Friday, November 30, 2012

sweetened condensed milk


If I had a band, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I wrote a book, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had a child, I would name it Sweetened Condensed Milk.

If I had anything that I was allowed to name, I would call it Sweetened Condensed Milk! Because it's so much fun to say!

I have never actually tasted sweetened condensed milk until recently. It's true! I've heard about it. People whisper about it on the street and there are legends about it in ancient Brazilian temples, but I've never tasted its goopness.

Now I have. I decided to try it because it always sounded good. I mean...it's sweetened! So really, how could it not be good!

I bought a can. I didn't know WHAT to do with it. I went to the library, but got distracted. I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say I have a lot of DVDs reserved right now.

I then looked for recipes online. THAT is where I found it. Toast. That magical marvel of bread when its atomic structure changes from Br to To.

Safety Note: Do NOT put Bromine Br into a toaster. Bread Br is ok. Bromine Br will probably kill you. And it will not turn into toast. It will just turn into you dead.

In Asia, they put sweetened condensed milk on toast all the time! I tried it and it's awesome!

I had no idea that it was so much fun to say AND eat!

If your weekend is getting boring and you're looking to add to your periodic table of the condiments, get some sweetened condensed milk!

Then just yell it out for fun! SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK!

I'm off to To my Br. (Again, NOT Bromine)

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

viva la wrinkle resistance


NOT that it's any of your business, but I was shopping for underwear the other day. (You ARE getting personal, aren't you?) In the underwear section, I found "wrinkle-resistant" boxers.

Trust me, I'm a HUGE fan of any clothing that will resist a wrinkle. It's amazing! I don't know what magical spell they put on the clothes, but it's SUPER helpful.

Ironing is hot and dangerous. And it NEVER comes out right. Because of the sleeves! That's the worst! If you accidentally iron a wrinkle INTO the shirt? It's there FOREVER.

I can honestly say that I've never ironed my underwear. Like, ever. I guess I never found the need. I mean...nobody sees it, right?

Well, some people might see a little. I wear my pants kinda baggy, so the underwear peeks out the top. Not because I think it's cool. It's just way more comfortable that way. And because I can't afford a belt.

So are people looking at my undies saying, "Oh My Gosh! Do you see the wrinkles on those underwears? I bet he never irons them. Probably doesn't iron his socks either. How can somebody leave the house looking so unsmooth?!"

How long can an ironed pair of underwear actually stay smooth? Don't you sit down? You HAVE to sit at least ONCE in a day, right? Isn't that going to wrinkle them?!

I just don't get it! Nor do I see the need. I'm not going to walk around in my undies at a fancy party.

Unless it's a fancy underwear party. Then I guess it's important. If there is one, I'm ready. Because I bought the undies. What can I say? I love a lack of wrinkles!

I'm off to iron my undies.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

chimpanzees and orangutans are cool


Chimpanzees and orangutans are longly-named and adorable primates. Sadly, for these furry friends, they also have midlife crisiseses like their human cousins.

I've gone through many crisiseseses in my life. Because, really, you NEVER know when your ACTUAL middle of life will be! It's best to have a regular crisis every few years just to make sure you get that midlife one. Don't want to miss out!

Researchers questioned the chimps and orangs on how successful they felt. Apparently, they felt like they haven't achieved much in life. Still haven't paid off their tree mortgage. Still sitting at that rock answering phones all day. Going home to a bucket of food and an ipad left by their keepers.

What happened to your dreams?! Traveling the world! Being a movie star! Taking a woman up a building! Owning a small cupcakery in New York!

What happened to freedom!!!

I'll tell you what happened! SOCIETY...and tranquilizer darts from animal researchers...But mostly society!

If only these orangazees were allowed back into the wild, life would be fulfilling.

Actually, if humans were freed from the binds of the world and allowed to live in the wild, we would have a whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! (Now Aladdin is stuck in your head. Sorry.)

A world of freedom! A world of LIVING!

Do they have Doctor Who in the wild? I like that show. Maybe give me wild freedom and the BBC. That would be great.

I'm off to have a crisis.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

all aboard the chocolate train


Well, it's Thanksgiving Eve! The night we put out gourds for Gobble Claus to snack on while he delivers giblets and pies to all the good children.

AND, it looks like Gobble got my Thanksgiving letter this year! I asked for a train made of chocolate and it's here!

I don't know why he delivered it to Brussels. I guess it ran out of chocolate steam. Had to stop there. I'm sure it will be delivered to my house soon. To pick me up. So I can go on a trip around the world.

Then, after that, I can eat it. It's 2,755 pounds. 112 feet long. And ONLY has 6.5 MILLION calories!

That is the kind of train I can get aboard! I think I will travel on it all day on Thanksgiving and toss out pies to everybody I see.

I'll be like a pie fairy.

Then I'll eat it. I don't want to eat it until after I ride it. I suppose I could snack a little while locomoting, but not the wheels. I'll just have pieces of roof in the warmer climates. Because I'm going around the world. In a chocolate train.

OH! I just thought of something! Instead of "locomotion," I'll be traveling in "chocomotion!" That's the best word ever!

My life is amazing!

I'm off to chocomote.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, November 19, 2012

winter tires for your bike


I saw this kid riding his bike. It had regular tires in the spot that regular tires would be placed on the average bicycle.

On the handle bars were two MUCH larger tires. Probably ones for a truck or something.

Now, I know it's almost time to put the winter tires on my car. But will these tires work on a bicycle? I mean, could they possibly fit?

If you CAN actually get winter tires for your bike that ARE the size of truck tires, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

Imagine all the places you could bicycle! Like, to the top of Mount Rushmore!

Maybe even through the Peppermint Forest to the top of the Gumdrop Mountains!

And trust me, THAT is hard! Unless you're lucky enough to get through the Rainbow Trail. Which I never get. I think Queen Frostine uses magic to curse me. She never liked me after that mishap with Gloppy.

I don't know if I would actually like to drive a bicycle in the winter. That seems cold. Unless I could get a heater on it. Maybe heated handle bars? And the seat?

And a helmet! With heat!

I'm liking this! I could totally rule the bike path in the winter!

I would plow right by Queen Frostine with Gramma Nut in my sidecar! Since my bicycle would have a sidecar. Also heated.

That's how I roll. Heated and largely-tired.

I'm off to purchase a bicycle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, November 15, 2012

no taxation on chocolatification


I was such a huge fan of France. I mean, for almost a whole week I couldn't stop writing about them! For me to be excited about something for a WHOLE WEEK is pretty impressive!

With all their gastronomy fairs and towers and chocolate-marshmallow bears and dijon! Who couldn't love France?!

Turns out I can't. Because of the "Nutella Tax."

Go ahead. I'll wait for the GASP...GASP!

France is worried about the obesity problem. YES! The place where there is a WHOLE FAIR DEDICATED to EATING FOOD.

The place where they celebrate marshmallow bears COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.

The place where people CHUG MUSTARD because it's all dijony!

Ok...that last one might not be true. But it SOUNDS true.

They want to put taxes on taxes on taxes for palm oil. An ingredient in Nutella.

If that's the way France wants to play, then I don't want any part of it. I do know that if this DOES happen, we'll probably have thousands of French people coming to America where the Nutella flows like the mighty Mississippi.

Well, at MY house it does. Because I built a mountain out of chocolate and I pour Nutella down it every day to make Nutella rivers. Sometimes I put little candy boats on it. If the sun is out, you might even get a chocolate rainbow.

I love chocolate rainbows.

I'm off to chug mustard.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

anybody call for a hot straw


I've never been a fan of straws. They generally cause me some sort of injury. And if I REALLY want to drink something, then I WANT IT ALL!

Even if it is ICE COLD! (That's funny if you read my last entry. It's really not funny if you did not. Actually, it's not terribly funny either way.)

So when a friend of mine was talking about the whiteness of her teeth and worried that all the coffee she was drinking would ruin that white glow, it got me thinking. Is there a straw for hot?

YES!

There are a few companies that make straws out of GLASS! Glass that can withstand the heat of a fresh mug of coffee!

There is also a plastic straw that will tolerate temperatures over 200 degrees Fahrenheit! (That's 93.3 degrees Celsius!)

Sadly, I could not find bendy straws made of glass. Probably because glass doesn't bend. Well, it does, but if I were to bend a glass straw, it would be less of a straw and more of a stabbing device. And I don't want to drink a hot beverage with a stabbing device.

I've tried that before. It hurts.

I used to have a straw that had a bunch of loops and turns on it when I was a kid. That was awesome. You could watch the drink flow up and do all sorts of tricks to get to your mouth. It's like making liquid dance. For its destruction!

Dance for me, liquid! Dance to you DOOM!

It may be noted that I have delusions of controlling the elements. Like Captain Planet.

I'm off to combine my powers.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, November 12, 2012

ice cold beverages


Why do they still advertise stuff being "ice cold?" Is that really a draw?

There was a commercial for a food place that said you should get "fries and an ice cold" soda!

ICE COLD! Because they have ice to make it cold!

Now, I know there was a time before ice was invented that people could only get cold beverages during the winter months. And that was ONLY when they drank them outdoors!

But ice was invented a long time ago! At least 30 years ago! You can't throw a jar of mustard without hitting ice these days!

This might be because ice is so prevalent that throwing anything will hit it. It might also be because I throw mustard around every time I go to the supermarket and it eventually hits one of those big bags of ice that they keep in the freezer section.

Oh, and I only throw the dijon kind. Because, you know, I'm a fan of French stuff.

Did you know that Alexandre Gustave Eiffel was born in Dijon? Yep. He ALMOST made the Mustard Tower. But did not. Because it wasn't his name.

ALSO! Dijon, France has the International and Gastronomic Fair every year! Which sounds gross, but isn't. Gastronomy is actually the "art or science of eating food." Yep. It's like astronomy, but with a "G." Both have gasses, but different kids.

That's a disgusting joke and I apologize for it.

Luckily, in Dijon, and the rest of the world, if you want an "ice cold" jar of mustard, you can have that. Because we have things like freezers and refrigerators.

It's like promoting that you have doors.

"Come to our store! We have doors! You can actually walk inside and keep the wildebeest out!"

Okay...that does sound like a great store. If only they had ice.

I'm off to throw mustard at frozen foods.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, November 9, 2012

surgery and football


Scientists in Great Britain have created the future for you! TODAY!

They are working on robots that can speak 20 languages, play football, AND perform surgery! (Since it is in Great Britain, I imagine that they mean international football/american soccer. But as far as I know, they're basically the same thing with different scoring rules.)

Soon, you'll be able to watch them play football/soccer while replacing a heart and ALSO take customer service calls from one of twenty different languaged locations!

Luckily, they haven't created robots that know how to ninja or wizard you. But we should be careful JUST IN CASE.

See, soccer/football is a gateway sport. It often leads to ninja.

Also, little known fact, surgerying is a gateway activity to wizarding/witchcrafting!

And an even lesser known fact, knowing how to speak 20 languages is a gateway skill to learning 21 languages!

If you have a robot that knows ninja and wizard and 21 languages, you have a recipe for disaster!

Or tim tams. I can never remember which.

I hope it's the tim tams. Otherwise, we're doomed.

I could go for a tim tam right now.

If I could only make it past the ninja/witch/robot yelling at me in another language.

I'm off to find a gateway robot.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

feeling socksy


I get cold feet a lot. I also have a problem with shoes feeling "just right" when I wear them. I think I may have figured out a solution to both problems.

Double the socks!

Oh yeah! This is how you work it! Two pairs of socks adds warmth AND cushioning! That's the kind of thing that I can get behind! And even stand upon!

I know it's a little weird. I don't know how many people do this. It could be very common. So far, I've been very happy with the results.

The ONLY problem is that I might have double the sock-laundry. But socks are small and don't take up too much room in the washing machine.

If I start going TRIPLE sock, THEN we may need to start using an extra machine. And another quarter in the dryer.

Wait...there might be another problem.

Summer.

Will my feet be too hot in the summer? Will I get so used to this amazing squishy feeling of cotton on cotton that I don't ever want it to stop?!

I suppose I could cross that bridge when there is, in fact, a bridge to cross.

Bridges are pretty cool. The way they raise you up. I think I would like to build a small bridge in my apartment. Then I could have a river.

Walking across the bridge would feel great because of all that cotton on my foot-bottom!

It will also feel great because I'm magically walking on/over water. I'm floaty like that.

I'm off to get four socks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

fifty years of oursons guimauve


Chocolate-covered marshmallow teddy bears have just turned 50. The French LOVE them. I know that because I saw the headline that said "Why the French Love Chocolate Bears."

When I saw that headline, I got very excited. In my head, this was a full-size bear made of chocolate. That told me stories at night. And didn't mind when I would eat its giant chocolate arm.

These little oursons guimauveses might be fantastic. The French think they are BEYOND fantastic. Actually saying it "is like Marcel Proust's madeleine cake that launched his voyage into the remembrance of things past."

From what I gather, Proust had some sort of magic cake that would cause him to remember things when he was a child.

Like if your grandmother always had a milano cookie ready for you after dinner, you might remember those dinners as soon as you bite into a milano cookie.

Or if you walk into a house that smells like the cottage you went to when you were younger, you immediately feel like you're back there.

THAT is the Marcelian Proustian reference. Which isn't great. Because that means if you DO eat an oursons guimauve, you are going to write 3,200 pages of memories about 2,000 people and die before you finish your edits.

Is that really the reference the French should use? Really? How about, "It's like the Eiffel Tower in your mouth!"

Or, "Tastes better than the Louvre on a Sunday!"

NOPE! Those French have to go and make a literary reference!

There's always so much ado about nothing in France. Whatever...all's well that ends well, right?

Wanna hear my literary reference? Oursons guimauve are like the Guardians of the Galaxy teaming up with the Avengers to stop the Skrulls from taking over the Earth.

THAT is how you get literary!

I'm off to oursons guimauve.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, November 1, 2012

trick or tre...oh...nobody there


Another Halloween and no candy given out. I wasn't sure this year.

See, I've lived in a few different apartments and sometimes they're near a road and sometimes not. Last year, I moved to a new place VERY close to the road, so I thought I might get some trick-or-treaters!

Then a giant snow monster came and destroyed Halloween.

This year, I bought candy...again...and wondered if somebody might come by. We were pretty clear after the hurricane, so I thought there might be a chance.

OH! Speaking of the hurricane! I have some neighbors who live in houses with yards. I don't have a yard, but they do! One of these neighbors did NOT clean the leaves from their yard AT ALL. You couldn't actually see the grass. It was all leaves. It was pretty cool.

Then the hurricane came and blew ALL of his leaves into the yard next door! A yard that WAS clean!

Yesterday, when I got home from worky, previously clean-yard-man was blowing the leaves BACK to the previously leaved yard.

It was awesome and apposite. (Can you tell I learned a new word?)

After the leaf boundary battle, I got ready for Halloween. Ghost candle, spooky music, bowl full of jelly. I was good to go.

Then nobody came.

Now I'm stuck with 370 pieces of candy.

Well...363...I couldn't help myself.

Fine...347. But I have an excuse! I got a bag with Skittles! You can't say no to tasting the rainbow!

I'm off to count backwards from 347.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj