my phone is too big

That line is hilarious to two other people. One of them probably doesn’t even remember me. The other probably isn’t reading this right now.

But in my head, I’m laughing so hard that if I were drinking some sort of liquid, it would be coming out of my nose. And possibly other places as well.

I'm afraid this post will get all ranty and I apologize for that. (I don't really, I love to rant!)

I realize that I’m often different. I don’t know how it happened. I remember when I first got a smartphone. It wasn’t that long ago, so if I didn’t remember it, we would have to worry about my brain.

It’s a good phone. It does what I want. Calls people. Texts people. Checks twitter. Plays Words with Friend. Maybe someday I’ll get another friend and I can upgrade to Words with Friends.

The phone isn’t bleeding edge. It wasn’t even newish when I got it. It just does what I need. Now, it’s been a few years and I’m looking for a new phone, but I was hoping for something smaller.

WHAT?! SMALLER?!?! Who wants that?! Well…me, I guess. And apparently I’m the only one.

My phone has a 4.3-inch screen. Which is actually average to small these days. But I hate carrying around something so big!

So, I’m thinking of getting an iPhone 4s with a 3.5-inch screen. Because I'm very secure.

I really thought I would want a big screen, but I’m finding out that I really hate carrying it around.

Why am I talking about this? I have no idea. I just needed to vent. And my Friend from Words is sick of hearing about it.

Though, Apple doesn’t have Swype. Swype is a magical keyboard that makes me happier than peanut butter. You should try it.

But, I am a fan of items named after fruit. Especially apples. Apples are good.

But apples and peanut butter are even better.

I’m off to compare sizes.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pecan do it

That headline is funny if you pronounce “pecan” as “pee-can.” If you say “pih-kahn” or “pee-kahn,” then I’m not very clever. Let’s pretend I am very clever.

I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!

I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.

I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!

Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?

Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!

I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe "I'm pies about nuts!" Or both.

I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.

Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.

OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!

On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.

I’m off to nut some pies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

scare your kids

I just read a story about some parents who move their children’s toys around every night so the kids think that they are alive.

Apparently the kids love it! I would have been so scared if I saw this every morning! Maybe I’m a little more skittish than other children, but if my dinosaurs were in different places every morning, my first thought would be, “when are they finally coming for me?!”

This is also a great time for me to thank my parents for not getting an elf that resides on a shelf...and moves while I sleep. That freaks me out!

What if you woke up one morning and the elf was in your bed. JUST STARING AT YOU.

My bed-wetting days would start all over again!

Speaking of that elf, turns out, through extensive DNA testing, the elf has a Jewish cousin. The Mensch on the Bench. This mensch has the same quirk of going out in the middle of the night and then finding himself somewhere else the next morning.

I don’t know if Elf and Mensch need help, but I’ve had friends who have had this problem of waking up in strange places every morning. Some counseling took care of (most of) their problems.

Now that I think about it, The Elf and the Mensch would be a great premise for a cop show.

But I digress. I think. I’m not sure if I really digress or if I actually intend on going where I go. It’s a mystery that only Detectives Elf and Mensch can solve!

Oh great, now I have the Law & Order theme song stuck in my head.

I’m off to make sure my toys aren’t plotting against me.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

robot hunting

Police in Florida have created robot deer! See, there's a problem with people hunting out of season and this is their plan to solve it. The robots just sit there looking all deery and when a hunter (not following the hunting season laws) shoots it, the deer will transform into a police officer and arrest the hunter! (Transformation may not actually be true.)

The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.

Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn't happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.

Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It's so easy!

Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don't worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.

But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!

Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn't hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.

I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that's the sort of risk I take. You don't accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.

Though, the ad DID say "Cakewalkers Needed." And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.

Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.

I'm dangerous like that.

I'm off to transform into a deer.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

shoot my suit

Is being a professional-type person dangerous? I don’t really know what “professional” people do. I know they wear suits. I know this because I’ve seen it on TV.

See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.

It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.

What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!

I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.

If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.

I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.

Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.

Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.

It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.

Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!

OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!

I’m off to learn the alphabet.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

conversations with a cat

I have a neighbor with a cat. His name is Sammy and he meows A LOT. The cat, not the neighbor.

Every day I come home from work and Sammy starts meowing from under the stairs. That sounds weird, but it’s not. I live upstairs and Sammy lives below me.

I’ve lived here for a few years. And every day I will talk to Sammy. I’m not sure if I look crazy when I do this.

People can clearly hear Sammy meowing. He’s LOUD. So when I respond, people MUST know that I’m talking to the cat, right?

This is normal?

It will go something like this.

Sammy: Meow.

Me: Hi Sammy!

Sammy: Meow.

Me: I know, I heard.

Sammy: Meow.

Me: Seriously? I guess that’s cool.

Sammy: Meow.

Me: Don't tell me what happens, I'm not caught up yet!

Sammy: Meow.

Me: Ain’t that the truth!

And this will go on for 20 minutes or so. I actually have no idea what Sammy is meowing about. But in my head, he and I have a lot in common.

Also, I don’t know if this is weird, but I want to buy “Congrats” balloons and put them on random people’s mailboxes. Just to congratulate them on being them. And other people will think they achieved something special.

Sammy thinks this is also a good idea. So I’m pretty sure people will love it.

I’m off to chat with a cat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

more canadian currency

Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.

A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!

Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”

Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!

The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.

The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.

These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!

It will be so much fun!

Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”

Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”

Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”

Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”

Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.

I’m off to syrup my maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

school purse

There’s some big hoopla in the news about a boy and his purse. Apparently he had been using his Vera Bradley bag every day since August and just got suspended for it.

Well, the school says it was for cursing. But he can’t come back to school until he stops bringing his purse.

Because...um...having a purse makes you curse? Or maybe it’s a cursing purse? Like the sorting hat, but much ruder.

Also, they’re saying that the kids at the school are not allowed to bring bags into class.

Wait…what?! What is this bagless school?! I love that idea! Wanna know what was in my school bag? Books! Lame, boring books! If I couldn’t have a bag, guess what I would be doing in class. NOT LEARNING! That would have been awesome!

I bring this all up because I want more men to carry purses. For years, I had a messenger bag that I would always call “my purse.” Because, really, it did the exact same thing as a women’s purse.

Now that I’m getting older, I switched to a backpack (which I still call a purse sometimes). My shoulder couldn’t handle “the purse.” I decided less pain in two shoulders is better than lots of pain in one.

I carry a lot of stuff. I’m slightly obsessive about having my stuff with me all the time. I’m sure there’s a disorder for it. Well, I don’t like to say I’m disordered. Just differently ordered.

What makes a “bag that hangs on the shoulder” a purse or a messenger bag? Is it gender? Does it have to contain certain items? I have tissues, my phone, a water bottle, hand wipes, hand moisturizer (because the hand wipes dry out my hands!), a highlighter, a pen, a pencil, a notebook, eye drops, aspirin, sunglasses, and a few other random things.

So what does that make my bag? I’ll tell you! It makes my bag awesome! And strangely similar to Mary Poppins’ purse! And her purse never said a naughty word, either!

I’m off to purse my curse.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

octopi are not irrational

Did you get the math joke there? Funny, right? I know. I’ll give you a minute to catch your breath after laughing so hard.

Ready? Good. NOW WATCH OUT! Octopi (or octopuses) are going to get you! More and more research on octopuses is telling us that these cephalopods are smarter than you think and might be planning a worldwide invasion.

Well, they don’t have proof of that yet, but it could be true!

There have been lots of studies that are telling us that octopi are very intelligent. They can build shelters and go through mazes and sometimes even break out of their aquariums to sneak into OTHER aquariums to get food!

You know what else does that? Human children. How do I know? I did it when I was a toddler. There was no food in my room, so I broke out and went to the stash in the fridge.

In Britain, there is even a law saying that octopuses are “honorary vertebrates.” This gives them protection that other invertebrates don’t get when it comes to scientific research.

Though, I kinda feel badly for invertebrates now.

I totally need a pet octopus. How awesome would that be! If I needed food, it could sneak out and steal it from other aquariums! (I’m hoping my neighbors keep cake in their aquariums.)

Should we worry about octopi taking over the world? Yes. They’re like ninjas. Eight-limbed, ink-shooting ninjas.

THAT is something you don’t want to fight on a Tuesday.

I’m off to apply for an honorary vertebrate license.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

rainbow dinosaur

Did you hear about this?! There is a rainbow dinosaur! And I want one!

See, there's this thing that happens in the towns around me. People paint statues. This may happen in other communities, too. I don't really know. I'm not allowed to leave New England.

One town painted terriers. (My very favorite breed!) Another town painted sneakers. I think one town does bears.

I don't know the rules, but I guess some people apply to have the chance to paint them and then they display them around the town.

Well, in Granby, they did dinosaurs! The brontosaurus, or, more accurately, the apatosaurus, was their dinosaur of choice.

6-year-old kids decided how they wanted the dino designed and raised money to have somebody paint it like a rainbow! Because 6-year-olds are GENIUSES.

Apparently somebody didn't like it. Complaining that it promoted gay pride. First of all, who cares? Can't a dinosaur love whoever it wants? Third of all, rainbows are awesome whether they represent something or not. Seventhly and finally, IT'S A RAINBOW DINOSAUR AND THERE IS NOTHING COOLER THAN THAT.

Luckily, the town decided that it was ok to display the rainbow dinosaur. Because the town knows that real art uses every color. And dinosaurs. And rainbow dinosaurs.

I tell you all of this because I would like a pet rainbow dinosaur. We would fly all around the world and eat gelato and grapes and other foods that begin with the letter G.

We would also perform musical numbers about historical architecture. Because we've been working on words that rhyme with "colosseum."

I'm off to meet with Liam at the colosseum.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

3D, meet B2

When I was a kid, I always made sure I had enough riboflavin (or, for you B Vitamin groupies, B2), because it was always important for time traveling.

Actually, as an adult, I still feel the same way. Since I am traveling through time every second of every day, I make sure to keep the riboflavin coming. I even try to get some EXTRA riboflavin during the time change. Because, you know, I don’t want to get lost in time forever!

Well science has decided to create humans who can travel through time WITHOUT worry! By giving us riboflavin organs!

Okay, so they don’t come right out and SAY that’s what it’s for, but I saw Looper, so I know what’s going to happen.

Scientists have been making artificial tissue and medical implants for people with 3D printers. One problem with making these implants is that they have to use a toxic “photoinitiator.”

You don’t need to know what that is, but just know that it’s toxic and is bad to put in your body.

Instead of toxins going in you, they found out that B2 works as a photoinitiator! So you can have slightly less toxins in your body!

And travel through more time than ever before! I mean, if you replaced all your organs with riboflavinized organs, you could probably go back 100 years or something!

At least, your organs would travel just fine. But really, it’s a bad idea to only send certain parts of you through time.

I find it amazing that we can print out new tissue for our bodies. And even MORE amazing that it can be photoinitiated with something I find in Froot Loops! (Which, I hear, is the only thing you’re allowed to eat if you constantly travel through time.)

I wonder if I could create a new organ. I don’t know where I would put it, but maybe there’s some room next to the spleen.

I’m off to close the loop.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

welcome to the fantasy

I would love to be rich. Not Rich the guy I work with. He’s cool and all, but I was actually talking about money-rich.

I would be a ridiculous rich person! I know this because of Neiman Marcus. Every year you probably see something in the news about their “Fantasy Gifts” that cost more money than they’re worth.

This year is no different. And if I had the money, I would totally buy all of these crazy things! Because it would be so much fun!

Like the Bespoke Global Falconry Companion for $150,000. This gift has everything you need if you are a falconer…er…like to falconate? Practice falconry? Whatever it is, when you are outside with your falcon, you probably always wish you had a backgammon board. (That’s included.) It also has a gold perch for your falcon. Even a cigar carrying case!

Because falconry practitioners love cigars and backgammons! The falcon is not included. But who needs a falcon? I mean, you’ll probably be too busy drinking Sunny D from your decanter (also included) to realize you’re falconless.

Don’t want to look like you own a falcon? How about the Ultimate Outdoor Entertainment System for $2,640,000! Get a 201-inch TV that hides underground! You can raise it from the grave with a remote and then start watching TV with your falcon. (Still not included, but should be.)

I don’t know how much I love that idea. Have you ever decided to sit down and watch TV and it takes a few seconds for the TV to actually get started? You’re in a rush to watch something and those 3 seconds are just killing you!

Imagine having to wait for the TV to dig itself out from your yard! I guess I could program my falcon to get the TV ready as I’m walking down my golden tower to my patio to watch TV. But where am I going to get a falcon?

Every gift really should just have a falcon come with it.

Oh, and yes, feel free to buy these items for me. I don’t have a yard or a falcon, but I’m pretty sure my neighbor wouldn’t notice a 201-inch TV on their property.

I’m off to start digging a 202-inch hole.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj