from a whale. It was HUGE! And curved up on the sides!

It was the coolest thing I've ever seen! I have always been a fan of the car tail. But they are usually very subtle. And subtle is fine. But if you're going to put a tail (spoiler) on your car, why not make it a tail that says something!

I want a tail that tells the world "I'm not afraid of breaching if I want to!"

I have never had a car with a tail. I suppose I could purchase a tail separately, but I don't think I can afford the kind of tail that would really show off my desired statements.

I want it to say, "I'm a kinkajou and I can hold onto trees if I want!"

OH! OR one that would say, "I'm a dinosaur! Rawr!"

yeah...I like that...

Speaking of dinosaurs, Haribo (kids and grown-ups love it so!) gummi candy company has put out DINOSAURS!

It is probably the best gummi candy ever. It's gummisaurus rex.

Bonus fact: You can buy 5-pound bags of Haribo gummi candy on Amazon. My mind is officially blown. I think I can die happy now. Thank you, world. And thank you Haribo.

I'm off to put a dinosaur tail on my car.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, October 22, 2012

spider on my wings


Let me start off by telling you how excited I am about something. I found out that those mirrors on the side of your car are called wings!

Yeah! The rear view mirror is the one IN the car, but the two that can have objects closer than they appear are called wings! (Also door mirror or side mirror.)

OUR CARS HAVE WINGS! (No Red Bull copyright issues...I hope...)

Take that, planes! You think you're so fancy with your wings and flights and stuff. My car has wings, too! And flight!

Well, on my driver's side wing, there was a spider. It was making a web. And I guess admiring its work at the same time. You know, because it was on a mirror. It was a very vain spider.

Wing-mirror-spider was doing its thing, but I had to go somewhere. So I started driving. On the highway. For 45 minutes! I got to my destination and the spider was still there!

It hung on the whole time!

How do these things do that?! I can't imagine holding onto a car for that long! Or at those speeds! I mean, my car can go pretty fast. I once got it up to 76 mph. THAT is really fast. Faster than a plane, I bet.

I figured that since the spider hung on the whole drive, it deserved to keep its home on my wing. I can't imagine it's a great home to catch flies and whatnot, but if the spider wants to stay, it gets to stay.

So Lysandra (the spider) had a new home. Well...did...until my drive home. Then Lysandra was gone.

That's your lesson for today. Don't name your pet wing-spider. They always leave after that.

I'm off to fly my car.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, October 19, 2012

the final say on candy corn


There is no guarantee that this is actually the last time I will write about candy corn.

But it could be.

I tried all the new candies and cookies that have been created to TASTE like candy corn.

And they were good.

I decided to give candy corn another chance. I never used to like it. It was always...not right.

I have changed my mind. I now like it! It's good! I don't know if they changed anything, but the bag does say that it is made with "real honey." And, well, you know how passionate I am about honey!

I have a theory about the "bad" candy corn. People put it in a dish and it sits out and gets dry and nasty. THAT is when it is gross! And THAT might be why I never liked it!

So keep it fresh in the bag so kids don't get scarred like I did!

AND NOW they make different flavors! They have original, which I guess is honey-flavor, caramel, AND caramel apple! They also have a nondescript-flavor pumpkin!

Apparently, Canada is rumoured to have a Blueberry Cobbler Candy Corn. I have NO idea what compelled the Canadians to make that, but I love them for it. And if you know any Canadian candy smugglers, I am willing to pay top dollar for a bag of that.

Legally speaking, I didn't just ask that. (Even though I really did. Shhhh...)

Candy corn, I apologize for treating you so badly for so long. I hope we can get along now. And by get along, I mean I will buy many bags of you and eat like crazy.

I'm off to visit a...friend...at the border.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the bad shape of a chip


Chips are great. But there's a problem with some of them. They are triangles.

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some triangles. Well, I love scalene and equilateral. Isosceles always stands there like it's better than everyone else. Whatever isosceles, we know you have two angles and sides equal. Everybody is SO impressed.

The problem with a snack-type chip being a triangle is the mouth entrance. See, you have to get your mouth SUPER wide to get the whole chip in! They tease you by making one end so small and ready to be eaten, but then the other end is HUGE and scrapes the sides of your mouth!

It's torture! I'm sure this happens to you, too!

If you try to break it into smaller pieces, it becomes a crumbly mess! Chip pieces are everywhere! It's like the apocachips!

Life is very complicated. So, to make it easier, I buy the small chips that are squarish.

Or gummy bears. Because they are small and chewy.

I wonder if they can make gummy chips? Or chippy bears? Some sort of bear/chip mutation that would be easy to eat but taste like a chip!

I feel like I talk about food a lot.

Maybe I should talk about something else.

How about those (insert sports team here)? Yeah...that was something!

Okay...food is more interesting.

I'm off to tri my angle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

all you need is honey


Did you hear about this?! Some guy nursed a bumble bee back to health. With honey!

Yes! He saw the bee on the ground looking pretty awful. He put a little honey on his hand and picked up the bee and it started eating! Then, it started eating more and getting stronger and was healthy again!

How amazing is that?! Even if it's fake, I don't care!

I may or may not have a degree in medical doctoriness, but I think this could change medical science forever!

I'm going to go to the hospital and have everybody drink honey. Then, when everybody is cured of everything, we will have a party. With a water slide.

I wonder if water slides work if you put honey on them instead of water? A honey slide. Hmmm...I may have to try that.

Oh! And there will bee (did that on purpose for funniness) a pool filled with honey! Honey pools are the best! Unless you like big splashes with your cannonballs. Then they're not so good.

But if you want a good upper-body workout, do laps in a honey-filled pool. A few of those and you could have the strength of a bee! A bee with the POWER OF HONEY!

I think bees and I have a lot in common. Bees love honey and I love honey.

Okay, so it's only one thing in common, but it's a BIG thing in common.

Maybe I should get a pet bee. We could eat honey together, watch Star Wars, fly kites, make prank calls to the United Nations (Hey Ban Ki-moon, is that your cell phone buzzing? NO IT'S MY BEE! *hang up* hahaha!)...oh the fun we would have!

I'm off to put honey in my hands and adopt a bee.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, October 12, 2012

all's well that intermissions well


Last night was awesome. AWE-SOME.

I totally got my Shakespeare on at the movies. See, there's this theatre in London, the Globe Shakespeare Theatre, that is pretty famous for putting on Shakespeare plays. Cuz it's in their name.

Anywhoozle, they filmed a performance of "All's Well That Ends Well" recently and played it at movie theaters across America. (I did the "theater" and "theatre" thing to avoid confusion for movies and playsies. Your welcome.)

It was really good. I don't know if you dig the Shakespeare, but it's iambically delicious. I put on my Shakespeare foam finger that says "Go To, Go To!" and got my "Let the prose handle it" t-shirt on and went to the movies!

There was ONE other person there. That's it! To make him feel less lonely, I decided to sit right next to him. He must not have liked his seat because he moved right after I sat down.

The best part? Intermission. EVERY MOVIE SHOULD HAVE INTERMISSION!

The first act was done and the lights came up and I looked at the guy and was, like, "Do we get an intermission just like at a real play?"

I asked the very friendly movie employees (who were awesome) and they told me the intermission was real. REAL AND AMAZING!

It was one of the greatest moments of my life. I got up. Went potty. Got some extra snacks. Did a few push-ups. Caught up on texts. Wrote a few tweets. Stretched my calves. Then got back for the second act with plenty of time!

Now, every time I go to a movie, I'm going to request an intermission about half-way through. I'm sure they'll accommodate my needs.

If you haven't experienced this yet, you should ask for it at your next movie adventure. You'll love it. Once you go intermission, you never go full session. (I can rhyme just like Shakespeare!)

I'm off to intermission my life.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

the colors of honey


I love honey. And I never thought it could get better, but France has figured out a trick to make a honey rainbow! Honey Rainbow would be a great name for a 60's folk musical act.

Actually...Honey Rainbow would be a great name for anything. You should name your next child Honey Rainbow. You'll thank me later.

In le France, bees love nectar. And by nectar, I mean M&M sugar! They've been eating colored sugar from the candy factor and using it to make their honey!

The honey is coming out green and blue! This is the greatest thing to hit honey since the pot!

For some reason, the honey-dealers aren't selling it. They say that it tastes like honey. It just has a different color.

Sooo...what's the problem? I don't know if they're just being stubborn, but they should sell it. Honestly, tell me, you'd buy all of it if you could, right?! It's green honey!

How is that NOT the coolest thing ever?!

What is wrong with French beekeepers?!

I'm going to go to Franceland and DEMAND that they sell it to me. If they say no, I will call upon my bee army to attack them.

Those bees worked HARD for that blue honey! They thought, "Wouldn't it be so nice of us to give our beekeeping friends something new to sell? To make them MORE MONEY than they've ever seen in their life?"

And those ungrateful beekeepers won't even sell it. That is an INSULT to the bees.

Bees don't like to be treated that way. They would protest with the music stylings of Honey Rainbow, but the time for peace has past.

I wants my green honey. And the bees want to attack.

I'm off to lead the bee-ttalion. (tee hee)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, October 8, 2012

fall into autumn


It's that wonderful time of year when the air gets cool, the leaves change color, and we make everything all gourdy.

That's right! It's Fall! Or Autumn! Or...wait...it's both!

That's the problem we have with this season. It has two names. So some people decided to do some research on it. And pretty much couldn't come up with a good answer why.

After reading almost the whole article one time, there was no clear answer why the "cool down" season has two names! I even considered reading the article again, but got distracted by a candy corn and decided against it.

Why not just keep the two names? Nothing wrong with that! A season so nice, we named it twice!

BUT! I have an even more eleganter solution! A combination of names to make it sound even better!

Autumnfall!

No more confusing conversations about this time of year anymore!

"It's a beautiful fall!"

"Who fell?! That's awful to say it was beautiful! I guess if somebody DID fall, it's nice that they got to fall during this beautiful autumn."

"What's an oddum? Is that some sort of banana?"

Golly...I can't COUNT how many times I've had that conversation! (Keep in mind, I don't know how to count.)

With the brand new autumnfall, everybody will always know what you're talking about and there will be fewer problems with bananas.

Don't even get me STARTED on banana problems!

I'm off to get my autumfall gourds.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, October 5, 2012

the proper way to eat a cupcake


I saw something yesterday that told me I was eating cupcakes all wrong.

Here's what you're supposed to do. Rip off the bottom. Put it on top of the frosting. Then eat. So, it's like two "slices" of cupcake with frosting in the middle.

No. That is NOT how you eat a cupcake. THAT is how you eat a whoopie pie. If I wanted a whoopie pie, I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A WHOOPIE PIE!

Since I bought a cupcake, I will eat it LIKE A CUPCAKE SHOULD BE EATEN! Awkwardly bite it on the top or the side and get frosting on my face. Like it was meant to be!

I'm sorry to get so excited about this, but really, it's unnatural to eat a cupcake like a whoopie pie. THAT is why we make BOTH wonderful pastries!

Cupcake comes  from the words "cup" and "cake." Cup means: hand-held liquid holder. Cake means: fluffy, crumbly goodness topped with frosting.

One day, somebody didn't want to eat a whole cake, so they took their tin cup (in ye olde dayes, everybody had tin cups) and put all the cake ingredients in there. Baked it. Put frosting on it. And the cupcake was born.

That person's neighbor, Mr. Whoopie (the cupcake person's name is lost to history because the pastry is not named after them and if you don't get a pastry named after you, nobody will ever remember who you are), loved cake-food and frosting, but didn't like the mess. So he put frosting in the middle of two cakey items.

Today's lesson: if you want a whoopie pie, get one. If you want a cupcake, get one. If you want to eat your cupcake like a whoopie pie...hang your head in shame.

I'm off to cup my cake and whoopie my pie.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

cows love candy and corn


I've been talking about candy corn a lot lately. This isn't actually about that, but it's about BOTH of those things. Together. But not together in the way you are thinking!

Hooked yet? Good! Because this is fun!

There was a pretty bad drought this year. That was bad for corn. Without corn, it's tough to get corn FEED. Without corn feed, it's tough to feed cows. Without cows, it's tough to get milk and hamburgers and butter and yogurt (or yoghurt) and that "moo" sound they make.

Farmers needed to fill the corn gap. So they decided to use candy! See, there's an excess of cookies and gummy worms and marshmallows and fruit loops and more that can be added to their corn feed to get the cows nice and plump!

Sounds good, right?! I mean, that's probably the perfect meal!

I kinda wish I could be a cow for a little while. Just to try it.

I bet those cows taste SO good! I'm not much of a steak-eater, but if my steak tasted like gummy worms! How could I NOT order it?! That and some marshmallow milk! O! M! G!

Guess what?! I can almost kinda be like a cow! A very wise woman recently told me she loves to eat popcorn with candy in it! I love popcorn and candy! Why not combine them?! How did I not think of this?!

Instead of corn feed, just use some popped corn and throw candy and gummy worms and fruit loops and cookies and ANYTHING in there! That HAS to be the perfect food!

We live in an amazing world full of candy steak and candy popcorn. If you ever need to practice cow farming, let me know. I'm more than happy to help out.

I'm off to be a cow and pop my corn.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, October 1, 2012

run to swim


For some reason, a lot happens when I run. I mean, I barely go anywhere. I use the same route every day. But it's always interesting!

This time, it was my own fault. See, I went running in my bathing suit. And it was amazing.

I have these "running" shorts. They're made out of some material that's supposed to be good for exercise or something. I don't know. I see people wear them at the gym. They're cool. I like them.

But, for reasons I'd rather not say, I did not have my C9 running shorts. Nor did I have my running shoes. For a possibly related, or unrelated, reason I'd rather not say.

What was I going to do?! I needed to run! So I put on my bathing suit and converse.

Guess what! It worked! The bathing suit was great! It was cloudy out, too. So if it rained, BAM! I got my bathing suit on! It's actually made to become wet!

I don't know why more people aren't running in their bathing suits. I know they're made for bathing, but really, we should change the name to "bathing or running or various water-possible activity suits."

Not only is that a catchy name, it's also much more accurate. Seeing how I never take a bath, the suit is kinda useless most of the time.

Oh, and the shoes worked well, too. I don't know why I have specific running shoes. Seems silly.

Well...full disclosure...I did get a stomach cramp and my shoulder was hurting a little. I don't THINK it had anything to do with my converse or my bathing suit.

Unless it was a hex made by my real running shoes and shorts because they were unhappy with me for using other running supplies.

But really, it's their own fault for not being there. For reasons I cannot say. Possibly due to embarrassment. Possibly due to magic.

I'm off to run in the rain.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj